Cookie Dough

Why is it so hard to re-convince your body to do things that are good for it. I have been off my strict regime for approximately 25 days and today was my first day easing back into eating better.

I haven't been completely off track but I have not been stopping myself from eating that 3rd slice of pizza either. (It's just so tasty!!!!)

And I definitely haven't kept up with my workouts either. I've gone on a few runs, done a few videos but really nothing to significant in comparison to before.

I know how much better I feel all around when I eat better and workout regularly, so why is it so very hard to get back into it?

It's also strange for me to think that it's only been a few weeks since Bridget's wedding. Since the incident of smexual schmasault. Since I descended into my dark place. A place that consists mainly of Jane Austen movies and pajama pants. But I climbed back out of it, as I always do. With a little help from self esteem boost and a swift kick in my own ass.

I was sad because I thought that I had lost something that never really existed. I re-read He's Just Not That Into You. Well the chapter(s) that directly related to my situation. And the one that was most pertinent was "He's Just Not That Into You If He Disappeared on You." It couldn't be any more clearer than that. Greg Berandt (the resident former douche bag author of the book) makes some very valid points regarding this:

1. Yes maybe his cat died. Yes maybe his dad got sick. Yes maybe all of the sudden work got real. fast. But do you really want the guy who can't take 30 seconds out of his "busy" life to shoot you a text to let you know what's up. Do you want the guy that doesn't think you're worth that?

I sure shit don't.

2. You want someone who will pursue you. No, you don't let them do all the work but it's nice to feel wanted. Don't let them get all that good feeling.

3. If a guy is interested in you  the way you deserve to be interested in, he will find you. No matter where no matter what.

And shit head knows where to find me.

So I've been working more on me these last few weeks. I re-opened my OK Cupid account. Which has been interesting. I've been hit on & begun a text thing with a 20 year old. That might be a train wreck waiting to happen. And I've realized I'm better than this person I was dissolving into.

I'm Janice F***ING McCrostie.

And maybe I will only be the awesome Aunt. But if that's my fate, I will be the awesome published Aunt. The one who's getting Oscar nods for their screen plays. The one with Pulitzers (ok that might be stretching it) The one with passion for herself and her work.

That's who I want to be. And as much as I love Lizzy Bennett and Anne Elliott they do not help me become that person.

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking.

Chicks are for Dicks.

So Baby Mama is on & that has inspired to me to create my list of movies that are seemingly chick flicks but in truth are not! Agree. Disagree. Add to the list. Whatever you feel you need to do. But I'm right, just FYI.

10. Baby Mama 

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler are genius in this movie. All the way down to Amy's stellar South Jersey / Philadelphia accent and Tina's neurotic behavior. Why should dudes enjoy this movie? Because you all say you love a woman with a good sense of humor, well... your welcome.

9. The Birdcage. 

This movie doesn't necessarily fall into the Chick Flick category but being that I don't believe any group of guys would be like "Hey, lets rent a movie tonight... how about The Birdcage?" I threw it in there because you should. Robin Williams and Nathan Lane are so funny and heartwarming I dare you not to love them. DARE YOU.

8. Easy A. 

Emma Stone is hilarity embodied. Anyone who contest this, I will Thunderdome with them (two will enter, one will leave). She has perfect comic timing, amazing facial expressions & isn't too hard on the eyes. If that isn't enough this movie also has Amanda Bynes being a crazy funny bitch. I can say bitch because her character is actually that. This movie is a perfect example of how woman can carry a comedic film & it can still be high-larious.

7. The Sweetest Thing.

In this amazing film, ahead of it's time, Cameron Diaz & Christina Applegate were the raunchy, dirty, honest ladies, saying things that we all think but men never hear us say, loooong before Kristen Wigg & Maya Rudolph did it. This was kind of a sleeper hit, if only for it's amazing road trip scenes & musical number.

6. Bridget Jones' Diary. 

Oh Bridget. Ohhhhh Bridget. Change that to Oh Janice and you have me. The crazy shit that Bridget pulls. The ridiculous behavior and word vomit are an excellent example of myself & most woman. But if you watch this particular film for no other reason besides seeing how a real woman battles and deals with her insecurities (in a very humorous way) and how a real man (sigh Mark Darcy, sigh) falls for a woman, than it will be worth it. Because he "likes her, very much, just as she is."

5. Overboard.

Goldie Hawn is brilliant. Kurt Russell is brilliant. And ALL of his 4 kids (including Roy) are brilliant. Watch it. Just watch it now. You wont regret it. If only for Goldie Hawn's thong bathing suit.

4. When Harry Met Sally.

'Nuff said. Billy Crystal being awesome and Meg Ryan being adorable before all the plastic surgery. This movie examines whether or not men and woman can be friends.

3. Crazy, Stupid, Love.

So this one really isn't a full on Chick Flick but Ryan Goslings hot body can throw some dudes off. But, if you can ignore your jealousy over his Abs & catching Emma Stone there is a very stellar relationship between Ryan & Steve Carrell that I think is pretty funny. Carrell's growth from a wormy man who lost his "manhood" back into himself & Goslings transformation from a womanizer into someone who respects (at least one) woman show how friendship can make you a better and stronger person.

2. Bridesmaids.

It's just funny OK. It did for female comedians what The Sweetest Thing tried to do about 5 years ago. It proved that woman can be hilarious and sexy. It proved that beautiful can be funny. It proved that beautiful can be raunchy. It let men everywhere know that woman use their words to be just as dirty as all the men out there & then we laugh about it. Yes, yes, we laugh about pooping and farting and penis' cause they're funny looking.

1. Love Actually.

The name of this one turns most men off immediately, which is why I chose this super awesome photo of Bill Nighe so you know I'm for serious. Yes there is lovey dovey parts to this film, but they are only a small tiny itty bitty aspect to the bigger picture. How could you not laugh at Bill's desperate attempt to beat out the teeny bopper boy band for number one pop record (Christmas is All Around). And how could you not find it unbelievable funny that Colin Frizzle comes to America & gets hit on by a collection of hot ladies all because of his "sexy British accent" (it's true... we all know it's true... stop denying ladies, you could look like the tale end of a donkey but if you have a British accent the chances of you getting in my pants increase by 1,000). And if that was not enough there's all the amazing actors, showing off their stellar skills. Just trust me. Truuuuust me. It's one of my dad's favorite movies & he doesn't really like anything that was made after 1970.

Now Comes the Hard Part.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. But what about fool me three times?

After the drunk dial of last month we talked a bit. Via text message and phone. I'm not saying that we were anywhere near relationship town but it was nice. I wasn't talking about it with anyone so I wasn't stressing and we even talked on the phone some. It was nice. It was slow and nice.

Then it all just stopped. I get nothing. Hello? Is this thing on?

I'm sure my drunk dial after Bridget's wedding on Friday night didn't help. All I remember saying is "I'm going to regret this in the morning."

And I did.

And I do.

And I texted twice apologizing. The second text I even called myself a C U Next Tuesday. I mean I literally used that abbreviation for it, the real word would have been a little strong. But to no avail. Apparently whatever I said in that voice mail was unforgivable.

But was it? I don't think so. I think that I'm just not on his priorities list right now.

And I f***ing should be.

But now comes the hard part. If my science is has anything to do with it there is distinct probability that in 30 days I will be craving him again. Craving those feelings that I had when I was with him. Craving his kisses. I can only hope that I can be strong.

Because as crankypants as all the love stories around me have made me, they've done something amazing for me too. They made me remember what I should be excited for, what I should wait for.




In other news, Karoake last night with Emily was BOSSSS. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Here's What's Scary

If you have a perpetual desire to protect me, in the way that a father, brother or uncle would, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you don't want to think less of me as a human being, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you have, in the past or present, dropped your head into your hands because of something I have said or done, I definitely suggest you quit reading right now because you will not like what you read.

If however, you enjoy thorough honesty, a little bit of ridiculous behavior and over all debauchery. This post is for you.

Now that I've peaked your interest, let me continue.

It's interesting what a broken heart can do. As horrible as New Moon (the second in the Twilight series) is, I find that my inner Bella is peaking out a bit over the last few months. And yes as much as I despise the series and the character, even the strongest woman has a little weakness in her. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anyway. What I've found that I've been doing is putting myself in situations with men that normal Janice would never do. Maybe it's the few extra beers in my system. Maybe it's my pathetic need to feel wanted. Maybe I just want to feel something instead of sadness. Maybe, no definitely, I'm trying to find someone who's kisses make me forget about his. That much I know is true.

The first time I realized I may be pushing it was a few weeks ago when I was at the beach wedding. We were all schwaisted and I almost slept with someone who didn't even really want me. He had made it very apparent that he wanted to sleep with my friend. But I was just going for it. Luckily my brain woke up & I sent him packing. To the other bed. Where my friend was. So I got sexiled & therefor drunk dialed him. Worst.

So if that sordid tale were to live by itself in the month of July then all would be right in the world. But it doesn't live there alone because I did something again this weekend that scared myself.

After an epic wedding we of course hit up the hotel bar. After the hotel bar we of course, hung out in the lobby. And after that I made friends with some gentleman who were staying at the hotel attending another wedding. Most of them seemed really nice and sweet. One was a total douche bag but at least he was a wolf in sheep's clothing.The one guy seemed sweet and innocent enough. So I asked him to walk me to my room. Ok fine I asked to make out in the elevator. That's where it all went to scary town.

When we got to my floor he opened a laundry room door and pulled me in. We kissed for a little but then he started pulling my dress down and pulling my skirt up.

I told him I'm not doing this and pushed him away. He stepped in front of me and said "We don't have to do anything you don't want to" and I told him I don't want to do any of this. He stepped aside.

He easily could have NOT stepped aside.

I know sexual assault is nothing to joke about, but the next morning it was all I could do to joke about it because the reality of what almost happened was too much. I went, alone, into an vacant room with someone I didn't know at 2:30 in the morning. I could be telling a completely different story right now. One that doesn't end with something that rhymes with "smexually smashmaulted" Which at 10 AM over a plate of eggs was the funniest thing ever. Now that it's all set in, I feel very dirty. I feel very disgusted. I feel like I've really let myself down.

Since he who must not be named broke my heart, and lets be honest with ourselves, that's what he did, I've let myself drink too much. I've let myself drunk dial (yup, I called him after the wedding, before the almost incident above). It's like if I can feel anything, fear, disgust, self loathing, anger, anything is better than what I am feeling.

Because what I am feeling... is nothing.

You see, I keep holding onto this guy because I believe(d) there is a connection there that cannot have been for nothing. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think it was a figment of my imagination.

I don't know why  my behavior has been so poor. I don't know why I've been acting like I don't respect myself. Because I do. I wish I had some great answer for you. But I need to dial it down a bit. I need to get back to who I was before this person infiltrated my mind. I'll get there. I know I will/can.

But for right now? I'm cutting back on the partying until I make better choices. It'll just be better for everyone involved...

Raise Your Glass

Apparently I have a way with words. Or so I've heard. But it is true that my toast at my best friend's wedding this weekend was fairly bangin' so I figured as an introduction back into blogging I'd post it here for you all to read, peruse, enjoy, whatever...


There is a Dr. Seuss quote that goes: 

"We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."


And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly describes my friendship with Bridget. When we first became friends about 15 years ago it seemed almost instantaneous. I had found someone who truly understood me. 

So I'm going to tell you Bridget & Arthur's love story from the point of view of the best friend who was over 2,000 miles away when it happened. I got to know Arthur through facebook & skype & email. I got to hold Bridget's hand when we were in Barcelona and she'd been away from Arthur for about 2 weeks (the longest up to that time) and she was crying because she missed him so much. *CRAP* (this is where I lost my place and spilled champagne on my speech)

Then when I got home I got to see what all the fuss was about. I got to see not only the man my friend was in love with, but the guy who had won over all of friends. 

When Bridget called me to tell me that they were engaged, I can't lie I started to cry. Instantly I was 6 years old again and someone was stealing my best friend. But then I realized something amazing. I was not losing a best friend, Arthur wasn't stealing Bridget away. Instead, I have gained another best friend. Another person I can love and depend on.

I know that I can count on the McMahons to help with with whatever life throws my way. And that makes me truly blessed. 

Congratulations to Bridget & Arthur, you're a beautiful couple and I'm so glad to call you both my best friends. 

Biting the Bullet

It's that time of life again. That time when something BIG comes up and all you want is that special someone to go with you.

When I was 18 that was prom. No one asked me. Whatever.

But I still bought myself 2 tickets because I knew I'd find someone who would want to spend this magical night with me. No one asked and there was no one I wanted to take.

I ended up taking a friend from work, who was, for the lack of better terminology... a creeper.

Whatever I looked hot, I was told I looked hot by a crush and at the end of the day it was a good day to be 18.

After that couple-y things slow down throughout college. You could have someone with you but it's not the end of the world & you could always find a guy friend willing to attend a sorority formal. After all... a bunch of super sexy sorority girls in cocktail dresses, drinking cocktails is not something many college boys will aim to miss.

Then you graduate. And the weddings start. I've posted before about being the leper at the bar during friend's weddings. I shall play my part. Because I have curves and I'm not afraid to use them. Weddings I'm not afraid of. Weddings I can handle.

But then something else loomed on the horizon...

my 10 year high school reunion.

And guess what...

I'm still single. I'm still curvy. I'm still fabulous & funny.

So why was I so afraid to purchase only 1 ticket for this event? Do I really want someone tagging along, following me around as I talk to people I kinda sorta cared about? (sorry if any of you are reading this but... come on! you know it's true!)

Anyway, I bit the hypothetical bullet. I purchased a ticket. A. Ticket. I'm going solo to this event. If I meet someone between then and now that I would like to bring, then I will purchase another Ticket. But otherwise...

I'm embracing my single-hood in a way I've avoided in the past. I've never hated being single. In fact I've enjoyed it in the past. I don't think that my dislike of going to things alone has anything to do with my not being in a relationship.

It has to do with just being tired of doing things along.

Tired of inconveniencing friends.

Tired of bringing my mom to things.

I love her. But. really.

My dating life has been a rocky road. But the best things are never easy right?

So I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion SOLO. I'm not bringing my best gay. I'm not asking the hottie with the body at work. I'm not bringing my mom.

That is my choice. And I'm damned proud of it.

Broken Promises

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry over you again. I broke that promise today.

Because 3 hours after I texted you, you still hadn't responded.

And maybe if that hadn't been your M-O for the last 2 weeks of this tangled web I wouldn't have minded. But it just seemed to me like whenever I said anything that you didn't know how to respond to you just ignored it. Like I would just go away if you let me set long enough. I wish it worked that way.

I'm not blaming you. That's one thing you have to understand. None of this is your fault. Because I chose to step back into the fire. That was my choice.

I wanted something that was never there. I think anyway.

But you're playing so cool that I'm freezing. And I don't like the person I've become when it comes to you.

That terrifies me.

When other guys have hurt me or treated me bad I've flipped them the bird and walked away.

And for some reason with you I wasn't prepared to do that.

I think there was something in the way you looked at me.

Something in the way you kissed me.

But those amazing things do not make up for you never texting first or for you not responding to texts or for not returning phone calls.

Not anymore. Not for me.

And that obsessive behavior made me break a promise to myself. That's the worst kind of promise to break.

I feel like I have to say again that all of this is on me. You told me what you were available for.

And I want so bad to be that girl. The girl who can lay in your arms and not get completely lost in what we could be. In how I've imagined us to be.

You said that we don't know what the future holds. One time you said "In a week I could be dead."

And I get that outlook. That's where your at. Whatever.

But in my attempt to not over think because of that reason I then think "If you don't know what tomorrow brings, don't you want me today?"

I finally said it out loud today. And now I'll say it again. I don't know who this person is anymore.

I know every other piece of Janice, except for the piece that would do anything to see your face. Except the person who tells you absolute truths without hesitation and makes themselves completely vulnerable to every move you make and word you speak. The person who got so lost in trying to make you see what you could have that I lost who I am.

You've been deleted out of my phone. After my last text that sounded crazy pants I deleted you. Because I don't like feeling crazy. And every time you ignore one of my text or phone calls I start to feel even more insane. Even more like I've pushed myself into this place.

I believe in signs. Always have. So when I ran into you a few weeks ago I thought it was one. I'm not sure anymore.

And I still hope that maybe a few months or a year from now, maybe we'll find our time.

They say everything is timing.

But for now I'm sad and here's why.

I've realized you are not ever going to call and that you will probably never text.

Not without my prompting.

And that makes me sad.

Because even though I think I'm crazy I know you feel what I feel. Or could or will or should have.

But as for me.

I will no longer be a slave to my phone. I will no longer live and breathe by a little green light and an envelope.

I broke a promise to myself.

I tried to be easy breezy. And you tried to teach me. And I thought we balanced. But you can't balance when one person has chosen to carry 90% of the weight.

Why did I do this to me?

I wish and pray that one day you realize that you are kind and smart and beautiful and caring and loving and loyal and everything that I saw. And that you deserve everything that this too sweet and good girl had to offer.

You deserved me to fall for you. For all the things someone buried that you can't see anymore. You deserve me.

But now I'm done, for now, I'm done. My heart and mind can't take this anymore and those are two far to precious things to be screwing with.

After all, you never know what tomorrow may bring. But to spend another day of this life hoping you'll wise up and come around is just not an option for me anymore.

I've done all I can. I think I've given all I have. I've given all I have to someone who I met 2 months ago who doesn't want it right now.

How crazy is that???

It's crazy.

and I'm crazy. but I'm not that kind of crazy.

come around. come. come around.

someday.

come around.

until then.

i'll hope.

i can have hope.

but i wont pretend anymore.