I can’t sleep. I’m sick & I can’t sleep. All day long I’ve been half comatose on the couch, but now I can’t fall asleep. I keep running through my own personal Ron & Hermione fan fiction in my head, hoping one of them will catch on & I’ll slip off into slumber.
It’s not working.
I just keep wondering to myself why we pretend to be happy? What exactly does it serve? How does it help?
Why am I incapable of saying to my best friend “Hey, you know what, I know this is short notice but I’m really hurting right now. Could you please come hang out?” Why can’t I just say that? To anyone? Even to my own family.
After I dropped my friends off at the airport I was all sorts of bummed. As I walked out of Terminal B toward the parking lot I kept my head down & tried to quickly wipe away the tears. But unfortunately, my eyes bloat up like Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons & turn bright red to boot. Two people took notice, a couple & I heard one of them whisper “I wonder what’s wrong.”
(Which is kind of a ridiculous question considering we were at an airport. Maybe my pet iguana just died…)
Then I gave myself approximately 5 minutes to cry in the car. Afterward I “manned” up & started driving. To my fortune, Cecilia was playing on the radio. So I turned it up & belted along. It was in my forced merriment that I started crying again, this time on I-78. So I gave myself about 7 seconds of tears and got my eyes back on the road. Well they were on the road the whole time, but now they were less blurry.
Once home I allowed myself one more quick wallowing session and then nap time cause of the sickness. But now I’m playing happy.
The moment in the car when I tried to force myself in tune with Cecilia really was when it hit me. The forcing was what made it worse. I feel like I need to play happy, it doesn’t help that I’m sick. But I always do this. I don’t understand. I don’t like to bring other people down when I’m blue, I don’t think it’s fair.
Perhaps this was learned from dealing with someone who wears every bad mood on their sleeve, and often makes sure you have a bad day too. They don’t even know they do it.
But why, last night, instead of being open with my friends & saying “hey, everyone, I could really use some lovings tonight,” do I opt to sit alone? I could have used a distraction from myself.
Anyway, I know I’ve been away a while. I had some epic trips that I’ll tell you about soon. Sorry if this post is a downer, I’ve just kind of grown past censoring myself because I’m worried people will be worried.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, pay attention to your friends. Read the context clues, because sometimes they are just practicing the art of playing happy.