Tuesday, May 22, 2012

My blessing & my curse

My life will never be a movie. I know this. I've convinced myself of this. Mostly.

So why can't I turn my brain off?

Imagination is probably one of the most dangerous things, I've been talking a lot about danger lately. Maybe I need a little in my life.

I don't know. I just, I guess, I just wish for the grand gesture.

A gesture that I'll never get.

I'm of the mind set that I don't want someone that doesn't want me.

And most of all I'm of the belief that things will fall in the place precisely when they're meant to.

God has His plan for me. There is nothing else in this world that I have ever been so sure of.

So maybe that's why when I get the slightest glimpse of an incling of what He is planning I grasp onto it. I hold onto it so tightly that even when I want to, I can't let go of it.

I just want it. I'm so ready for it.

And I don't like to judge other people's lives. Mine is nothing to write home about. But sometimes I look at woman who are older & still single & even though their lives are full & lovely I think "I don't want that. I'm terrified of that."

I don't want to discredit their choices. They have beautiful lives. But they're not the life I want.

I want a family. I want children. I want the wrap around porch with a swing for coffee on summer mornings.

And I know that maybe I'm not ready yet. That maybe I'm cookie dough & I'm not done baking. And He knows that.

But I feel done. And I'm ready to start.

But what if I never get it? One thing I know is that I will never get the fantastical life I've imagined in my head. I get that. That's something I know. But I cannot for the life of me stop creating it all in my head.

Having such an active imagination is my blessing & my curse.

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