little, silly, brain.

I've learned a bit about myself and others in the last few weeks.

Mainly, that everyone has their insecurities and they are almost never rational.

In fact, mine are borderline insane.

What are my insecurities? Hmm. Let's list them shall we?

My body.
My ability to do my job well.
My skin.
My image.
My cooking.

That's a lot of things to worry about. It's exhausting. Gawwwwd! I'm exhausted just listing them.

But I've learned that those things are insignificant. They were pushed on me for some stupid reason as a child by some stupid person in whatever way and now I can't let them go.

Why can't I just let them go?

For the same reason you can't. Because years ago a seed was planted that my few extra pounds are un-attractive. So now I spend every day wondering if he thinks I'm pretty. Because I have been snapped at and treated as though I am stupid, I now spend 10 hours a day anxious. Because one day, over 10 years ago someone made fun of a pimple, I am petrified of them. Because someone, some day, didn't like my out fit, I now dress for them. Because my mom is so great at feeding everyone, I will forever live in her shadow.

All of these are insane. IN-SANE. They're only issues in my head. My little, silly, brain. There is no where else in this entire universe where that particular group of issues are clumped together and eat away at the foundation.

It's kind of funny and sad to think of all at once.

My insecurities will never never, never go away. I know this. Because I've been skinny and I still saw my chubby self in the mirror.

I will always see them, and see them first. And the funny thing is, the hilarious thing is, 90% of the time, no one else sees a thing.

Life After

What does it mean to move on.

Yesterday I didn't cry. For a week I cried every day, but yesterday I didn't.

What does that mean? Why?

Last week was rough and when I think about my Grandpa, I still feel sad. But I haven't cried since I stood at my Grandfather's grave next to my cousin.

Is that how quickly it's supposed to happen? That the day after you say goodbye things get better?

I don't know, I haven't done this in a while.

And the last time I did this I had a little distraction.

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm happier today than I was yesterday. And I was happier yesterday than the day before.

But it could all crumble.

This morning when I woke up I realized something. I'm a Slytherin, but I've been acting like a Hufflepuff (no offense). So I'm going to start acting like a Slytherin (without the maiming & the killing & the curses) but more with the no nonsense, standing up for yourself and knowing what I want.

I don't think that's to much to ask.

I'm taking back 2012.

It takes every ounce of my self control...

I wonder when, as a community of people, we started to expect people to just get over things?

We went from mourning for months and months with a black sash on our arms to "you need time off work? Will you be in after the funeral?"

And it goes the same way with relationships. Is there a length of time after one has ended that it doesn't hurt when they've moved on? That the things they shared with you and are now sharing with someone else don't cut you deep?

I've dealt with both these pains in the last few weeks. My announcement that 2012 was "my year" was taken in jest by the fates. So far in 2012 I've worked through a broken heart, nearly broken a finger, had that broken heart broken even further open by the loss of my Grandfather, threw my back out, dealt with being made to feel incompetent (WHEN I'M NOT!) and almost hit a cat on Route 53. That last one is still fresh.

How can so much shit pile up on someone in 3 weeks? Mother Theresa says that God wont give us anything that He knows we can't handle.

Well I have news for Him.

It takes every ounce of my self control to not yell at some people and say "What's wrong with you? Do you have no soul!? My grandfather just died, I can do this but my brains a little distracted right now! And I haven't missed a single beat, I've just not kept up with the speed of your ridiculous drum because my Grandfather is dead. I'm dealing with never seeing someone I love dearly ever again so excuse me if your photo copies aren't here yet. Where is your heart? When did you become so cold?"


It takes every ounce of myself control to not cry every moment of the day.

It takes every ounce of my self control to not scream at customer service even though it's really not their fault.

It takes every ounce of myself control to not eat the entire world. I really want some cookie dough ice cream.

Its just funny how the human body chooses to survive day by day in the modern age when every ounce of you wants to give up. When some people around you expects you to move on and you want to say F-OFF and never speak to anyone ever again. When every ounce of you wants to climb into bed and never, never get out. What keeps anyone going?

I love my job. I'm just frustrated. I love my ex. I'm just working on transferring that to "friend" love so awkward conversations get less awkward and much longer. I love my thumb. It's just not very cute right now. I love my back. Just, a lot. It helps me do things like move. I even love that damn cat that made my six pack go flying into the drivers seat and all over the back seat. I'm happy I didn't hit your little black and white ass.

It takes every ounce of me to get out of bed knowing I wont ever get to rub my Grandfather's head and tell him I think he has a few more hairs coming in.

But I do, because tomorrow is a new day and hopefully tomorrow will be just a little bit better.

I Have No More...

Matthew 5:4: Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted



I have no more Grandpas. They're all gone. And it hurts to think that he wont be at my wedding.

When I was 18 my Grandpa had his first "scare" and I remember telling my mom that he better get it together cause I expect him to be at my wedding.

And then I shitted around for the last 2 years and didn't have one.

My Grandfather was a firecracker to say the very least. Some of his best gems were.


Grandpa: What are you up to over there?
Gina: Nothing.
Grandpa: How'd you like a nice smack on the head?


Me: Hi Grandpa, may I please speak with Mom?
Grandpa: Who's that?
Me: Susan Clare McCrostie?
Grandpa: I don't know any Susan McCrostie. I know a Sue Ramaglia who lives in sin with this guy in North Jersey!


Grandpa: Who the hell buys anyone a car for a gift???
Me: Didn't you get me a Lexus this year Grandpa?
Grandpa: Oh yeah, it'll be here next Tuesday.


Me: I'm think about coming down to visit next week -
Grandpa: Oh, I'm busy, I'll be washing my hair.

My Grandpa was bald.


It's been a roller coaster of a month. Waiting. It seemed like all we did was wait since Thanksgiving.

But God gave us the Grace of keeping him through the holidays. And now, he's probably up in Heaven giving Jesus and the Apostle such a hard time. Heck, he's probably even being fresh to the Big Man. And he gives me one less reason to fear death, because that's when I'll get to see him again.

Miss you already Grandpa, a lot, but I bet you finally have that full head of hair up there. You know, the one I've been busting your chops about for the last few years?

I'm Ok

This past weekend was my 10th Anniversary of my Candidate weekend on Search and I believe my 7th 4th Day Retreat. It was, as usual, amazing.

Every year we're asked why we came back and for me it's kind of a silly question, because for me there is nothing else I would rather be doing. There have been years that school has kept me away, and I missed it. I missed it that weekend and I missed it the rest of the year when I could feel my self moving away from God because I hadn't had that beginning of the year "date" with Him.

Here's the thing about my 4th Day friends. They are the ONLY people with whom I laugh so hard that I can't breathe and my abs hurt only 10 minutes after I've sobbed all over their shoulder and got some boogies in their hair. They're the ONLY people whom allow me to cry, alone, with God, while having their hand on my back soley for support if needed. Oddly enough, they're the ONLY people whom I can be myself around ALL the time.

Because sadly it's rare that you have a Christ filled conversation at work, or hanging out with your friends at the bar or across the dinner table. And I'm ok with that, bc as I've said before God put us on this earth to live in it. But I realized something this weekend.

He wants me to live in it with Him some more. He wants me to share His love some more. And I do it in a lot of ways. I will never "shove the dove" as my friend Jayme referred to it this weekend. I have my faith and I am more than happy to share it with you, tell you how it's changed my life and be hopeful that it will help you too. But I will never force it upon you.

I show my Christ driven life through kindness, every day in every way. Through being the Janice that God created, not the one that society has told me I should be.

It drives my mother crazy.

It was extremely refreshing to come to this realization this weekend. But I am not making my 4th Day resolution to be more active in my church while I can, while I'm living in this area. To be more active in God.

He misses me when I'm not around.

My friend Meghan shared an amazing passage with me that I believe may be my new favorite.

1st Corinthians 15:10: But by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect.

I think I'm going to start living by that just a bit more.

Class Act

I'm so lazy!!! This is what I've done today:

1. Made coffee.
2. wined about my thumb.
3. Caught up on SyFy's Being Human, so now I can watch the BBC's even though I should have just watched it from the beginning. at least according to my anglophyle (sp?) friends.
4. Watched a TNT made for TV movie staring John Corbett and Julie Benz that wasn't great, but I couldn't turn it off.
5. Catching up on Grimm.


The most productive thing I've done today is caught up with a old friend & tried to be comforting when they needed it. Now I'm going to try and type up some stuff I have hand written, which ironically I've realized is what caused my carpal tunnel (sp?) Plus now I learned how to crochette and I love it but I've had to take break because of the above issue.

God, I'm such an old lady. Haha.

What do I plan on doing for the rest of the day? Much of the same.

I have the week off and today is the first day I've done absolutely nothing all day in months. And I know I should be guilty, I'm trying to convince myself to feel guilty, but alas I do not.

Classy.