God's response:

Not that He actually gave me one. I'm crazy but I'm not hearing voices crazy.

But I'm pretty sure this is what He would say.



Janice,

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Know that when you hurt, I hurt too. So that's not fun.

But did I really do all this? I gave you free will & listen sister, you're the one who let you're imagination run away.

He's a good guy and things were good. But you started making plans.

And yes, he gave you every reason to believe that there was a future there. He accidentaly talked about the future, on more than one occasion.

But you took that and ran with it. You created happy little stories of a happy little life with someone you barely knew. You let yourself fall so hard. Remember: Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

I guess that could be my fault as well considering I gave you that over active imagination and a heart on your sleeve. You're welcome & I'm sorry.

And I know you keep praying and asking and hoping. I hear it all, even when you don't want me to hear it. I know that you think the harder you pray and ask and hope the sooner My plan will unfold.

But baby that's not how this works.

I've got it figured out & it's going to be spectacular. Just be patient.

And yes, I know that's much, much, much easier said than done.

Just trust me.

Love you lots.

Like lots a lots.

More than you could ever know.

Your BFF,
G.O.D

A Prayer: Part 2

God,

I try to make a point of not questioning You. And I do pretty well with it. I also recognize that sometimes I don't see why You do the things You do until later. Looking back. And all that good stuff.

But I have a pretty big question for you. A pretty big bone to pick actually.

I was happy. I was comfortable. I was looking at my life with contentment & joy. My job made me happy. My friends made me happy. My family made me happy. I made me happy. My life made me happy.

That's a gross amount of happy.

But You had a plan & You executed that plan & now... guess what? I'm not so happy.

I'm happy enough. My life is still good. But you gave me a glimpse of something just to take it away.

And I don't understand. I don't know why you gave me that, just to take it away? What's next?

Now I'm just left here, thinking...

Thinking...

I'm a good person. I do good things. I'm not perfect but the sum of all my parts = a fairly good person. Why.

Why?

I wasn't lonely.  I was happy being single. For the first time in a forever I was like "screw this... being single is whats up."

Until  I met someone that made me not want to be single.

And You did that. That was all You.

Why?

Because now he creeps back into my mind umpteen times a day.

I can't wait for the morning that I wake up & don't hope for a text message from him.

The day that the split second between when my phone starts vibrating & the display shows a name doesn't drip with suspense.

And I know what he did to me. I know it was wrong & mean & I shouldn't hope that he'll come around.

But You know better than anyone that I don't feel like this often. That I don't fall like this a lot. The few. The Proud.

So why did You do this?

What's Your plan?

Besides some lesson I've yet to learn.

I guess I'm just wondering...

My blessing & my curse

My life will never be a movie. I know this. I've convinced myself of this. Mostly.

So why can't I turn my brain off?

Imagination is probably one of the most dangerous things, I've been talking a lot about danger lately. Maybe I need a little in my life.

I don't know. I just, I guess, I just wish for the grand gesture.

A gesture that I'll never get.

I'm of the mind set that I don't want someone that doesn't want me.

And most of all I'm of the belief that things will fall in the place precisely when they're meant to.

God has His plan for me. There is nothing else in this world that I have ever been so sure of.

So maybe that's why when I get the slightest glimpse of an incling of what He is planning I grasp onto it. I hold onto it so tightly that even when I want to, I can't let go of it.

I just want it. I'm so ready for it.

And I don't like to judge other people's lives. Mine is nothing to write home about. But sometimes I look at woman who are older & still single & even though their lives are full & lovely I think "I don't want that. I'm terrified of that."

I don't want to discredit their choices. They have beautiful lives. But they're not the life I want.

I want a family. I want children. I want the wrap around porch with a swing for coffee on summer mornings.

And I know that maybe I'm not ready yet. That maybe I'm cookie dough & I'm not done baking. And He knows that.

But I feel done. And I'm ready to start.

But what if I never get it? One thing I know is that I will never get the fantastical life I've imagined in my head. I get that. That's something I know. But I cannot for the life of me stop creating it all in my head.

Having such an active imagination is my blessing & my curse.

Closure Is A Figment of No Ones Imagination

One person ruined my week. A stranger ruined my week.

But in two weeks I became so attached to someone that when they disappeared they ruined my week.

And I'm ok with that. I'm happy that I am still open enough that I can feel that much. And I hated last week. But not enough to hate him.

This morning I had a kind of epiphany. I'm going to stand up for my broken heart. And here's why.

I thought I was going crazy. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm psyczophrenic. I can't even spell it & I fear it. Lame.

So when I didn't hear from him, I seriously began to wonder if I was going mad.

But I had his socks. It was from this adorable moment at his place when he noticed my feet were cold so he went & got me some socks. And put them on my feet for me. It was sweet.

So last week I hated those socks. They sat clean on my bed, on my dresser, in my work bag, haunting me.

Saying "this is the piece of happy you thought you had but PSYCH!!!"

And I should have had a fun weekend, it was my best friends Bachelorette party. And I did. But in the back of my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to text him. Call him. Be near him. And one of my friends just started dating this new guy & I didn't expect her to not talk about him. But I couldn't stand it. She just got out of a long term relationship and she's already found someone new. When will it be my turn? Whens my happily ever after, for now?

By yesterday, a week since I heard from him, I was still crying. Still upset. Still wondering why & what the fuck. Still wanting to call him.

After weeks of talking every day, of being in what successfully played off as the beginning of a relationship, he checked out.

And left me with the hotel bill of emotions.

But this morning I woke up with a new sense of direction. I was pissed. I was tricked into liking this guy. I was fooled into falling hard. And this time I had the means & the opportunity to stand up for my heart.

I had his socks.

& the $20 he gave me for gas weeks ago.

So after work I went over to his house & when he opened the door I said "I would have called to tell you I was coming over but you're not answering my texts so I figured you wouldn't answer my phone calls."

He apologized. Of course. He was busted. He said he meant to call, he wanted to call, but didn't know what to say.

I said "there are a few things that you could have said. Some being

'I'm seeing someone else'
'I'm not looking for a relationship right now.'
Or
'I'm not interested in seeing you anymore.'

Just for starters."

He told me what happened last weekend. Or at least what he was willing to tell me. He told me that because of all that he is in no place for a relationship right now & that's what I deserve. I told him "you know what else I deserve? a phone call."

We debated. Maybe I looked like the crazy girl who shows up at the guy that she's only been seeing for two weeks house with a pair of socks. But you know what? I wasn't going crazy & his behavor made me think that I was. So it was not ok for him to just glide along. For once I stood up for myself & on a scale of one to Kelly Clarkson songs... I felt STRONGER.

And still. I told him to call me when he gets his shit together. I made no promises that I would be available (Because I'm awesome) but that I really wanted him to call.

He has not idea how amazing he is. Seriously. Because even after he treated me like shit, I'm not going to give up on him. And hopefully one day, he will call. Hopefuly one day, the stars will align. I said everything I wanted to say to him except one thing, that I think we're good for each other. I told him I was crazy about him. Told him I think he's a fool for passing this up. Hell, I even told him that he ruined my week. But I forgot to tell him that. So that one day, maybe, he'll know too. This is make me sound even more loco... anyway...

Meanwhile, there's a beautiful cast of actors rehearsing below me 6 days a week. And a gorgeous facilities manager to flirt with. And a life to live.

And maybe he just fed me a line of bullshit that I believed. But at least I know I'm not losing my mind.

And as far as the socks & $20 dollars go. He wanted me to keep them. He told me to keep the socks in my car in case I need them to keep my feet warm and the money for the gas I used coming out to see him. I said "I don't want your socks. Why would I want something hanging around reminding me of you if you aren't around."

He gave me an ultimatum. He would take the cash or the socks.

I gave him the socks.

Maybe

The thing that no one warns you about hope is that it leaves you more vulnerable than anything else ever could.

I know I haven't been around in a while & so you're all confused. All you have to know is that I was (am?) seeing someone. Was. I think it's was.

I have abandonment issues. Always have. Every guy I  have ever dated has decided overnight (one of them, literally) that they were no longer interested in seeing me. So now, just because I haven't heard from this guy in 3 days, I'm losing faith.

The dangerous thing about hope is that you keep it so close to your heart that when dissappointment sets in, it's worse than anything. And whatever we had, it was quick. I mean only 2 weeks, but it felt real. As real as anything I've ever felt anyway. I guess it felt like more than this.

And I'm picky as hell.

But there's no evidence, no trail as to why I'm left out in the cold. Maybe he's busy. Maybe I'm overreacting. & maybe if I didn't have the past experiences that I do I wouldn't care, but I do. I can't help that.

The dangerous thing about hope is that every time I give myself a little more, I'm brought down that much harder when it proves false. Every time I tell myself "no, he'll call me back." "he'll definitely text back." "maybe. maybe. maybe."

Those maybes suck.

I don't know what the hell could have happened on Saturday that made him realize this is over. It would be nice to know. I'd love to know.

Did I jinx it? I told like a whopping 3 people I was seeing someone. Did I ruin this?

The little piece of my heart that was falling for this guy is broken. And it's so hard to keep hoping. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe something happened and he's just not in the mood to talk to anyone. Maybe. Maybe... maybe.

Maybe he's the President of the United States. Maybe he has a space shuttle launch later.

If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you.

But hope. Hope is so dangerous. Because this person who is basically a stranger to me has me hoping. Has me being "that girl."

Closure is a figment of no one's imagination. It's one of the most real things. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe he realized it.

But overnight it happened again. And overnight I'm reminded why I'm so damn picky.

Maybe I'll feel like a psycho for this particular reaction. Maybe he'll call & have a explanation I'm happy with & I will be extremely embarassed about all of this.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Off the Wagon

I have fallen, so hardcore off the the diet wagon there are hardly words.

I had 3 weeks of really great work, lost like 5 or 6 lbs. Then it happened. I began to drink again.

So that's it. That's my defining factor of dieting. Annoying. Because life is life and I have fun when I drink. And I have a lot going on right now that's just a little bit more fun if I can have a cold one.

I need to figure out that delicate balance between drinking one day a week and being really good on my diet the rest of the time. And I need to get my ass back to the gym. BAD.

Here's why. Don't tell her, Bridget, but my bridesmaids dress doesn't fit. Oh sweet mother of God!!! There's like a 5 to 10 lb window that needs to become obsolete so that my dress closes in the back. If not then I'm going to be wearing my shawl for the church all day. And possibly flashing people my back fat.

AWKWARD.

Anyway, I've decided Tuesdays the day. I'm minding what I eat this week, but after Cinco de Mayo on Saturday & the first day with our new staff on Monday I'm going to get back to it until Bridge's Bachelorette Party. And after that it's BACK ON THE WAGON again.

Uggggghhh. Why couldn't I have just ordered the right damn size? I wont be complaining when I look damn hotter. But for now I'm complaining. So get over it.

and send me encouragement. and workout ideas. and salad stuff.

I need to start living by this statement, I saw it on Pinterest the other day.

Don't reward yourself with food. you're not a dog.

Sometimes, I just wish I were...