Friday, May 31, 2013

Body Image is for the Birds

I am slowly (very slowly some may say) realizing something things. 

If you follow my blog on a regular bases you're probably about to go "DUH! Ya IDIOT!" but I'm still getting there...

My body is beautiful. Period. 

There's no "but I have roles when I sit." or "look at this muffin top." or "but my arms do this wiggly thing."

My body is beautiful.

There should not be a stigma on weight. Ever. There are some people in this world who are over weight and that it affects their life and they are unhappy. Those people, in order to get happier, need to reevaluate. But that's not for me to decide. 

I am on a mission to get fitter and stronger and healthier. But I've said it before & I'll say it again...

I will NOT starve myself any longer. I refuse. I will not count calories or stare longingly at a cookie from across the room (I love you.)

This did not make me happier. This did not improve my life.

Yes when I was very fit at the end of last summer I enjoyed the attention. I liked being told how good I looked. But beyond that, I was starving! Oh sweet baby Jesus was I hungry.

I don't want to have to put myself through that ever again.

So I will eat according to me. Some days that will be a delicious salad. Some days a delicious burger. 

But I will also always be active. I will not be happy if I get heavier than I am now. And if I continue my free range diet without working out, than I will not be happier. 

There are a few things lately that have been leading up to this. Tonight this blog has really opened my eyes. I've always thought that I was single for 2 reasons:

1. Because I was picky.
2. Because I like a hottie & "hotties don't like fat girls." At least that's what I told myself.

sad. sad. sad.

How could anyone else want to have sex with me if I didn't even want to have sex with me? I gotta work on that.

I'm slowly digging through the roots of all my awful body image & I think I've found it's source. I wont share it because it could be hurtful to someone I care about, but now that I know that the things this person projected on me were only their own issues and really had nothing to do with me, I'll be able to work more on me. 

You're probably so over me talking about this. I am too. Let's talk about something else...

I'm still kickboxing and I just joined Golds Gym. Breaking up with Planet Fitness was hard but there were minimal tears. Maybe that's because I didn't do it on time & he was able to snag a final $39.99 in yearly fees out of me. Wee devil. But my new gym is just $10 more and they have classes and a pool. I am simply ready to concentrate on myself and my fitness. 

I guess that really wasn't a change of subject was it. Any who how. Is there anyone even out there reading this? Or are you all out on the town living the dream. Lucky. 

Sunday, May 19, 2013

I'm a Little Drunk Right Now But...

This weekend was extremely successful. I have removed 2 garbage bags full of clothing that I haven't worn in foreverscape and cleaned out some other random stuff. I haven't vacuumed my room yet, but hey listen, we aren't all perfect. It was extremely therapeutic.

I've been thinking a bit about about something my friend said regarding my getting over of He Who Must Not Be Named. It's been a ridiculous road. Because I definitely took longer than the normal lady to get over him.

But the person who sad this to me has a remarkable record of finding someone else shortly after breaking up with their last lover. And I'm not saying that's good or bad, I'm just saying it it's a proven record in their personal history.

So I've just been wonder about that. What is the right amount of time to get over someone? How long does it take?

Because for me it took months. I am well aware how long it took me. And thank you to all my friends who put up with that because it was gross.

I guess I've logic-ed it down to it just being that each person is different. But how can that be. I've had friends who have gotten over someone in a matter of weeks but it takes me months? That just doesn't seem entirely right. But I guess I'm just looking for an opinion.

Opinions out there! Hello! Cause I can't figure it out. Why am I such a hot attached mess while my friends are moving on with their lives? Thoughts? Concerns? Comments? ...Help?

In other news.

Tequila. Who new?

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

I Have a Confession to Make

My plans for this weekend are outrageous. You're probably going to be jealous. So hold on to your fanny packs...

These are my big, huge, monumental, totally exciting plans:
(and the funny thing is I mean every word of that.)

Friday night I have awesome plans that include but are not limited to the following.

  • I'm going to hit up the gym on the way home, finally get back into The Host (side note: I don't know how the same woman that wrote Twilight wrote this book because shits good!)
  • Then I'm going to get home, sing some Disney songs in the shower, throw some clothes in the laundry and climb into bed. Where...
  •  I will watch Silver Linings Playbook, possibly followed by Gangster Squad (which I bought without ever seeing because the chemistry between Emma & Ryan is something that cannot be denied even if you think the movie is bad. I want them in every movie ever made by any person, take note Hollywood. Yes put them into The Grinch. While you're at it, I think they were missing from Lincoln. Also they should voice the next Disney & Pixar couple, STAT!)
Saturday will be a fun day of spring cleaning, mixed it with some more intense relaxing if I can find the time.
  • Time to do the Big Clothing Exchange from Winter to Summer wear!!! (I feel like The Price is Right theme should be playing there) I will also be doing "the purge" of those items that I do not wear. I would say that's roughly 78% of the items in my wardrobe. Can I please get some prayers that when I go through my clothes that I really purge them. Instead of holding it up and going "Oh gee, I dunno, what if?" God I'm so lame.
  • EthanRayne (my Ford Escape) desperately needs a bath. I know the pollen will probably just attack again, but her insides are gross as well and if I'm going to do the insides that I might as well do the outsides. Ok lets be honest, this may be a job for professionals. I may end up taking her to the car wash. (If "WORKING AT THE CARWASH! WOO OOO WOO OOO WOOO YEAH!!!" did not immediately pop into your head, than welcome my youthful reader!)
  • I then will give myself a pedicure. Maybe take a bath to round out the experience. I bought a groupon for a bunch of spa-like stuff and could just do that but I've come to the realization that if I leave my house on Saturday before the above tasks has been concluded they may never get done. 
  • At some point in this day I may catch a movie with with my faithful friend Bridget but as stated above, I am slightly worried that if I leave at all I will not complete any of the above tasks.
  • Finally, I intend on finishing or at least making some headway further into The Host. I'm really enjoying it but I literally put it down over a month ago, halfway through and haven't had time to pick it up. Hey, there's been a lot of good TV happening.
Sunday is a little up in the air, here are two solid happenings.
  • Church in the AM.
  • Emily's Birthday Tea in the afternoon. 
  • Beyond that I'm pretty open to reading and maybe catching up on Revolution (which I've been the worst fan of... sorry!)
I'm sure the majority of you read that and thought "Damn that is a productive weekend, how does this girl not have anything to do, how LAME is this HO?!" and I can honestly tell you this is the very first weekend that I have had NOTHING on the agenda beyond figuring out my life and spring cleaning. Ok, I may be exaggerating the "figuring out my life" notion. Really? ha. how boring would that be. To know what's next? How ridiculous... sigh. 

But I really am excited for this weekend of nothing to do but stuff around the house. I need it. Like need it, need it.

Oh and I'm going to sleep the shit out of my bed. Like sleep in all the way to 9 AM. Maybe 10 AM if I'm feeling really crazy. Woah. Get off the party train, wouldya? 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Prayers & Self Control

Lately I've realized that my self control is running on empty. If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie. And I fricken LOOOOVE that cookie. I need to fill this tank up, stat.

I think that all goes hand in hand with where I am emotionally in my life and something has kind of come to mind. When I feel like my life is spiralling out of control I do much better with my working out and my eating. This is because I know this is the one thing I can control. I can control what I eat and I can control when I work out.

But that knowledge does not help me when I'm happy with life. So frustrating. I know what I need to do but I just need to do it. So. Gross.

In other news, I've been meaning to start doing one post a week as a prayer. Kind of checking in with the Big Man all while letting you all in on the craziness that is my mind. You lucky ducks. I thought Sunday would be a good day but I'm usually busy on Sundays. Then thought "Monday, perfect way to shove off into a new week. Ahoy mateeees!" but then I kept forgetting to do it on Monday too. Anyway I've decided to just kick off today's post with a little something something to my Best Friend upstairs.



God, 

How's it going? Ehh I'm alright. Less about me, more about you. 

I guess I just want to thank you for everything I have going on. My family is all healthy, my friends are all healthy (for the most part. I mean some are kind of questionable mentally, but physically they're right as rain), I have a job that most days I love. So. Thanks, that's awesome. 

Hope things up there are going ok. I hope that those new members of your team are settling in alright. We've had kind of a rough year for the news worthy deaths, so although in my personal life things haven't been too wretched, I like to keep everyone in my prayers. Give them all a high five for me. 

I guess that's it for today. I don't want to forget to thank you for things, so if I do let me know cause that's rude. 

As always please guide me where you need me to go. Cause sometimes I'm super unsure. 

Keep it real. Chat soon.

Later,

Janice

Oh! Can you help me with the self control thing cause that is out of control!!!

Monday, May 13, 2013

2 Things My Body Decided Today

My body has suddenly decided 2 things.

Number 1: that today was for pastries.

Or maybe Bob decided that when he brought left over Mother's Day goodies in.

The rest of my meals were semi healthy and kind on track. But the 2 danishes were not. And the no work outs were not. I think I need a smack in my head. Any takers?

Number 2: that pollen and it are no longer friends.

They'll no longer get together for coffee. Or to go see the new hit movie that's out. And they definitely will not be grabbing drinks later.

I seriously hate it. Time to get Clariton Clear. Like, yesterday. 

Friday, May 10, 2013

The Mind's Eye

I don't like how I see myself. I mean everyone has something that when they look at a photo of themselves thinks "eeee gads!" but I just think it's really sad that I see pictures of myself and think "holy mother of arms that are big and flabby!"

It's just kind of sad that I think that. Especially since my arms are not that big and flabby, in real time.

This got me thinking about how many times in my life that I have been fit (not "skinny") but healthy and strong and at that time I still thought of myself as a huge gigantic mess. For an example, back in September 2012, right after Bridget's wedding when I looked a picture like this:


What I saw was this: 


When I looked at pictures like this:

+

All I saw was this: 


Double fisting of champagne aside, those first photos look nothing like those second photos. But in my mind they do. Which is crazy. THAT'S CRAZY!

How do we get there? At which point in our existence do we stop seeing ourselves as what we really look like?

The photo that really brought all of this to mind has a bunch of people in it from my acting class and in my mind, my arms look like a linebackers. Really, I'm pretty sure I could take out Michael Strahan. And somewhere in the confines of my mind I know this is untrue. I know that my arms are not the size of Vin Diesel's. But why is that how I see it?

I honestly don't have an answer for this one. And after a Monday & Tuesday of really locking up my eating habits, I fell horribly victim to a flash storm and flood and was cold and wet and the salads just would not do. So yeah, I ordered chinese. And now I feel like an ass because I need to lock up my self control. Then I saw the picture mentioned above and felt even worse. 

There isn't even something that I remember from once upon a time when someone said something to me about my arms being flabby and big. It just crept into my brain one day and made itself at home. I just wish I could fix it. I wish I (and everyone else!) could see myself the way that the rest of the world sees me. 

Right now I've gain the weight back that I lost for the wedding. Even more so because a lot of the work I had done was weight training work so all that muscle turned into flub. And the knowledge that I did it once, I can do again is in my brain, I just have to get back to that. 

But there are some things I have going for me. Yesterday at kickboxing I felt strong while holding the plank and pushup position. I felt like I could have stayed up there longer. Last weekend I ran proooooobably at least maybe 2 out of 3 miles in a 5K. I'm not completely out of shape, just not where I really want and hope to be. It's the tiny victories.

The thing that makes me most upset is knowing that their are young girls out there thinking the exact same thing as me. And they don't realize yet that they are enough, "huge" arms aside.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

What the actual f***?

THIS actually causes my gag reflex to start working over time. Like, the back of my throat feels gross and my stomach is upset.

This is what is wrong with our world and our society. Ugh. I can't even complete a whole sentence. My mind is literally running a thousand miles a minutes. How do people in this world still think like this? How do people still think this is ok?

Every single person in this universe, even the total douche buckets, are unique, special and beautiful in some sort of way. Essentially what A&F is saying is that, your weight defines who you are.

It doesn't.

A scale will never tell me how funny I am.
A scale will never tell me how compassionate I am.
A scale will never tell me if I'm helpful.
A size XL (which I bought the other day, FYI) does not tell me how well I do my job.
A size XL will never inform me as to whether or not I am a good person.

What makes A&F think that they should pass judgement on who I am, just because sometimes I have to purchase a size XL instead of a Large.

Further, just so we're on the same page Abercrombie and Fitch, your L is more of an S. You smug asshat.

Wanting to market to "the cool kids" is the most high school response I've ever heard and I spent the last two days with Middle and High Schoolers. Somebody had no friends growing up and I think his name is Mike Jeffries.

Please people, for the love of your daughters, nieces and friends, for all the young impressionable minds out there, show Abercrombie and Fitch that you'll take your business elsewhere. Even if that makes you "uncool."

And yes I plan on burning the ONE A&F shirt that I own. It's a Large. And I used to wear the shit out of it. Tarnishing your brand because I am one dorky little bitch.

YOU SUCK!