I got my nails did on Wednesday and it made me realize that I have got some issues. Like serious, should see a therapist, WTF is your problem? issues.
I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???
I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
What kind of crazy psycho is that???
Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.
I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???
And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?
What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.
It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.
The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?
Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.
Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!
1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!
2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.
3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.
In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.
In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.
I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???
I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.
Sick. Sick. Sick.
What kind of crazy psycho is that???
Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.
I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???
And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?
What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.
It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.
The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?
Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.
Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!
1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!
2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.
3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.
In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.
In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.
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