My Strange Addiction

So last Friday I went out for a drink with a friend after work. We went to a pub right here in the town where the theatre is. For those that don't now, he who must not be named lives here in Madison.

Yes, since you're asking, I ran into him.

It was really weird. Mostly bc although I kept hoping and wish and believing it would be a sign to run into him somewhere, I was really surprised. So surprised in fact that my heart was pounding and I was super awkward. So awkward in fact that I asked how he was & then didn't let him answer.

So I texted later to find out for sure & we texted back and forth a bit that night but then didn't talk again until I texted him on Weds.

When he picked me up in his new truck.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. All I know is that when I kiss him my brain shuts off and all I care about is kissing him more.

And that's addictive.

I also realized that he's the only man who's ever called me beautiful, adorable, gorgeous and made me believe it. The first man who's ever made me feel desirable.

That is also very addictive.






So we road around for like 15 minutes basking in our awkwardness. Finally he asked "Why are you here? You should hate me?" and I agreed but told him that for some f-ed up reason I don't. That I can't get him off my mind. He said that he's an asshole and I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He said that 'if this were a movie, I would be the villain.' I told him I don't agree. That I'm really good at reading people and he is not as bad as he thinks he is. And I also told him that in some f-ed up way he is just as good for me as I am for him.

Eventually I told him "listen, if you're not looking for something with me bc you're not interested or you're not ready, that's one thing. But if you're avoiding me bc you think it's some gallant way of protecting me from you bc you're not good enough for me than that's not your decision to make." I also told him "If you're not ready for a relationship than I don't want you anyway." then I told him I lied and that I do want him just not yet. Then I told him when he's ready he should take me on a date.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't want people thinking I'm stupid but there is just something about this guy that makes me not want to give up yet. There's something about him I'm not willing to let go of yet.

and maybe that makes me stupid. Maybe that makes me naive.

I don't have my rose colored glasses on anymore. So maybe this time the fall out wont be a week of me crying myself to sleep.

Maybe it will.

But it's kind of a risk I want to take.

So that's me in a nutshell. you're all caught up and caught upsky.