Broken Promises

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry over you again. I broke that promise today.

Because 3 hours after I texted you, you still hadn't responded.

And maybe if that hadn't been your M-O for the last 2 weeks of this tangled web I wouldn't have minded. But it just seemed to me like whenever I said anything that you didn't know how to respond to you just ignored it. Like I would just go away if you let me set long enough. I wish it worked that way.

I'm not blaming you. That's one thing you have to understand. None of this is your fault. Because I chose to step back into the fire. That was my choice.

I wanted something that was never there. I think anyway.

But you're playing so cool that I'm freezing. And I don't like the person I've become when it comes to you.

That terrifies me.

When other guys have hurt me or treated me bad I've flipped them the bird and walked away.

And for some reason with you I wasn't prepared to do that.

I think there was something in the way you looked at me.

Something in the way you kissed me.

But those amazing things do not make up for you never texting first or for you not responding to texts or for not returning phone calls.

Not anymore. Not for me.

And that obsessive behavior made me break a promise to myself. That's the worst kind of promise to break.

I feel like I have to say again that all of this is on me. You told me what you were available for.

And I want so bad to be that girl. The girl who can lay in your arms and not get completely lost in what we could be. In how I've imagined us to be.

You said that we don't know what the future holds. One time you said "In a week I could be dead."

And I get that outlook. That's where your at. Whatever.

But in my attempt to not over think because of that reason I then think "If you don't know what tomorrow brings, don't you want me today?"

I finally said it out loud today. And now I'll say it again. I don't know who this person is anymore.

I know every other piece of Janice, except for the piece that would do anything to see your face. Except the person who tells you absolute truths without hesitation and makes themselves completely vulnerable to every move you make and word you speak. The person who got so lost in trying to make you see what you could have that I lost who I am.

You've been deleted out of my phone. After my last text that sounded crazy pants I deleted you. Because I don't like feeling crazy. And every time you ignore one of my text or phone calls I start to feel even more insane. Even more like I've pushed myself into this place.

I believe in signs. Always have. So when I ran into you a few weeks ago I thought it was one. I'm not sure anymore.

And I still hope that maybe a few months or a year from now, maybe we'll find our time.

They say everything is timing.

But for now I'm sad and here's why.

I've realized you are not ever going to call and that you will probably never text.

Not without my prompting.

And that makes me sad.

Because even though I think I'm crazy I know you feel what I feel. Or could or will or should have.

But as for me.

I will no longer be a slave to my phone. I will no longer live and breathe by a little green light and an envelope.

I broke a promise to myself.

I tried to be easy breezy. And you tried to teach me. And I thought we balanced. But you can't balance when one person has chosen to carry 90% of the weight.

Why did I do this to me?

I wish and pray that one day you realize that you are kind and smart and beautiful and caring and loving and loyal and everything that I saw. And that you deserve everything that this too sweet and good girl had to offer.

You deserved me to fall for you. For all the things someone buried that you can't see anymore. You deserve me.

But now I'm done, for now, I'm done. My heart and mind can't take this anymore and those are two far to precious things to be screwing with.

After all, you never know what tomorrow may bring. But to spend another day of this life hoping you'll wise up and come around is just not an option for me anymore.

I've done all I can. I think I've given all I have. I've given all I have to someone who I met 2 months ago who doesn't want it right now.

How crazy is that???

It's crazy.

and I'm crazy. but I'm not that kind of crazy.

come around. come. come around.

someday.

come around.

until then.

i'll hope.

i can have hope.

but i wont pretend anymore.