Have an issue? Here's a tissue!

I got my nails did on Wednesday and it made me realize that I have got some issues. Like serious, should see a therapist, WTF is your problem? issues.

I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???

I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

What kind of crazy psycho is that???

Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.

I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???

And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?

What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.

It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.

The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?

Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.

Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!

1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!

2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.

3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.

In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.

In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.

About Time for a Fall Review

Here are the shows that I care enough to talk about. If I put all the shows that I enjoy this would be the longest post in the history of posts and would probably bore everyone.

Revenge has come back with, well a vengeance. Heheh... see what I did there? Anyway it opened back up with delisciousness, Victoria is alive (shocker! but not really...) Charlotte is alive! Declan & Jack are tortured poor souls. Amanda is coo coo pants. Nolan is sexy & Emily is off getting a refresher course in being a badass from Tokata (Wow, that's the first time I've ever gotten that name correct, ever). But the best part is Aidan, the new and improved lover for Ms. Thorne. He's dark, he's dangerous, he's devilishly handsome & most importantly... he's English. Colin Frizzle was not wrong, an English accent automatically makes you hotter to the tenth degree. Anyway, I'm not going to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't had a chance to catch up...but seriously, catch up. You're missing out on amazing soapy yum yums. And Aidan is sooooo worth it. Oh & Daniels still around too, pretending to be someone who could take over his fathers company. I know -- Hi-larious!

So Once Upon A Time ended last season and I was kind of like... umm OK dudes where are you going to go from here? What's your plan? But they're going in the right direction. If you haven't seen the first few episodes & you plan on it, stop reading now, because I cannot really talk about this particular show without giving away a few juicies. Ok, so the first is that Snow & Emma have been accidentally (or NOT so accidentally) sent back to magical fairy land. So just when true love had a chance to be awesome, not so much. But now the queen is trying to repent (a  bit) which I love, and win back Henry's trust. Charming is all "I'm the Sheriff, hear me roar!" which is a little annoying and a little sexy. Snow & Emma are over in La La Land making goo goo eyes at Mulan & Captain Hook (respectfully) and Sleeping Beauty is all "woah is me, Philip is dead & well I was sleeping he fell in love with Mulan." Hook is sexy as HELL so check out his gimpy hotness. But the absolute best part is that RENE IS HENRY'S DAD!!!! Well the actor who played Rene on True Blood is the sire to our little hero. And though we haven't seen him, we know that Pinocchio is awake because he promised to send Rene (I don't remember his character's name - sorry) a post card when he could finally be with Emma again & at the beginning of the first episode a pigeon (oh yeah fairy tale magic puts the animals of our world to work! Republicans would be so proud) drops of a post card from Storybrooke. So while Emma is falling for Hook, the love of her life is headed towards home. AWKWARD!

What can I say about Castle? I guess all I have to say is...BINGO!!!! I think that for the first time in television history the couple got together and the show didn't go down the shitter!!! (I'm looking at you Bones!) Caskett has to keep things under wraps while at work so that leaves room for it not to get super mooshy. Plus watching Ryan & Esposito figure out that the two of them are finally making woopy made me giggle like a school girl. Also, if you don't have a crush on Nathan Fillion, like a "Joss Whedon, put you in everything I make, never let you go," kind of crush... then you have no soul!

New Girl has, by some miracle, just gotten funnier. Admittedly the first few episodes were kind of rough. I was like "but how? but why?" but they've gotten back into the swing of thing. The most recent episode had Jess on her period, Nick learning how to chill out, Schmidt trying to (once again) steal CeCe away from her beau and Winston thinking he had inherited Jess' menstruation. Hilarity ensued. Just watch. Please?

There are no words for Happy Endings. None whatsoever. Just watch this show and laugh your tuchis off and then buy me a drink for sending you in it's direction. I know. I know. People say a bagillion times "Oh my God! this show like TOTALLY is me and my friends! Like totally!" but somehow the writing and acting of this show kismittley come together to create "ness" that is just SO realistic. The dynamics between all the friends is just, how life roles. ya know? I don't know. Just trust me and watch it. Plus, I am Teegan Arrowspeare. Yes now you have to watch so you understand that reference. I AM A MASTERMIND!!!

Ok now it's time to get real. The only NEW show that I'm even slightly moved to mention is Nashville because it's the only show that I would cry if they cancelled. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I would probably pay money to watch Connie Britton take a sh*t. Luckily I can watch her do much prettier things, like sing and act like a lady, for free. Then there's Eric Close who I normally love but he is such a backboneless twirp that I hate him. But I love that I hate him. Word!!! The music is also somewhere between the best thing ever and I want to bathe in it and I'm in love and iTunes probably loves my $1.29 every time I purchase a song. Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio rock my frickin' socks off with every song they sing. Charles Esten could take my close off any day. Oopps, did I say that out loud? And Hayden Panettiere's Juliette made me so flippin' angry the first few episodes and now guess what... Love her!!! To top it all off Jonathon Jackson is back! Remember when I loved him with my whole heart as Lucky on General Hospital. Oh man, I do. Anyway, catch this show. It's good. And though it doesn't yet compare with Revenge in it's soapiness, it definitely has my heart.

I hope this made you feel entertained and informed. I have to get back to work now! LATERRRR!!!

Honorable mentions include, but are not limited to:

Revolution

Raising Hope

The Mindy Project

Ben & Kate

Modern Family

Suburgatory

Elementary

The Most Grounded Girls

I'm a little kooky. I always have been. I always will be.

But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.

How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.

No. That's not true. I know where it began.

It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.

It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.

I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.

Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?

There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.

I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.

And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.

It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.

I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.

And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.

But anyway... I've come to some realizations.

A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.

B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.

C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?

D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)

5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!




Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to  him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.

Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.



I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...

Cookie Dough

Why is it so hard to re-convince your body to do things that are good for it. I have been off my strict regime for approximately 25 days and today was my first day easing back into eating better.

I haven't been completely off track but I have not been stopping myself from eating that 3rd slice of pizza either. (It's just so tasty!!!!)

And I definitely haven't kept up with my workouts either. I've gone on a few runs, done a few videos but really nothing to significant in comparison to before.

I know how much better I feel all around when I eat better and workout regularly, so why is it so very hard to get back into it?

It's also strange for me to think that it's only been a few weeks since Bridget's wedding. Since the incident of smexual schmasault. Since I descended into my dark place. A place that consists mainly of Jane Austen movies and pajama pants. But I climbed back out of it, as I always do. With a little help from self esteem boost and a swift kick in my own ass.

I was sad because I thought that I had lost something that never really existed. I re-read He's Just Not That Into You. Well the chapter(s) that directly related to my situation. And the one that was most pertinent was "He's Just Not That Into You If He Disappeared on You." It couldn't be any more clearer than that. Greg Berandt (the resident former douche bag author of the book) makes some very valid points regarding this:

1. Yes maybe his cat died. Yes maybe his dad got sick. Yes maybe all of the sudden work got real. fast. But do you really want the guy who can't take 30 seconds out of his "busy" life to shoot you a text to let you know what's up. Do you want the guy that doesn't think you're worth that?

I sure shit don't.

2. You want someone who will pursue you. No, you don't let them do all the work but it's nice to feel wanted. Don't let them get all that good feeling.

3. If a guy is interested in you  the way you deserve to be interested in, he will find you. No matter where no matter what.

And shit head knows where to find me.

So I've been working more on me these last few weeks. I re-opened my OK Cupid account. Which has been interesting. I've been hit on & begun a text thing with a 20 year old. That might be a train wreck waiting to happen. And I've realized I'm better than this person I was dissolving into.

I'm Janice F***ING McCrostie.

And maybe I will only be the awesome Aunt. But if that's my fate, I will be the awesome published Aunt. The one who's getting Oscar nods for their screen plays. The one with Pulitzers (ok that might be stretching it) The one with passion for herself and her work.

That's who I want to be. And as much as I love Lizzy Bennett and Anne Elliott they do not help me become that person.

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking.

Chicks are for Dicks.

So Baby Mama is on & that has inspired to me to create my list of movies that are seemingly chick flicks but in truth are not! Agree. Disagree. Add to the list. Whatever you feel you need to do. But I'm right, just FYI.

10. Baby Mama 

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler are genius in this movie. All the way down to Amy's stellar South Jersey / Philadelphia accent and Tina's neurotic behavior. Why should dudes enjoy this movie? Because you all say you love a woman with a good sense of humor, well... your welcome.

9. The Birdcage. 

This movie doesn't necessarily fall into the Chick Flick category but being that I don't believe any group of guys would be like "Hey, lets rent a movie tonight... how about The Birdcage?" I threw it in there because you should. Robin Williams and Nathan Lane are so funny and heartwarming I dare you not to love them. DARE YOU.

8. Easy A. 

Emma Stone is hilarity embodied. Anyone who contest this, I will Thunderdome with them (two will enter, one will leave). She has perfect comic timing, amazing facial expressions & isn't too hard on the eyes. If that isn't enough this movie also has Amanda Bynes being a crazy funny bitch. I can say bitch because her character is actually that. This movie is a perfect example of how woman can carry a comedic film & it can still be high-larious.

7. The Sweetest Thing.

In this amazing film, ahead of it's time, Cameron Diaz & Christina Applegate were the raunchy, dirty, honest ladies, saying things that we all think but men never hear us say, loooong before Kristen Wigg & Maya Rudolph did it. This was kind of a sleeper hit, if only for it's amazing road trip scenes & musical number.

6. Bridget Jones' Diary. 

Oh Bridget. Ohhhhh Bridget. Change that to Oh Janice and you have me. The crazy shit that Bridget pulls. The ridiculous behavior and word vomit are an excellent example of myself & most woman. But if you watch this particular film for no other reason besides seeing how a real woman battles and deals with her insecurities (in a very humorous way) and how a real man (sigh Mark Darcy, sigh) falls for a woman, than it will be worth it. Because he "likes her, very much, just as she is."

5. Overboard.

Goldie Hawn is brilliant. Kurt Russell is brilliant. And ALL of his 4 kids (including Roy) are brilliant. Watch it. Just watch it now. You wont regret it. If only for Goldie Hawn's thong bathing suit.

4. When Harry Met Sally.

'Nuff said. Billy Crystal being awesome and Meg Ryan being adorable before all the plastic surgery. This movie examines whether or not men and woman can be friends.

3. Crazy, Stupid, Love.

So this one really isn't a full on Chick Flick but Ryan Goslings hot body can throw some dudes off. But, if you can ignore your jealousy over his Abs & catching Emma Stone there is a very stellar relationship between Ryan & Steve Carrell that I think is pretty funny. Carrell's growth from a wormy man who lost his "manhood" back into himself & Goslings transformation from a womanizer into someone who respects (at least one) woman show how friendship can make you a better and stronger person.

2. Bridesmaids.

It's just funny OK. It did for female comedians what The Sweetest Thing tried to do about 5 years ago. It proved that woman can be hilarious and sexy. It proved that beautiful can be funny. It proved that beautiful can be raunchy. It let men everywhere know that woman use their words to be just as dirty as all the men out there & then we laugh about it. Yes, yes, we laugh about pooping and farting and penis' cause they're funny looking.

1. Love Actually.

The name of this one turns most men off immediately, which is why I chose this super awesome photo of Bill Nighe so you know I'm for serious. Yes there is lovey dovey parts to this film, but they are only a small tiny itty bitty aspect to the bigger picture. How could you not laugh at Bill's desperate attempt to beat out the teeny bopper boy band for number one pop record (Christmas is All Around). And how could you not find it unbelievable funny that Colin Frizzle comes to America & gets hit on by a collection of hot ladies all because of his "sexy British accent" (it's true... we all know it's true... stop denying ladies, you could look like the tale end of a donkey but if you have a British accent the chances of you getting in my pants increase by 1,000). And if that was not enough there's all the amazing actors, showing off their stellar skills. Just trust me. Truuuuust me. It's one of my dad's favorite movies & he doesn't really like anything that was made after 1970.

Now Comes the Hard Part.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. But what about fool me three times?

After the drunk dial of last month we talked a bit. Via text message and phone. I'm not saying that we were anywhere near relationship town but it was nice. I wasn't talking about it with anyone so I wasn't stressing and we even talked on the phone some. It was nice. It was slow and nice.

Then it all just stopped. I get nothing. Hello? Is this thing on?

I'm sure my drunk dial after Bridget's wedding on Friday night didn't help. All I remember saying is "I'm going to regret this in the morning."

And I did.

And I do.

And I texted twice apologizing. The second text I even called myself a C U Next Tuesday. I mean I literally used that abbreviation for it, the real word would have been a little strong. But to no avail. Apparently whatever I said in that voice mail was unforgivable.

But was it? I don't think so. I think that I'm just not on his priorities list right now.

And I f***ing should be.

But now comes the hard part. If my science is has anything to do with it there is distinct probability that in 30 days I will be craving him again. Craving those feelings that I had when I was with him. Craving his kisses. I can only hope that I can be strong.

Because as crankypants as all the love stories around me have made me, they've done something amazing for me too. They made me remember what I should be excited for, what I should wait for.




In other news, Karoake last night with Emily was BOSSSS. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Here's What's Scary

If you have a perpetual desire to protect me, in the way that a father, brother or uncle would, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you don't want to think less of me as a human being, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you have, in the past or present, dropped your head into your hands because of something I have said or done, I definitely suggest you quit reading right now because you will not like what you read.

If however, you enjoy thorough honesty, a little bit of ridiculous behavior and over all debauchery. This post is for you.

Now that I've peaked your interest, let me continue.

It's interesting what a broken heart can do. As horrible as New Moon (the second in the Twilight series) is, I find that my inner Bella is peaking out a bit over the last few months. And yes as much as I despise the series and the character, even the strongest woman has a little weakness in her. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anyway. What I've found that I've been doing is putting myself in situations with men that normal Janice would never do. Maybe it's the few extra beers in my system. Maybe it's my pathetic need to feel wanted. Maybe I just want to feel something instead of sadness. Maybe, no definitely, I'm trying to find someone who's kisses make me forget about his. That much I know is true.

The first time I realized I may be pushing it was a few weeks ago when I was at the beach wedding. We were all schwaisted and I almost slept with someone who didn't even really want me. He had made it very apparent that he wanted to sleep with my friend. But I was just going for it. Luckily my brain woke up & I sent him packing. To the other bed. Where my friend was. So I got sexiled & therefor drunk dialed him. Worst.

So if that sordid tale were to live by itself in the month of July then all would be right in the world. But it doesn't live there alone because I did something again this weekend that scared myself.

After an epic wedding we of course hit up the hotel bar. After the hotel bar we of course, hung out in the lobby. And after that I made friends with some gentleman who were staying at the hotel attending another wedding. Most of them seemed really nice and sweet. One was a total douche bag but at least he was a wolf in sheep's clothing.The one guy seemed sweet and innocent enough. So I asked him to walk me to my room. Ok fine I asked to make out in the elevator. That's where it all went to scary town.

When we got to my floor he opened a laundry room door and pulled me in. We kissed for a little but then he started pulling my dress down and pulling my skirt up.

I told him I'm not doing this and pushed him away. He stepped in front of me and said "We don't have to do anything you don't want to" and I told him I don't want to do any of this. He stepped aside.

He easily could have NOT stepped aside.

I know sexual assault is nothing to joke about, but the next morning it was all I could do to joke about it because the reality of what almost happened was too much. I went, alone, into an vacant room with someone I didn't know at 2:30 in the morning. I could be telling a completely different story right now. One that doesn't end with something that rhymes with "smexually smashmaulted" Which at 10 AM over a plate of eggs was the funniest thing ever. Now that it's all set in, I feel very dirty. I feel very disgusted. I feel like I've really let myself down.

Since he who must not be named broke my heart, and lets be honest with ourselves, that's what he did, I've let myself drink too much. I've let myself drunk dial (yup, I called him after the wedding, before the almost incident above). It's like if I can feel anything, fear, disgust, self loathing, anger, anything is better than what I am feeling.

Because what I am feeling... is nothing.

You see, I keep holding onto this guy because I believe(d) there is a connection there that cannot have been for nothing. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think it was a figment of my imagination.

I don't know why  my behavior has been so poor. I don't know why I've been acting like I don't respect myself. Because I do. I wish I had some great answer for you. But I need to dial it down a bit. I need to get back to who I was before this person infiltrated my mind. I'll get there. I know I will/can.

But for right now? I'm cutting back on the partying until I make better choices. It'll just be better for everyone involved...