Closure Is A Figment of No Ones Imagination

One person ruined my week. A stranger ruined my week.

But in two weeks I became so attached to someone that when they disappeared they ruined my week.

And I'm ok with that. I'm happy that I am still open enough that I can feel that much. And I hated last week. But not enough to hate him.

This morning I had a kind of epiphany. I'm going to stand up for my broken heart. And here's why.

I thought I was going crazy. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm psyczophrenic. I can't even spell it & I fear it. Lame.

So when I didn't hear from him, I seriously began to wonder if I was going mad.

But I had his socks. It was from this adorable moment at his place when he noticed my feet were cold so he went & got me some socks. And put them on my feet for me. It was sweet.

So last week I hated those socks. They sat clean on my bed, on my dresser, in my work bag, haunting me.

Saying "this is the piece of happy you thought you had but PSYCH!!!"

And I should have had a fun weekend, it was my best friends Bachelorette party. And I did. But in the back of my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to text him. Call him. Be near him. And one of my friends just started dating this new guy & I didn't expect her to not talk about him. But I couldn't stand it. She just got out of a long term relationship and she's already found someone new. When will it be my turn? Whens my happily ever after, for now?

By yesterday, a week since I heard from him, I was still crying. Still upset. Still wondering why & what the fuck. Still wanting to call him.

After weeks of talking every day, of being in what successfully played off as the beginning of a relationship, he checked out.

And left me with the hotel bill of emotions.

But this morning I woke up with a new sense of direction. I was pissed. I was tricked into liking this guy. I was fooled into falling hard. And this time I had the means & the opportunity to stand up for my heart.

I had his socks.

& the $20 he gave me for gas weeks ago.

So after work I went over to his house & when he opened the door I said "I would have called to tell you I was coming over but you're not answering my texts so I figured you wouldn't answer my phone calls."

He apologized. Of course. He was busted. He said he meant to call, he wanted to call, but didn't know what to say.

I said "there are a few things that you could have said. Some being

'I'm seeing someone else'
'I'm not looking for a relationship right now.'
Or
'I'm not interested in seeing you anymore.'

Just for starters."

He told me what happened last weekend. Or at least what he was willing to tell me. He told me that because of all that he is in no place for a relationship right now & that's what I deserve. I told him "you know what else I deserve? a phone call."

We debated. Maybe I looked like the crazy girl who shows up at the guy that she's only been seeing for two weeks house with a pair of socks. But you know what? I wasn't going crazy & his behavor made me think that I was. So it was not ok for him to just glide along. For once I stood up for myself & on a scale of one to Kelly Clarkson songs... I felt STRONGER.

And still. I told him to call me when he gets his shit together. I made no promises that I would be available (Because I'm awesome) but that I really wanted him to call.

He has not idea how amazing he is. Seriously. Because even after he treated me like shit, I'm not going to give up on him. And hopefully one day, he will call. Hopefuly one day, the stars will align. I said everything I wanted to say to him except one thing, that I think we're good for each other. I told him I was crazy about him. Told him I think he's a fool for passing this up. Hell, I even told him that he ruined my week. But I forgot to tell him that. So that one day, maybe, he'll know too. This is make me sound even more loco... anyway...

Meanwhile, there's a beautiful cast of actors rehearsing below me 6 days a week. And a gorgeous facilities manager to flirt with. And a life to live.

And maybe he just fed me a line of bullshit that I believed. But at least I know I'm not losing my mind.

And as far as the socks & $20 dollars go. He wanted me to keep them. He told me to keep the socks in my car in case I need them to keep my feet warm and the money for the gas I used coming out to see him. I said "I don't want your socks. Why would I want something hanging around reminding me of you if you aren't around."

He gave me an ultimatum. He would take the cash or the socks.

I gave him the socks.