Below is my Talk from this past 4th Day Retreat weekend. Be forewarned. It's about God and it get's pretty raw at times. Read at your own risk...
Trust in God
The second hand
on my watch is really loud. In the quiet of my bedroom, when the lights are out
and I’m snuggled up with my Teddy Bear, it’s all I can hear.
Tick.
Tick.
Tick.
Some nights it
gets to me more than others. Tonight is one of those nights.
It’s October 15th
and we just had our first 4th day meeting.
It’s October 15th,
so it’s been exactly 5 months since I got my heart broken.
5 months of me
fighting against God’s time.
5 months of,
essentially, me not trusting Him.
So when the
watch starts ticking form across the room tonight, I hear something much
different.
At tonight’s
meeting, when Al mentioned the Trust in God Talk, it jumped out at me. Mostly
because I feel like I’ve been fighting Him all summer. On the car ride here
tonight I had every intention of talking to Al and company about their take on
“God’s Time” in comparison to “our time.” But then when he named this talk I
thought, “That’s it. That’s what I need right now.”
(Even then I
fought it, because it’s over 2 months later and I’m just now typing up and
completing that Talk)
It’s still
something I’m fighting against. I have to trust in God, trust in His time. But
that is so much easier said than done.
When I say that
I’ve been fighting against Him, I mean kicking and screaming. I’m like a toddler
throwing toys to get attention. My behaviors, though not so reprehensible, are
unlike the Janice that I once was.
Tonight, in the
dark, that ticking wrist watch means I’m lost. It means that I’ve fallen
behind. It means that, well let’s be literal… My biological clock is ticking!
And perhaps
that’s why I fell so hard all those months ago.
His name is
Charles. That’s what I’m calling him anyway. He really goes by Chuck, but since
I don’t know where that guy went, I call him Charles now.
We met at the
bar and when he didn’t call for 2 days I cried. I knew, I could feel, that
there was something more there. Something real. Plus I’m a little coo coo
pants.
But he did call.
And I can remember every minute together. Every look. Every kiss.
But after 2 weeks
things fell apart, because, well he wasn’t over his ex.
So I get it.
But I miss
feeling that way.
I don’t connect
with people on that level often.
I’m kind of
picky and a little fickle and I don’t let just anyone in.
But I let him
in.
And then he was
gone.
A month later we
ran into each other and I thought it was a sign. God’s way of letting me know
that we weren’t done.
It wasn’t.
He still wasn’t
ready for a relationship and I kept trying to push him into one.
A month later we
ran into each other again, in the form of a drunk dial.
My bad.
I still pushed.
He still wasn’t ready. We still text every now and then.
I’m trying so
hard to let it be. To let it work itself out.
I’m seeing other
people.
And all I keep
thinking is that they aren’t him.
My behavior this
past summer has not always been safe. I’ve made some questionable decisions.
And now that I’m
thinking about it, it’s almost as if I’m testing myself. Pushing myself. Maybe
pushing God.
Trust. In. God.
Trust. That’s a
big word. Huge.
Only 5 letters
that encompass so much more.
When I try to
think about the people in my life that I trust explicitly it’s a very short
list. A list of zero.
I have wrenched
open my soul and poured out my heart, sobbing on one shoulder and one shoulder
only.
God’s.
I have an
excellent list of people that I love and who love me back. But God is the only
one who I trust with broken Janice. So why don’t I trust Him with the plan He
has for me?
Mostly, that
flippin’ ticking clock.
Anyway. After I
got my heart broken I was really angry with God. So angry, in fact, that I
wrote this in my blog:
God,
I try to make a point of not
questioning You. And I do pretty well with it. I also recognize that sometimes
I don't see why You do the things You do until later. Looking back. And all
that good stuff.
But I have a pretty big question
for you. A pretty big bone to pick actually.
I was happy. I was comfortable. I
was looking at my life with contentment & joy. My job made me happy. My
friends made me happy. My family made me happy. I made me happy. My life made
me happy.
That's a gross amount of happy.
But You had a plan & You
executed that plan & now... guess what? I'm not so happy.
I'm happy enough. My life is still
good. But you gave me a glimpse of something just to take it away.
And I don't understand. I don't
know why you gave me that, just to take it away? What's next?
Now I'm just left here, thinking...
Thinking...
I'm a good person. I do good
things. I'm not perfect but the sum of all my parts = a fairly good person.
Why.
Why?
I wasn't lonely. I was happy
being single. For the first time in a forever I was like "screw this...
being single is what’s up."
Until I met someone that made me
not want to be single.
And You did that. That was all You.
Why?
Because now he creeps back into my
mind umpteen times a day.
I can't wait for the morning that I
wake up & don't hope for a text message from him.
The day that the split second
between when my phone starts vibrating & the display shows a name doesn't
drip with suspense.
And I know what he did to me. I
know it was wrong & mean & I shouldn't hope that he'll come around.
But You know better than anyone
that I don't feel like this often. That I don't fall like this a lot. The few.
The Proud.
So why did You do this?
What's Your plan?
Besides some lesson I've yet to
learn.
I guess I'm just wondering...
It took me a
whole day to realize exactly what He would say in response to all this
nonsense. So I posted that in my blog too.
Janice,
I'm sorry that you're hurting. Know that when you hurt, I hurt
too. So that's not fun.
But did I really do all this? I gave you free will & listen
sister, you're the one who let you're imagination run away.
He's a good guy and things were good. But you started making plans.
And yes, he gave you every reason to believe that there was a
future there. He accidentally talked about the future, on more than one
occasion.
But you took that and ran with it. You created happy little
stories of a happy little life with someone you barely knew. You let yourself
fall so hard. Remember: Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.
I guess that could be my fault as well considering I gave you that
over active imagination and a heart on your sleeve. You're welcome & I'm
sorry.
And I know you keep praying and asking and hoping. I hear it all,
even when you don't want me to hear it. I know that you think the harder
you pray and ask and hope the sooner My plan will unfold.
But baby that's not how this works.
I've got it figured out & it's going to be spectacular. Just
be patient.
And yes, I know that's much, much, much easier said than done.
Just trust me.
Love you lots.
Like lots a lots.
More than you could ever know.
Your BFF,
G.O.D
Even then I
subconsciously knew that I needed to trust Him. What makes this hard is the
being patient. But that goes hand in hand with trusting Him. And I really do. I
mostly do. I’m trying to.
But I’m ready
now! I’m ready for marriage and babies and a house that I can decorate.
I know. I know.
But that’s the
crazy thing about God’s love. Is as crazy as I am feeling and acting and being,
He still loves me. I can be coo coo banana pants and He still thinks I’m swell.
And I’ve acted pretty looney these past few months.
And though I
trust Him, I’m having a rocky start with the trusting His plans. Because I’m 29
years old and I’m scared. I think that’s what it all comes down to. I am scared
out of my mind to end up alone. I am frightened that I’ll never have a family.
I can want these things all day long, but if it’s not in my future I have to
come to grips with that. Though I would love to be published, I am realizing,
what I want out of life is a family. And in this fast paced world, I feel like
I’m running out of time. Plus, according to Jessica Day, once you turn 30 you
loose 90% of your viable eggs! (Shameless New Girl reference, CHECK!)
So what do I do?
Where do I go from there? How to get from being scared BLEEP-less? By
memorizing, breathing and living 1 Corinthians 2:9 “No eye has seen, no ear has
heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared from those who love Him.”
I can’t know
what’s next. It’s not really my job to know what’s next. So how do I get from
trusting God to also trusting His plan for me?
I think it
starts with knowing that He loves me unconditionally. There is nothing in this
world that can take His love from me. There’s nothing I or anyone else can do
to take His love from me. There is nothing I could have done, beyond existing,
to make Him offer me His love.
The word
unconditional is a hard concept to grasp because we live in a world where there
are conditions for everything. You want that awesome new cell phone, well you
have to sign a 2 year contract and hand over your first born in order to get it. You’d
like this promotion; it’s yours along with 15 extra hours of work a week. And
worst of all “till death do us part” has turned into “until you annoy me too
much.”
So what is
unconditional in my life? My love for my family and their love for me. Bam.
There is actually nothing that any of them could do to make me stop loving
them. And sometimes I think some of them actively try. But I will always love
my family.
It’s rarer when
it comes to my friends, but I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I do have a
few that nothing could change my heart towards them. They will never get rid of
me. Lucky ducks.
And I have God.
He loves me
unconditionally. He loves me if I’m drunk. He loves me if I’m a love sick
puppy. He loves me when I curse. He loves me when I'm a B.I.T.C.H. He may
not love that that I do all those things, but He still loves me.
One of my
favorite passages that I have to remind myself of often is Romans 8: verses 37:39
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,
neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth,
nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love
of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Is there a more
beautiful concept in the world? Can you even wrap your head around that? Some
of you are on your first 4th Day, so you haven’t had this passage
shoved down your throat like some of us have. But even though I’ve heard it a
hundred times, here at this venue and whenever I need it in my every day life,
it still boggles my mind. There is nothing, nothing any of us can do that will
make God love us any less. He will hurt for us and He will hope for us. But He
will never forsake us and He will never leave us alone.
From there I
think that it truly comes down to faith. If I have faith in the love that God
gives me, the love that He has for me, then trust in His timing will not be far
behind. Faith in His timing will go hand in hand with having trust in His timing.
Trust in God and in his plan. For my life, for my career, for my possible
future babies (dogs), for my love life. Trust in God.
So I have to
start to reevaluate. If God’s plan for me isn’t to “getta married, have-a
babies” then what is it? I guess I can’t know. All I can do is be happy in the
life that I have. Just because I’m not happily in a relationship doesn’t mean
I’m not happy in life, (Which is something I need to work back to after poop
head messed with my heart). I enjoy my job most days and I’m taking steps
towards furthering my career. I have friends that I adore and family that keeps
me around despite the fact that I can be a real pain in the ass. (It’s that
unconditional love thing, you see.)
While I wait for
God’s plan to present itself to me, as it will, I have to work on me. I can
work on me as a person, as a writer and as a Christian. And the ironic thing is
having all of that sorted out will make me that much more of a catch when the
time finally comes.
God has a plan
for all of us and just because it’s not working out the way that we had planned
doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be great.
If you go back
to my random blog, I said that God’s plan played out for me to meet Chuck but
then things fell apart. I don’t know what His plan was, I can guess, but that
just leaves me where I was before.
I don’t know how
many of you are on Pinterest, but it’s my favorite place to collect quotes. A
recent one popped out at me, it goes “Disappointments are just God’s way of
saying ‘I’ve got something better.’ So be patient, have faith and live your
life.”
Can I get that
tattooed some where? Maybe backwards on my forehead?
So the Trust in
God talk from someone who isn’t doing their best job on that right now.
Interesting. And by now Al has noted that I did not stick to the outline at all
and he’s jotting down the words “never again” next to my name in his handy
dandy notebook.
But I hope that
you all get what I’m trying to say.
You’ve got to
trust in the Big Man. His plans for you are going to be spectacular. Even if
you’re 29 and don’t know what’s coming next.
All I really
know is that I am going to have the cutest dogs.
