Catching Fire Review (Spoiler: My Socks Were Rocked)

I've given a few days to let get my second viewing in and to process everything. Also, cause I'm a good person, I gave it a few days so that you all can get your Catching Fire fill and I wont be spoiling anything. With that being said, spoiler alert.

The best way to describe how I feel in my core about this movie is that when I was trying to plan out my pee breaks for my second viewing I couldn't figure out where to take them. Because I wanted to see the whole thing from start to finish with my eyeballs again.

Anyway, I've decided that the best way to review Catching Fire, is by writing love letters to the cast. In doing so, I think you'll get my feelings on the movie.

Disclaimer: If I don't mention an actor, it doesn't mean that I don't like them, or hate them, or wish sexually transmitted diseases on them, it just means that their portrayal was everything I had anticipated and have no more to say. So, lay off, Liam Hemsworth was a good Gale, I just don't have anything more to say about it. Sorry I'm not sorry.

Stanley Tucci, you sexy Italian God. How you manage to still make me want to rip your clothes off with purple hair and ginormous teeth I will never know. Somehow you just built on your fabulousity from the first film, making Caesar even more lovable. Really, he represents everything we should hate about the Capital, specifically the glorification of the games, but somehow we just love him. And you gave me everything I wanted from the books. Especially the moment where his demeanor begins to come unraveled, so subtle, so perfect.

Woody Harrelson, you're a sneaky mother f***er. You sneak inside my heart, just like Haymitch does, and then you set up your tent and camp out like a Black Friday shopper. Well done sir, well done.

Elizabeth Banks, just stop. Stop being the perfect embodiment of everything I love to hate. Stop being Effie Trinket in every way, shape or form. Stop pulling off ridiculous dresses, hair styles and makeup applications with such poise that it makes me think I can wear it to the diner for my church meeting. Stop showing us, with your perfection, that even Effie, born and raised in the Capital, can change and has changed and hurts for what is happening. That Effie has finally seen what the Games do to the other Districts. You do all that, with your few lines of regret. You're brilliant. So just stop, ok, you make it hard for the other's to keep up.

Jack Quaid, way to die, again. Bravo. Did you have to scare off all those turkeys though? Rude.

Jena Malone. COME ONNNN!! Come on!! Could you be any luckier? Johanna isn't the easiest character to play, she's got so many layers that she's like an parfait, but good God is she fun! And you nailed the shit out of it. Seriously. Your elevator introduction may be the best thing that ever happened in the history of film, don't tell The Tree of Life or The Life of Pi or any of those other films that exist to be poignant. Your entrance was poignant, because it showed a woman who had taken her power back and knew how to get what she wanted. Most people are terrified of her, so thanks for making her awesome.

Seneca Crane's Beard, lookin' good buddy! Bravo.

Sam Claflin when you were cast last year I was excited, but I had a few friends that were a little hesitant and I told them all the same thing. That when casting Finnick it couldn't just be about looks (which, may I say, bravo to mom & dad Claflin) but it had to be about acting ability. And you hit that sh*t out of the park! (Oh, I'm sorry, that's a baseball reference, it means... home run! so basically it means good job) You gave us small moments of Finnick's pain and glimpses into his life that made me so very excited for your performance in Mockingjay. I cannot wait to see all that you'll bring to the movie. Thanks. To you, I say, Thank you.

Jennifer Lawrence can we just be best friends? I know you have the whole world vying to talk about Thor with you and marathon Firefly over a bucket of popcorn / fried chicken but I really mean it. Also, let just talk about how you bring Katniss to life for me in a way that I never anticipated. Because the novel is written in first person, there are human aspects to Katniss that we miss because she doesn't see them. You do not miss them, you embrace them. You make Katniss more human and more beautiful than I could have dream. So, thanks to you. Call me.

Josh Hutcherson, listen Josh, I don't know where to start with this. Beside quotes from you about being most excited in life to settle down and have a family, besides the fact that you're a gay rights activist, besides your ballin' sense of humor, you're not too hard to look at either. So since you're like 9 years my junior, could you stop making my body feel things? Then as if real life you isn't awesome enough, you step into Peeta as if he's your favorite pair of jeans. Like the part was made for you. There were times in this film where I actually thought "how is he acting because that was just..." and then the thoughts cut out because you were Peeta. You embodied Peeta in District 11, finally being broken of your Baker's Boy naivety. You broke my heart when Snow announced that Katniss was going back into the arena, and you couldn't get your head around your heartbreak. Little moments. Ugh.

Enjoying The View

Wow. It has been far too long since I posted on this piece. My apologies. I've noticed that the more pathetic my life actually is, the less I actually write on my blog. That, my friends, is a little thing called irony.

Anyway I had a pretty amazing start to my birthday week. Yup, you heard it here first (or one thousandth, whatever) this upcoming Sunday I turn the big 3-0. I wasn't really having an existential crisis over this big birthday until a few weeks ago, but then I was like "holy sh*tballs I'm going to be a 30 year old who doesn't have their life together one iota." But I quickly realized something else.

My career and love life may be balls to the walls but I have hit it out of the park as far as the people in my life are concerned. My best friend and my parents are throwing me a birthday party this Saturday night. I get to know when it is, but that's it, so it's kind of a surprise party, which is kind of fun. Friends are coming up from WV and who knows where else, just for my birthday. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I may not have it all together but I'm definitely surrounded by the best people while I try to figure it all out.

My friend Kari is unable to make it because she's running the Disney Half Marathon this weekend (No Big Deal) so she asked me to come in to her work on Tuesday. Kari's work isn't just any old thang, she works for The View, and this past Tuesday the one and only Kathy Griffin was the guest. I mean, come on. I want to BE her when I grow up! So my mom and I went in and the following is a true account of our supercalafragelisticexpyaladotious morning.

7:14 AM: Train to NYC.
8:18 AM: Taxi to ABC Studios
8:31 AM: Mom and I befriend a man who was either homeless or an employee for ABC. We may never know.
8:55 AM: We head inside, VIP style.
9:43 AM: Kari comes and collects us from the line, saving us from having to stand near the most obnoxious man in the history of Obnoxia.
9:47 AM: Kari tells me to be cool because we're walking past the dressing rooms.
10:08 AM: Peta Murgatroyd from Dancing with the Stars pops into the green room to grab an apple. Because I follow her on all of the social media, I think we're besties and immediately smile very large and say hi. She leaves. No because I say hi, just because she has sh*t to do. She actually said hi back very nicely before skedaddling. I turned to Kari and ask if that was ok. She says yes. I then get very excited because if Peta is here, that means Brant Dougherty is here, which means that two of the most attractive people on the face of the planet are within yelling distance of myself. I do not yell.
10:45 AM: Kari proclaims it's the to head up to the studio.
10:46 AM: As we are waiting for the elevator Kari says that she was hopeful that Kathy would arrive early so that I could meet her, but no luck. Or luck? The elevator dings and there is the fabulous Ms. Griffin with her entourage who STILL has time to say hi to us. She may have just been being nice, because I'm pretty sure my jaw was on the floor. She's seriously one of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. You  know I love a ginger.
10:47 AM: Kari asks why I didn't tell her that I loved her, I tell Kari I was trying to "be cool."
10:49 AM: We get some amazing seats. Seriously, we might as well have been sitting with Sherri, Jenny, Barbara and Brad. (Whoopi was out so Brad Garrett was stepping in as co-host. He's a funny bastard).
11:00 AM: The show begins and it's an awesome amazing capital time. (Yes I'm aware that is redundant but it's true.) At some point the hype guy / comedian asks me if I have a question for Kathy, which I'm dumbfounded at because I'm in love with her. So I'm the blubbering idiot who's all "Ummm, errrr... does she need an assistant? Does Tiffany?" He gives me the look that means "I'm not asking her that." so I ask if she'll sign my book and he said he would try.
12:00 PM: The show ends and Kari comes back to pick us up. I felt like a preschooler but a really cool preschooler.
12:04 PM: We hit the elevator. We get out of the elevator. There is Kathy again. We're destined to meet like this, two ships passing in the sea. I tell her I love you. She says thank you. Kari tells her I'm her biggest fan, but alas it was not meant to be as Kath had to get to David Letterman & the elevator doors close. (Yeah, I call her Kath now, we're that close).
12:07 PM: We're back up stairs on the magical floor with the dressing rooms & the green room. I run to the bathroom I see Brant, I see Brad, I see Peta, I see Barbara. I mean basically we're like a pretty small gang now.
12:10 PM: Kari returns with my book, signed by the divine Ms. Griffin. Yes, to me, she is divine.

12:11 PM: Birthday week on it's way to being one of the best ever!
12:14 PM: As we leave I hear Barbara Walters asking if anyone knows where her car is. "Wherw is my caw?"
12:16 PM: We get to the elevator to find Brant & Peta waiting patiently. Kari tells them she's bummed they got kicked off. They say they are too. Then I say "I might have cried." and Brant looks right in my eyeballs, directly into my soul & says "I might have cried too." (side note: we might be pregnant). We carried on our chat about how it's to that point in the season where it's no longer talent that keeps people on the show and how disappointing that is.
12:18 PM: Barbra Walters shows up, rockin' a totally amazing coat.
12:20 PM: We ride the elevator with Brant, Peta and Barbra and I try to "be cool" by asking Kari about Bridget's profile picture. Lame party of 1.
12:22 PM: We say goodbye to Kari and thank her for an incredible morning.
12:30 PM: I call my boyfriend Bob and don't take a breath for about 5 minutes while I tell him about my morning. He asks me a work related question. We say goodbye.
1:00 PM: Mom and I get lunch then head back home on the train.


I mean, this is an awesome way to start your birthday week. At least I think so. End scene.

This is Why it Bothers me When you Call yourself "Fat"

It's come to my attention that people may not understand why it is that "overweight" people get so bent out of shape when someone who is fit, or for all intents and purposes, thin, starts talking about their weight.

I would like to preempt this by saying that I am well aware that everyone has their own insecurities, everyone is their own worst critic and everyone has their own weight that they are comfortable at. All things I fully understand. But just don't talk about things regarding your weight in front of me.

Here's why.

When my thin friends start calling themselves fat, or saying how big their stomach is, or look at a picture of themselves and say 'God I look huge' what I hear is "Janice, you're disgusting."

I am well aware that this does not make very much sense. Let me try to break it down a little more.

You don't have 2 kind of big stomach rolls when you sit down, your tummy is pretty much flat.
You don't have to worry about bringing a sweater because your embarrassed by your arm flub.
You can wear shorts.
You can leave a store without trying something on to make sure it fits properly, because it will.

So when you say that you think that you look gross, I can't help but wonder, I can't help but feel like, you must be completely disgusted by me.

Logically I know this is my own insecurities, but it's a gut reaction. An automatic reaction. If my skinny, beautiful, can eat whatever she wants friend thinks that she looks bad in that photo, then what must I look like to her? What must I look like to everyone else here? Standing next to this beauty and she looks awful? I must look like the Jaba the Hut!

I'm not trying to say that anyone's insecurities are more important than others. But if you've never been overweight and had ALL of society judge you because of it, you cannot understand how I feel.

When I was in middle school we were getting off the bus when a friend asked me what I was doing after school. From behind me, my bully replied "eating." So just because I wasn't super tiny like the rest of the girls in my class, I went home and ate every night. Do you know what I actually did? I played outside with my friends. Rode my bike. Played man hunt. Some kickball. Hop scotch. Jump rope. That's what I did after school. Yet a lot of people assumed that when I went home I buried my face in a bucket of cheese balls. (Nope, that's just once a year at my 4th Day Retreat, thank you very much.)

I have been doing kickboxing and working out at least 3 times a week for about 9 months now. My father still thinks he would last longer in a class or on a jog than me. Just because I have some extra pounds. He doesn't say this cruelly, and maybe he's just in denial because he'll be knocking on 60 doors in a few years. I don't know, but why would he just assume?

For the same reason that kids picked on me when I was a kid. And it sticks with you. Maybe that's what it really comes down to...

When you, who are thin and gorgeous with "normal" body proportions, call yourself fat, it's just another way of picking on me. And you don't even know it. If you really do look fat, God, what must I look like?

I don't even want to think about it. I might resort to eating every day after work.

Alone Time: Naked

Literally.

Everyone should spend some time with themselves, alone and naked. Not masterbating. Well, not masterbating for at least the first half of the time. Sometimes it's hard because you are so very sexy.

Here is why I believe that every human being, specifically female human beings, even more specifically female human beings with any type of body image issues, should spend some time alone with their nude form:

Because it's beautiful. Yup, your body, with all the imperfections that you see has some beautiful things going on there.

This past week I had the house to myself which usually leads to a few things. One of those things is no pants day, another is peeing with the door open and yet another thing is that I do a lot more shit naked. Don't worry, curtains and blinds were always pulled.

But the more time I spent with myself naked, the more I actually enjoyed my body. Food baby and all. There are parts to my bode that are super sexy! Like the dimples on the bottom of my back. Or the place where my legs meet my butt. They're like "hey Butt, you're looking good! you been working out?"

And my butts like "Not too much, but we're getting back into it now. I can tell by that little dip in you, Thigh, that you've definitely been workin' it lately!"

See, doesn't that feel good? To look at your body and see all the amazing parts of it instead of the things that you hate? Trust me it does. It actually leads you to a place called Confidence. It's a pretty cool place to hang out, you should go there sometimes. It's good for the soul.

On a more serious note, checking out and becoming familiar with your body is important for health purposes. That way if anything ever feels or looks wonky you can nip it in the bud right away. And that can't be a bad thing.

The more comfortable you get with your naked body, the more comfortable you'll be with other people being around it. So, there's that. Lights don't always need to be out for sexy time. In fact, sometimes it's more fun if they're not. Browchicabrowncow!!!

So that's my little motivational blurb for the day. Take it or leave it. But you probably want to take it. Because after being alone with your sexy naked self, everything feels better. There's a peace. If that makes any sense. Give it a shot. And yes, be near a mirror. That's the whole point, silly! 

I May Have had a Worse Week Than You, Click & See

Unless you cleaned up human fecal matter last night, I win.

Yeah I don't think I even need to go over the other crappy parts of my week. I'm pretty sure I win with cleaning up adult diarrhea.

I kind of knew it was coming. It happens at least once a season. Our patrons are all on the tail end of the life spectrum. So some of them have issues. And I feel for them. I really do. That must be awful. I'm not sure if I'll leave the house if I ever get to the point where I can't hold my shit in my butt anymore.

But damn. Damn. I do not get paid enough to clean up someone's poop. I'm sorry. That's just the plain and simple truth of the matter. Even the person's who's job it is to clean this space does not get paid enough to clean up human fecal matter.

Especially when, apparently, this individual felt an "attack" coming on and ran down the stairs to the bathroom, leaving a trail behind.

Yes. You read that correctly.

I could follow the poop crumbs to the bathroom stall where I was completely traumatized. I babysit children, I've wiped a lot of butts, but this was traumatic. I may need to go to meetings. Poop Cleaners Anonymous.

The volunteers offered to help. But they were all interns and apprentices and I could only imagine how well that would go over with the parents who paid for this program. "So I paid $$$ for this program and  you're cleaning up shit? Sue sue sue sue sue!"

So here I am, gloves, bleach spray, paper towels and garbage bag. Cleaning up human poop. Following trail, picking little pellets off the carpet. Scrubbing it out of the carpet in places.

When I worked for JBJ I had to scrub child pizza vomit out of carpet.

This. Was. Worse. I literally went catatonic at one point. Just staring. As the information was leaving the mouth of the volunteer, traveling through the air and entering my ears that someone had exploded in the men's room, my brain turned off.

Please don't think that I don't have sympathy for this man, who left the theatre in embarrassment, apologizing for what happened. I do. That must be humiliating. And I get not wanting to stick around when you are unable to help clean it up.

But what is truly humbling, is cleaning up that mess. And the truth is, I don't need to be humbled.

I know what I am. I know where my life is at. I get it. My blog isn't named Fabulous is the New Black. Not yet anyway.

I gotta do something. I gotta get out. I just want to go.

go.
go. go.

go.

away.

I think the summer does that to me. The summer and cleaning up human excrement.


Cowboy take me away.
Fly this girl as high as you can into the wild blue...

New Gyms are like New Relationships, only better.

Today I finally had a good great excellent amazing sign me up for more day at my new gym. I changed gyms not because my old gym and I had a falling out or anything, but just like with any relationship, my new gym had so much more to offer me and for only $10 bucks more per month.

So far this month I've only used the machines in the big work out room. But today I said, "Janice, you're going to use one of the reason you changed gyms today. So either Zumba at 9:30 AM or the pool. Make a choice." And since I didn't get home form work until midnight last  night, I opted for the non alarm setting option.

It was awesome. I did 15 laps, which is kind of ballin' since I haven't been in a pool for physical fitness purposes since Glasgow. Then I literally took 5 minutes deciding whether or not I wanted to climb out of the pool.

Some back story: I've never been able to climb out of pool gracefully like the other kids.

Ok, not a huge "story" there per say but there it is. When I tried back when I was a kid I could never ever do it and not look like a total tub. There were times I tried and either failed or times when (and I still have these horrific images of this happening) my friends would push me out of the pool by shoving my butt. Ugh. That's a life flashbacks I never needed to have.

So here I am, 29 years old, standing in the shallow end of the pool, deciding whether or not I want to potentially make a fool out of myself in front of a mother, her two children, 2 girls who teach swim lessons, one woman who was doing laps and was in no way paying any attention to me and the life guard. Literally. 5 minutes of me sitting there, playing with grate at the edge of the pool.

Finally I just went for it. And I did it. 13 year old Janice pats you on the back 29 year old Janice. Bravo.

Next goal? Do 30 consecutive laps & climb out of the pool on the deep end. Here we go.

I Guess I'm Not So Boring After All

I had big plans today. HUGE! Those plans included, but were not limited to, staying in bed and watching movies all day and then at some point cleaning the golf club.

But I wake up to a beautiful day and suddenly that's not an option! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just let myself have a nice lazy day?

Suddenly my day has transferred into cleaning my room, possibly painting a shelf, getting to the golf club, maybe going shoe shopping annnnnd working out.

Now I'm not saying that it's a bad thing that I don't have it in me to sit still. I'm just saying it's weird. It's very unlike me. It's... freakay.

I guess it's really not THAT unlike me. I mean the only times I really am OK with not moving off my bed is when I'm hungover. And since I'm not that I find it difficult to stay still. Oh yeah and I'm off the alcohol right now until camping at the end of the month. It's just for the best.

Ugh. I guess not being lazy is not something to complain about. Maybe I'm just searching for something to blog about. It has been a while since I've written anything.

Catch up?

The season opened at the theatre.
Gregor came to visit and it was awesome. It's just nice to catch up like no time has passed.
Because Gregor came this week was cray at work.
I tried a 7 day Shakeology challenge week where you replace one meal a day with a shake and eat healthy the other three meals. If it was just that I would have done lovely but I also wasn't allowed to coffee. COFFEE!!! Or any type of caffeine. I lasted 2 days. Turns out it's an addiction. Who knew?

Nothing else is super new. I'm rather boring. And right now, I'm ok with that...

As I was typing how boring I am, I was watching that MTV show Girl Code and they were discussing the lady doctor. I literally slammed my computer shut, leaped out of bed & screamed "I HAVE A DOCTORS APPOINTMENT IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!" I threw some pants on, grabbed a sports bra, gave myself a baby wipe shower & peaced!

I was there within 15 minutes, trying to play it cooooool. I'm sorry I'm late I've been running errands all morning... why no I didn't just get out of bed. That's cRaaaaaaZY!

I guess I'm not so boring after all.

Body Image is for the Birds

I am slowly (very slowly some may say) realizing something things. 

If you follow my blog on a regular bases you're probably about to go "DUH! Ya IDIOT!" but I'm still getting there...

My body is beautiful. Period. 

There's no "but I have roles when I sit." or "look at this muffin top." or "but my arms do this wiggly thing."

My body is beautiful.

There should not be a stigma on weight. Ever. There are some people in this world who are over weight and that it affects their life and they are unhappy. Those people, in order to get happier, need to reevaluate. But that's not for me to decide. 

I am on a mission to get fitter and stronger and healthier. But I've said it before & I'll say it again...

I will NOT starve myself any longer. I refuse. I will not count calories or stare longingly at a cookie from across the room (I love you.)

This did not make me happier. This did not improve my life.

Yes when I was very fit at the end of last summer I enjoyed the attention. I liked being told how good I looked. But beyond that, I was starving! Oh sweet baby Jesus was I hungry.

I don't want to have to put myself through that ever again.

So I will eat according to me. Some days that will be a delicious salad. Some days a delicious burger. 

But I will also always be active. I will not be happy if I get heavier than I am now. And if I continue my free range diet without working out, than I will not be happier. 

There are a few things lately that have been leading up to this. Tonight this blog has really opened my eyes. I've always thought that I was single for 2 reasons:

1. Because I was picky.

2. Because I like a hottie & "hotties don't like fat girls." At least that's what I told myself.

sad. sad. sad.

How could anyone else want to have sex with me if I didn't even want to have sex with me? I gotta work on that.

I'm slowly digging through the roots of all my awful body image & I think I've found it's source. I wont share it because it could be hurtful to someone I care about, but now that I know that the things this person projected on me were only their own issues and really had nothing to do with me, I'll be able to work more on me. 

You're probably so over me talking about this. I am too. Let's talk about something else...

I'm still kickboxing and I just joined Golds Gym. Breaking up with Planet Fitness was hard but there were minimal tears. Maybe that's because I didn't do it on time & he was able to snag a final $39.99 in yearly fees out of me. Wee devil. But my new gym is just $10 more and they have classes and a pool. I am simply ready to concentrate on myself and my fitness. 

I guess that really wasn't a change of subject was it. Any who how. Is there anyone even out there reading this? Or are you all out on the town living the dream. Lucky. 

I'm a Little Drunk Right Now But...

This weekend was extremely successful. I have removed 2 garbage bags full of clothing that I haven't worn in foreverscape and cleaned out some other random stuff. I haven't vacuumed my room yet, but hey listen, we aren't all perfect. It was extremely therapeutic.

I've been thinking a bit about about something my friend said regarding my getting over of He Who Must Not Be Named. It's been a ridiculous road. Because I definitely took longer than the normal lady to get over him.

But the person who sad this to me has a remarkable record of finding someone else shortly after breaking up with their last lover. And I'm not saying that's good or bad, I'm just saying it it's a proven record in their personal history.

So I've just been wonder about that. What is the right amount of time to get over someone? How long does it take?

Because for me it took months. I am well aware how long it took me. And thank you to all my friends who put up with that because it was gross.

I guess I've logic-ed it down to it just being that each person is different. But how can that be. I've had friends who have gotten over someone in a matter of weeks but it takes me months? That just doesn't seem entirely right. But I guess I'm just looking for an opinion.

Opinions out there! Hello! Cause I can't figure it out. Why am I such a hot attached mess while my friends are moving on with their lives? Thoughts? Concerns? Comments? ...Help?

In other news.

Tequila. Who new?

I Have a Confession to Make

My plans for this weekend are outrageous. You're probably going to be jealous. So hold on to your fanny packs...

These are my big, huge, monumental, totally exciting plans:
(and the funny thing is I mean every word of that.)

Friday night I have awesome plans that include but are not limited to the following.

• I'm going to hit up the gym on the way home, finally get back into The Host (side note: I don't know how the same woman that wrote Twilight wrote this book because shits good!)
• Then I'm going to get home, sing some Disney songs in the shower, throw some clothes in the laundry and climb into bed. Where...
•  I will watch Silver Linings Playbook, possibly followed by Gangster Squad (which I bought without ever seeing because the chemistry between Emma & Ryan is something that cannot be denied even if you think the movie is bad. I want them in every movie ever made by any person, take note Hollywood. Yes put them into The Grinch. While you're at it, I think they were missing from Lincoln. Also they should voice the next Disney & Pixar couple, STAT!)

Saturday will be a fun day of spring cleaning, mixed it with some more intense relaxing if I can find the time.

• Time to do the Big Clothing Exchange from Winter to Summer wear!!! (I feel like The Price is Right theme should be playing there) I will also be doing "the purge" of those items that I do not wear. I would say that's roughly 78% of the items in my wardrobe. Can I please get some prayers that when I go through my clothes that I really purge them. Instead of holding it up and going "Oh gee, I dunno, what if?" God I'm so lame.
• EthanRayne (my Ford Escape) desperately needs a bath. I know the pollen will probably just attack again, but her insides are gross as well and if I'm going to do the insides that I might as well do the outsides. Ok lets be honest, this may be a job for professionals. I may end up taking her to the car wash. (If "WORKING AT THE CARWASH! WOO OOO WOO OOO WOOO YEAH!!!" did not immediately pop into your head, than welcome my youthful reader!)
• I then will give myself a pedicure. Maybe take a bath to round out the experience. I bought a groupon for a bunch of spa-like stuff and could just do that but I've come to the realization that if I leave my house on Saturday before the above tasks has been concluded they may never get done. 
• At some point in this day I may catch a movie with with my faithful friend Bridget but as stated above, I am slightly worried that if I leave at all I will not complete any of the above tasks.
• Finally, I intend on finishing or at least making some headway further into The Host. I'm really enjoying it but I literally put it down over a month ago, halfway through and haven't had time to pick it up. Hey, there's been a lot of good TV happening.

Sunday is a little up in the air, here are two solid happenings.

• Church in the AM.
• Emily's Birthday Tea in the afternoon. 
• Beyond that I'm pretty open to reading and maybe catching up on Revolution (which I've been the worst fan of... sorry!)

I'm sure the majority of you read that and thought "Damn that is a productive weekend, how does this girl not have anything to do, how LAME is this HO?!" and I can honestly tell you this is the very first weekend that I have had NOTHING on the agenda beyond figuring out my life and spring cleaning. Ok, I may be exaggerating the "figuring out my life" notion. Really? ha. how boring would that be. To know what's next? How ridiculous... sigh. 

But I really am excited for this weekend of nothing to do but stuff around the house. I need it. Like need it, need it.

Oh and I'm going to sleep the shit out of my bed. Like sleep in all the way to 9 AM. Maybe 10 AM if I'm feeling really crazy. Woah. Get off the party train, wouldya? 

Prayers & Self Control

Lately I've realized that my self control is running on empty. If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie. And I fricken LOOOOVE that cookie. I need to fill this tank up, stat.

I think that all goes hand in hand with where I am emotionally in my life and something has kind of come to mind. When I feel like my life is spiralling out of control I do much better with my working out and my eating. This is because I know this is the one thing I can control. I can control what I eat and I can control when I work out.

But that knowledge does not help me when I'm happy with life. So frustrating. I know what I need to do but I just need to do it. So. Gross.

In other news, I've been meaning to start doing one post a week as a prayer. Kind of checking in with the Big Man all while letting you all in on the craziness that is my mind. You lucky ducks. I thought Sunday would be a good day but I'm usually busy on Sundays. Then thought "Monday, perfect way to shove off into a new week. Ahoy mateeees!" but then I kept forgetting to do it on Monday too. Anyway I've decided to just kick off today's post with a little something something to my Best Friend upstairs.



God, 

How's it going? Ehh I'm alright. Less about me, more about you. 

I guess I just want to thank you for everything I have going on. My family is all healthy, my friends are all healthy (for the most part. I mean some are kind of questionable mentally, but physically they're right as rain), I have a job that most days I love. So. Thanks, that's awesome. 

Hope things up there are going ok. I hope that those new members of your team are settling in alright. We've had kind of a rough year for the news worthy deaths, so although in my personal life things haven't been too wretched, I like to keep everyone in my prayers. Give them all a high five for me. 

I guess that's it for today. I don't want to forget to thank you for things, so if I do let me know cause that's rude. 

As always please guide me where you need me to go. Cause sometimes I'm super unsure. 

Keep it real. Chat soon.

Later,

Janice

Oh! Can you help me with the self control thing cause that is out of control!!!

2 Things My Body Decided Today

My body has suddenly decided 2 things.

Number 1: that today was for pastries.

Or maybe Bob decided that when he brought left over Mother's Day goodies in.

The rest of my meals were semi healthy and kind on track. But the 2 danishes were not. And the no work outs were not. I think I need a smack in my head. Any takers?

Number 2: that pollen and it are no longer friends.

They'll no longer get together for coffee. Or to go see the new hit movie that's out. And they definitely will not be grabbing drinks later.

I seriously hate it. Time to get Clariton Clear. Like, yesterday. 

The Mind's Eye

I don't like how I see myself. I mean everyone has something that when they look at a photo of themselves thinks "eeee gads!" but I just think it's really sad that I see pictures of myself and think "holy mother of arms that are big and flabby!"

It's just kind of sad that I think that. Especially since my arms are not that big and flabby, in real time.

This got me thinking about how many times in my life that I have been fit (not "skinny") but healthy and strong and at that time I still thought of myself as a huge gigantic mess. For an example, back in September 2012, right after Bridget's wedding when I looked a picture like this:

What I saw was this: 

When I looked at pictures like this:

+

All I saw was this: 

Double fisting of champagne aside, those first photos look nothing like those second photos. But in my mind they do. Which is crazy. THAT'S CRAZY!

How do we get there? At which point in our existence do we stop seeing ourselves as what we really look like?

The photo that really brought all of this to mind has a bunch of people in it from my acting class and in my mind, my arms look like a linebackers. Really, I'm pretty sure I could take out Michael Strahan. And somewhere in the confines of my mind I know this is untrue. I know that my arms are not the size of Vin Diesel's. But why is that how I see it?

I honestly don't have an answer for this one. And after a Monday & Tuesday of really locking up my eating habits, I fell horribly victim to a flash storm and flood and was cold and wet and the salads just would not do. So yeah, I ordered chinese. And now I feel like an ass because I need to lock up my self control. Then I saw the picture mentioned above and felt even worse. 

There isn't even something that I remember from once upon a time when someone said something to me about my arms being flabby and big. It just crept into my brain one day and made itself at home. I just wish I could fix it. I wish I (and everyone else!) could see myself the way that the rest of the world sees me. 

Right now I've gain the weight back that I lost for the wedding. Even more so because a lot of the work I had done was weight training work so all that muscle turned into flub. And the knowledge that I did it once, I can do again is in my brain, I just have to get back to that. 

But there are some things I have going for me. Yesterday at kickboxing I felt strong while holding the plank and pushup position. I felt like I could have stayed up there longer. Last weekend I ran proooooobably at least maybe 2 out of 3 miles in a 5K. I'm not completely out of shape, just not where I really want and hope to be. It's the tiny victories.

The thing that makes me most upset is knowing that their are young girls out there thinking the exact same thing as me. And they don't realize yet that they are enough, "huge" arms aside.

What the actual f***?

THIS actually causes my gag reflex to start working over time. Like, the back of my throat feels gross and my stomach is upset.

This is what is wrong with our world and our society. Ugh. I can't even complete a whole sentence. My mind is literally running a thousand miles a minutes. How do people in this world still think like this? How do people still think this is ok?

Every single person in this universe, even the total douche buckets, are unique, special and beautiful in some sort of way. Essentially what A&F is saying is that, your weight defines who you are.

It doesn't.

A scale will never tell me how funny I am.
A scale will never tell me how compassionate I am.
A scale will never tell me if I'm helpful.
A size XL (which I bought the other day, FYI) does not tell me how well I do my job.
A size XL will never inform me as to whether or not I am a good person.

What makes A&F think that they should pass judgement on who I am, just because sometimes I have to purchase a size XL instead of a Large.

Further, just so we're on the same page Abercrombie and Fitch, your L is more of an S. You smug asshat.

Wanting to market to "the cool kids" is the most high school response I've ever heard and I spent the last two days with Middle and High Schoolers. Somebody had no friends growing up and I think his name is Mike Jeffries.

Please people, for the love of your daughters, nieces and friends, for all the young impressionable minds out there, show Abercrombie and Fitch that you'll take your business elsewhere. Even if that makes you "uncool."

And yes I plan on burning the ONE A&F shirt that I own. It's a Large. And I used to wear the shit out of it. Tarnishing your brand because I am one dorky little bitch.

YOU SUCK!

Breakdown in the Produce Aisle

You know what's not a good look on me? Desperation. It's rare. But that ugly bitch rears her disgusting head every once in while. And on Sunday, I was desperate.

For some wine.

So when the numerous glasses of champagne I indulged in at a bridal shower earlier in the day did not quench my alcohol lust, I decided to make a run. And since we had no food in the house and I had high hopes for a week of healthy eating, I figured I would pop by the grocery store as well. At that, my mom offered me her card to get some stuff that the whole family would need.

So I get there. I even call my mom to say "Hey. What's the _____ sitch? Should I get some more?" and tell her that I'm going to put it on my card. We both realized at this point that she had forgotten to give me her's.

Meanwhile, in the produce aisle, the grocery store is mocking me. There are literally couples everywhere. It's date night at the deli counter.

"Oh honey, what kind of turkey should we get?"
"Silly, I hate munster cheese!"
"Should we get some more lettuce?"
"What should we have on Tuesday!"
"Oh you!!!"

I even witnessed a bit of a tiff regarding the type of veggies one couple was purchasing. Yes, pre-cut celery is a ripoff Sir, I agree with you!

Anyway so I get to the check out counter, ring up my load and realize that I do not have my card on me. All I have is $27 and big dreams. I had to do the good ole "can you put that back." beep. "and this." beep. "this too."

Until I had enough money. How embarrassing. And I don't embarrass easily.

When I got home, miffed and STILL without wine. I took it out the fridge (the mayo is still stuck to the cap of the jar from when an entire shelf fell mercilessly to the floor, when I may or may not have shoved the door a little too harshly).

Once the mayo rolled away (along with a couple of salad dressings now properly shaken), I dissolved into tears, took off my pants and climbed into my bed. Where I proceeded to work it all out on my pillow.

Eventually my mom came in and pointed out to me that none of this has anything to do with my lack of wine or my embarrassment at the check out counter and all to do with my discomfort in how comfortable I am.

And she's right.

She reminded me of when I was 26 years old at a job that could have held a bright future for me. A job that if I had stayed at would have paid off my loans by now and I would definitely not be living with mom and pop. A job that I had started to hate.

So, in her eyes, I did the bravest thing she could imagine... I moved to Scotland and went back to school.

My mom asked me where that girl went.

And she couldn't be more right. Where did that girl go? Because I like my job, but I'm comfortable. It's time for a change. It's time for something.

Which is hard because I genuinely love The Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey and I am proud to work for this company and be affiliated with the theatre we create. But it's not enough for my soul.

Because working here does not challenge me. And I'm most comfortable when I'm uncomfortable. Which is something I never recognized until these past few days.

So because I love these people I'm not going to disappear on them, but it's time to revamp this life of mine.

Starting with my bod. I've eaten better in these last 2 days than I have in a while and I'm staying active every day. The next step is to copyright 2 of my plays and start submitting them. The third is to work on some of my novels. I have like 5 started just hanging out in my computer like "yo, Janice? Are we even friends anymore? You don't call, you don't write?" LITERALLY.

So I didn't actually breakdown in the produce aisle. I did wait until I was in the privacy of my own kitchen, give me that. It may have made for a better blog post, but really people... throw me a frickin' bone here.

Ok I have to go practice drawing a sword for the scene I have to perform in 2 hours. So, yeah not with a pencil, like from my hip. Like a Knight or some shit. This should end well...

Oh Hey. Look.

I may be pushed to the edge this week. I hate it. With work, I've been in until super late all week, plus my parents are away so I have to dog & the house to take care of. I'm just beat.

I know... somebody call a WAMBULANCE! But I'm just exhausted.

The worst of it all is over the past weeks I've noticed that I've gained ALL my pre Bridget's wedding weight back. I know. Sad Day USA.

I've lost, RIP, three pairs of jeans over the past few weeks. I have no money to buy new ones. I finally stitched up a pair with a crazy hole only for those jeans to lose their life via zipper popping not an hour later.

This week at work is crazypants and I should be watching my food intake but it's hard. When you have 0 food at home, 0 time to go shopping and 0 money to go food shopping with. So yes, this week has been a beautiful mess of frozen pizza, chicken fingers and Burger King. That's right! On the day I lost another pair of jeans, I ate Burger King! SUCK IT!!!

And right now, it this moment I just finished a Qudoba burrito.

Next week. Next week I'm back in action. I swear. Gotta get this body beach ready.

Ugh-ness.

Out Like a Lamb.

It's been a while. Life got awesome and then it got mucky so I took a hiatus.

Last weekend I took a trip down to WV to visit my friends. It's all so strange to me now. It was so amazing a great to see everyone but it left me so sad. I had this whole realization that I will just always be missing this people. If I moved down there I would miss everyone from home. So there's no win/win for me. It's exhausting. Worst/Best decision I even made was to go to school so far away.

I mean really no matter which way I slice in I'm missing someone. At some point in my day I think of someone from one of the many places I've lived and think "damn, I miss them." It's the worst/best.

In the end I'm really glad  I went because I got to meet a bunch of babies, hang out with woman I love and admire and see the beautiful state that I love.

In case you're wondering...


I came home to the super crappy news that a friend from high school passed away. It's just the worst. I'll never get over losing people from my childhood. There's no reason they should be gone and I should still be here. It just really hurts. And I hurt for my friends who were still close with the individual because I cannot even imagine what they're going through.

And then within the same day I found out that my other friends beautiful baby was born. So last week was an emotional roller coaster to say the very least.

But so that's my little catch up. I joined another dating site until I realized I had to pay for it and then I deleted my account. AGAIN. Maybe I'll hop back on the OKstupid again to see what's up. I'm not even interested in dating I think I'm just bored. UGH!



Oh, happy Jesus is BAAACK day. 

Ain' t That the Truth?

I've realized there are so many things that I have to do for myself that if I wasn't single I'm pretty sure there'd be someone around to help me with, if not do them for me. I'm not saying that women in relationships don't do these things for themselves, but I just HAVE to do them for myself. Does that make sense? Because I have to do all these things I'm stronger. Because I don't have the option of not doing them.

Like shoveling snow. I'm so over it. Put a pair of glasses on my face, a scarf around my neck and obscure band on my iPod because I AM OVER IT! The driveway at our house is super steep and EthanRayne (my lovely non 4 wheel drive vehicle) can't do even the slightest of hills in the snow. So I get home. I shovel myself in. This morning. I shovel myself out. Take that mother nature.

Do you know what else I have to do on my own? Deal with overflowing toilets. Yup. All on me. If I'm home alone and something goes wrong with the crummy downstairs toilet. I'm your girl. Bring it.

I also pick up my dogs shit.

I also go to EVERYTHING alone. Which can make me a leper at certain events. Don't worry ladies, I'm not trying to sleep with your man, I'm just trying to get through this event without getting so drunk I start crying. Which I'm getting pretty good at, a thank you!

And you know what? I have a love / hate relationship with all these things. Because someday being competent in the art of picking up dog poop and digging myself out of the driveway and unclogging a sink or setting up my DVD player (oh yeah, I do that on my own too) will make me an even better catch. I guess anyway...

But with everything in life there is one thing that gets to me more than others. One thing that twists my little heart. Which is silly because it's the tiniest thing. I can shovel snow and I'm fine. I can clean up toilet water and swing dog shit in a plastic bag while taking a nice little jaunt and I'm fine.

But the time when I'm like "damn, I'm so single and it stinks." is when I'm packing or unpacking my cooler. For road trips and country concerts. When I'm heading down the shore or going camping. I have to pack my own cooler. Buy the ice. Buy more ice. Empty the cold water and rinse it out when I get home. And that makes me feel even more single than I actually am.

It's usually the little things that bother you the most. Ain't that the truth.

Throw Back Thursday!!!!

I decided to get into this whole Throw Back Thursday idea in order to introduce some of my GEMS to new audiences. This below post was first done on May 6, 2011 and is definitely worth a read especially since we are heading into DoucheBag Season. Be on the look out ladies...



SIGNS OF A TELL TALE DOUCHE

The wink. Obviously invented when, about 500 years ago, there was a King of Somewhere who had a spazzum & instead of admitting the problem, played it off as his special way to get the ladies. And, being that he was a King, the ladies played along.

It doesn't work. It's creepy. You just quickly closed your one eye while sneering at me. Plus your neck is the same size as your head, lay off the 'roids.

Ok so last night my brother & I decided that we would go down to the Rattlesnake for a drink since it was, after all, Cinco de Mayo. (A holiday that we non-latino folks have grasped onto, if only for the drinking. I apologize.)

Anyway we ran into a bunch of my brother's old friends, we're hanging with them & I notice this not entirely unfortunate looking guy (even though his neck really was the same width as his head) working his way over to our little circle of conversation. When he was standing next to me I make the polite turn & smile. That's when it happened... he winked at me. Winked.

Excuse me? I'm sorry. What?

If that wasn't bad enough within 30 seconds of introducing himself he is talking about his high paying job & how he had the day off so he went golfing. "I was ready to head out this morning and my boss said 'why don't we lay low today?' That's all I needed to hear so I headed to the course to knock a few balls around."

Great story. Please tell it again. I think he followed that up with what kind of car he drives. It must not have been to impressive because I don't remember it, or his name for that matter.

When my brother returned from getting a drink & Captain D-bag had disappeared I asked "did you see...?" And my brother responded "Uhhhh yeah. I had to keep myself from laughing."

Why has it not gotten around to more men to keep the *wink* locked up?

It's not ok. Between you & my 75 year old uncle through marriage that grabs my butt during hugs, the uncle is less creeptastic.

I feel like I need to do the "creepy shake" mixed with a "not happy" raspberry. You know what I'm talking about... trying to get the cooties away. Blech!!!

So in honor of this attempt at my love, here are 10 Signs of the Tell Tale Douche.

1. The wink.

2. The mentioning of their paycheck within the first 5 minutes of the conversation. (Unless the conversation was based on occupation from the get go, then well give him a by.)

3. Wife beaters, Guiny T's, TANK TOPs, whatever you call them. If a guys is wearing one of these he is way to vain, especially if accompanied by any type of jewelry. Unless they're on the beach or doing yard work, run away.

4. If it looks like he spent more time on his hair than you, please rethink this conversation.

5. You go to the bathroom & come back to find him talking to another girl. Apparently you're bladder is less important than his penis.

6. Anyone who starts a conversation with "'Sup?" It's not even a real word. I use it when I'm pretending I'm a douche.

7. If it's Cinco de Mayo, ie: May 5th & they already have a tan (orange or otherwise) they're probably a captain or co-captain of Team Douche.

8. Shoes. If their sneakers look like they picked them up at footlocker about 10 minutes before coming out tonight, it means that if you accidentally brush one of them with your high heel (or in my case, Birkenstocks) they are going to flip the f**k out. This is from personal experience. Men are weird about their shoes in general, which is multiplied when douchiness is involved.

9. He mentions his "bro's" within the first 1 - 3 minutes and how they're ready to "rage" tonight. If his main purpose in the evening is to get wasted with his boys, good for him. I can't deny doing this very thing on numerous occasions with "the girls". But bragging about it... come on.

10. He starts talking to you but once your friend with 10 less pounds, bigger boobs, less clothing, etc, walks up he suddenly has a "change of heart", he is the king of Douche Bag Land & his ancestors probably invented... the wink.

DELETE

I put you out of what I am.
I don't think about you when I drive through town.
You don't jump into my mind when I see that truck.
I've erase the piece of you that became a piece of me.
It's like I'm clean.
But in truth, I'm still not sure I want to be.
I'm free of you, but not of myself.
I'm not sure what I'd prefer.
What I'd prefer is to never have had all of this.
To press "delete" on whatever this was. 

I Have a Problem...

Well I have several problems. The most probing being that I still try to booze like I'm 21. And most of the time I succeed, but I never succeed so much that I don't get sick. Gross.

This past Saturday was Morristown's St. Patrick's Day Celebration and it was definitely a shit show on my end. Holy mother of corned beef sandwiches.

I was probably completely loaded by approximately 2 PM. Which is impressive considering I started drinking at about 10:30 AM. The day itself is a complete blur of crazy times except for a few details.

I ran into a guy I know from my dad's golf club and my number ended up in his phone some how. So there's that.

There was something to do with a corned beef sandwich that fell and then I was extremely concerned with someone slipping on it. Apparently corned beef = banana peel? Who knew? But because I was so concerned with getting this out of the way I met this group of guys and proceeded to slap one of them. Well he knocked the corned beef sandwich back on the floor and that's dangerous! So apparently smacking him was the best option. Geeze Louise!

But we ended up hanging out with them all night. It turned out the one friend knew my friend Sarah so we became a little crew...

And guess what? They were all married. Leave it to me to hang out with a bunch of married dudes all day! They were super fun & for the first few hours everything was kosher but then as they got drunker 2 of them got handsier and handsier. It was out of control. Finally after the one tried to edge his hand up my leg and the other won awards for the amount of butt grabbing and neck nuzzling we decided to call it a night.

There was almost a tearful moment with Leslie on the phone in a bathroom stall where I went something like this "Why? Why are they doing this? They're so fun & they're making me lose faith in all men! Why can't we just hang out, why do they have to hit on us?" But luckily Leslie couldn't talk so I had to lock it up.

But why is it that I can completely act like myself and be a total catch in front of unavailable people? If I know you're available? I shrink up and become the Queen of Awkwardia! Ugh. Worst.

And what's even more sad and yet amazing? The one guy who I found the most attractive out of all of them? The one guy who was a total gentleman. Never inappropriate, but super nice and made sure that me and my friends were comfortable the whole night. Got us water. Let me steal his french fries. Nicest guy. And a true man & husband. Where ever you are Sir, huzzah!

I also JUST remembered that I ran into my CKO instructor on Saturday so that will be kind of hilarious at class tonight. AWESOME! I need to lock it up. 

Sibling Revelry

I realized this morning that I've talked about my parents on this piece but never about my brother and sister. Which is weird because even though I complain about her sassy ass and his prodigal son status, I really did hit the jack pot with my siblings.

So first there's my brother, who is the greatest catch in the known universe. Ok, maybe Ryan Gosling could give him a run for his money. But actually the more I think about it, the more he kind of reminds me of Ryan Gosling. Which makes me need to stop right NOW.

Ok so not only is my brother like the kindest most genuine person I know, he like legit doesn't gossip. He doesn't tell me things because he knows I have this huge mouth and when I try to gossip with him he's like "I really don't care." and in my mind I'm like "HOW COULD YOU NOT CARE THAT SO in SO is DOING SO in SO RIGHT AFTER BREAKING UP WITH SO in SO!?!?" Which is like unreal to me and makes me want to be a better person.

Which leads me to the next thing, he's a really good influence. He's super healthy, keeps himself really fit and eats pretty clean for the most part. Yes he still has beers and such but he's done with soda. DONE! who does that? I can make it like 2 weeks, tops without the fizzy delisciousness and then I'm done.

He also has his life, like totally together. I mean I know no one is perfect, but he's kind of close. Bought a house last year. Working for the same company for the past 10 + years all while furthering his education at NJIT. Does a different 5K, 10K, Tough Mudder ish thing every month. I mean really?

Finally, one of my favorite things about my brother is his sense of humor. I'm sure I get it more than others because we share the same DNA, but damn that boy can crack me up. It's like his comic timing is in his blood.

Anyway, I'm done gushing. He's just a caring and good person and I'm very lucky to call him MY brother.


Then there my little sister. We haven't always had the best relationship because we went through that phase where I put her in a box and then in the bathtub (what I was 8 years old) and then when she was a teenager I was a self righteous 20 something. But the thing is, I always knew, even if I had just called her a little bitch, she would have my back. She is one of the most loyal people I have ever met, to those she truly loves and cherishes. When I returned from Glasgow with some kind of big news that I was very nervous to tell my parents about I knew I could tell her and she would support me. I told her before mom and dad so that I could have that rock. In a lot of ways she is my rock because I know that I can count on her completely on an emotional level. Which is crazy important since I'm kind of a looney tune.

She's also kind of a genius with the book smarts. Like me, she could give or take science and math but she reads like a fiend. And everything you could think of. She's read ALL of the Lord of the Ring series and tones of super smart books that are probably too heavy for me, but also enjoys a good jaunt through Panem or Hogwarts. Which is kind of an awesome amount of well rounded-ness.

And I don't mean to brag but she's kind of an internet celebrity on the Tumblr.

But one of the coolest things about my little sister is how passionate she is about her beliefs. Now I adhere to the idea that woman's rights should be a given, but I hear rumor that not every one believes my lady bits are my own business, which is weird. My little sister is so informed on politics that involve woman's rights and speaks out about it no matter what the company. Which sometimes makes me cringe at first, but then I'm usually in awe of her. Because she is so educated, chances are she's about to shut you down.

So that's my brother and sister. And I cannot wait to celebrate my little sisters big 21st birthday in a few weeks. Especially since my brother will be there. Which is kind of awesome. I love that I have siblings that actually enjoy spending time with one another. Which is super luck. I'm a super lucky chick.

Now how about that, Mom. 

High School Called...

it wants it's broken heart back.

Wow. Wowsa. Wowsers. I haven't felt that way in a while. Damn.

A friend set me up with someone they work with. Just via text message. And when they did it, it didn't feel right. I was like "blerg, I guess so. Why not. Maybe it's not a good idea. Fine Ok!"

We never even got past the text messaging portion of the program because I realized a few things.

The first being that I'm totally into this friend. WORST! I realized it when I realized that this friend says I'm always mean to him. Which I attributed to that being just how I act with friends. I'm always busting chops. But when I really thought about it I realized it's because I can never have them. Which is sad day USA.

So all of this was Friday and I moved on with my life, happy as a clam. La di da. Having major plans to get over that and be nicer in general. It's not his fault I'm not his type, right?

So when we talked earlier today he told me about his new girl and how great she is. Fan-fucking-tastic. Then he was all "wanna see a picture." and on reflex I'm all "no."

I said yes a few seconds later, mainly because HELLO! dead give away.

But as he's talking about her saying that she isn't what I would expect him to be dating, she's curvy and all this stuff. I'm like... why? why do I  need this information? Why do you feel like I need to know your dating a girl that has the same body as me?

Further why earlier in the conversation did you have to crack a joke about how I not all guys can be such a catch as you?

What do you think I spend all my time pining away for you?

False, it's only been the past weekend when I realized I dig you with a big spoon. It's only been 3 days of pining. So get over yourself.

Anyway. The other reason we never got past a few texts is because this guy is sending me photos of his super heavy tattoos, telling me that they mean things like "No Forgiveness" and "Trust No One." Anyway. If this is like week 2 and I'm already seeing the type of person you are, then there are no red flags. Because I'm able to compute the negative aspect of those tattoos with who you used to be. But now, when we haven't even met yet? Now? You know what that says to me now?

Abort mission.

So I haven't responded to texts. I think I will let him down easy, since my friend told me that apparently he's sensitive. The last thing I need right now is sensitive. What I need is someone who will sweep me off my feet in his pick up truck and take me out to watch him tame a bull. If you know someone like that send them my way.

I offered my Janice's Boot Camp but that's about all I'm available for right now.

Who am I kidding? I can't be available for anyone else but me right now.

One thing that does make me happy... Turns out I can still feel that "tight, can't breath, don't know whats happening, ouch maybe that's my heart" feeling that you get when there's something you want but can't have. Which I haven't felt since High School. Or maybe College. At least since about 22.

Turns out I can still feel.

Beer is a Major Theme of March

I lied to all of you and I'm so upset that I did.

This morning when I got up my mom was in the upstairs bathroom so I  had to use the downstairs bathroom to evacuate my bladder and unfortunately that's where our scale lives.

I got on it. Which was such a mistake. I'm so sorry guys!

The number really doesn't matter to me. But it was an eye opener to see how much weight I've gained back since September. It's not a pretty sight. So I'm getting back on the work out and eat right train like crazy. With the exception of the weekends. I'm giving myself the weekends off. If I can work out I will but as far as eating great I can't go crazy.

Because beer is a major theme of March.

At least I'm honest I love beer.

March 2nd I head to PSU to do a bar crawl with Bridget & Kari, alumni of said University.

March 9th is Morristown St. Patrick's Day.

March 16th is my little sisters 21st Birthday in Jersey City.

March 23rd I'll be in WV so I can't make any promises they'll be beer involved but I'm like 64% sure.

March 30th I'm going to a craft beer festival in the city.

I think I love beer too much. Is that wrong? And if it is, I don't want to be right...

Spoilers (Is that enough of a warning?)

If you aren't watching ABC's Nashville than you are missing out. Not only does it showcase some of the best  talent we have in the entertainment industry (I'd watch Connie Britton take a shit) but the music coming out of this show is incredible.

It's not just country tunes reminiscent of Taylor Swift (although Boys and Buses is a super catchy tune) there are also ridiculously sick soft rocky bluegrass-esc songs like Change Your Mind. Can you just trust me on this one? There is honestly a song in every episode that makes me go...

WANT.
NEED.
DOWNLOAD.

Seriously. We can't even discuss When the Right One Comes Along because I might get the cold sweats and start crying about how badly I want to be Clare Bowen. That song seriously changed my life. Which is a tall order but you know when you just hear a song at the exact right moment in your life and you're like "Oh yeah, thank you Jesus, you  know what I need."

Plus the characters are all juicy and layered and fun and mean and real. It can be soapy, but so can every show on television. But I can honestly say I've haven't loved to hate a character this much since Victoria Grayson.

Anyway so the reason that I've labeled this post as a spoiler is because I'm about to talk about a pretty integral part of the show.

There are two characters named Scarlett and Gunnar and they write music together. (Change your Mind & When the Right One Comes Along are supposed to be songs that they wrote) And they are just one of the will they? / wont they? couples on the show. And they are so awesome together that I've been dying a little bit all season wanting them to get with the smoochies.

Now last night's episode ended in a way that I like to refer to as sexy sweet.

After identifying his brother's body at the police station, Gunnar goes MIA for a whole day. Leaving Scarlett freaking out on many levels back home (ps. they're also roommates). Mostly because his brother was bad news who brought a gun into their home after promising that he got rid of it. When Gunnar finally returns home, in shambles (rightly so), Scarlett comforts him in the best way she knows how. With sweet sweet loving.

He blames himself, he's completely torn up, and when her hugs don't do the trick she kisses him, which then leads to more.

Here is why I bring this up and you can all tell me that I am entirely wrong in this particular theory. After the scene ended my Mom was like "That seems like an inappropriate time to have sex, your brother just died." and I kind of agreed, the timing could be better. But I think that people find comfort in sex. Especially when it's the type of relationship that these two characters have. Full of caring and devotion. Friendship and dare I say, love. They have a creative connection through their writing that has grown into a friendship that (fan fingers crossed) will grow into weekly smoochies. It was beautiful to me.

That moment when there is nothing to be said and nothing to be done. The only way I can help you is by showing you how much I care about you. I can't change what's happened but I can make you forget for a little while. Everything I'm feeling is too much, so let me explore some more of you.

I know I'm a hopeless romantic and things like this don't happen that much in real life.

I know it's just a show.

But it made me feel things in my gut. It made me remember what I aspire to find someday.


And if you're wondering how good Connie Britton's singing voice is, here's your answer.

No Boys Allowed

Seriously. If you're a dude don't read this. You're either a man that doesn't want to hear about this particular subject or you're a man who is gay and thinks we have a gnomb down there. (Shout out Easy A! What up?)

Seriously. Seriously. Don' t keep reading. Because I'm about to talk about my body it ways that only woman will find entertaining and hilarious. Yes, I'm going to talk about THAT part of my body.


Stop.




I said STOP.










Are you still reading? It's your mental picture funeral.

So this is the sordid sad tale of my poor, sweet, innocent vagina. Yeah, I said vagina. She's been through a lot in the last few years. And I've actually toyed with sharing this story or not because it's like a whole new level of personal. But I laugh so hard whenever I think about it that I finally decided that it's meant to be told for generations to come.

When I was living in Glasgow I got a sinus infection that left me debilitated. Mostly because I did that thing I do where I believe I'm fine but I'm really not, so I let it go for a week or two until my girlfriend insists that I go see the doctor and the doctor doesn't even have to see me because she can tell by my email that I'm dying of a sinus infection and just sends my prescription in. You know? THAT thing.

I get my antibiotics, and everything is all fine and good. I eat my yogurts. Still fine. Still good. Until it's not. Until I get the yeast infection to end all yeast infections. Seriously. Apparently UK antibiotics are much stronger than US ones. Oh and also I did that thing where I used over the counter meds, but they didn't really help, but I refused to go to the doctor because "I was fine". Weird, something new for me.

I wasn't fine.

It got to the point where the itch was so burning that I was putting unflavored yogurt on my Va-J-J. I had tried medicines to ease the burning itch, they did not work. I was to the point of turning to a breakfast option to ease my pain. My Ex wins the prize for being the best caretaker ever, because at this point it had literally been 3-4 weeks of me being the most miserable person in the world. So here I am putting a yummy breakfast treat on my vagina, when I finally get in to see the Doc.

A swab is taken. The worst is running through my brain. I have athletes foot of the vagina! Only to find out that the infection is gone, but I've irritated my skin to the point of no return. So the doctor did what any right minded medical professional would think of to do...

She put my vagina on steroids. My vagina was 'roid raging.

Yeah. That happened.

And that cured everything for a long while. But then all of the sudden last spring it started bothering me again. I had some 'roids left but they were going to expire soon and be gone soon so I went to the doctor, sans insurance. That's how miserable this was ladies, I was willing to pay out the butt to get help.



My amazing gyno told me she couldn't see anything particular and prescribed me 3 things:

1. Stop wearing underwear to bed. (Umm if you don't already do this, please do. It's very liberating)
2. Desitin. Yup. I've been using baby butt cream on my vashoosh. That is as bad as it sounds.

So both of these things helped and even though it does act up from time to time, for the most part I wont need to do the final thing that my gyno recommended.

3. If none of the above had worked, I would have had to take my vagina to the Dermatologist.




So that's my tale. Please share and help keep other unsuspecting young ladies from needing steroids and baby butt cream to keep their vagina in line.

Jiggle Jiggle Wiggle Wiggle

Yesterday I finally made it back to Kickboxing after the tragic tragic day when my new gloves tore the sh*t out of my knuckles. I seriously made plans to never actually punch someone in the face because if I caught teeth it would tear my knuckles up in the same way, plus I'm pretty sure your bones hurt after that too. So, note to self, no face punching. Aim elsewhere.

So I was nervous to go back because it has been nearly a full two weeks. Plus I was scared for my wee knuckles. But I bought some new gloves AT the CKO gym so I couldn't screw it up again. (This was my third try at buying gloves. The first time I just bought wraps thinking they were gloves and the 2nd time the gloves ate my hands) But these new ones are kind of awesome sauce so I'm a happy camper.

Anyway in the past 2 weeks I haven't kicked boxes, but I've done a few work outs here or there. But I definitely felt my body expanding. Clothes are a little tighter, things are a little wigglier and I'm not singing as many verses of "I Feel Pretty!" every morning when I get ready. So I'm glad to be back at it. Even working out 3 days a week makes me feel better about myself.

Going back felt great. I love walking back into the gym, having instructors say "There she is!" and recognizing that I've been missing. (And not judging me for it.) But there was one moment at the beginning of class where I was reminded why I work out. I was so flippin' jiggly... Like a bowl full of Jello or old Saint Nick.

The most devastating moment was when we dropped down for some mountain climbers and I could literally feel my exo-layers move up and down as I worked it. GROSS!

But guess what else? It helped me to push harder that whole class. It helped me push myself.

I've kind of come to a conclusion. The scale is not my friend. And not because I think I'm a fatty (even though I kind of do because food and I are frenimies).

It's not my friend because there is nothing that the scale can tell me that I don't already know about myself. I know that I need to lose a few pounds to be healthier. But my weight does not define who I am as person.

This is something that I often have to remind myself. And every man, woman and child should remind yourself. Be healthy. Eat well. Move your body. But do not let the outer you define the inner you.

You will be happier and more comfortable if you work out and eat healthier. I am living proof of that. But a few pounds extra does not an unhealthy person make. It does not an unkind person make. It does not a bad person make.

My completely unsolicited advice is to get to know your body. Look at yourself nakey before jumping in the show. Touch your belly, your arm fat, your butt, your thighs. Get to know the body that you have so that you can work towards the body that you want.

Ok, let me climb off my soap box and finish this blog post.

I'm a huge fan of this photo (which is not mine and has totally and completely been stolen off the interwebs)

There is no more proof than that for me to realize that there is nothing a scale can do for me.

I base my health by the tightness of my jeans. The fit of my clothes. The looseness of my clothing. The way certain shirts fit around my upper arms. How much my jeans leave little red lines on my tummy. If I have that annoying blub that bras sometimes sneak in just to keep you on your toes.

With one week of CKO and other work outs I can see changes in my body. Those changes may be entirely in my head, but that doesn't matter. Because I feel it and I dig it and I want more.

My scale is no longer a huge part of my life. It cannot tell me that I am b-e-a-utifal! Any why would I want something like that around?

And I am, you know. Beautiful. Even if my body jiggle jiggles during kickboxing class. 

Stupid Love, Crazy

Last night my family and I were sitting at the dinner table when we brought up Sherlock Holmes and Irene Adler. In the original Arthur Conan Doyle novels (which I admittedly know little about), Irene solves a crime before Sherlock. (Shout out to Gina McCrostie for said info)

Because she solved the crime before him, Sherlock had to admit that in this particular case someone was smarter than him. Which meant that for the first time Sherlock was able to love someone. It was because Sherlock found someone that could challenge his intellect that he could love her.

Ok. Here's my argument, and it got kind of heated at the dinner table.

I say that if you think you are smarter than your partner, it will never work. It was then argued from around the table that if people who were smarter than other people never got married than there would be no marriage.

Yes I agree with that. People marry people who are smarter than other's all the time, but either they are a douche and don't voice it, or they have absolutely not idea because they're so in love.

I'm not saying that there would never be any marriages where one person is smarter than the other. I'm saying marriages where someone believes that they are smarter than their partner, it will not work.

Because that's not love. That's a power play. I'm not being very articulate right now.

But my point I guess is this. Sherlock was able to be intrigued and infatuated and in love because he knew that she could beat him. Because he knew that she was better than him at something. And sickly enough he then felt challenge to right this wrong in the fabric of his life.

If someone believes that they are smarter than their significant other, that equals to believing that you are better than them. It's not necessarily something you mean to do, but it happens. Intellectual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship.

And it doesn't have to be in the same things. You may know more about mathematics or science or bull riding or newspaper ink, but guess what? I know more about theatre and cooking and writing and making people  laugh.

Having more knowledge in one topic does not make you smarter in life, it makes you smarter in astrophysics or solving crimes. Sherlock has extreme tunnel vision however and believes that his abilities made him superior to everyone in all aspects of life. He never understood that street smarts are as vitally important in life, as book smarts. He's kind of like Sheldon Cooper.

I guess I'm just blabbering now. But I'm sure it makes sense somehow, somewhere.

I think I'm distracted because Liar Liar is on and Jim Carey keeps cracking me up. 

Gross City. Population: 1

I just watched myself clip membership cards onto my key chain for both Qdoba & Panera. As I did I purposefully did not allow them to touch my CKO key fob. Why? Because I don't want my CKO key fob to know about my love for delicious foods that have no place being in and around my mouth.

Ugh. Why??? WHYYY? Why do I love food so much???

Today I got my hair done by my fabulous savior Jamie. I seriously cannot thank her enough. She has made me feel fabulous in a year of, yeah, I'll say it, depression. She is literally my little angel. Anyway, her adorable daughter Jaylin (Sp? sorry Jamie!) was home today and she went to give me a hug and goes "My arms don't fit around you!!!"

Out of the mouths of babes. Thanks Jay! I'm aware I need to loose a few pounds! Geeze!

But that didn't stop me from getting Qdoba for lunch and joining their membership group. What is wrong with me?

I've said it before, I will never be one of those people who can survive on only healthy foods. I like my queso. I like my broccoli cheese soup. I'm sorry, you will never break me!!!

But I need to get back on the workout cycle. Maybe literally a bicycle. Fattay!

I just put this song on while I write and I am now dancing along as I type. Oh yeah, it's happening. Doesn't that bring you right back to some major Clare Danes / Leonardo DiCaprio make out sesh-es? ugh what I wouldn't have given to have fallen in a pool with that man. Or any type of water because really at the end of the day I still want to be Kate Winslet.

She's coming to my dinner party.

Oh I haven't told you about my dinner party yet. I've decided I want to have a dinner party someday with my favorite ladies. So far that list includes but is not limited to:

Emma Stone
Kristen Wigg
Amy Poehler
Tina Fey
Kate Winslet
Jennifer Lawrence

It will either be the loudest or the quietest dinner party in history. I'll make sure to let you all know when it happens. If you're super lucky you might get an invite too!

Lazy Days & Good TV

I am so lazy lately. It's horrible. But it's like a sickness isn't it? It starts with missing one day of working out, laying in bed, partying, being not active.

And then suddenly the next day and the next you're just the same. Lazy butt!!!

It wouldn't be so bad if the rest of my days weren't chock full of crap going on so I can't really squeeze it in until Saturday now. OK I just lied to you. Rude. I could squeeze it in but that would mean getting up wicked early. Which is gross city. I've just been so sleepy lately. I'll get better. I have to get better.

Good golly I'm even annoying myself right now. Let's switch gears shall we?

O.M.G. Did anyone else see Downton Abbey or Revenge or Castle in the last few days???? Cause I did and it was ridiculous!!!! So I guess now is where I say SPOILER ALERT.

Let's start with Downton. I'm not going to freak about the same thing that everyone else is. We all knew that Dan Stevens was leaving the show. So for me, watching that last episode was more a waiting game then a cry fest. I knew he was going so I was just waiting to see how it happened. I'm more pissed about the way they did it than anything. First off, it happened almost exactly when it happened for Branson and Sybil. Right after the baby is born. Which I guess is super nice for the viewers, yay happy moment, but it's just too much. Too balanced. What really killed me in this episode was the Mrs. Hughes/Branson scene where Mrs. Hughes tells him that Sybil would be proud of him and he breaks down. Kill me now and let me marry Tom Branson please!!!! Also the whole Jimmy / Thomas deal, my heart hurt! When Jimmy is all "I can never give you what you want." And Thomas asks for friendship and Jimmy says something like "That I can do." well that was an American 2013 version of what he said. Anyway, in my opinion although the ending ending was like a big F-U I really felt like the rest of the characters story lines were like a big Thank You. So I'm good with how Downton ended. I may be one of the only ones.

So then there's Revenge. Not quite as lovely but just as heart wrenching. After a crazy wild ride with that coo coo banana pants Nate, Amanda finally does something I appreciate and pushes Jack off out into the wild blue yonder so she can save him. But when Emily and Nolan find his bod', she sends Nolan back to shore with Jack and goes after Amanda. Now, throughout the show you've recognized that Emily really does care for her, but it wasn't until this episode that you've realized that she truly loves her. And whenever Emily Thorne comes unraveled forget about it! I become a sobbing mess. I think it just has to do with the fact that 90% of the time she is a badass bitch, so when she starts to come undone, I become undone. The more I watch this show the more I realize how amazing Emily Van Camp is. I mean the rest of the cast is incredible, but she was never my uber favorite until now. She is rocking my socks off this season. So is Nolan, but he always did.

Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. So now the real show I want to talk about and not just because I'm watching it for a second time with my father right now. Castle. One of the only shows on television that I can honestly say brought their main characters together and the entire show has not gone down the shitter. This past episode Rick Castle's daughter gets accidentally involved in an Egyptian politicians daughter's kidnapping. Here's why this episode had me sobbing the whole time... Nathan Fillion. He's usually the goofball who solves the case through his wit. This episode he pulls an Emily Thorne and falls apart. I. CAN'T. DEAL. I cannot deal watching my beloved funny man hurt so much. Ugh. That word right there describes my biggest feeling. Ugh. My gut wrenched. My heart broken. For 45 minutes. I have the biggest hope that this two part "event" will end happily. I mean in the preview for next week they crack a Liam Neeson joke so I can only hope that things turn out well for Alexis. Cause also, lets be honest some more... she's one of the only truly talented young actresses out there so I'd sure shit be bummed if they took her off the show.

Well that turned around fast.

I guess I'll let you all know I've re-evaluated my Lent sacrifice. So much so that I don't have one right now. Awkward. Sorry Jesus.