Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Just Trying to Find Out "Why?"

I think I've decided to officially change my middle name to Pathetic. Janice Pathetic McCrostie. I think it has a nice ring to it. Thoughts? Concerns?

The thing is this...

I think God decided to hold a mirror up for me and I didn't like what I saw.

I've been lazy about my future. I've been expecting something to fall into my lap. I'm thirty for Christ sake! Grow the fuck up, McCrostie.

I've just become something weird. Something I'm not sure about.

I feel like Charlotte Lucas, I'm absolutely a burden on my parents.

I know I'm lucky and blessed and a bunch of other mushy annoying words, but I'm sure my parents would rather have their space and their money to themselves. My mother has wanted to swim with the dolphins for years, I like to think some day I'll be able to take her. But in order to that, I have to be proactive in my life.

Why don't I finish one of my novels? Why am  having such writers block? What the hell am I so terrified of?

Failure? If I don't ever try, that's a failure. If I live my life in fleece sheets, that's a failure.

Life isn't  a spectator sport.

The Oscars were on the other night and I always feel forlorn when I watch them. Somehow I feel like I missed my chance to ever be on that stage. That was my dream. My fucking dream and I just didn't even try.

And my dream has changed now but my M.O hasn't. I want to be published, produced, READ! And I prefer my PJs? Who does that?

Who does that?

Pathetic people that's who.

Tomorrow, Ash Wednesday, begins the Lentin Season. Tomorrow I'm going to challenge myself.

For 40 days I have to write every day. Whether it's this blog, or one of my novels. And if it's a novel then I have to post on here, telling you all that's what I did. For 40 days I have to do something for my dream, because why else am I even here?

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why."
 ~ Mark Twain ~

God I hope I stick to this. I hope I can pull myself out of the dregs of patheticism.

At least if nothing else, I made up a word.

Please hold me accountable. Please. If you're out there. If you'r reading this. Hello? Is this thing on? I need you.