I am Not a Whore

In honor of the Royal Wedding, I would like to let everyone know that I am not a whore.

A friend of mine is headed to another friend's nuptials today & she has chosen a very sexy dress to wear. Which has reminded me of the weddings that I've been to where I've been treated like a dirty pirate hooker.

Let's go back.

I'm very lucky that my friends have all chosen hubbies that I can call friends too. That can be rare. The first time that happened was when my sister from another mister (& fellow middle child!!! - REPRESENT!) Amanda married Adam. At that wedding, I was kind of a dirty pirate hooker. But I was only 21 & it was with only one guy so back off. That actually ended with hand to hand combat between me & my Big from sorority at 2AM in the hotel hallway and me whispering "I just want to make out!" Ahhh memories.

The next wedding that I attended and took part in was Beth & Travis', another excellent match. I guess for this to make sense we need a little back story. Travis has a brother, we'll call him Billy Bob to protect the innocent. Well Billy Bob used to come up to WVWC with Travis from time to time & when he did he would bring his friend... Roy (well call him Roy, it's just better.) Further, Travis had a friend named... Ichibod (why not) who would also come up. Over 4 years I had hung out with Billy Bob & Roy separate from Beth & Travis quite a few times in their (cheap) hotel room. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I also had a few minutes of chilling with Ichibod, one time where he asked if he could kiss me to see how my tongue ring feels. Again, that never transpired and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

But, at Beth & Travis' nuptials, years later, all three of these men had their significant others, soon to be wives with them. All 3 acted like they had done dirty things that my daddy can't know about with them. If they were talking to me and their girls walked up... they never introduced me, they would just pretend the conversation had ended and walk away. Grab her arm and say, "Oh hey, did you try the..." Or if I walked up to them while with they gf, they would ignore my presence.

Even with that ridiculousness the best part is Ichibod. Who, after joking around about me hating his guts at the rehearsal dinner, called me later that night to "make sure we were ok" I said "Ichibod, there is nothing for us to be 'ok' about. I was joking, you were joking, and really are we BFFs?" This is a few months after he called me from his bachelor party. Just saying.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... boys, just because you've had dirty dreams or thought about me while you pleasure yourself, doesn't make ME the culprit. Stop treating me like a the other woman!

The other time that I dealt with this isssssue (please say that with a British accent) was at my friend Melissa's wedding a few summers ago. One that I unfortunately had to go stag to. I recently had lost just a few pounds and found amazing Calvin Klein cobalt blue dress, so I guess my self esteem was a little higher than usual. But I wasn't even that skinny! That's why I'm so confused as to how everyone acted!

Every time I was on line at the bar and made the traditional "Oh how do you know the bride a groom?" talk, I swear not .2 seconds would go by & their female companion was on them like white on rice. Ladies, I'm not trying to steal your man, I'm trying to get my gin & tonic with a splash of cranberry & lime. And on the dance floor, I just wanted to get my groove on, not seduce your man. So stop looking at me like that please!!!

I feel like here I have to admit my guilt. I have accidentally made out with not one, but two married men. When I say accidentally I truly mean it!!!!

The first time was after Beth's wedding (eeeee - doesn't make my argument above very good) but here's the story...

I met him out at the bar afterward. He was cute & sweet & wanted to hang out later in the week & all we did was make out. The next day I told Beth "I met the cutest guys last night, he knows your sister..." There was silence on the phone when I finished regaling my tale. Finally "Janice, Wes is married. Janice, Wes has 3 kids. Janice, Wes' wife is pregnant." Ok Ok... now it started coming together. He had said that his phone going off was "sister" looking for him because she was friends with his ex-gf. Oh God I felt sick to my stomach and started tearing up. I felt like such a horrible person, he had taken off his wedding ring, he was only 21 years old, he was out at the bar with all his friend. I didn't know. All my girlfriend's told me it wasn't my fault & Beth & her sister told me "he did it all the time" but that didn't help the fact that I felt disgusting. It took a while for that to wear off... I think I lost some of my mo-jo that night.

The second time was at a bachelorette party. We were out at the bars doing a scavenger hunt & one of the things was to make out with a random guy. Being one of the only single girls I volunteered. We were on the street & I think it was the bride saw this cute guy walking up to us. She wasn't even finished explaining and he grabbed me and did the deed. He then came with us to the next bar, we were chatting and he had bought me drinks when the girls pulled me back over. We were all drunk, it wasn't until now that they had noticed the ring. I walked back over and said "Tell your wife I said 'Hi'." and we all left. I felt like such an ass. Again.

Needless to say the left hand is the very first place I look whenever I see a cute individual. I will never, ever make that mistake again. Knowing the type of pain that it causes, I can't imagine anyone doing that knowingly. Blerg.

So that was a nice way to bring down a lighthearted fun post. Goooooo me!!!!

I just felt like this blog has always had full disclosure & I wouldn't feel right claiming that I am a good honest, non-cheating, husband - boyfriend stealing person without those other stories. So don't judge me too much.

And I promise, I really honestly truly am not trying to steal your man.

A Love Letter

Today is an exceptional day. And not just because I actually dragged my ass to the gym at 5:20 AM this morning or because Prince William & Kate took the plunge. But because on this day 28 years ago Sue Ramaglia made the drastic decision to marry Robert McCrostie and the McCrostie Dynasty was born. So I thought, in honor of the love that is in the air, I would write a love letter to my parents, thanking them for choosing each other.

Dear Mom & Dad,

I'll never forget when I was as kid & I found out that Mom had been engaged before you met Dad, I asked what I would be like if you had married that guy. And you told me that I wouldn't be here. I was way to young & didn't understand at all. So, I guess I want to start this letter off by saying, thanks for choosing the rocker.

There are so many things I want to say to you guys & when I was thinking of this letter I kept telling myself how easy it was going to be. I thought to start it earlier in the week, but didn't because I thought it would be a piece of cake. Apparently I was wrong.

Because right now I'm having a hard time finding the right words.

I guess saying thanks for putting up with such a different & difficult daughter is one way to start. I know that I'm not always easy to understand. Mom, I know that our personalities can be so different sometimes you probably wonder where I come from. I love to crack the jokes & be the center of attention, while you prefer to step back. So, thanks for letting me shine. Dad, they say that it's the people who are most alike that butt heads all the time. Perhaps that's why you & I have had our rough patches. But there is no one else I would rather be like. You have taught me to be a considerate, polite person who can use their wit for good instead of evil (well most of the time).

Thanks for being people that I can aspire to be.

And I can't even begin to thank you enough for how you have supported me, which has been far longer than you should have. Both financially with a roof over my head & with anything that I go after. I know that I'm not where I thought I would be, but it's a little easier on my upset stomach knowing that I have parents who have my back no matter what. How could I be any more blessed than to have you two?

Here's the best part, I'm awesome. And you did that.

Mom, I know you & I joke often that I think it's "all about me." It's kind of funny because that joke is in some ways the perfect metaphor for my relationship with you both. The fact that I am totally joking & don't really think that goes along with the wit I get from dad & the ability to care for others the way that I do, I get from you.

Like I said, I thought I'd be able to articulate better all that I have to say, but now my brain has gone pretty blank. And if the above sounds weird, it's cause I'm having trouble saying what I need to say. Wow, that's a first.

Happy Anniversary!

I love you,

Janny

As Promised

So, as promised in my earlier post from yesterday, I took pictures this morning. The first one is of the hair on my shower wall. Turns out, not as pretty as I thought it was...

Turns out it's creepy & gross. Especially with the water droplets. Yuck. I apologize, I just figured I'd post it anyway so you all can see what's up. I will continue to do this in order to keep from drain clog-age. I will not, however, post more photos. Unless I see the Virgin Mary or something in it.

The other was of me with my sleep mask. Unfortunately 6AM is a bit to early for me to remember to have a photo shoot. I did remember in the shower. So I took one with my hair towel on. Judge as you see fit...

Sorry I'm so nake-y! You know you like it!!! Especially with my badass lip. Hey, I couldn't see anything, I didn't know.

So lastly for this morning's post I wanted to add a rap song (I feel like I need to let everyone know that the first time I typed that I wrote "wrap" song, making it blatantly obvious that I never listen to the genre & that I love a good BLT wrap.) I was watching a friend's daughter this AM & her older brother had left MTV on the tube. I heard this song & thought "Good for you obscure rapper that I don't know... good for you." Because he said a lot of things that a lot of people are thinking about our country but don't have the balls to say. And he is saying it at the beginning of his career. Well the beginning of his career according to me at least. I couldn't find the actual video, but here's the audio and here are the lyrics .

I don't know I think he says some really honest stuff in here. I don't agree with it all but it's interesting for a listen. Especially if you're reading the lyrics & can follow along.

Oooo one more random thought is how shafted Scotty McCreery got last night on American Idol. Yes the judges praised him, but then they say that James was the performance of the night! First it needs to be known, that Scotty is not my fave. In fact, he moves like a praying mantis sometimes and it freaks me out, but his performance last night was beautiful and it makes me mad that the judges thought James was better. James just screeched his way through one of my favorite songs of all time! (Dirty Dancing anyone?) Meanwhile... Lauren Alaina American Idol 2011!!!

Yeah that last paragraph makes me a huge, huge, HUGE tool.

Sweet Mother of...

I swear to God I fell out of the womb and that is that last time my mother remembered where I was coming from & who I was with. Since then it’s been a series of “Oh you’re home early”s , “Who is that again?”s and “I can’t remember everything you tell me.”s.

I’m seriously considering just stopping to tell her things until they are actually happening or right after. Like today, as I left this morning I said “Mom, I will most likely do pilates while the baby sleeps so I’ll come right home after work.” Her response when I walked in the door “oh your home early.” When reminded of the last thing I said before leaving in the AM. “I can’t remember everything you do.”

But the thing is, she wants to know everything that I do. We affectionately (relative!) call her “The Closer” because if there is a piece of information that she wants to know, she will not stop until she does. Even if it annoys you to the brink of murder. I’ve been lucky enough to walk away at this time, but my sister is definitely going to be the one that breaks.

If ever anyone calls to say they aren’t coming to something she’ll ask “why?” and when I never have an answer because it’s never my business she always goes to her standby “Why wouldn’t you ask?” Because I don’t care!!!

She’s amazing, I'm waiting for her USA detective show to premiere. (Kind of like Monk or Psych.)

But as far as my friends are concerned, I need to have a photo and description on hand before relaying any story of any event. Especially with my male friends, because she can never keep up (in her defense they are changing often - But just please start a running log or something!) Every time I tell any story I always have to have a short intermission where I go through exactly how I know them & how she can make the connection. "Oh, yeah, I remember now. The little one."

And that's another thing, apparently I'm only friends with guys that are smaller than me. Apparently I'm a giant. Thanks mom.

This is how my mind works...

As I was driving to work this morning this was my train of thought in the span of approximately 10 seconds.

I wore a sleep mask last night - people who don't use their blinkers suck - I should take a picture of the hair on the shower wall, sometimes it looks so pretty - woo hoo for being 1 pound away from pre-vacation weight, goooo me! - coffee in your maple brown sugar oatmeal = true love - Ugggh I want to go to New Mexico!!! - maybe I should merge...

And so on. 

Right after that I wished that I had a picture of said sleep mask to post on here for you guys. Maybe I'll get one tomorrow morning. The picture idea came hand in hand with the hair on the shower wall idea.

Back story.

When I was traveling for my last job, living in hotels for extended periods (rock on Residence Inn by Marriott) I noticed my drain getting backed up. Being that I lived their for months on end I decided to not call my super (ie. the front desk) and just buy some draino. I didn't like more people in my room than necessary. Except when they made my bed almost ever morning... ahhhh I miss those days. (yes these two things don't make sense, in case you were wondering). Anywhohow that draino worked and I realized that I needed to stop putting my shedding balding hairs down the drain.

So after I condition & there's that mangle of hair on my hand I put it on the wall and throw it in the garbage when I get out. But through many a shower I've realized that it can look kind of pretty up on that tile. Like a new form of art.

Anybody want it?

Oh & the sleep mask? That was because I've been having trouble sleeping & I just happened to tell my brother how light bothers me when I'm falling asleep. So he gave me on an old sleep mask from a redeye Continental flight. I figured I'd give it a shot & it worked, well at least I think it did. I definitely slept better last night than I have since Friday. I'll try to get a picture tomorrow morning for you guys. I'm sure it looks super cute!!!!

And we all know that people who don't use their blinkers suck, so that's that one.

Annnnd we all know it's great that I didn't have to struggle for 2 weeks to get back to my pre-vaca weight. Seriously, that would have suck big wangers.

About the coffee in my oatmeal. It was just a wee bit at the bottom of my mug & since I like to consolidate dirty dishes but was super hungry I just poured my oatmeal in there. It was delicious. I'm learning that, as far as eating is concerned, if you cut out the middle man life gets a whole lot easier. For instance, I <3 salt & it is annoying when you salt your french fries & it all just falls off. What is the point??? So I've started just salting my ketchup, works like a charm. This is an over thought way to fatten myself up, I know, but hey it works. And I seriously only each french fries on special occasions now. Haha, how pathetic is that??? French Fries are a special occasion event!

New Mexico??? Well remember when I told you all about how my family is going there for the 4th of July (My absolute FAVORITE holiday!!! - I knew you were wondering) and I really want to go. Well, my brother has flight vouchers for $250 he gave me to try and use so hopefully I'll be able to work it out. I'll still have to pay at least another $250 but I realllly want to go. And we all know I make poor fiscal decisions when it comes to travel.

It's my crack.

But hey, at least it's not actually crack.

Yeah, this is how my mind works.

Praying for my Mental Health. Again.

My cousin Emily recently got me into yet another nice, quiet little obsession. Well maybe not so quiet. Ree Drummond may be my new idol. Not only is she badass, but she's badass. She's been blogging for  a while & one of top 10 pieces of advice for bloggers was to never miss a day, something about treating your blog like it's a garden. Or something. I swear Ree, I read it but it was yesterday & I'm having trouble sleeping the past few nights.

So this will be your favorite kind of post... the kind that has no directions & makes you worry for my mental health.

First lets start with the nice little crick in my neck that has set up shop & refuses to leave. Not only is it annoying because I rather enjoy TURNING MY HEAD, but it makes it difficult to drive. How am I supposed to check my blind spots? (Don't worry I still do). Plus my hypochondria makes me fear I have meningitus. Yes I got the vaccine, but what if it's some new stream that can beat up the vaccine?

Ughh... dear sweet slumber... please come back. I miss you so!

The other thing I wanted to touch on briefly was how much better I've been feeling. It's crazy to say but I really think that my "coming out" blog about not being happy actually made me feel... better! Woah, get off the crazy train Janice. Talking about it works? Now most of my friends are like "Hold up, we can never get Janice to shut up!" But the truth is I very often don't talk when I really need to. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, thanks for listening. Thanks for calling & emailing & fb chatting & texting. Even those one little outreaches meant the world. And I further believe that it was those little things that made me feel 100 X  better. And a nice phone call on Sunday.

So of course... I gained back 1/3 of the weight that I had while on vacation. But, in my defense... can anyone keep up their workout routine while away??? Please, I'm very cereal about this... teach me your ways if you can.

In other news... I realized that BudLight with Lime is on 116 calories per bottle. Hallelujah!!! A light beer that I can actually tolerate. But in even other news, if this website is right, my favorite most delicious Sam Adams isn't much worse. That website may be my diets new best friend.

Really that's my biggest problem. I was watching "Biggest Celebrity Weight Losses" (or something) and Horatio Sans from SNL has lost tons of weight & he attributes it all to his quitting drinking. Is it bad that that's not really an option for me? I'll do it for a while, like right now to cleanse for the MADdash  (which, give me your money b****es!) but beer is just something that I am not willing to give up.

And in breaking news, I got called sexy last night. Exact words were "I've always found you kind of sexy." Mind you, the person who said it was kind of high, but it was still nice. I've only ever heard that from my ex so, you know, it felt good.

For all those wondering, yes I was under my calorie count yesterday & I worked out. So I had a skinny cow ice cream sandwich. Some say counter productive, I say delicious.

Finally... what the hell must be running through Kate Middleton's mind right now??? I mean most little girls dream about growing up & marrying a Prince, but she's actually doing it!!! That's CRAZY!!!

Unlike me, I promise, my mental health is complete sound. Most days.

I Was the First Hipster

I know right... you're all shocked & excited to know that you are friends with the very first hipster. This is how I realized it...

I was talking to my cousin about the 1950's letterman jacket that I bought at an antique shop in High School. It was maroon & white & had the name Frank on it's front and Lancers across the back. I loved making up stories about who it had once belong to & why Frank gave it up. Truth of the matter was, it wasn't finished. There was no letter on it, I had no idea what sport Frank played. So really it might have been a miss print situation. But I loved that jacket. It sounds crazy but in a lot of ways that jacket helped me to become the person that I wanted to be. It let me be different.

Anyway, I was telling my cousin what a geek I was for making that purchase. (Which was then passed down to her & to my sister - for some reason  I thought it wouldn't be as cool in college. Hmm maybe I wasn't so hip) and she said...

"No! It was awesome... you were one of the first... oh what are they called? Those people who wear anything!?"
"Hipsters?"
"YES!!!!"

Any my friends, since this was 1998, I was the first Hipster.

My sister still has the jacket & I think it may be time for me to take it back. Cause you know... Hipsters are soooo in... 

The Art of Playing Happy

I can’t sleep. I’m sick & I can’t sleep. All day long I’ve been half comatose on the couch, but now I can’t fall asleep. I keep running through my own personal Ron & Hermione fan fiction in my head, hoping one of them will catch on & I’ll slip off into slumber.

It’s not working.

I just keep wondering to myself why we pretend to be happy? What exactly does it serve? How does it help?

Why am I incapable of saying to my best friend “Hey, you know what, I know this is short notice but I’m really hurting right now. Could you please come hang out?” Why can’t I just say that? To anyone? Even to my own family.

After I dropped my friends off at the airport I was all sorts of bummed. As I walked out of Terminal B toward the parking lot I kept my head down & tried to quickly wipe away the tears. But unfortunately, my eyes bloat up like Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons & turn bright red to boot. Two people took notice, a couple & I heard one of them whisper “I wonder what’s wrong.”

(Which is kind of a ridiculous question considering we were at an airport. Maybe my pet iguana just died…)

Then I gave myself approximately 5 minutes to cry in the car. Afterward I “manned” up & started driving. To my fortune, Cecilia was playing on the radio. So I turned it up & belted along. It was in my forced merriment that I started crying again, this time on I-78. So I gave myself about 7 seconds of tears and got my eyes back on the road. Well they were on the road the whole time, but now they were less blurry.

Once home I allowed myself one more quick wallowing session and then nap time cause of the sickness. But now I’m playing happy.

The moment in the car when I tried to force myself in tune with Cecilia really was when it hit me. The forcing was what made it worse. I feel like I need to play happy, it doesn’t help that I’m sick. But I always do this. I don’t understand. I don’t like to bring other people down when I’m blue, I don’t think it’s fair.

Perhaps this was learned from dealing with someone who wears every bad mood on their sleeve, and often makes sure you have a bad day too. They don’t even know they do it.

But why, last night, instead of being open with my friends & saying “hey, everyone, I could really use some lovings tonight,” do I opt to sit alone? I could have used a distraction from myself.

Anyway, I know I’ve been away a while. I had some epic trips that I’ll tell you about soon. Sorry if this post is a downer, I’ve just kind of grown past censoring myself because I’m worried people will be worried.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, pay attention to your friends. Read the context clues, because sometimes they are just practicing the art of playing happy.

I'm Not Ok

I admitted that, out loud, for the first time probably since high school. I haven't been brave enough. Because if I say it out loud than it's actually true.

And yes, this admission was made to my mother.

I'm not ok. I'm not as happy as I can be. I love my job, but not being financially stable takes a huge toll on your ego at 27. And for someone who was single for 26 years of her life, I'm petrified of being single again. How does that work?

Even though I did want to have someone in my life for all those years, I LOVED being single & not having anyone to answer to. I liked not feeling guilty when a little flirting got me a free drink. But now, after being in a relationship, those single perks don't seem so great anymore.

I'm petrified of failure, I always have been. Whether it's the failure of not getting a role, job, etc or the failure of striking out with a cute guy at the bar. It's exhausting to be so scared of it. And let me tell you, they can all smell fear.

I'm not ok. I need a change. And usually I'll fulfill that need by getting something tattooed or pierced, but you can't do that when you have no money!

I'm not ok that a person I love is leaving and I don't know when "next time" will be.

I'm not ok with the fact that I don't know where I'll be working this summer.

I'm not ok with being petrified to search for jobs in my field.

I'm not ok with being in my safe little bubble.

I'm not ok with disappointing my parents.

I'm not ok with disappointing myself.

I need a change of scenery, but I need money in order to move there. I'm not ok with that.

Catch 22, wouldn't you say?