Closure Is A Figment of No Ones Imagination

One person ruined my week. A stranger ruined my week.

But in two weeks I became so attached to someone that when they disappeared they ruined my week.

And I'm ok with that. I'm happy that I am still open enough that I can feel that much. And I hated last week. But not enough to hate him.

This morning I had a kind of epiphany. I'm going to stand up for my broken heart. And here's why.

I thought I was going crazy. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm psyczophrenic. I can't even spell it & I fear it. Lame.

So when I didn't hear from him, I seriously began to wonder if I was going mad.

But I had his socks. It was from this adorable moment at his place when he noticed my feet were cold so he went & got me some socks. And put them on my feet for me. It was sweet.

So last week I hated those socks. They sat clean on my bed, on my dresser, in my work bag, haunting me.

Saying "this is the piece of happy you thought you had but PSYCH!!!"

And I should have had a fun weekend, it was my best friends Bachelorette party. And I did. But in the back of my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to text him. Call him. Be near him. And one of my friends just started dating this new guy & I didn't expect her to not talk about him. But I couldn't stand it. She just got out of a long term relationship and she's already found someone new. When will it be my turn? Whens my happily ever after, for now?

By yesterday, a week since I heard from him, I was still crying. Still upset. Still wondering why & what the fuck. Still wanting to call him.

After weeks of talking every day, of being in what successfully played off as the beginning of a relationship, he checked out.

And left me with the hotel bill of emotions.

But this morning I woke up with a new sense of direction. I was pissed. I was tricked into liking this guy. I was fooled into falling hard. And this time I had the means & the opportunity to stand up for my heart.

I had his socks.

& the $20 he gave me for gas weeks ago.

So after work I went over to his house & when he opened the door I said "I would have called to tell you I was coming over but you're not answering my texts so I figured you wouldn't answer my phone calls."

He apologized. Of course. He was busted. He said he meant to call, he wanted to call, but didn't know what to say.

I said "there are a few things that you could have said. Some being

'I'm seeing someone else'
'I'm not looking for a relationship right now.'
Or
'I'm not interested in seeing you anymore.'

Just for starters."

He told me what happened last weekend. Or at least what he was willing to tell me. He told me that because of all that he is in no place for a relationship right now & that's what I deserve. I told him "you know what else I deserve? a phone call."

We debated. Maybe I looked like the crazy girl who shows up at the guy that she's only been seeing for two weeks house with a pair of socks. But you know what? I wasn't going crazy & his behavor made me think that I was. So it was not ok for him to just glide along. For once I stood up for myself & on a scale of one to Kelly Clarkson songs... I felt STRONGER.

And still. I told him to call me when he gets his shit together. I made no promises that I would be available (Because I'm awesome) but that I really wanted him to call.

He has not idea how amazing he is. Seriously. Because even after he treated me like shit, I'm not going to give up on him. And hopefully one day, he will call. Hopefuly one day, the stars will align. I said everything I wanted to say to him except one thing, that I think we're good for each other. I told him I was crazy about him. Told him I think he's a fool for passing this up. Hell, I even told him that he ruined my week. But I forgot to tell him that. So that one day, maybe, he'll know too. This is make me sound even more loco... anyway...

Meanwhile, there's a beautiful cast of actors rehearsing below me 6 days a week. And a gorgeous facilities manager to flirt with. And a life to live.

And maybe he just fed me a line of bullshit that I believed. But at least I know I'm not losing my mind.

And as far as the socks & $20 dollars go. He wanted me to keep them. He told me to keep the socks in my car in case I need them to keep my feet warm and the money for the gas I used coming out to see him. I said "I don't want your socks. Why would I want something hanging around reminding me of you if you aren't around."

He gave me an ultimatum. He would take the cash or the socks.

I gave him the socks.

Maybe

The thing that no one warns you about hope is that it leaves you more vulnerable than anything else ever could.

I know I haven't been around in a while & so you're all confused. All you have to know is that I was (am?) seeing someone. Was. I think it's was.

I have abandonment issues. Always have. Every guy I  have ever dated has decided overnight (one of them, literally) that they were no longer interested in seeing me. So now, just because I haven't heard from this guy in 3 days, I'm losing faith.

The dangerous thing about hope is that you keep it so close to your heart that when dissappointment sets in, it's worse than anything. And whatever we had, it was quick. I mean only 2 weeks, but it felt real. As real as anything I've ever felt anyway. I guess it felt like more than this.

And I'm picky as hell.

But there's no evidence, no trail as to why I'm left out in the cold. Maybe he's busy. Maybe I'm overreacting. & maybe if I didn't have the past experiences that I do I wouldn't care, but I do. I can't help that.

The dangerous thing about hope is that every time I give myself a little more, I'm brought down that much harder when it proves false. Every time I tell myself "no, he'll call me back." "he'll definitely text back." "maybe. maybe. maybe."

Those maybes suck.

I don't know what the hell could have happened on Saturday that made him realize this is over. It would be nice to know. I'd love to know.

Did I jinx it? I told like a whopping 3 people I was seeing someone. Did I ruin this?

The little piece of my heart that was falling for this guy is broken. And it's so hard to keep hoping. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe something happened and he's just not in the mood to talk to anyone. Maybe. Maybe... maybe.

Maybe he's the President of the United States. Maybe he has a space shuttle launch later.

If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you.

But hope. Hope is so dangerous. Because this person who is basically a stranger to me has me hoping. Has me being "that girl."

Closure is a figment of no one's imagination. It's one of the most real things. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe he realized it.

But overnight it happened again. And overnight I'm reminded why I'm so damn picky.

Maybe I'll feel like a psycho for this particular reaction. Maybe he'll call & have a explanation I'm happy with & I will be extremely embarassed about all of this.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Off the Wagon

I have fallen, so hardcore off the the diet wagon there are hardly words.

I had 3 weeks of really great work, lost like 5 or 6 lbs. Then it happened. I began to drink again.

So that's it. That's my defining factor of dieting. Annoying. Because life is life and I have fun when I drink. And I have a lot going on right now that's just a little bit more fun if I can have a cold one.

I need to figure out that delicate balance between drinking one day a week and being really good on my diet the rest of the time. And I need to get my ass back to the gym. BAD.

Here's why. Don't tell her, Bridget, but my bridesmaids dress doesn't fit. Oh sweet mother of God!!! There's like a 5 to 10 lb window that needs to become obsolete so that my dress closes in the back. If not then I'm going to be wearing my shawl for the church all day. And possibly flashing people my back fat.

AWKWARD.

Anyway, I've decided Tuesdays the day. I'm minding what I eat this week, but after Cinco de Mayo on Saturday & the first day with our new staff on Monday I'm going to get back to it until Bridge's Bachelorette Party. And after that it's BACK ON THE WAGON again.

Uggggghhh. Why couldn't I have just ordered the right damn size? I wont be complaining when I look damn hotter. But for now I'm complaining. So get over it.

and send me encouragement. and workout ideas. and salad stuff.

I need to start living by this statement, I saw it on Pinterest the other day.

Don't reward yourself with food. you're not a dog.

Sometimes, I just wish I were...

Meh. Meh meh meh. Meh.

I could spend this post talking about that TROLL Stanley but at the end of the day my uncle is right... those comments were coming straight from his mother's basement, probably while he masterbated to pictures of Justin Bieber. So I say we all move on.

And instead lets talk about the last two weekends which have been legend....waitforit....DARY!

Haha. Anyway. Last weekend I went down to Deleware to the wedding of one of my oldest friends Kristina. The wedding was beautiful & I actually ended up getting to practice my House Management skills as I was needed to fluff Kris' dress before she walked down the aisle, close the doors & seat late comers. Ahhhh a professionals work is never done.

Emily road down with me so I didn't have to drive the 2 & 1/2 hours alone which was good bc Sunday morning I was in no shape to drive at all ever again in the history of the world.

So of Friday when we got down there we decided to hit up the bar next door. Our bartender was a stunning example of the male species. He was gorgeous.

I realized I do this thing when I think some one is too good looking for me where I don't give a shit. I'm kind of like "Even if this person is into me, I will never believe that they are into me, so what the hell..." Plus I had my first beer in about 4 weeks so I was feeling loosy goosy. The even better thing is that I realized I have not lost my ability to read people, hard core.

I was like "Emily, I bet this guy is a serial monogomast." She was like "naaa he's in love with his best friend." So I asked him. Turned out he was both, but more of a serial monogomast than in love with his ex-gf. So We continued to chat. I continued to ask him questions about his life. Some personal, some not. And he answered ALL of them. So freely that Em was like "do you get these questions a lot?"

And Ray (that's his name, Ray, we go way back) was like "No never."

So he was off helping other patrons of the fine establishment and I made another bet, I doubled down that ALL his ex-es were tiny brunette girls. They were. I know because he showed us pictures of them on his cell phone.

I let him know this meant he still had feelings for them. He informed me that he didn't.

The best was when I go "Emily, I bet money that Ray (a Phillies fan) will know not only the year that the Mets last won the World Series, but the team."

When asked Ray responded. "1986 - That was a great year! An awesome Roster!" And began to list players by name.

Dear Ray, thanks for being awesome & putting up with my ridiculousness. You rock.

The wedding was the following day & we danced the night away, I drank way way way too much. Had a little bit too much fun. And lived life.

Sunday was a Buffalo Wild Wings in my belly type of day.

This past weekend was Bridget's Bridal Shower. The week was a bit stressful leading up to it so I am happy that it's done. Everyone was a big help and it was a big hit. But. But.

I drank for 14 hours.

Guests began to arrive, the room was decorated, the hall directors had taken over & I was drinking. It was ---- AWESOME!

The shower went off without a hitch & afterward we all went out for dinner and drinks. Ahh dinner.

The place was BYOB & it was Saturday so Kari & I went ahead to get a table. We didn't know we had to babysit them at the liquor store. They rolled up with one bottle of white, one bottle of red, a 6 pack of Coors Light & a Heinekin mini keg. There were 7 of us.

We kicked the keg. We kicked the 6 pack. Jules kicked the red & there was one glass of white left. We left it as part of our tip.

We. were. raging.

Later that night I met a cute guy and had a told "I don't want this night to end" night. We had a really good time. I was wasted, but I know I wanted him to call. I still do. I think I told him this. But if he doesn't, I know why.

It was definitely one of those situations where you're so comfortable with someone plus kind of really totally wasteface, so you're crazy honest. And I was. I was myself which meant blabbermouth magee up in here.

Today there was a missed call on my phone from a number I don't recognize. They didn't leave a message. I tried to call them back & it rang twice then told me the user had not set up a voicemail. I want to call again. Part of me doesn't understand why I can't. But everyone is telling me I shouldn't. To wait. And part of me knows that's true. I want the guy who wants to call me, again if I don't pick up the first time.

And it's not even that that is torturing me. It's not knowing if it was him. That is what is KILLLLLING ME!!!! haha.

Sweet baby Jesus I HATE being this girl. I'm rarely this girl.

The worst part.

He was a fantastic f***ing kisser.

Well Here We Are...

I deal with the most amazing people at work. At both ends of the spectrum.

My supervisor might be the best person ever to work for. Let's reflect on how invested/upset I have gotten at my past jobs.

At the Olive Garden people always knew where to find me because I'd be crying in the back side station. Thanks to my oh so lovely and kind General Manager. He was a douche.

At the Weather Vane clothing stores people would snap and wave me over to the dressing room. One time I just waved back and walked away. Probably punched something.

At the video store the boys would always leave the porn movies for me to put away. It made 18 year old me very uncomfortable.

At Chevys, well I worked at Chevys. So I cried about that and bc people were bitches when it came to their crappy Mexican food. Much like they became bitches when it came to their crappy Italian. Yeah, probably tears.

The hotel was just a total crap shoot.

It got to the point that I honestly believed that I didn't actually work somewhere until I had cried there.

And now every day I deal with people who have nothing else to do but complain about whatever. Seriously though, I think that people sit at home and say "I'm bored, I'm going to call STNJ and bitch about my tickets / ask when I'm getting my tickets / try to buy tickets that aren't available yet / be rude to people / ask questions but keep talking instead of listening to the answer / just all around suck."

But now I can deal with all that. It effects me for a bit and then I begin to practice my  new mantra for life... Care Less.

I've learned this mantra from one of my absolute new favorite people. This man:

This is my supervisor.

We work. We get our shit done. We kiss patron tuchus. We sell the shit out of shit.

Then we recreate 80's music videos and practice our chair dancing. We're expert chair dancers.

I know this bc the bartender at the Famished Frog told me so when I busted out my moves. Then he offered to turn up the jams for me... he loved me.

Now if you'll excuse me I must get back to chair dancing rehearsal. It's Aqua time.

Dating Dating Everwhere, but not a drop to drink.

I have been on A LOT of bad/awkward first dates.

A LOT.

But last night takes the cake.

It started fine. Chit chat. Conversation. All that good stuff that you have to weigh through the first time you meet anyone.

Then it just got strange. She kept "busting my balls" about shit but when I would give it back she kept saying "you're so mean!"

Here's a little note, on a first date, don't call someone mean 1,000 times. It doesn't make for a good start.

We moved the conversation onto tattoos. I was telling her about the next one that I want to get but how I'm not sure where I want to get it. She was giving me all these options and one of them was my upper arm. I said "naa sleeves aren't for me & I don't like my upper arms so I wouldn't want to draw any more attention to them." and she goes "why don't you like your upper arms? You can work out & fix that." to which I replied. "We all have our insecurities."  When I was really thinking "Gee thanks for walking me through that, because I've tried & have you heard of Kenny Chesney?" Rude.

Then finally we got down to it. She asks me who I'm more attracted to men or woman. I said it's kind of a toss up. Because it is. There are some men that I find more attractive than some woman & vice versa. And at this point, I'm finding Joe Schmoe with 300 extra pounds and a drool across the bar more attractive than you. Then she flat out says "I have issues with bisexual girls." Really? do tell. She goes on to tell me how ALL the bisexual girls she's dated have tried to get her to bring men back to the bed room. When I informed her that she just dated crappy girls bc in a year and half I never would have thought to ask my lesbian gf if we can bring a dude back home! Then she got defensive & all "I'm just telling you about my experience!"

Well let me tell you about my experience tonight. I've been called mean, numerous times. I've had my sexuality attacked. I've been told I should define myself differently because you think "pansexual" is a better than bisexual. And best of all was when I was told that all bisexual woman will choose to end up with a man because it's the "easy way out". I should have shaken her hand and said good night right then. Oh and to my lesbian friends, apparently you all feel this way. At least that was what I was told last night. That you ALL dislike and distrust bisexuals. Just a heads up on the new rumor starting about you, besides all the other fun ones.

Listen. Listen. I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm going to end up with whoever makes me happy. Whoever makes me laugh. Whoever doesn't make me cry when we get home from our first date. I just met you, how dare you judge me and make assumptions about the kind of person I am?

I'll tell you who I wont be ending up with. You.

And no, I wont respond to your text saying "I hope you had at least some fun last night. hehe." bc if I do it will say "Yes between having my sexuality questioned by a stranger & being called mean I did have an iota of fun. It just happened to be when I was singing karaoke a good 15 feet away from you though.hehe."

If I don't have to defend myself to my family & friends, why would I ever even feel remotely moved to defend myself to you.

And no I don't think we can be friends. I'm only friends with open minded folk. So f*** off.

MERP

It's quiet around my house this morning. My parents won some raffle & stayed in some houghty toughty hotel last night & my sisters still asleep. Even my dog seems to be ignoring me.

And I'm ok with all of that.

I think I needed some quiet.

I've been so wrapped up in some things these last few weeks that it feels like my brain is a bit weighed down. Not in a bad way, but in a "I can't stop thinking about this" way.

You guessed it. The Hunger Games. Catching Fire. MockingJay.

I know I've been over it one hundred million fafillion times but I get SO invested in these books. I know it's crazy. But I love escaping. I love hanging out with imaginary characters. I love going on their adventures with them.

I guess I wish I could just write my own adventure. I have the stories in my head & I know how long they can take to write & I know it's important to be ready to really write them. But I just know they will be so good. I just have to get there.

I think that I love THG so much because it gives me a girl with a million flaws but who has people who love her. And the whole idea of someone being brainwashed to hate you but still loving you deep inside just makes me week at the knees. Because sometimes love isn't enough, but usually it is.

What a geeky post. I am a fricken geek. But all of you knew that already, didn'tcha?