Whats It Like to be On My Mind?

What is it to be on my mind? There's a constancy to it. How it breathes and moves. The cracks and crevasses where dark thoughts hide. I hide there too. What is it to be on my mind? When sadness sets in and usual demeanors fade away. There's a fog to every thing I do. There is a weight to everything I am. It's grey in here, it's grey out there. There's a rain pitter pattering on me. Damp. damp. Wet. wet. Happiness gets lost in clay that sticks to the bottom of your shoe. And I have a heart that shatters by the intake of your breath. Right now, things are thin. The air and clouds and sun is thin with empty thoughts. What's it like to be on my mind?

My Biggest Fear

In my old age I've realized that my biggest fear has nothing to do with barnacles or spiders or heights or death. My biggest fear is being forgotten.

It's a lot to admit. And priding myself on being a rather strong person, its kind of a lame fear. If someone doesn't care enough to remember me then to hell with them.

But the thought of someone I care about forgetting me, leaves me in a state of near panic. My heart pounds and my breaths grow short. And the more I have cared for that person, the worse it gets.

I'm not ignorant enough to believe that I am so memorable. That there is something about me that makes me much more important and special than others. But I can hope.

And if you're happy, I'm more than happy.

But first I have to think about how, in my eyes, I am forgotten rather quickly. Like there is no smoke from our fire, because you put it out with water.

I still hurt & you've moved on.

I had thought that I had known heartbreak. I was wrong. Or perhaps, it's been so long that I've forgotten what it really feels like. And while you were over there, feeling the same way I did, everything was ok.

But now everything is broken open and brand new. Again I feel the seering pain of a broken heart. Again every breath hurts and every heart beat seems pointless.

Was what we had so fleeting that you could move on so quickly?

And it's irrational, because months have passed. It's not been quickly at all. But if it had been 3 years it would have been to short for you to forget about me.

They say that you never get over someone until you meet your new someone. I'm not sure that's true, I hope it is not. Because I'm miles away from finding that someone knew.

But for now I will fear that you will forget me. That you will be with someone who makes you happier than I ever could. That you will fall in love with someone who will make you want stay with them forever, figure it out so you can be together always. These are things that I both wish for and hate.

What is it about an ex finding someone new that makes you forget all of the reasons they became an ex in the first place?

Its hard to be alone with your thoughts.

Super Random

Last night I took a break from my period piece films (don't worry, Sense & Sensibility is in the DVD player right) to watch Super 8. I had heard that it was good but it was sooooo good.

It was like Lean on Me with a science fiction twist. As always Kyle Chandler was delectible & a pretty damn good actor too. I can't get into it to much because I refuse to give anything away, just see this movie.

But watching all these movies lately has made me realize how much I miss watching movies! I know it sounds ridiculous, but it really is a hobby of mine. And I'm kind of tired of being "embarassed" by it. I love it just as I love to see good theatre. I love it in the same way that I volunteered to work on my day off, because I love watching actors work and work well. There are some actors (and Chandler is one of them - if you haven't watched Friday Night Lights your missing out) that completely melt into their characters and you feel everything that they are feeling, as if they are in the room with them, as if you are a part of them.

And that's the whole point isn't it?

I miss acting. I didn't realize it until I was given an "extra" part in A Christmas Carol & then because of logistics it was then offered to another ASM. It all made perfect sense, you can't climb to a cat walk in a period piece gown. But I was sad.

I like to write because I like to escape into a world that I otherwise wouldn't be able to go to. In my books, the heroine always get's her man, she can travel anywhere in the world, she can travel anywhere in time. I can be anything. Go anywhere.

Acting empowers me to do the same. And I would like to see if I still have the chops. But I'm brokesky & I don't pretend to think that I can jump right back into it. I need some classes but I need some free classes. Any suggestions out there?

If anyones reading this. HELLOOOO! Is Rhonda there?????

Inside joke, if you get it you're the coolest.

Guilty

I am guilty of overly romanticizing love. Which is ironic because I'm completely incapable of being romantic. I have a small problem with the giggles. Whenever things get romantic, giggle fits ensue.

But over the last couple of days I've been diving into my favorite movies, one of them being BBC's new(er) version of Elizabeth Gaskell's North & South. I'm a Jane Austen girl & have only 2 novels yet to finish. I'm half way through Mansfield Park & after that it's onto Northanger Abbey, but once they are done I will dive into Gaskell's work, which is written in the same romantic manner as Austen, but takes place a few decades later.

North & South is a tale about the class difference and how it effects the pride and prejudices of those involved. Yeah, I would hate to presume but she may have read Austen.

Anyway the whole point of this is that you should watch it and for me to write about how amazing it is. The way that Mr. Thornton looks at Margaret Hale. I know it's just actors doing their jobs, but it's brilliant. Everyone should be looked at like that, at least once in their life. Or the moments when they're hands touch, long before romantic feelings have been professed, and both unknowingly linger that extra second, because it is all they will have of one another for a very long time.

I don't know. I guess I've romanticized love in such a way and my past relationships, one horrible, one amazing have ended because of it. Because I have a cookie cutter idea of how Jane Austen would have plotted my love story. And I love to escape into it, I love to watch Darcy seek out Lizzy's attention only to awkwardly (rudely) profess his love to a ridiculous girl who doesn't yet know what it is she is feeling.

I love Anne Elliott, who made the mistake of listening to poor advice in her youth and now suffers in watching Captain Wentworth court other women. I connect with her, constantly striving to do what is best and right for her family and those around her, while neglecting her own happiness. But, she get's her happy ending, when Wentworth realizes his pride is worth nothing in comparison with his love for Anne. His letter is one of the most beautifully written professions of love:

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I may have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to Bath. For you alone, I think and plan. Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others. Too good, too excellent creature! You do us justice, indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating, in

F. W.


I am not ignorant of the fact that these words were written by a woman, a woman who was much like me, getting older & perpetually single. Yearning to hear, just once (more), that you are the reason someone thinks and plans. Hopeful to know that you sink your voice but they can distinguish the tones of that voice when they would be lost on others.

I'm having a guilty pleasures type of day. Sue me.

I'm guilty of overly romanticizing love. Which is why I will probably die alone, clutching my Jane Austen novels to my chest. Maybe my dogs will gnaw off my face.

The Big Break Up

So I did it. I ended a 10 year long relationship last Friday when I broke up with my bank. I don't have reasons good enough for anybody, it's a bunch of little ones and none of them are my problem. They're all issues that family or friends have had that lead up to me wanting to peace out. And the fact that in my utter pathetic-ness my account is still linked to my parents and since they're abandoning ship I have to as well or face big charges for having NO money in my bank account. So I'm out.

But I did something stupid before I went last Friday. I put my paycheck into my account on Thursday so even though we broke up on Friday I had to wait until today to "get my stuff back." ie: get the remainder of my money.

Which I'm actually really happy happened. Because when I went in on Friday I had a male banker and guess what, he was kind of a douche. He was patronizing and kind of rude and short with me. Which, hey buddy, makes me never want to do business with you ever again. The woman that I had today was absolutely lovely, even though I was closing my account. We ended our conversation with her saying "If you ever decided to come back I'd love to be your banker and perhaps give you a better experience with us."

Now THATS how you do business. You never know, one day maybe I'll be leaving my new bank and maybe I'll come back. Probably not, but you made me seconde guess that fact for a split second.

So it took me about 4 weeks into the run of the show (A Christmas Carol) that big banks are Want & Ignorance. They are the ultamite Ebenezer Scrooge. They need some spiritual visits, stat.

And I'm not going to pretend that I'm so high & mightly, I've moved on to another bank. Not one quite as big as Chase, but still a big bank. I guess we can only hope & guess that it will get better soon. Maybe if a creepy ghost scares the crap out of them it will help.

What Is Happy?

I don't know. All I got is what's happy for me. And right now happy is working long days with people that make me laugh, cry and scream.

What is sad? I really don't know. Isn't it funny that it's the times when your most stressed that you miss people. You have no time for them but you want them.

I have a note for you, if you read this. I miss you. I miss having a someone all the time. And it wont work for you to continue to be that someone because you're moving on and I'm moving on (much slower, but still) and if I talk to you often it reminds me that you have a new life that doesn't include me. And isn't that the worst of it? Isn't that the part that just aches in the pit of your stomach? And I'm happy for you that you're on this new adventure, but I'm sad for me because you're doing it without me.

And maybe that's it. Maybe that's why I miss you so much these last few months. Not just because I'm busy and stressed and need a soft place to land but because I'm happy and I want to share it with you.

It's these times that make me forget all the logical, smart, right reasons that we said goodbye. It's times like this that make me want to call and say "one more time."

But I know it's not right and I know it wont work.

But you need to know, that I'm not ignoring you. It's self preservation.

Heavy for the first post in a month.

Heavy
Heavy
Heavy
Down
Down
Down

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy lying in bed and I can't fall asleep and there's a noise I've never heard before creeping in my head.

creeping in my head.

Oly Oly Oxyfree!!!

So that title doesn't make complete sense because that's what you all should be saying in regards to finding me, because I've been in hiding. But not really.

About 2 and 1/2 weeks ago my phone rang & I was shocked to hear the words "This is Mallory from The Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey..." I have handed in my resume there umpteen times and have yet to get a response. 2 months after the last time I handed it in, I got one!

They needed another ASM for their production of To Kill A Mockingbird & because I know someone who knows someone, I got the call. I was so nervous that I almost vommed before my first day. But everyone has been amazing and I've met some incredible people. Hopefuly, fingers crossed it will lead to other opportunities.

My job is not glamorous & the first few weeks were plagued with 11 hour days. But when people would ask "how's work" I would look at them with blank stares, because it feels nothing like work. I'm on my feet pretty much all day, running around getting things for people, lugging trees off stages & rolling windows on. But it's been the best time I've had in a while.

The pay isn't great, I am still utterly pathetic & stuck home with mom and dad forever. But it's a toe in the door at a very very professional and prestigious theatre. Plus I get to watch some truly talented actors work, which has been my favorite part.

I know I've been MIA but now that the show has opened I will have more free time. So, hope to write to you all again soon.

Love your faces.

J Mac

God Speed

Titanic is on. I haven't watched this movie in years. It's making me tear up already. Good gracious.

I really should turn it off because the last time I watched this movie I started believing I was reincarnated from the Titanic. I'll give you a minute to laugh about that.

Right now in this moment Jack & Fabrizio & that super hot Irish guy are breaking the gate down. I flippin' love this movie.

The whole idea of Titanic upsets my stomach. But the worst of it. The absolute worst. Is how they locked the lower class below deck like animals. There were children down there. They were people to. It makes me ill to think about the fact that they just left them there to die. I'm tearing up right now thinking about it.

And the wind instruments playing on while the boat sank. How the boat needent sink. How there were hundreds of small reasons why it sank when it shouldn't have. Blerg.

Can you tell Titanic gets my head all facadad and I'm not making any sense right now. It makes me so sad. What a cheery post...

God speed Titanic.

Random Shiz.

I've been a sucky blog poster lately. sorry champs. Yesterday was another day that I was on the go for pretty much the whole day. I helped my friend, who is running for town council, put her signs up around the neighborhoods. It was a long day but a rewarding one. We got a lot done and then ate really crappy food to thank ourselves. Haha.

Ugghh I cannot seem to shake whatever bug this is. It's very annoying. I've felt gross for almost 2 weeks now. Maybe it's allergies? I sure hope not cause it's nasty.

Tomorrow I need to get back to the gym-arooni. Seriously guys. I've been such a slacker. But it's so hard when I feel like such poop. Blerg. And on top of that my diet has not been stellar. Merp. I know I feel better when I stay on top of all that. But it just sooo much tastier otherwise.

Pathetic Really Is the New Black

So I did it today players. I woke my ass up at 3:15, showered, ate and hopped in the care. Oh yeah, I rocked out the American Idol auditions.

It was definitely fun & Ryan Seacrest is super adorable & extremly friendly. He made a point to talk to everyone that he could and was very sweet.

I got to the Izod center at 4:45 and hung out. Then they had a pose in an 11 while the camera scanned over us and we screamed our brains out.

After that we file inside & it was fairly quick. 4 of us walked up in front of 2 "producers" or "production judges" or "interns" who knows. All 4 of my companiions were talented but apparently none of us were the right "calibar" then he said something about last season raising the bar. I'm not sure I believe that. haha.

At that point I was really exhausted anyway so I was kind of relieved bc if you did get a golden ticket you had to stick around for a second audition.

Anyway, I'm crazy tired now. I really don't know if I'm going to make it through Grey's let alone 2 whole flippin' hours of it. Gross. I'm so excited to go to bed. Love you lots!!

Emmy Schmemmy

So last night was the Primetime Emmys and they were spectacular! I honestly cannot remember the last time I enjoyed an award show so much! Every time I watch award shows like this one it makes me jealous. Jealous and kind of mad at myself for never trying. I think it's the watching of actors as actual people, not as their characters. And how they're all friends and such. Anyways, that's over.


Jane Lynch's Opening Number was hilarious with great cameos. My favorite was the Friday Night Light boys, I'll always have a soft spot for those guys!

The night was kicked off with a bunch of great but expected wins. Julie Bowen & Ty Burrell took home the Outstanding Supporting Emmys for Modern Family. Which I think is kind of awesome cause they play husband and wifesky. Love it!

The Outstanding Comedic Actress nominess stoll the show with their impromptu performance. Well at least they pulled it off like it wasn't planned. And it was hilarious! But then when it was announced that one of the dark horses, Melissa McCarthy, won and all of their faces were actually extactic for her, that was another one of those moments that I was way jealous. I love her, she's hysterical and it was well deserved. Though all these woman are hilarious I was rooting for Melissa or Martha Plimpton. What can I say, I have a thing for the underdog.

The Lonely Island's montages was ridiculous as always, The sound is off a little on this but you get the idea.

And my Friday Night Lights finally got some of the recognition they deserved over the last 4 or 5 years. Jason Katims won for Outstanding Writing and Kyle Chandler won for Outstand Lead Actor. Though Connie Britton didn't win, I think that the competition was really stiff in both categories and a nod to one of them is a nod to both. They wouldn't be Tammy & Eric Taylor without one another. Love you so much FNL, best show on TV for sure.

Finally for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series, Margo Martindale took it home for her role in Justified. I never watch this show but from the clips shown last night it was very well deserved. I can't lie I kind of love the fact that not one, but 2 chubs took home the little winged man last night. Maybe, finally, it's being recognized that being able to act has nothing to do with how you look.

Anyway, I'll get off my soap box. Got a lot to do today because Gregor get's here tomorrow!!! Holler!!! So excited to see him & listen to the sultry sounds of his voice. Word.

My Favorite Jane Austen Love Letter

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach. You pierce my soul. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a heart even more your own, than when you almost broke it eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that man forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you. Unjust I have been, weak and resentful I have been, but never inconstant. You alone have brought me to bath. For you alone I think and plan. - Have you not seen this? Can you fail to have understood my wishes? - I had not waited even these ten days, could I have read your feelings, as I think you must have penetrated mine. I can hardly write. I am every instant hearing something which overpowers me. You sink your voice, but I can distinguish the tones of that voice, when they woudl be lost on others. - Too good, too excellent creature. You do use justice indeed. You do believe that there is true attachment and constancy among men. Believe it to be most fervent, most undeviating in

                                                                                                                      F.W.

My Week in TV

So this week I've only watched 2 new shows. Ringer with Sarah Michelle Gellar and The Secret Circle. Also I feel I would be remiss (sp?) if we didn't talk a little bit about my other new favorite show, Awkward.


Awkward may be my new favorite show ever. It's hysterical number 1 and secondly the ridiculous situations the main character Jenna (Ashley Rickards) gets sucked into are not that far from what high school was really like for most of us. The show is an examination of an outsider who, after ironic circumstances returns to school as a "suicide" survivor, comes out of her shell and truly learns to be herself. The characters are all fun, funny & interesting. The arch nemisis Sadie (played to absolute perfection by Molly Tarlov) is a chubby cheerleader who has it out for Jenna because of her recent social climbing. But through episodes you find out that Sadie is just as damaged as Jenna she just has very different, and vial, ways of expressing that pain. You're welcome. I know this doesn't sound like a comedy but it really is. Super snarky and always making me giggle. Plus there's the love interests of Matty (Beau Mirchoff) and Jake (Brett Daver), both sweet guys with very mixed up priorities, both make my heart go pitter patter. Especially Matty's "wounded dog you have to love me and forgive me for sleeping with you and telling you I don't want a gf" face. Get's me every damn time. And if you only watch for Sadie's bitchiness and best friend Tamara's (Jillian Rose Reed) ridiculousness, than that's enough but add in the amazingness that is Jenna's mom & guidance counselor and hijinks ensues. I promise you want to check it out. You will not be dissapointed.


I wish I could say the same about Ringer. We all know I absolutely love SMG. She's my girl all way back to Kendall on All My Children. But Ringer actually began like an episode of Buffy, except that this time SMG couldn't throw off her assaulant with on blow to the midsection. She wriggled and screamed and eventualy scooted her way out from under him. The show was kind of ridiculous and not in a good way. I really don't have much to say for it besides that. I like a lot of the actors in this show & I know for a fact that the pilot can sometimes not showcase a shows potential (Friends anyone?). So I will give Ringer another shot, but probably not too many more. Hopefully it will get better soon, or maybe hopefully not. Than the Buffster will realize she should do the BtVS movie we've all be calling for!

Finally, I'm all about The Secret Circle. I watched last night's episode and it's whats up. The show opens with young Cassie losing her mother in what was seemingly an accident, but the audience knows otherwise. Cassie, having lost her father years before, then must return to her mother's home town to live with her grandmother. A town that her mother fled 16 years prior. Now Cassie is confronted with secrets from her parents past and 5 classmates who want her to join their circle. Of course there is the stereotypical bitchy girl, the sweet girl, the edgy nice girl, the pretty boy who knows it and the overly nice guy who's "meant" for Cassie. But all these characters are played with the knowledge of who they are and by young fresh actors. The actress that plays Faye, Phoebe Tonkin is absolutely stunning and equaly terrifying. You know she's meant to be dancing on the edge of evil witch, but there is a vulnerability to her as well. Cassie is played by Brittany Robertson who has had a few pretty good roles in the past that unfortunately didn't last and I think she will do really well in this role. Thomas Dekker plays the, in some ways betrothed to Cassie, nice guy and I have to admit that even I fell for him a little last night. This is definitely a show to give a shot, especially if you like the supernatural. As I Buffy fan, I put my STAMP of approval.

Last Chapters. Hope you liked it!

Dockside

By Janice McCrostie 

Chapter 21                                                                                                                             

Maeve pulled up to the house and threw the Beamer into park. She hadn’t seen his truck waiting in the driveway until it was too late. She laid her head against the steering wheel wishing the cool leather was enough to calm her down. It didn’t work. How had all this happened? A year ago she had been living in New York City with a life that should have been perfect. But it wasn’t.

Maeve had come to Maine not knowing who she was or how she’d come this far not knowing and now somehow it seemed to all make sense. She was slowly becoming a stronger person, but this was not the place to do it.

“Jesus!” The tap on her window made her jolt and hit her head on the wheel.

She looked up at Keaten. He looked seriously pissed.

“Where the fuck have you been?” He said through the window.

She gave him the one minute index finger and leaned over the passenger seat, wiping the leftover stained tears from her eyes.

“There’s no reason for you to be here,” she said as she opened the door and climbed out.

“Stop being such a stuffy bitch.” No one had ever spoken to her like that before.

“I…” Maeve stopped, how could she explain to Keaten that she had to stay way from him? Self preservation. “I’m just sorry and tired so…”

Maeve pushed past him and walked up onto the porch, stumbling on the top step. She almost fell apart right then, in front of him, in front of the dark woods around them. That was the mystery of Maeve’s life. Her mantra had always been to never let any man see her cry, not one of them deserved it. When Sam had left her that night on the beach, she hadn’t cried, not there. Not until her automatic lock didn’t work on her car and the alarm began to sound. Then she leaned against the car and sobbed for hours, listening to the waves hit the shore as her entire plan collapsed. It was the tiny moments when life just seemed to be twisting the knife in her side that pushed Maeve over the edge. Not now.

Her hand shook as she put the key in the door; she only had to get inside.

But he was right there.

“I think I deserve some sort of explanation.” His lips were inches from her ear.

She pulled away and put her things down on the futon.

“What would you like to know Keaten? Please tell me how I can make you feel better?”

She turned to face him straight on.

“You can start with the fact that I haven’t seen you in weeks.”

“Before that it was eight years and you didn’t seem to have a problem with that.”

“Stop being funny Mae, I’m not in the mood.”

“I’m not trying to be funny I’m just trying to…”

“What, what are you trying to do?”

There was more silence then, because Maeve really didn’t know how to answer this question so that he would understand. What was she trying to do? Mostly keep her sanity. Could she tell him that? Could she trust him with that piece of her?

“I had to figure some stuff out in my head.”

“You about done?”

“Not nearly.”

The corner of his mouth perked up in a half smile.

“Keaten it’s just…”

“Let me tell you what I’ve worked out in my head. In my head, you’re there, all the time, even when I don’t want you to be. You’re there when I’m out on my boat working, you’re there when I’m eating dinner with Pop, having beers with the guys. And, you were there most recently when Rachel called telling me she missed me.” He stood at the door seeming to be a permanent fixture. And that, Maeve knew, was half the problem.

“I don’t need to hear this.” She walked towards the door and gestured to the open space.

But he was faster and whipped her around slamming the door. He wrapped his arms around her waist, brushing his nose gently against hers.

“Don’t you see? I’m done Maeve. You’re it for me. And I think I knew that when I was thirteen and your sister dared me to kiss you. And that engagement eight years ago was an attempt at being whole, I should have known. I should have followed you that night, but I waited and the next morning you were gone. Now you’re here again and I can see you and touch you and smell you whenever I need to. Three weeks was too long, don’t do that to me again.”

And then his lips were on hers, with urgency and softness in complete contradiction. His right hand moved up to gently cup her face, but his left gripped at her hip pressing him against her and Maeve against the cool door.

“So?” There was more confidence in his voice then would have been expected for someone who basically just poured their heart out.

“What would you like me to do Keaten? Swoon over you? Fall dramatically into your arms?”

“That would be a nice start.” His shirt was off in a matter of seconds.

“What are you doing?” It was drawn out by Maeve’s complete shock. She just stared as his hands began unbuttoning her jeans.

 “Eight years.” he started pulling her towards the bedroom. “Eight years since I’ve been with you, I’m done waiting.”

Maeve’s hands dropped, but he kept going into the room. She waited, he’d realize eventually that she wasn’t behind him. When he popped his head back out she said the first thing that came to mind.

“I love you.”

“Well that’s good.” he was nearly glowing as he walked towards her, which was an odd shade for a Lobster man. “Cause I’m never letting you go.”

The next morning Maeve woke to noises of her sister stumbling in the sliding door. She looked over at Keaten sleeping next to her and a smile broke across her face. This was really happening. After kissing Keaten’s cheek, she slipped out from under the sheets and opened her door just in time to see Clare slip upstairs.

“Good to see you’re alive.” Maeve said as she tapped on her sister’s door. Clare had her duffle back on her bed and she was quickly stuffing clothes inside. “Where are you headed?”

 “Ahh.” Clare looked up and her face was kind of confused. “So, uhh, I love Jasper, there’s that.”

Maeve couldn’t help but laugh, not because of her sister’s admission but because it was crazy that it was all happening.

“Yeah.” Clare continued, “weird huh?”

“Not weird, I’m just surprised you realized it so quickly. I thought we’d have a least another month of this will they wont they junk.” Maeve curled up on the bed.

“Ha. Ha.” she disappeared into the bathroom and came back with her razor and makeup bag. “We’re getting out of here for a while, his family has a place in Chicago and I’ve never been.” Clare watched her sister to be sure that Maeve wasn’t going to explode on her for leaving, but she just smiled.

“I think I’ll be ok.”

“Yeah I did happen to notice Keaten’s truck outside. Nice.” Clare threw her bag up onto her shoulder and there was a honk from below. “Gotta go!”

Before leaving the room Clare stopped and turned, “I never would have survived this without you.”

“No.” Maeve grinned, “Jasper never would have survived this without me.”

“True.” and Clare hoped out the door, yelling over her shoulder. “I’ll call you with our stats!”

“Amazing.” she heard the creaking of the stairs and Keaten’s half naked body popped around the corner. “Hey.”

“I say we get a shower,” he pulled her up off the bed, “then go pick up Jackson and head to Bangor.”

“Why are we going to Bangor?” he pulled her along, and for a minute she thought he wasn’t going to answer her.

“Well, my son,” he paused, “our son and I, would like to buy you a ring.” 

EPILOGUE                                                                                                                           

Clare came bouncing down the stairs at an alarming velocity, luckily Jasper was there to catch her. “Hi.”

He took in her cobalt blue satin dress. “You look amazing.”

“Why thank you sir!” she put on her worst impersonation of a southern bell. “Is everyone here?”

“Yes, your parents and Grace just arrived.”

“Great.” Clare couldn’t hide her disdain at the mention of her mom.

“Clare, just stick to talking about me. Your mother loves me.”

“That’s the understatement of the century.”

Jasper wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in for a long deep kiss. “Now go.”

She groaned and skulked off to her sister’s room, where she would undoubtedly have to deal with her mother criticisms. But when she pushed open the door and saw her sister, her spirits immediately rose.

Maeve stood in a floor length off white dress covered with lace. It clung to her body in all the right places and she looked stunning. Her hair was draped over her shoulder and down her back in soft waves.

“You ready?” Maeve blurted out at her sister, which was ironic considering. “What Jasper didn’t tell you this is double wedding?”

Clare scoffed, but the deadpan look on Maeve’s face sent her heart fluttering. “What, I, are you? Shut the fuck up!”

“Clare, don’t use such language, your sister is joking.” Mommy dearest licked at her finger and rubbed something from her sister’s cheek.

“Jasper’s book is number one in the U.K.”

“Oh that’s wonderful!” Mom turned towards her and her face fell, “you look lovely dear, that shade of blue is interesting.”

“Mom.” Maeve’s arm fell securely on Clare’s shoulders. “I picked the color and I think it’s fucking sexy as hell.”

They looked at one another. How in just under a year they’d come so far Clare would never know, but here it was the end of August and Maeve was getting married and Jasper was still around.

“You girls. Where is your father?! The ceremony starts in exactly 10 minutes.” and she was out the door like the wistful woman she’s always been.

“I’m really not getting married today right?”

“So gullible.” Maeve sang as she wondered toward the door. “I think you’re up, Jaspers at the front.”

“What?!”

She laughed as she stepped out of the room and Clare gave herself one more look in the mirror, she did look hot.

As she made her way down the isle her heart began to pound, but then her eyes met Jasper’s. He was seated near the front next to her parents and the look on his face was something that she would never trade.

Jasper was it for her, he didn’t put up with her shit and he made her laugh, mainly when he said something ridiculously white collar. When they said opposites attract, God must have had the two of them in mind.

Clare watched her sister say vows that a year ago she thought she’d never make. But even though the main event was 4 feet away, she couldn’t help but glance over at her man. He was watching her too and Clare knew he was thinking the exact same thing. Before the year was up they’d be doing something along the same lines as her sister and Keaten. Except if she had anything to do with it, an Elvis impersonator would be involved someway.

There were a few words exchanged to her left and Clare was making her exodus down the isle behind her sister’s new family. Jackson reached up and Keaten lift the boy to his hip. He was getting too big for it, but Clare could see on his father’s face that he would do it until his son stopped asking.

Jackson leaned down from his dad’s arms and whispered something in Maeve’s ear. She smiled up at him and pulled him in to slather his face in kisses.

“Mom!” he cried out in the disgust of an eight year old and wiggled out of his dad’s arms.

“What are you thinking right now?” Jasper was behind her and she turned to draper her arms around his neck.

“I’m thinking how I need a drink.” she kissed him once. “And you.”

Find The Beat Again

Three things that really chap my ass right now. Oh yeah, I just said "chap my ass"...

1. When I finish all the funny articles in Readers Digest cause I know the depressing ones are going to make me cry.

2. Online dating. Even though I just joined a site. Hey I have to get you guys back to reading somehow. So far it's been a few randoms and a few more weirdos.

3. People who don't use there blinker.

That last one is pretty much all the time. Let's be real honest.

Today I think I realized what my damn problem is. I'm just so tired. Not physically all the time, just tired of being the person that I am right now. I don' t hate who I am, I think I just hate where I'm at.

And it's just a matter of waiting, waiting to see what's just around the river bend (Thanks Pocahontas)

But isn't that's what's exhausting.

I think that this needs to be my new mantra. blerg.

Tomorrow is the last new chapter day. please be sure to collect your tissues before reading...

My Prayer. Right Now. As In, Today.

Dear God,

I need some help. I'm a little lost. Maybe if I explain how I feel You'll get it.

I feel like I'm floating outside myself. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel like I'm a little broken.

Sometimes I think that the reason You haven't got me all settled yet is because I'm supposed to work on me & do great things as me before that happens. But I'm so tired.

I know very well that my greatest critic is me. And that everyone out there is more worried about their own shiz than mine. Further I know that You have a lot more important things to worry about than whether or not I'm comfortable.

You've given me so much & I feel very greedy asking for more, but I have to.

I need a direction. I need a sign. I need something to hold onto before I drown.

But God, what I think I need most of all is my spark back.

If I could just get that I think I'd be ok. I think I'd be able to sift through it all and dig myself out. Hence leaving You to deal with the more important things. Like the sick people, the hungry people, the angry people, the hurtful people, like the Tea Party.

I guess it started about a month ago, You know when. When my broken heart was compounded by the pieces from 5 years ago, multiplied by ten & then forced back into my chest.

And God if you could give me the guts to talk to people, to ask for help, to vocalize that I'm not ok. I don't know why that's the hardest part for me.

I don't want to be a failure. I want to be great. Great for You & great for me. Great for the world. I want to make a difference. I want to be the best person I can be.

Isn't that just how it is, when you think you've dug yourself out of the hole, the dirt gives way and you slide back in?

But I can still see the stars. I can almost reach them. I think I just need a boost.

I bet in a month I'll see the path You set out for me, I'll see why things have been the way they are. Why I've been in such a funk. Everything will be better in due time.

Thank You for everything You have blessed me with. Family and a roof over my head. Friends that make me laugh. Thanks for being The Man.

Love ya lots,

Janice

write what you know.

This is what I know to be absolutely true in my life:

1. I'm overweight.
2. I can write.
3. I have amazing friends and family.
4. I annoy myself.
5. There's a ring on my left middle finger that I'm not sure will ever come off.
6. The real reason # 5 bothers me is that it wont look so good with a wedding band.
7. I may never wear a wedding band.
8. I f-ing love the fall.
9. I will always miss Glasgow & want to go back.
10. The past that you miss isn't there anymore.
11. I will always have a wanderlust.
12. I'm losing the break-up.
13. I'm a gross person. I find gross things funny. And I share those thing. People think I'm not wholey a girl.
14. I'm an extremely jealous person. (if you combined 13 and 14, I could be male)
15. I'm chicken shit.
16. I'm an idiot.
17. I second guess everything I do.
18. I know exactly what I need to do. I'm just to scared to do it.
19. I was by a fire so much this weekend that my nose still smells like smoke. So it's not my hair.
20. I don't drink often but when I do, I drink too much.
21. I need another job so that I have some money to save so that I don't beat myself up so much.
22. I escape into literature.
23. My mother is cleaning the shower right now. She wants a new one for Christmas, but I just don't see how we can surprise her with that without her knowing. Especially since we only have one shower. hmmm. Should we bring back the sponge bath now so she doesn't get suspicious?
24. I'm trying to get to 27.
25. I'm writing a book. Two books actually. And I like them both, let's see what happens. I've given myself the deadline of my birthday this year to finish the first draft of at least one of them.
26. I'm very confused.
27. I made it to 27.

I'm sure there are more things that I can be certain of right now. I'm sure there are other things that are important. More important. But this is the cliffs notes version of what's going on in my head right now.

I was out of my rut. But things change so quickly. My heads a mess. And so am I. Write what you know.

Cyber Space's To Don't List: Eat My Blog Post

Grr I have a blemish (PIMPLE) on the side of my mouth and it makes me look like I have herpes. I don't. Not that people who have herpes are any less lovely than those that do. It just hurts me when I take bites of my cheerios this morning.

Again I wrote an entire entry to be lost to cyber space. So irritating. So before I gave you my To Do: List. It included fun things like cleaning and working out until the world ends (much like Britney Spears has chosen to dance until the world ends) But now I don't have time to relist them cause I'm interupting all the shiz I have to do with going to see The Help with my momasita.

Catch you all on the PILF slide. (get it? do you get it????)

2nd to Last New Chapter(s) Day!!!

Only one more chapter and the epilogue. Prepare your tears of sadness now for no more new chapter days! I'll get some tissues for you...

Dockside

By Janice McCrostie

Chapter 19                                                                                                                             

When Maeve found Clare, she was just about to climb into her purple Saturn and head out to an old hiking area that she knew of to take some photos. But when the door to the beamer slammed, she knew her plans had just taken a turn.

"What's up?"

There were beads of sweat rolling down Maeve's face. In any other state in early August, that would be from the heat, but not here.

"Who the fuck do you think you are?!" Clare's eyes widened, she'd never officially heard her sister use that word. "How could you tell Keaten about Sam?"

Clare hadn't been expecting this, the son of a bitch had ratted her out. She'd told him that with the strict knowledge that if Maeve ever found out she would kill her. Now she was going to die.

"I thought he deserved to know the whole truth before he attempted anything. I thought he would understand the weight of things better." Her face squinched up in hope that the explanation would be enough.

"Do you even believe that line of crap?"

"Yeah, I mean yeah."

"This is just like you Clare, sticking your nose in other people’s business and screwing it up! Why don't you stick to ruining your own life!?"

That was a low blow.

"Well someone has to run your life Maeve, considering your just wasting it with your 'whoa is me' bullshit."

"Excuse me?"

"You mope around like the world is out to get you just because you've been hurt a few times... I have a diagnosis for you - GET OVER IT!" she pulled open the Saturn door.

"You know what Clare, you're a bitch. And you're also one to talk, the first time you actually feel something for someone you push them as far away as you can get them. I don't know why I even bothered trying to help him figure your wacked self out!"

"Oh oh! Oh oh! So you can talk about me with Jasper but I can't talk to Keaten about you?"

“It’s different and you know it Clare!” Maeve’s voice crack and she turned away from her sister and yanked the beamer door shut behind her.

In the dust that surrounded her Clare couldn’t help but notice the poetry. Again she was being blamed for breaking something that was broken to begin with.

“Nice. Amazing. Wonderful.” she muttered as she climbed into her driver’s seat. Now more then anything she need to clear her head.

Clare took the curve of the island road with ease. She’d been driving on this island since she was 13 and even though it had been nearly seven years since she had been down this particular road it felt like just yesterday. This was the road her grandmother had taken her down when she had gotten into a huge fight with her mother. They come around that very turn in the road when Gram pulled off.

“So would you like to tell me what’s going on with you and your mother?”

“I hate her.”

“You’re going to have to do better than that, every thirteen year old girl in history hates there mother.”

And Clare unloaded it all. How she never fit in with this family and how her mother never accepted her individuality. Who cares if she dyes her hair purple? What does it matter? Inside it was still Clare, just a little more colorful. But that was never good enough for mom.

Her grandmother just sat and listened, for hours Clare was sure now. She sobbed and screamed and if she remembers at one point took a swing at Gram for trying to comfort her.

The memory made Clare shudder and come back to the present. But it wasn’t in time. The hilly curve had come up much more quickly then she remembered and the car began to skid across the wet pavement. She unsuccessfully tried to regain control.

“Oh shit! Oh shit!”

Her Saturn hit the tree going a measly 25 miles per hour but it felt like 100. She didn’t move, why hadn’t her air bag deployed? Because she hadn’t gotten it fixed after her last fender bender. Was she bleeding? No. Her eyes cleared and she could see that the front right portion of the car was hugging the tree.

Clare took a deep breath and the air in the car was stale. She didn’t have it in her to turn the window knob, so she moved to pop open the door but it was already gone.

“You know it’s customary to hit the breaks when you come to a curve like that, especially in the rain.”

“Jasper.” Clare gasped and began to shake.

“It’s alright. Anything broken? Are you still in one piece?”

“I think so.” She put her hand to head. “My head hurts.”

“I would suspect so, what were you thinking?”

She made an attempt to glare at him for a moment, but her shaky demeanor and the genuine concern in his eyes softened her response.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

For a minute his face looked much like her fathers would have and she waited for him to lay into her about how stupid and irresponsible she had been.

“Ok, let’s get you out of here, shall we?”

He supported her with his right hand as he held the door open with the left. She staggered a bit when all her weight hit her legs. With one arm he held her.

“Sorry.” Clare whispered into his shoulder.

There was an intake of breath and Clare couldn’t help but notice that he had smelled her hair.

“Are you smelling me Doctor, in my hour of need does my shampoo do it for you?” His answer was a frustrate grunt as he swept her legs out from underneath her and began walking towards his Range Rover. She laid her head on his shoulder. “What are you doing out here Jasper?”

“My cabin is out here, I was on my way out when I saw your ridiculous purple car kiss that tree.”

“Out where?” He opened his passenger door and placed Clare inside, gently reaching across to buckle her seat belt.

“You have a lot of questions for someone whose car was just totaled.”

“She’s not totaled just beat up a little.”

Jasper smiled at her and closed the door; she followed him with her eyes as he walked around the hood of the car.

“How’s your neck?”

“A bit sore.”

He reached over and put a hand on her face, tenderly ran his thumb along her cheek bone. “Let’s get you home.”

But as he pulled away from the side of the road he turned the car towards the dead end. Apparently by home, he had meant his.

Clare knew she had to bite the bullet and call her sister because there weren’t many purple Saturn’s on the island and if word got back to Maeve that one was wrapped around a tree she would freak out.

“I’m fine Maeve, honestly. Jasper’s taking good care of me. He had Dr. Houston come out. He paid him in cash…” She whispered into the receiver.

“Maybe I should come and get you Clare…”

“No, I’m fine. Honestly. Dr. Houston said I’m not allowed to sleep until after midnight and I would just be a distraction at the house. I’ll just stay here on the couch.”

“Sure you will. Where’s your car?”

“Jasper had Frank tow it to his shop.” There was a long silence on the line. “Maeve I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. Goodbye dear sister.”

That was the greatest part about their months on the island, they’d come to a place were a few words could fix anything.

Maeve looked out over the harbor and couldn’t help but wonder what was unfolding in Jasper’s little cabin right now. Of all people to find her, it had to be him. Fate works in very funny ways.

The sun was beginning to turn the sky shades of peach and yellow and Maeve knew it was time to go. This wasn’t where she was meant to be.

Moving here had been a mistake, this wasn’t the right thing for her to do right now.

When Clare came down off her back in love with Jasper high she would break the news to her. Explain that even though she was having an amazing time and that she loved her very much, it hurt to much to be here now. She had romanticized what would happen and as usual it didn’t turn out at all as it should have. She would tell Clare that if she could wish one thing for her it would be that she would stop closing herself off from really feeling things and that she would never get to 28 without being in love. Or hell without being in a real relationship.

It had been a huge mistake to come here and by the end of the week, maybe two, Maeve would fix it.

Chapter 20                                                                                                                             

“My sister’s worried you’re going to take advantage of me in my weakened state.” Clare walked into the kitchen and leaned across the island counter.

“Obviously she doesn’t know you very well if she isn’t worried about me.”

“Huh. Maybe that is what she meant.” A broad smile spread across her face. “That smells delicious, when can I get some of that.”

“When you go lay down on the couch instead of making me nervous by teetering on the counter like that.”

“What a grouch.”

Clare turned and walked back into the living room. “You’ve got a nice place here captain.” It was the first time since he’d carried her inside that Clare actually noticed the cabin. Yet that wasn’t the right word for it, lodge was more the word.

The front door opened to a lofted ceiling living space. A huge stone fire place divided the kitchen from the chocolate leather couches and huge corduroy chair. She ran her fingers along the top of the couch and looked at the art work that hung on the walls. Not what you would expect for a lodge in the woods of Maine. Beautiful landscapes with just a hint of darkness. The particular one that caught her eyes was of a bright field, stretched in front of a dark forest. The colors contradicted one another entirely, the green of the field was cheerful, almost calming. But when you looked up into the woods behind it you felt despair, not quite able to see between the trees, but at the same time you knew there was something there.

Just then he walked up behind her, she smelled the tray of breakfast food before she heard his steps. Clare turned and threw herself onto the large corduroy chair.

“Could you be a little more delicate with that, it is one of a kind and it’s been through quite a lot.”

“Oops, it is?! Sorry.” She patted the cushions.

“I wasn’t referring to the furniture.” Jasper placed the tray of eggs, bacon and toast on her lap.

“Suave.”

“Thank you.” He sat down across from her on one the leather couch. “So would you like to tell me what you were doing today, far out from civilization driving like a maniac?”

“Well…” Clare’s mouth was full; it felt like she hadn’t eaten in days. Had she? “I was looking for something.”

“Which was?”

Clare stopped chewing and watched the floor, as if the answer to the question would change.

“I’m not sure.”

The weight in her words let Jasper know not to push and Clare finished her food in silence. He stood and took her plate to the sink. She watched him walk away; their playful afternoon had taken a turn with three words. Why did Jasper always brought out the honest side of her?

Clare always told the truth, when it came to other people. Yes that dress does make your ass look big, no I don’t think you should marry your boyfriend, you do know that you’re an asshole right? But she rarely told the truth about herself, about what was going on in her own mind.

When he came back into the room she sat just as she had when he left. Cross legged at the edge of the chair.

He crossed the room, climbing onto the chair behind her. With no hesitation he lifted Clare onto his lap and she curled against him.

“No sleeping,” he whispered into her hair.

“Not going to be a problem.” She breathed in his scent. Having no idea what designer name it was, she loved it, had loved it since the first time she’d met him. They lay together like that, not using words, but communicating completely what the other was thinking.

The room began to darken as the sun snuck down behind the trees.

She turned her face up towards his and kissed his neck. It seemed natural, like she’d been doing it for years.

Jasper looked down at her and there eyes met.

“How did you find me?” she asked.

“I was just leaving on an errand…”

“No. I don’t mean… never mind.” Clare pulled away. “I think I’d like some tea, do you think we could make some tea?”

“Clare,” he held onto her hand and waited until she turned back to face him to answer her question. “I don’t know. Why are you scared of me?”

“I’m not scar… I mean, why would I be…? What are you…?” She scoffed.

“Let me ask you something else then. What are you waiting for?”

“I’m…” She did know the answer to that, but she didn’t know if she was ready to tell him. She didn’t know whether she was willing to tell Jasper that she was waiting for him to be disappointed and decide she wasn’t worth it. That in him, she often saw her mother.  A mother who never thought she was good enough. A mother who she was constantly trying to impress, that she was the stereotypical girl with issues.

“Sometimes I wish you would just be honest with me.” Jasper finally spoke up.

“I am honest with you. That’s the problem, that’s why I can’t talk right now. Because when I open my mouth, there’s no stopping the fact that you’re going to find out the truth.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that”

“There’s so much wrong with that Jasper!” Clare felt the verbal throw up. Could she keep it in, should she? She got up and crossed to the fire place. As she picked at the stones she looked over at him. He was looking at her in a way that no man ever had. Like there was no mistake big enough and no matter what she said right now he wasn’t going anywhere, for the time being anyway. “Whenever I’m with you I wait, I wait for you to see that I’m not what you think. I’m just a girl who likes to take pictures and will never amount to more. My sister thinks that I’m here to build my portfolio. I’m not. I’m here because I know what I am and I know what I’m worth…”

“Which is?” He interrupted her rant.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you think you’re worth Clare?”

The question was a surprise, mostly because she didn’t want to answer it. Answering this question aloud would make it real, that the thoughts that danced around her head were really what she believed.

“Because I have some input on that.” Jasper stood up but didn’t move from in front of the chair. “I can see you, who you think you are and who you are. You make me laugh when you mean to make me angry and when I should be angry. You glow when you’re taking pictures, which I believe is the reason your photos are so beautiful, because you believe them to be. You also bite your lip when you’re concentrating too hard, like right now. And even though you’re the younger sister, you believe it’s your duty to protect Maeve. You think you’re not worth what I’m feeling, but I whole heartedly disagree. I’ve only known you a few months but you’re worth this.”

The sun was completely gone before either of them moved; the room was barely lit by the light above the stove from the next room. Finally he walked to the fireplace, opened the grate and began to build the fire.

“Do you believe me Clare?” he didn’t acknowledge the fact that she was a mere foot away; it was as if he were asking her through a telephone. He finished with the fire and turned to face her. “Clare?”

“I don’t know.”

“You will.” The statement was a fact. “Tea?”

And he left her alone in front of the fire.

“Jasper.” The quick intake of air that was his name made him turn. Clare stood in the passage way between the darkness of the living room and the light from the kitchen.

He flicked off the burner, leaning both arms on either side of the stove.

“Come here.” There was heat in his voice.

“No.” His direct order snapped her out of whatever it was she had been in and Clare had no intentions of taking orders. “I think you should come here.”

He crossed to her in seconds enveloping her in his arms, holding her against him tighter than before. Clare buried her face in his shoulder.

“I’m just not used to this. You’ll have to be patient.”

“What exactly do you call what I’ve been doing?” he pushed her slightly away and looked down at her. “That’s what happens when you date men instead of boys.”

“I think I’m learning that. Pick me up.” At her request Jasper lifted her off the floor and she wrapped her legs around his waist, nipped at his lower lip.

“How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Good. Let’s go to bed.” He began to walk towards the stairs along the back wall.

“I’m not allowed to sleep.”

“Who said anything about sleeping?”