I Don't Know What to Title This

Just so everyone knows... just so we're clear...

I don't need to be reminded that my life is a mess. I don't need to be reminded that I'm 30 years old, single, unemployed and living with my parents. I don't need to be reminded that I don't actually know what I want to do with my life.

I don't need to be reminded that the most productive thing I've done in the last few days is the dishes.

I want to write and have people read it. I want to make a difference. I want to do something that means something to someone.

This past week I've fallen into a bit of a slump. I blame the weather 78% and my psyche 22%. Maybe my math is off. But I could feel myself falling victim to the dark side this week. I didn't want to do anything.

I'm slowly climbing out.

But for some reason I don't even want to pretend to understand... Valentine's Day is hitting me extra hard this year. It's never phased me one iota, but this year, every commercial makes my chest tight and my eyes water.

I just really want an edible arrangement this year.
A. it looks delicious.
B. it's the perfect gift because it's chocolate AND fruit. You can't get too angry for falling off your diet.

Right?

Anyway. It's dark down here. Which makes working on my own writing frustrating.

Plus I have this stupid cold. The kind of cold that's a bit debilitating but also you feel like you should be doing stuff. Ya know? Gross.

So now, here I am, watching my thousandth episode of Bones / Castle / SVU and I can't help but wonder...

What the hell am I doing? How do you find a job when you don't know what you want to do? Every job that I find in Theatre either does not pay OR is something I don't want to do anymore OR I'm completely unqualified for it OR I'm depressed and the thought of traveling into the city to work sounds like the worst when happy me actually would find it to be the best.

I don't know.

I'm just tired. My body and my mind are tired.

I need to get back to Kickboxing. The weather and my cold have left me kind of... pathetic.

Huh. Things come full circle sometimes.

Pathetic really is the New Black.

And just for the record, my blog came out long before the Netflix series. 

The Blessing We Sometimes Curse

When I was living in Glasgow I was as independent as one can get. I walked places, alone, at night, always a little on my guard, just in case. What I did not do was call my mother whenever I got in at night. But still, when my family came to visit and stayed at a Bed and Breakfast three blocks from my flat, I was asked to call them when I got home. 

Now at the time, I rolled my eyes and said "Moooooom" and she still made me do it, knowing how ridiculous it was. And it was all because I was her baby and she knew when I left the B&B so she had to know when I was home safe and sound. 

Now I've been thinking about this quite a bit lately, the concept of being worried about. I think it's been on my mind a little more lately because I've been laid off and I know that my friends and family worry about me a little. They really shouldn't because I have an amazing support system, like Spider Man's crazy strong webs, support system. 

But isn't that just nice? What a blessing, what an unbelievable blessing, that I have people who worry about me.

There are far too many people out there that don't have a core group of family and friends who genuinely care and henceforth, worry. And it really puts it's all in perspective. I am so unbelievably lucky.

I'm lucky that people keep asking me how I'm doing and what I am doing and how the job search is and whats new and how's my writing. Sometimes it sounds more like "Do you have your life together, YET?" but what it really is is people caring.

I'm lucky that there are individuals in my life who's brows furrow whenever they ask about my love life. (SINGLE. Still single.)

I'm lucky that my mother still peaks her head into my room in the AM after a particularly late night, and when I go "whaaaaaat?!?!!?" she responds with "just making sure..."

As infuriating as it can be, I'm lucky that I have a father who is prepared to go to battle with anyone who treats me poorly. Down Daddy, down. 

I'm lucky that I have friends who, for right now, will offer to pick up the tab.

I'm lucky that whenever we're out together and I'm chatting up some stud, my brother stands juuuuust close enough that it gives off the right impression, an impression of "I'm not with this girl, but this girl is important to me, so if you do anything I don't like I will pound you."

I'm lucky to get "when will you be home?" texts. (Even though 9 times out of 10 my plans have already been shared and apparently not remembered!) 

So, next time you find yourself rolling your eyes about someone "checking in on you" take a moment, take a breath and remind yourself...

There are too many people out there who never get a "just checking" text or a phone call "just because" so every single one of them are a blessing. It is a blessing to be worried about.

Maybe not for the worrier, but that's their problem, not mine :-P

What Now?

It's been a while since I've posted and a lot has changed. Remember when I said that I seem to write LESS the more pathetic my life actually is, and the irony in all that. Well it's true.

My life got pretty pathetic over the past 2 months.

I got laid off from my job and the "official" reason was because I cost more money to keep on the payroll than the other House Manager. But, if I can't be honest on my own damn blog where can I be, I don't really think that's why.

It's more drama than it's worth to actually get into everything that happened and frankly I really don't want to. But today I had an epiphany. Yes I am between jobs. Yes I'm collecting unemployment. Yes I'm still living at my parents. Yes my car is about to die a quick death, probably on the side of some road without shoulders or in the Wendy's drive through.

But gosh darn-it I am happy. I'm much happier than I was.

Losing my job was a blessing in disguise. It was time for me to move on from there and I wouldn't have on my own because I was comfortable. I was comfortable some place that didn't deserve me anyway, so I'm glad.

What do I have going on now? Well I don't know.

I'm doing a whole lot of dodging peoples questions about if I've found another job, that takes up about 35% of my day. Another 20% or so is spent working out, then I also keep my room pretty clean. There's the sleeping, that's pretty good. Working on the many writing pieces I've started and left abandoned. Oh, I've also got this awesome blog I've ignored for too long. I've also gotten a job with a few hours per week teaching art for after school programs in my town. I love it. I missed hanging out with kids.

I've interviewed for a Teaching Artist position at a local theatre and I'm waiting to hear back about that. And if I do get that I'm going to get a part time job somewhere, because that would not leave a whole lot of breathing room for me to get a full time gig at a  non profit.

Oh yeah, I'm trying to stay in the non profit margin, maybe even find something at a charity I support. Really, what I'd love to do is work for Garden State Equality or something. But that's neither here nor there, for right now I'm just waiting to hear back about that other job.

What the hell was that? I guess I'm not as good as I thought at dodging those questions about my job search.

Anyway, so, I allowed myself a wee break down the other day. Let it go on. Wondered around the house with red eyes and I'm pretty sure a little bit of dinner on my shirt. But as I snuggled down at the end of the day I told myself, I said "self, tomorrow is a new day and you will not be this person tomorrow."

So I brushed it off, got up, went to church, spent some good times with my family and reorganized my brain.

So what now? Well now I get to start my next chapter. Whatever the hell that may be. 

Catching Fire Review (Spoiler: My Socks Were Rocked)

I've given a few days to let get my second viewing in and to process everything. Also, cause I'm a good person, I gave it a few days so that you all can get your Catching Fire fill and I wont be spoiling anything. With that being said, spoiler alert.

The best way to describe how I feel in my core about this movie is that when I was trying to plan out my pee breaks for my second viewing I couldn't figure out where to take them. Because I wanted to see the whole thing from start to finish with my eyeballs again.

Anyway, I've decided that the best way to review Catching Fire, is by writing love letters to the cast. In doing so, I think you'll get my feelings on the movie.

Disclaimer: If I don't mention an actor, it doesn't mean that I don't like them, or hate them, or wish sexually transmitted diseases on them, it just means that their portrayal was everything I had anticipated and have no more to say. So, lay off, Liam Hemsworth was a good Gale, I just don't have anything more to say about it. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Stanley Tucci, you sexy Italian God. How you manage to still make me want to rip your clothes off with purple hair and ginormous teeth I will never know. Somehow you just built on your fabulousity from the first film, making Caesar even more lovable. Really, he represents everything we should hate about the Capital, specifically the glorification of the games, but somehow we just love him. And you gave me everything I wanted from the books. Especially the moment where his demeanor begins to come unraveled, so subtle, so perfect.

Woody Harrelson, you're a sneaky mother f***er. You sneak inside my heart, just like Haymitch does, and then you set up your tent and camp out like a Black Friday shopper. Well done sir, well done.

Elizabeth Banks, just stop. Stop being the perfect embodiment of everything I love to hate. Stop being Effie Trinket in every way, shape or form. Stop pulling off ridiculous dresses, hair styles and makeup applications with such poise that it makes me think I can wear it to the diner for my church meeting. Stop showing us, with your perfection, that even Effie, born and raised in the Capital, can change and has changed and hurts for what is happening. That Effie has finally seen what the Games do to the other Districts. You do all that, with your few lines of regret. You're brilliant. So just stop, ok, you make it hard for the other's to keep up.

Jack Quaid, way to die, again. Bravo. Did you have to scare off all those turkeys though? Rude.

Jena Malone. COME ONNNN!! Come on!! Could you be any luckier? Johanna isn't the easiest character to play, she's got so many layers that she's like an parfait, but good God is she fun! And you nailed the shit out of it. Seriously. Your elevator introduction may be the best thing that ever happened in the history of film, don't tell The Tree of Life or The Life of Pi or any of those other films that exist to be poignant. Your entrance was poignant, because it showed a woman who had taken her power back and knew how to get what she wanted. Most people are terrified of her, so thanks for making her awesome.

Seneca Crane's Beard, lookin' good buddy! Bravo.

Sam Claflin when you were cast last year I was excited, but I had a few friends that were a little hesitant and I told them all the same thing. That when casting Finnick it couldn't just be about looks (which, may I say, bravo to mom & dad Claflin) but it had to be about acting ability. And you hit that sh*t out of the park! (Oh, I'm sorry, that's a baseball reference, it means... home run! so basically it means good job) You gave us small moments of Finnick's pain and glimpses into his life that made me so very excited for your performance in Mockingjay. I cannot wait to see all that you'll bring to the movie. Thanks. To you, I say, Thank you.

Jennifer Lawrence can we just be best friends? I know you have the whole world vying to talk about Thor with you and marathon Firefly over a bucket of popcorn / fried chicken but I really mean it. Also, let just talk about how you bring Katniss to life for me in a way that I never anticipated. Because the novel is written in first person, there are human aspects to Katniss that we miss because she doesn't see them. You do not miss them, you embrace them. You make Katniss more human and more beautiful than I could have dream. So, thanks to you. Call me.

Josh Hutcherson, listen Josh, I don't know where to start with this. Beside quotes from you about being most excited in life to settle down and have a family, besides the fact that you're a gay rights activist, besides your ballin' sense of humor, you're not too hard to look at either. So since you're like 9 years my junior, could you stop making my body feel things? Then as if real life you isn't awesome enough, you step into Peeta as if he's your favorite pair of jeans. Like the part was made for you. There were times in this film where I actually thought "how is he acting because that was just..." and then the thoughts cut out because you were Peeta. You embodied Peeta in District 11, finally being broken of your Baker's Boy naivety. You broke my heart when Snow announced that Katniss was going back into the arena, and you couldn't get your head around your heartbreak. Little moments. Ugh.

Enjoying The View

Wow. It has been far too long since I posted on this piece. My apologies. I've noticed that the more pathetic my life actually is, the less I actually write on my blog. That, my friends, is a little thing called irony.

Anyway I had a pretty amazing start to my birthday week. Yup, you heard it here first (or one thousandth, whatever) this upcoming Sunday I turn the big 3-0. I wasn't really having an existential crisis over this big birthday until a few weeks ago, but then I was like "holy sh*tballs I'm going to be a 30 year old who doesn't have their life together one iota." But I quickly realized something else.

My career and love life may be balls to the walls but I have hit it out of the park as far as the people in my life are concerned. My best friend and my parents are throwing me a birthday party this Saturday night. I get to know when it is, but that's it, so it's kind of a surprise party, which is kind of fun. Friends are coming up from WV and who knows where else, just for my birthday. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I may not have it all together but I'm definitely surrounded by the best people while I try to figure it all out.

My friend Kari is unable to make it because she's running the Disney Half Marathon this weekend (No Big Deal) so she asked me to come in to her work on Tuesday. Kari's work isn't just any old thang, she works for The View, and this past Tuesday the one and only Kathy Griffin was the guest. I mean, come on. I want to BE her when I grow up! So my mom and I went in and the following is a true account of our supercalafragelisticexpyaladotious morning.

7:14 AM: Train to NYC.
8:18 AM: Taxi to ABC Studios
8:31 AM: Mom and I befriend a man who was either homeless or an employee for ABC. We may never know.
8:55 AM: We head inside, VIP style.
9:43 AM: Kari comes and collects us from the line, saving us from having to stand near the most obnoxious man in the history of Obnoxia.
9:47 AM: Kari tells me to be cool because we're walking past the dressing rooms.
10:08 AM: Peta Murgatroyd from Dancing with the Stars pops into the green room to grab an apple. Because I follow her on all of the social media, I think we're besties and immediately smile very large and say hi. She leaves. No because I say hi, just because she has sh*t to do. She actually said hi back very nicely before skedaddling. I turned to Kari and ask if that was ok. She says yes. I then get very excited because if Peta is here, that means Brant Dougherty is here, which means that two of the most attractive people on the face of the planet are within yelling distance of myself. I do not yell.
10:45 AM: Kari proclaims it's the to head up to the studio.
10:46 AM: As we are waiting for the elevator Kari says that she was hopeful that Kathy would arrive early so that I could meet her, but no luck. Or luck? The elevator dings and there is the fabulous Ms. Griffin with her entourage who STILL has time to say hi to us. She may have just been being nice, because I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the floor. She's seriously one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. You  know I love a ginger.
10:47 AM: Kari asks why I didn't tell her that I loved her, I tell Kari I was trying to "be cool."
10:49 AM: We get some amazing seats. Seriously, we might as well have been sitting with Sherri, Jenny, Barbara and Brad. (Whoopi was out so Brad Garrett was stepping in as co-host. He's a funny bastard).
11:00 AM: The show begins and it's an awesome amazing capital time. (Yes I'm aware that is redundant but it's true.) At some point the hype guy / comedian asks me if I have a question for Kathy, which I'm dumbfounded at because I'm in love with her. So I'm the blubbering idiot who's all "Ummm, errrr... does she need an assistant? Does Tiffany?" He gives me the look that means "I'm not asking her that." so I ask if she'll sign my book and he said he would try.
12:00 PM: The show ends and Kari comes back to pick us up. I felt like a preschooler but a really cool preschooler.
12:04 PM: We hit the elevator. We get out of the elevator. There is Kathy again. We're destined to meet like this, two ships passing in the sea. I tell her I love you. She says thank you. Kari tells her I'm her biggest fan, but alas it was not meant to be as Kath had to get to David Letterman & the elevator doors close. (Yeah, I call her Kath now, we're that close).
12:07 PM: We're back up stairs on the magical floor with the dressing rooms & the green room. I run to the bathroom I see Brant, I see Brad, I see Peta, I see Barbara. I mean basically we're like a pretty small gang now.
12:10 PM: Kari returns with my book, signed by the divine Ms. Griffin. Yes, to me, she is divine.

12:11 PM: Birthday week on it's way to being one of the best ever!
12:14 PM: As we leave I hear Barbara Walters asking if anyone knows where her car is. "Wherw is my caw?"
12:16 PM: We get to the elevator to find Brant & Peta waiting patiently. Kari tells them she's bummed they got kicked off. They say they are too. Then I say "I might have cried." and Brant looks right in my eyeballs, directly into my soul & says "I might have cried too." (side note: we might be pregnant). We carried on our chat about how it's to that point in the season where it's no longer talent that keeps people on the show and how disappointing that is.
12:18 PM: Barbra Walters shows up, rockin' a totally amazing coat.
12:20 PM: We ride the elevator with Brant, Peta and Barbra and I try to "be cool" by asking Kari about Bridget's profile picture. Lame party of 1.
12:22 PM: We say goodbye to Kari and thank her for an incredible morning.
12:30 PM: I call my boyfriend Bob and don't take a breath for about 5 minutes while I tell him about my morning. He asks me a work related question. We say goodbye.
1:00 PM: Mom and I get lunch then head back home on the train.


I mean, this is an awesome way to start your birthday week. At least I think so. End scene.

This is Why it Bothers me When you Call yourself "Fat"

It's come to my attention that people may not understand why it is that "overweight" people get so bent out of shape when someone who is fit, or for all intents and purposes, thin, starts talking about their weight.

I would like to preempt this by saying that I am well aware that everyone has their own insecurities, everyone is their own worst critic and everyone has their own weight that they are comfortable at. All things I fully understand. But just don't talk about things regarding your weight in front of me.

Here's why.

When my thin friends start calling themselves fat, or saying how big their stomach is, or look at a picture of themselves and say 'God I look huge' what I hear is "Janice, you're disgusting."

I am well aware that this does not make very much sense. Let me try to break it down a little more.

You don't have 2 kind of big stomach rolls when you sit down, your tummy is pretty much flat.
You don't have to worry about bringing a sweater because your embarrassed by your arm flub.
You can wear shorts.
You can leave a store without trying something on to make sure it fits properly, because it will.

So when you say that you think that you look gross, I can't help but wonder, I can't help but feel like, you must be completely disgusted by me.

Logically I know this is my own insecurities, but it's a gut reaction. An automatic reaction. If my skinny, beautiful, can eat whatever she wants friend thinks that she looks bad in that photo, then what must I look like to her? What must I look like to everyone else here? Standing next to this beauty and she looks awful? I must look like the Jaba the Hut!

I'm not trying to say that anyone's insecurities are more important than others. But if you've never been overweight and had ALL of society judge you because of it, you cannot understand how I feel.

When I was in middle school we were getting off the bus when a friend asked me what I was doing after school. From behind me, my bully replied "eating." So just because I wasn't super tiny like the rest of the girls in my class, I went home and ate every night. Do you know what I actually did? I played outside with my friends. Rode my bike. Played man hunt. Some kickball. Hop scotch. Jump rope. That's what I did after school. Yet a lot of people assumed that when I went home I buried my face in a bucket of cheese balls. (Nope, that's just once a year at my 4th Day Retreat, thank you very much.)

I have been doing kickboxing and working out at least 3 times a week for about 9 months now. My father still thinks he would last longer in a class or on a jog than me. Just because I have some extra pounds. He doesn't say this cruelly, and maybe he's just in denial because he'll be knocking on 60 doors in a few years. I don't know, but why would he just assume?

For the same reason that kids picked on me when I was a kid. And it sticks with you. Maybe that's what it really comes down to...

When you, who are thin and gorgeous with "normal" body proportions, call yourself fat, it's just another way of picking on me. And you don't even know it. If you really do look fat, God, what must I look like?

I don't even want to think about it. I might resort to eating every day after work.

Alone Time: Naked

Literally.

Everyone should spend some time with themselves, alone and naked. Not masterbating. Well, not masterbating for at least the first half of the time. Sometimes it's hard because you are so very sexy.

Here is why I believe that every human being, specifically female human beings, even more specifically female human beings with any type of body image issues, should spend some time alone with their nude form:

Because it's beautiful. Yup, your body, with all the imperfections that you see has some beautiful things going on there.

This past week I had the house to myself which usually leads to a few things. One of those things is no pants day, another is peeing with the door open and yet another thing is that I do a lot more shit naked. Don't worry, curtains and blinds were always pulled.

But the more time I spent with myself naked, the more I actually enjoyed my body. Food baby and all. There are parts to my bode that are super sexy! Like the dimples on the bottom of my back. Or the place where my legs meet my butt. They're like "hey Butt, you're looking good! you been working out?"

And my butts like "Not too much, but we're getting back into it now. I can tell by that little dip in you, Thigh, that you've definitely been workin' it lately!"

See, doesn't that feel good? To look at your body and see all the amazing parts of it instead of the things that you hate? Trust me it does. It actually leads you to a place called Confidence. It's a pretty cool place to hang out, you should go there sometimes. It's good for the soul.

On a more serious note, checking out and becoming familiar with your body is important for health purposes. That way if anything ever feels or looks wonky you can nip it in the bud right away. And that can't be a bad thing.

The more comfortable you get with your naked body, the more comfortable you'll be with other people being around it. So, there's that. Lights don't always need to be out for sexy time. In fact, sometimes it's more fun if they're not. Browchicabrowncow!!!

So that's my little motivational blurb for the day. Take it or leave it. But you probably want to take it. Because after being alone with your sexy naked self, everything feels better. There's a peace. If that makes any sense. Give it a shot. And yes, be near a mirror. That's the whole point, silly!