Have an issue? Here's a tissue!

I got my nails did on Wednesday and it made me realize that I have got some issues. Like serious, should see a therapist, WTF is your problem? issues.

I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???

I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

What kind of crazy psycho is that???

Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.

I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???

And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?

What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.

It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.

The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?

Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.

Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!

1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!

2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.

3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.

In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.

In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.

About Time for a Fall Review

Here are the shows that I care enough to talk about. If I put all the shows that I enjoy this would be the longest post in the history of posts and would probably bore everyone.

Revenge has come back with, well a vengeance. Heheh... see what I did there? Anyway it opened back up with delisciousness, Victoria is alive (shocker! but not really...) Charlotte is alive! Declan & Jack are tortured poor souls. Amanda is coo coo pants. Nolan is sexy & Emily is off getting a refresher course in being a badass from Tokata (Wow, that's the first time I've ever gotten that name correct, ever). But the best part is Aidan, the new and improved lover for Ms. Thorne. He's dark, he's dangerous, he's devilishly handsome & most importantly... he's English. Colin Frizzle was not wrong, an English accent automatically makes you hotter to the tenth degree. Anyway, I'm not going to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't had a chance to catch up...but seriously, catch up. You're missing out on amazing soapy yum yums. And Aidan is sooooo worth it. Oh & Daniels still around too, pretending to be someone who could take over his fathers company. I know -- Hi-larious!

So Once Upon A Time ended last season and I was kind of like... umm OK dudes where are you going to go from here? What's your plan? But they're going in the right direction. If you haven't seen the first few episodes & you plan on it, stop reading now, because I cannot really talk about this particular show without giving away a few juicies. Ok, so the first is that Snow & Emma have been accidentally (or NOT so accidentally) sent back to magical fairy land. So just when true love had a chance to be awesome, not so much. But now the queen is trying to repent (a  bit) which I love, and win back Henry's trust. Charming is all "I'm the Sheriff, hear me roar!" which is a little annoying and a little sexy. Snow & Emma are over in La La Land making goo goo eyes at Mulan & Captain Hook (respectfully) and Sleeping Beauty is all "woah is me, Philip is dead & well I was sleeping he fell in love with Mulan." Hook is sexy as HELL so check out his gimpy hotness. But the absolute best part is that RENE IS HENRY'S DAD!!!! Well the actor who played Rene on True Blood is the sire to our little hero. And though we haven't seen him, we know that Pinocchio is awake because he promised to send Rene (I don't remember his character's name - sorry) a post card when he could finally be with Emma again & at the beginning of the first episode a pigeon (oh yeah fairy tale magic puts the animals of our world to work! Republicans would be so proud) drops of a post card from Storybrooke. So while Emma is falling for Hook, the love of her life is headed towards home. AWKWARD!

What can I say about Castle? I guess all I have to say is...BINGO!!!! I think that for the first time in television history the couple got together and the show didn't go down the shitter!!! (I'm looking at you Bones!) Caskett has to keep things under wraps while at work so that leaves room for it not to get super mooshy. Plus watching Ryan & Esposito figure out that the two of them are finally making woopy made me giggle like a school girl. Also, if you don't have a crush on Nathan Fillion, like a "Joss Whedon, put you in everything I make, never let you go," kind of crush... then you have no soul!

New Girl has, by some miracle, just gotten funnier. Admittedly the first few episodes were kind of rough. I was like "but how? but why?" but they've gotten back into the swing of thing. The most recent episode had Jess on her period, Nick learning how to chill out, Schmidt trying to (once again) steal CeCe away from her beau and Winston thinking he had inherited Jess' menstruation. Hilarity ensued. Just watch. Please?

There are no words for Happy Endings. None whatsoever. Just watch this show and laugh your tuchis off and then buy me a drink for sending you in it's direction. I know. I know. People say a bagillion times "Oh my God! this show like TOTALLY is me and my friends! Like totally!" but somehow the writing and acting of this show kismittley come together to create "ness" that is just SO realistic. The dynamics between all the friends is just, how life roles. ya know? I don't know. Just trust me and watch it. Plus, I am Teegan Arrowspeare. Yes now you have to watch so you understand that reference. I AM A MASTERMIND!!!

Ok now it's time to get real. The only NEW show that I'm even slightly moved to mention is Nashville because it's the only show that I would cry if they cancelled. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I would probably pay money to watch Connie Britton take a sh*t. Luckily I can watch her do much prettier things, like sing and act like a lady, for free. Then there's Eric Close who I normally love but he is such a backboneless twirp that I hate him. But I love that I hate him. Word!!! The music is also somewhere between the best thing ever and I want to bathe in it and I'm in love and iTunes probably loves my $1.29 every time I purchase a song. Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio rock my frickin' socks off with every song they sing. Charles Esten could take my close off any day. Oopps, did I say that out loud? And Hayden Panettiere's Juliette made me so flippin' angry the first few episodes and now guess what... Love her!!! To top it all off Jonathon Jackson is back! Remember when I loved him with my whole heart as Lucky on General Hospital. Oh man, I do. Anyway, catch this show. It's good. And though it doesn't yet compare with Revenge in it's soapiness, it definitely has my heart.

I hope this made you feel entertained and informed. I have to get back to work now! LATERRRR!!!

Honorable mentions include, but are not limited to:

Revolution

Raising Hope

The Mindy Project

Ben & Kate

Modern Family

Suburgatory

Elementary

The Most Grounded Girls

I'm a little kooky. I always have been. I always will be.

But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.

How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.

No. That's not true. I know where it began.

It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.

It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.

I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.

Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?

There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.

I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.

And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.

It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.

I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.

And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.

But anyway... I've come to some realizations.

A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.

B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.

C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?

D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)

5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!




Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to  him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.

Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.



I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...