What Do You Have to Lose?

I feel like it's important to start off by saying I am not being flippant with my religious beliefs. I have my relationship with God & it's not for anyone to judge or critique. I just had a thought the last night and if you can't share it in your blog, then where can you?

I wrote on Sunday about an idea I had to maybe get some help more youth & young adults get on the path to see God in their life, or even just get them out to church. So I've been going over and over it in my head, what can I say to these people to get them to maybe just try. Because I know quite a few people who don't believe in God, or believe that there is a higher power but they aren't sure what or who it is. Which is whatever it is, but I feel like that must be a bummer of a way to live.

Really I can't assume anything about these people's lives. These are friends of mine who I am very close with, they're good people. They just don't have faith, which leads me to my question.

What have you go to lose?

I'm just throwing sh** out there now, but really, what have you got to lose by believing? When was it that you stopped? Cause as a kid, well most kids, we'd believe in Santa & The Easter Bunny & The Tooth Fairy & above all else God. Is that what it was? Were you so annoyed about the scam that now you're embittered against anything that you had to go on faith by? Are you like my cousin Emily, who at finding out about Santa Claus proclaimed "I suppose The Easter Bunny isn't real either!!" At 8 years old, is there any greater betrayal? (this is a passive aggressive, sarcastic assessment. don't be insulted, laugh.)

I really am trying to figure this out, I'm not trying to be pushy or rude or condescending. I guess maybe some people just come out of the fog of having the youthful unwavering faith & belief in God and choose to not go back.

But then I have to ask again, what do you have to lose?

Back when you believed in Santa, it brought you such happiness. Once a year was the best time of your life bc something magical happened (and you ended up with lots of goodies to show for it!) And oddly enough, for me at least, that's what believing in God is like, but it's year round.

I can't see Him & I definitely can't wait at the bottom of the chimney with milk & cookies hoping for a glimpse, but I feel Him & know Him. Sometimes it's the faith that I have in God that even gets me through the day. Because I know He has a plan for me that is greater than I can imagine.

My mind actually works like this... if I'm speeding down the highway late for whatever & some jerk gets in front of me going 2 miles an hour. I usually wait a minute before I pass them, I give it some time. Because there may be a reason that car was put there. For me to slow down. For me to chill out. Whatever. When life isn't going the way I'd planned (Ummm I was supposed to married by 27, according to the 22 year old me!) I have to take a breather & remember that something is coming. Something good.

And what's the harm in having that faith? If it came down to not believing in Santa from 0-8 years old, or having a those few years of magic, which would the 8 year old you have chosen? What is it going to hurt for you to just talk to Him a bit, attend church, see what He has to give.

I don't know. I can't choose for anyone. That's why the sneaky Man Upstairs gave us all free will. So we can decide for ourselves. It's hard when you know that it's real & you just want to share it, but not everyone is willing to believe.

But really, what do you have to lose?

Type B

I've had a busy Sunday. Which is weird bc I haven't DONE that much but it's been pretty insane with plans for the future.

The first thing that happened was I had a bit of brainstorm to try and get people more excited about G.O.D. Wow, just saying it like that probably makes some of you out there thing "what a tool box."

Anyway, my idea is to have people from my retreat approach their home church about us doing a service one Sunday over the summer. In that service we will talk about our relationships with God, from the younger perspective, shine new light on what it means to be young & a Christian. Cause, lets be honest, we have a bit of a bad rap with most people. And in order to get more people out to church we'll request that the congregation encourage any youth or young adults that they know to come to that one service & see what happens. I don't know, right now it's just an idea. But I kind of like to think that if you can even get one person to even slightly change their opinion it's a winning situation. Hopefully planning for that will get underway soonish.

The other thing was that my brother signed me up for The Warrior Dash which if you know me is comical. It's comical enough that I'm doing a 5K but this is a 5K plus military style obstacles. Sweet baby Jesus I will need you for this one!!!

I start my "official" training tomorrow for the MADdash which is just about a month before The Warrior Dash. My friend Gina gave me a Couch to 5K training plan she found in a magazine that worked great for her last year. So what I'll have to do is just keep training past to the 10K, which is on the plan too. That way I will still be super in shape & ready to rock n' roll. I don't want to win a medal or anything, I just don't want to humiliate myself. Which... hmmmm... yeah. Let's see how that goes

So I guess the reason this stuff feels so momentous is bc it's the first time I've planned ahead since I've been home. I mean I've given myself a definite goal that WILL be happening in the future that I need to be on my A game for. And I'm SOOO a B personality. A is like a foreign concept to me. So now I have a plan. It has nothing to do with my job or my low money situation but it's a plan. I have a plan that is more than a month away from now & has to do with my life.

It's a plan. The execution is the problem.

46,974,057 & Counting

It's Friday. Friday. Friday (just in case anyone didn't know yesterday was Thursday & tomorrow is Saturday. Sunday comes some time after that too.)

Yes that is what was in my head ALL morning bc during my 6AM drive to the gym (Badass - a thank you very much!) they jokingly played it on my radio show. And then it wouldn't leave. It kills me that this is the song that is selling on iTunes. And it's not even this poor girls fault. She's only 13, I do not blame her at all. And hell, she wont have any student loans to pay off after college! But really America? Really?

We're a country that is always looking for 2 things. The next big thing & trainwrecks. And unfortunately for Rebecca, she isn't 46,974, 057 for being "the next big thing."

Here's where it gets me, bc I can sing & I could probably write a pretty good song if I wanted to but no one would listen to my song if I put it on youtube bc I can't promise it would be the next big thing but I can promise it would not be a trainwreck. Unless I fell off my chair or something, which, actually, is entirely plausible.

Anyway my point is that there are musicians like Susan who write songs like this and her views are only at 310. THAT offends me. This is the next big thing!!! She's amazing, I want to be her when I grow up (if she wasn't younger than me!) And bc she isn't ridiculous, just a girl & her piano and beautiful song her views are only at 310. And admittedly 50 of those are probably me cause I'm a little obsessed with this song.

There's also a young girl who's songs are "responses" (I don't understand how you work youtube!) to Susan's & she is also phenomenal! And her views are impressive as well, at 948,479, but we're not hearing about her on GMA.

I don't know, maybe this is a no copyright infringement intended way of getting their music to just a few more people. Maybe it's my way of saying "Happy Friday!" Maybe I just need to get my ass on youtube with something tragically awful... my way to the top baby!!!

Hey, have an excellent Friday... Friday. Friday.

Just Keep Swimming!

It could be so much worse for me right now. Every time I have those "woe is me" moments somehow I get shown how much worse it could be. Somehow He knows what I need to see.

When I was in undergrad I used to work for a pretty big food chain. Not fast food but a chain that everyone loves and after working there I do not understand why. Anyway I opened this particular location as a server. I firmly believe that it should be law that every human being on this planet should have to work in the food service industry at least once in their life bc it will make the way they treat other people completely different.

To make sense of this story I have to explain that the GM at this particular location came from a background as a kitchen manager. The hierarchy in most locations is GM is on top and then kitchen manager, floor manager, etc is one step below them. Well since our GM used to be a kitchen manager, the kitchen could do no wrong & he was really hard on the floor staff.

I kid you not he was probably the worst manager I've ever had & I've worked at a lot of places. He would make me cry at least once a week. Seriously, people would be like "where's Janice? Oh, she's in the back sidestation crying." Finally this one time he was belittling me in front of my table. At which point I said (me! the employee & easily 20 years younger than him!) "I think we should discuss this in the kitchen & not on the floor." It was such a mess. He was such a mess! For reals!

Anyway I had nightmares for years about going back to work at that joint. But when the summer was nearly over I realized something. This is not the world. I'm crouched behind a booster seat bawling my eyes out over some under-sauced shrimp scampi while there are people living with crippling diseases, dying from starvation and dealing with lost love ones. Really? Really Janice? Your crying over some breadsticks? I had to get a grip.

And I try so often to remind myself of that. Whenever I'm really down about my life or about something I try to remember how truly blessed I am. And sometimes how blessed I am scares the living sh*t out of me! Because when is the bottom going to fall out?

So I am going to control what I can in my life & realize that there are unavoidable obstacles. Like being 27 and having to live with mom & dad. Like being 27 with student loans out your tookis but thinking "what the hell do I really want to do with my life???" I think I need to start living every day like it's the first day. Anyway this is the video that got me thinking about all this craziness.

Whenever life gets you down you know what you gotta do???

Just keep swimming!
Just keep swimming!
Just keep swimming swimming swimming!
What do you do?
You swim, swim, swim!

And start actually training for the 5K your running in errmmmm 7 weeks!!!

The Definition of "Fine."

I just looked up the definition of the word "fine" and it turns out it really should never be the answer to the question "how are you doing?" The closest thing that could answer that question was "healthy; well."

I keep telling people I'm "fine" after a recent break up, but am I? We'll first of all I should clarify that we are not calling it a break up we're calling it a "transition" because we are on a mission to remain friends. So we're in "transition." Yeah we're dorks.

But isn't it true, that you can be healthy, well and still have moments of not being fine? 

That's what keeps happening to me. I'm fine. Fine. But I keep having moments where I just want to cry. And, lets be honest, I do cry. In fact I had a crying game shower last night. It just comes in waves and I can't help it.

I guess I should back track because a lot of you didn't even know I've been in a relationship for the last year and nearly half.

When I was living in Scotland I happened to meet the most amazing person. And for me, a "straight" woman, it didn't matter that that person happened to also be a woman. I fought with myself (& her for that matter) because I didn't want to "experiment" with my best friend. But it turned out perfect & we have been very happy for the past year. But unfortunately we have different plans for our lives. And although we are both dead set on remaining friends, the relationship may not be what is best for us right now. It's the mature decision. The adult decision. The decision that will make it so that friendship is an option.

But that doesn't stop a heart from breaking. I never really believed the saying "Love isn't enough" I was naive enough to think "if there is love it HAS to be enough." But now I know that is not necessarily true. Because I fell in love with her person, her soul, her essence. And I love her, but I don't think we're right for each other.

The problem is, I don't consider myself gay. She is the only female I've ever been attracted to in that way. From moment one, to now. So what am I. Confused as f**k that's for sure but besides that I don't know. Some say flexisexual, some call in pansexual. Who the hell knows.

But for right now, I'm a 27 year old girl who is sad & trying to keep busy. I'm a young woman who is scared to be single again. I'm someone who is terrified of being forgotten. I'm a person who knows now that sometimes love just isn't enough. But really... I'm fine.

The Definition of "Fine"

Completely Condradicting Ideologies!!

Soo this morning on the greatest radio show ever Elvis Duran & the Morning Show they were debating whether you would want to date someone who had a bangin' body & a busted face or someone who had a busted body & a bangin' face.

Ok, I was dying I was cracking up so hard & here is why...

I've had this conversation with my best friend, not the debate of what we would choose but about ourselves. Both of us have struggled with our weight but we're both so grateful that we have pretty faces. Cause it's much cheaper to fix your body than a busted face. Let's be honest, I complain about my bodd' buttttttttt at least I have a pretty face. right? Now as long as I stay out of bar fights & don't get a broken nose, I'm golden.

I still wouldn't mind having a bangin' body too. So I will continue working on that. I have officially lost 2 lbs in 2 weeks. Which is actually what the website I'm logging on recommends. Last Saturday after being super strict my scale weighed me in as losing 6 lbs but that was before a week of temperamental eating habits, 2 birthdays & a period. So I think 2 lbs is a great success and hopefully this week I'll be able to keep my act together.

For those people not in NJ, it's f**king snowing!!! Are you kidding!!!??? Bullsh**!!! Bullsh**!!! Bullsh**!!! I'm so done. It took me an hour & 15 minutes to get to work today when it should only take 30 minutes. We get it Mother Nature, you're in charge. I'm going to start a compost this spring. I've already stopped buying bottled water & bring my lunch in tupperware instead of plastic baggies. I'm trying here! I don't really live in an area that's conducive to biking so I can't give up my car without dying!!! So please try to be a little understanding.

Ughh. I made myself a pepper & ham omelet this morning & I'm already hungry. What's that about?

Sounds like somebody has a case of the Mondays...

Dreams to 5Ks

I had weird dreams last night. I think that's what happens when you sleep really soundly but wake up a few times. Bits and pieces of your dreams flash in and out & you only remember the really weird parts.

The first one was just me walking around Glasgow. I seriously miss that city... didn't think it was possible to miss a place so much. I do miss WV but I guess bc I can get back there more readily it's not so bad. I seriously have to stop myself from tearing up when I see a picture or hear that someone is in Glasgow. I even miss Edinburgh... but only bc it's so close to Glasgow. In the dream all I was doing was walking around the streets looking at the buildings wishing I could stay. I need to get a real job so that I can move back. I only need like $13,000 saved up... that's not to hard right? Blerg.

The second dream was worse. I dreamt that I received an email from the job I applied for up in Maine & that the Superintendent of schools told me I had ZERO qualifications for the position. Nice. Haha. He worded it a lot more cruelly than that though.

Those are the only 2 snippets that I remember but they both made me wake up melancholy. Ehh I'll hit up the gym & go see my oldest friend. That will make things better.

The 6lbs that I thought I lost last week were a mirage. but I have lost about 2 lbs which is good. Especially since this past week I was no where near as strict as I was the first week. It will be easier now. Georgia & Terry are off to CO for 10 days so I wont have the temptation to not gym it or to eat the whole world. My Aunt Flo is visiting this week to so that didnt help my eating habits last week at all. Sorry any male readers... I think I only have one at the moment. (Shout out John!) haha.

I also started "running" yesterday. We were out on the Boulevard in Mountain Lakes for about 40 minutes and I rain approx. 6 of them. It will improve slowly but surely. I'd like to run more often but right now I need to burn more calories than I do running. But I need to train for the MADdash which I will link to this page. Any donations are greatly appreciated. It's my first 5k so interesting things may happen.

Once you click on the link you can play around & read up on the Madeline Loftus Memorial Scholarship Foundation. It's am amazing organization in memory of an amazing person. Plus our team is named "Walk Like an Egyptian" & we may be entirely NOT PC and carry protest signs. What are you gonna do right?

MADdash 5K 2011 - Janice McCrostie's Donation Page!

Anyway this is yet another very schizo entry, so I apologize. Or maybe I don't cause you know you love it!!!

Fun With Numbers!

Lets go over how much I hate my Credit Card right now. Cause its... A LOT!

My parents raised me to be pretty good with money & still I falter. Never horribly... until now. I never kept a balance on my cc before, I always paid it off as quickly as humanly possible. Until now, when I have a small income. Well, learned my damn lesson the hard way.

Last month I paid off my cc to a nice even $1,000. Felt good. Until the interest accrued for this past month & now I'm back up to $1,126. My interest for one month was my payment for last month. Sure teaches you to pay attention huh?!

I'm so annoyed cause I did this to myself. I was irresponsible. I put gas $ and flights on it bc I thought I could figure it out. Ughhhh I'm so annoyed with myself right now.

I was never one of those morons who thinks "I'll just pay it later, so easy, it's like plastic money hehehe." I knew the repercussions, I just didn't know how bad it can be. Now I know why my dad told me the one thing I was NEVER to do while in College was to sign up for a cc when they had the booths outside the cafeteria. And I listened, thank sweet baby Jesus I did. Cause I would have been in even more trouble if I had gotten my hands on one when I was 18.

This balance is nothing compared to some peoples, I know. But I don't like it. My ccs were always something I had under control and now it feels like I'm losing grip bc they aren't. Does that make sense? You know how you can have one thing that you have your fingers on so the other $50,000 you know in student loans doesn't seem that bad bc you have this other thing under control. It's crazy I know, but what part of the rest of my blogramblings made you think I was normal?

How am I going to pay for this San Francisco trip? I should pack ramen noodles. Carissa, Cai & Georgi... be prepared to eat in a bunch, possibly eat ramen noodles cause this poor girl can't afford much else. I guess if you're going to live like a hippy the one place to do it is San Fran right?

Thank God for my parents bc without them who the hell knows where I would be right now. Well that's not entirely true... I'd still be $51,126+ in debt I just wouldn't have anywhere to live and no food to eat.

Not So Mystery Man

There is a celebrity right now & I have realized that if I mention their name that it will be completely counter productive to this posting. But I have faith you'll all figure it out.

This person is making a living on the fact that we are all obsessed with train wrecks. They're being a horrible horrible person & a horrible role model for their children & yet people are purchasing tickets to see him speak! What is wrong with you people!? It's bad enough that specials are being run on the television and people are watching those, but now you're directly putting money in his pocket???

I haven't watched one thing he's ranted. I've heard all about them and I've even said "Oh my gosh he is such a mess!" But then I started thinking about it... we're supporting his behavior. What is wrong with our society that he can act like this, act like everything this world should be against & we're funding it. Yes... every special that anyone watches & any event that we buy tickets for FUNDS him to get his ridiculous behavior in front of the cameras.

I don't want to turn into one of those people who babbles on about the media's negative impact on our society. But I can't help it. It's said all the time that these people are getting paid millions, but Fox News & the Wisconsin govt. is talking about how teachers are being overpaid. TEACHERS are the few people in our society who actually deserve that million dollar paycheck. Teachers & nurses in my opinion. I'm sure there are other occupations out there but those are the two that pop to mind. Instead we're GIVING our money away to people who don't care about any other person on the planet except themselves.

This person above, they're giving what they raise to Tsunami relief & I can say that's pretty awesome. But the monetary benefit from doing so is what they're really after.

I don't even pray that he gets his shit together anymore, I pray that we wake up & realize that we live in a country where we still tell people they aren't allowed to get married or adopt a child when they fund a man who hires prostitutes & takes drugs like candy. You get entertainment from that, but you think it's wrong to let one loving person marry someone they love & start a family? You think it's wrong to have a child grow up in a loving home instead of in a foster care system that is trying very hard but in many ways is failing?

I can't get my head around that. And my heart is actually breaking from it. You may not understand it, but that's ok bc I don't have to understand why you love your significant other in order for you to want to stay with them, do I? I don't get to approve all your life choices, do I?

Meanwhile, we're putting the stamp of approval on how this celebrity is behaving, every magazine we buy & tv special we turn on...

Teen Mom 2

I'm watching Teen Mom 2 and I've realized that if I got preggo right now I would be in the same place as these girls. I'm still dependent on my family. So pathetic.

Plus Chelsea is feeding her baby foods that her baby looks way to young to eat. Like a french fry followed by a piece of lettuce. interesting.

Leah is the best mom on this show... hands down. Word up W.V!!! But Corey needs a new hat.

Again, so pathetic.

When I Pray at Night...

Is it fair? Is it fair that I have to live in a world of calorie counting? Probably not. But every once in a while I have moments of clarity. Moments where I realize that even my super fit friend Emily still works out and eats properly. She's very slim, but she still stays on the ball. She still works at it. Those moments also come with the realization that yeah, it's not fair & it sucks but that's how it is. It's a reality that I have to deal with.

And if there is one role that I refuse to play, it's that of victim. It always has been. One of my biggest pet pieves is people who complain about something in their life but do nothing to change it. Which is why you'll have heard me crack jokes about my weight... bc I don't want to complain about it. I got to this point in my life through poor choices.

I wish that I had started working out at a younger age, I wish that someone had told me at 17 that 10 years from now you are going to wish that you worked a little harder in gym class.

When I pray at night I go through the really important things. I pray for those in termoil in the Middle East. I pray for our soldiers. I pray for the children here in the US who are going to sleep with hungry bellies. I pray for the teenagers who need someone to talk to, who think their is no other way out. I pray for the families that have lost people, that they may find some form of peace. I pray for the people who have passed, that they are chillin' with J.C.

And finally at the end of my prayers I asked God for just a little help with strength. Strength to keep eating better & strength to turn my car towards the gym instead of home at the end of the day. When I was little I used to pray that I would wake up skinny. Haha. What's that about J.C? Why couldn't you do that for me?

Anyway, my friend Emster has helped me to realized what a good workout regime is and reminded me to switch it up. She also got me hooked on a website called http://www.myfitnesspal.com/. It tracks my calorie intake and my calories burned and helps me keep the balance. So according to what I ate and worked out yesterday I should loose just over 10 pounds in 5 weeks. Hold me to it followers... I want to be a a healthier, STRONGER me.

Rehearsal Room

My biggest fan is turning 1 year old tomorrow and I’m completely comfortable with that. Somewhere along the line I lost the confidence to perform / sing in front of people unless it's karoake & everyones just a wee bit drunk. But since I've been watching Layah, I've start singing to her as I rock her at nap time. I stick to songs that I know by heart, that I don't think I could forget the words to if I tried. And just the other day, the best thing happened. I finished a song (I usually sing about 3 before putting her down in her crib) and she sat up & did the sign language symbol for "more." I can't lie, I almost started crying.

It was nice to have someone like to hear me sing & want me to keep going. I finally admitted to my mom a few weeks ago that the reason I "couldn't stand" America Idol was because whenever I watch it I always compare their talent to mine. I compare & get jealous because they had the ball sacks to try. And now that I have been completely suckered into watching this season, I think I'm going to give auditioning a shot next time they come around. If I can.

I've been so scared these past few years of putting myself out there for other people to judge. And I know why. Through my whole life I've thought that I had "rocked" something, an audition, a class, a meeting, whatever & then later found out that I apparently wasn't good enough to get selected again. It has developed a bad complex for me.

Pile on top of that the 3-5 times that I've been "involved" with someone and they've decided over night (literally, one of them was over night) that I was no longer what they wanted. And in those instances, I felt like... wait, what have I been feeling all this time? What have I been tricked into thinking that you were feeling? How is it so easy for you to just walk away from me... when I'm... awesome?

It makes you start to think, maybe you're not awesome.

And I try and pretend and tell myself that I do believe that I am awesome. And I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

So for now, I'm going to continue my rehearsals with Layah as my Simon Cowel. And every time she asks for "more" I'm going to remind myself that I have a damn good voice. (And try not to cry) Maybe, next time, when Randy, J-Lo & the deliscious Stephen Tyler come around I'll be ready. Who's with me?

A Free Bird with a BAD Case of Wanderlust

My mother (who I live with, remember, so a lot of my post will probably include her in some way... pathetic is the new black after all) keeps bursting my bubbles. I know, it's her job to carry the needle, but she has 2 favorite things to say whenever I tell her something about my future plans. They go either like this...

"But you need to find work in the field of your degree."

OR

"You'll be getting paid for though right?"

Which, now that I think about it, the two things ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE! I want to write, and in order to write you often need to work somewhere else to fund your right while you are being discovered as the genius you are. I can write anywhere. My parents don't see it that way.

I just finished working on a show in a Playwright's Festival in NYC. It was a blast and I met (& re-met) some excellent people. I sent the director of that show my script to read & we discussed an idea that she & her husband had for what we think will be a hilarious show. I want to write it. So we may meet and discuss it to see if it will work. My mother's first comment "But you'll be getting paid for this right?" No, mother, I wont. How can I get paid, when no one is getting paid? Well, no one else is getting paid, yet.  I think there's been a communication breach.

My parents thought by going back to college I'd have even more opportunity to have money. I get it, I really do. I left a well paying job to pursue my dreams & now I'm back living with them & they want to know how I'm going to change that. Sorry mom & pop but I don't know. Because it order to get money I need to write something publishable & then meet the right people who want to use it. I can't give you a definite answer on when exactly that will be. It's a bummer, I know.

The other thing is that New Mexico is calling me. It wants me. Well, my cousin Emily wants me to move there with her for the month of July, but that means I probably wont have time to get a job. But... I feel like I need to go. It's hard for people to understand. I feel like... there is so much I want to drink up in this world, so much country and views and mountains and rivers and picturesque locations that I just want to soak in & I can't do that if I'm tied down.

Which, is why, I think I'm having super bad writers block when it comes to my cover letter. The worst part is that in order to do this traveling I need this money.

Why oh why couldn't I have been born in '53 instead of '83. At least then when I wanted to live out of my car & travel around the country no one one have thought it was that weird.