The Right to Bear Arms

I have something to say. And I want to say it without being interrupted. So please, just listen.

When our Forefather's wrote in our Constitution that all citizens should have the Right to Bear Arms, THIS is not what they had in mind.

I don't want to take your guns away, hunters who legitimately know the proper uses for your weapon.
I don't want to take your guns away, trained home owner trying to protect your family.
I don't want to take your guns away, shop owner who's had a few scares and has decided to be trained to take action and protect your business.
I don't want to take your guns away.

I do want to make it a little bit harder for untrained, unhinged, individuals to get their hands on them.

I know, it's a small step and attempt and it may infringe on some of our privacy.

But guess what.

Our privacy has been infringed on. Those families privacy has been infringed on.

Poor gun control walked into their homes and left empty beds last night.
Poor gun control made it so that this Christmas will be the worst holiday of their lives.
Poor gun control invaded their privacy yesterday.
Poor gun control took away their right to The Pursuit of Happiness.

Because what they lost is something that they will never get back. Never.

So I'm very sorry if stricter gun laws will be an inconvenience to you. You know what else will be an inconvenience...

Explaining to brothers & sisters why their sibling isn't coming home from school today.
Returning Christmas gifts that were meant for a happy morning just 10 days away.
The inability to get out of bed because part of your heart is gone.

I cannot offer a solution. Lord knows there is not one that will please everyone.

But the truth is this. It is a gun control issue. It is a mental health issue. It is a human issue.

And we have to wake up an pay attention.

God bless those out in Oregon.

God bless those children. God bless those teachers that protected those children. Some with their lives.

God bless. God bless.

God. Bless.

God, hold them.

God give Your comfort and loving hand to their families.

Who am I kidding, this is all irrelevant. You've already got this...

All I want for Christmas is a Backbone

I just need to man up and get my life together. Pick myself up by my bootstraps, paste together the pieces of this life and grow the truck up. So, what I feel I need to do to get my life in order is listed below, but not limited to.

1. Finish at least one of the damn novels or plays I've been avoiding by February 14th. Why February 14th? Because A. it's a day of self loathing so if I have accomplished something by they "oh happy day!" and B. It's one of my best friends birthdays so I'll have something to offer her as a give. "Here is my heart and soul in literary form, you're welcome."

2. Keep on the healthy lifestyle track. From here on out I'm going to continue working out at least 3 times a week and try my darndest to watch what I put in my mouth. We've discussed (at length) that I will never be someone who does like mozzarella sticks or french fries or buffalo chicken pizza. But I don't like how I feel after I've eaten 5 tons of them. Moderation, my dear Watson.

3.Save some moneys. This one is so hard the do during the holidays. I did an OK job keeping gift costs down. I didn't spend over $40 on any one person. But I really need to get my act together, because...

4. Move out. I feel it. This is my year. I'd like to be out of my parents house by my 30th birthday so I can have raging party like most adults do. Maybe I'll get a kegerator as a gift. Fingers crossed.

5. Submit some scripts, you dumb scared sh*t.




I think that's a nice little jumping off point. Don't you?

Have an issue? Here's a tissue!

I got my nails did on Wednesday and it made me realize that I have got some issues. Like serious, should see a therapist, WTF is your problem? issues.

I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???

I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

What kind of crazy psycho is that???

Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.

I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???

And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?

What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.

It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.

The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?

Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.

Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!

1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!

2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.

3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.

In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.

In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.

About Time for a Fall Review

Here are the shows that I care enough to talk about. If I put all the shows that I enjoy this would be the longest post in the history of posts and would probably bore everyone.

Revenge has come back with, well a vengeance. Heheh... see what I did there? Anyway it opened back up with delisciousness, Victoria is alive (shocker! but not really...) Charlotte is alive! Declan & Jack are tortured poor souls. Amanda is coo coo pants. Nolan is sexy & Emily is off getting a refresher course in being a badass from Tokata (Wow, that's the first time I've ever gotten that name correct, ever). But the best part is Aidan, the new and improved lover for Ms. Thorne. He's dark, he's dangerous, he's devilishly handsome & most importantly... he's English. Colin Frizzle was not wrong, an English accent automatically makes you hotter to the tenth degree. Anyway, I'm not going to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't had a chance to catch up...but seriously, catch up. You're missing out on amazing soapy yum yums. And Aidan is sooooo worth it. Oh & Daniels still around too, pretending to be someone who could take over his fathers company. I know -- Hi-larious!

So Once Upon A Time ended last season and I was kind of like... umm OK dudes where are you going to go from here? What's your plan? But they're going in the right direction. If you haven't seen the first few episodes & you plan on it, stop reading now, because I cannot really talk about this particular show without giving away a few juicies. Ok, so the first is that Snow & Emma have been accidentally (or NOT so accidentally) sent back to magical fairy land. So just when true love had a chance to be awesome, not so much. But now the queen is trying to repent (a  bit) which I love, and win back Henry's trust. Charming is all "I'm the Sheriff, hear me roar!" which is a little annoying and a little sexy. Snow & Emma are over in La La Land making goo goo eyes at Mulan & Captain Hook (respectfully) and Sleeping Beauty is all "woah is me, Philip is dead & well I was sleeping he fell in love with Mulan." Hook is sexy as HELL so check out his gimpy hotness. But the absolute best part is that RENE IS HENRY'S DAD!!!! Well the actor who played Rene on True Blood is the sire to our little hero. And though we haven't seen him, we know that Pinocchio is awake because he promised to send Rene (I don't remember his character's name - sorry) a post card when he could finally be with Emma again & at the beginning of the first episode a pigeon (oh yeah fairy tale magic puts the animals of our world to work! Republicans would be so proud) drops of a post card from Storybrooke. So while Emma is falling for Hook, the love of her life is headed towards home. AWKWARD!

What can I say about Castle? I guess all I have to say is...BINGO!!!! I think that for the first time in television history the couple got together and the show didn't go down the shitter!!! (I'm looking at you Bones!) Caskett has to keep things under wraps while at work so that leaves room for it not to get super mooshy. Plus watching Ryan & Esposito figure out that the two of them are finally making woopy made me giggle like a school girl. Also, if you don't have a crush on Nathan Fillion, like a "Joss Whedon, put you in everything I make, never let you go," kind of crush... then you have no soul!

New Girl has, by some miracle, just gotten funnier. Admittedly the first few episodes were kind of rough. I was like "but how? but why?" but they've gotten back into the swing of thing. The most recent episode had Jess on her period, Nick learning how to chill out, Schmidt trying to (once again) steal CeCe away from her beau and Winston thinking he had inherited Jess' menstruation. Hilarity ensued. Just watch. Please?

There are no words for Happy Endings. None whatsoever. Just watch this show and laugh your tuchis off and then buy me a drink for sending you in it's direction. I know. I know. People say a bagillion times "Oh my God! this show like TOTALLY is me and my friends! Like totally!" but somehow the writing and acting of this show kismittley come together to create "ness" that is just SO realistic. The dynamics between all the friends is just, how life roles. ya know? I don't know. Just trust me and watch it. Plus, I am Teegan Arrowspeare. Yes now you have to watch so you understand that reference. I AM A MASTERMIND!!!

Ok now it's time to get real. The only NEW show that I'm even slightly moved to mention is Nashville because it's the only show that I would cry if they cancelled. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I would probably pay money to watch Connie Britton take a sh*t. Luckily I can watch her do much prettier things, like sing and act like a lady, for free. Then there's Eric Close who I normally love but he is such a backboneless twirp that I hate him. But I love that I hate him. Word!!! The music is also somewhere between the best thing ever and I want to bathe in it and I'm in love and iTunes probably loves my $1.29 every time I purchase a song. Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio rock my frickin' socks off with every song they sing. Charles Esten could take my close off any day. Oopps, did I say that out loud? And Hayden Panettiere's Juliette made me so flippin' angry the first few episodes and now guess what... Love her!!! To top it all off Jonathon Jackson is back! Remember when I loved him with my whole heart as Lucky on General Hospital. Oh man, I do. Anyway, catch this show. It's good. And though it doesn't yet compare with Revenge in it's soapiness, it definitely has my heart.

I hope this made you feel entertained and informed. I have to get back to work now! LATERRRR!!!

Honorable mentions include, but are not limited to:

Revolution

Raising Hope

The Mindy Project

Ben & Kate

Modern Family

Suburgatory

Elementary

The Most Grounded Girls

I'm a little kooky. I always have been. I always will be.

But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.

How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.

No. That's not true. I know where it began.

It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.

It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.

I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.

Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?

There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.

I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.

And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.

It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.

I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.

And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.

But anyway... I've come to some realizations.

A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.

B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.

C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?

D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)

5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!




Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to  him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.

Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.



I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...

Cookie Dough

Why is it so hard to re-convince your body to do things that are good for it. I have been off my strict regime for approximately 25 days and today was my first day easing back into eating better.

I haven't been completely off track but I have not been stopping myself from eating that 3rd slice of pizza either. (It's just so tasty!!!!)

And I definitely haven't kept up with my workouts either. I've gone on a few runs, done a few videos but really nothing to significant in comparison to before.

I know how much better I feel all around when I eat better and workout regularly, so why is it so very hard to get back into it?

It's also strange for me to think that it's only been a few weeks since Bridget's wedding. Since the incident of smexual schmasault. Since I descended into my dark place. A place that consists mainly of Jane Austen movies and pajama pants. But I climbed back out of it, as I always do. With a little help from self esteem boost and a swift kick in my own ass.

I was sad because I thought that I had lost something that never really existed. I re-read He's Just Not That Into You. Well the chapter(s) that directly related to my situation. And the one that was most pertinent was "He's Just Not That Into You If He Disappeared on You." It couldn't be any more clearer than that. Greg Berandt (the resident former douche bag author of the book) makes some very valid points regarding this:

1. Yes maybe his cat died. Yes maybe his dad got sick. Yes maybe all of the sudden work got real. fast. But do you really want the guy who can't take 30 seconds out of his "busy" life to shoot you a text to let you know what's up. Do you want the guy that doesn't think you're worth that?

I sure shit don't.

2. You want someone who will pursue you. No, you don't let them do all the work but it's nice to feel wanted. Don't let them get all that good feeling.

3. If a guy is interested in you  the way you deserve to be interested in, he will find you. No matter where no matter what.

And shit head knows where to find me.

So I've been working more on me these last few weeks. I re-opened my OK Cupid account. Which has been interesting. I've been hit on & begun a text thing with a 20 year old. That might be a train wreck waiting to happen. And I've realized I'm better than this person I was dissolving into.

I'm Janice F***ING McCrostie.

And maybe I will only be the awesome Aunt. But if that's my fate, I will be the awesome published Aunt. The one who's getting Oscar nods for their screen plays. The one with Pulitzers (ok that might be stretching it) The one with passion for herself and her work.

That's who I want to be. And as much as I love Lizzy Bennett and Anne Elliott they do not help me become that person.

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking.

Chicks are for Dicks.

So Baby Mama is on & that has inspired to me to create my list of movies that are seemingly chick flicks but in truth are not! Agree. Disagree. Add to the list. Whatever you feel you need to do. But I'm right, just FYI.

10. Baby Mama 

Tina Fey & Amy Poehler are genius in this movie. All the way down to Amy's stellar South Jersey / Philadelphia accent and Tina's neurotic behavior. Why should dudes enjoy this movie? Because you all say you love a woman with a good sense of humor, well... your welcome.

9. The Birdcage. 

This movie doesn't necessarily fall into the Chick Flick category but being that I don't believe any group of guys would be like "Hey, lets rent a movie tonight... how about The Birdcage?" I threw it in there because you should. Robin Williams and Nathan Lane are so funny and heartwarming I dare you not to love them. DARE YOU.

8. Easy A. 

Emma Stone is hilarity embodied. Anyone who contest this, I will Thunderdome with them (two will enter, one will leave). She has perfect comic timing, amazing facial expressions & isn't too hard on the eyes. If that isn't enough this movie also has Amanda Bynes being a crazy funny bitch. I can say bitch because her character is actually that. This movie is a perfect example of how woman can carry a comedic film & it can still be high-larious.

7. The Sweetest Thing.

In this amazing film, ahead of it's time, Cameron Diaz & Christina Applegate were the raunchy, dirty, honest ladies, saying things that we all think but men never hear us say, loooong before Kristen Wigg & Maya Rudolph did it. This was kind of a sleeper hit, if only for it's amazing road trip scenes & musical number.

6. Bridget Jones' Diary. 

Oh Bridget. Ohhhhh Bridget. Change that to Oh Janice and you have me. The crazy shit that Bridget pulls. The ridiculous behavior and word vomit are an excellent example of myself & most woman. But if you watch this particular film for no other reason besides seeing how a real woman battles and deals with her insecurities (in a very humorous way) and how a real man (sigh Mark Darcy, sigh) falls for a woman, than it will be worth it. Because he "likes her, very much, just as she is."

5. Overboard.

Goldie Hawn is brilliant. Kurt Russell is brilliant. And ALL of his 4 kids (including Roy) are brilliant. Watch it. Just watch it now. You wont regret it. If only for Goldie Hawn's thong bathing suit.

4. When Harry Met Sally.

'Nuff said. Billy Crystal being awesome and Meg Ryan being adorable before all the plastic surgery. This movie examines whether or not men and woman can be friends.

3. Crazy, Stupid, Love.

So this one really isn't a full on Chick Flick but Ryan Goslings hot body can throw some dudes off. But, if you can ignore your jealousy over his Abs & catching Emma Stone there is a very stellar relationship between Ryan & Steve Carrell that I think is pretty funny. Carrell's growth from a wormy man who lost his "manhood" back into himself & Goslings transformation from a womanizer into someone who respects (at least one) woman show how friendship can make you a better and stronger person.

2. Bridesmaids.

It's just funny OK. It did for female comedians what The Sweetest Thing tried to do about 5 years ago. It proved that woman can be hilarious and sexy. It proved that beautiful can be funny. It proved that beautiful can be raunchy. It let men everywhere know that woman use their words to be just as dirty as all the men out there & then we laugh about it. Yes, yes, we laugh about pooping and farting and penis' cause they're funny looking.

1. Love Actually.

The name of this one turns most men off immediately, which is why I chose this super awesome photo of Bill Nighe so you know I'm for serious. Yes there is lovey dovey parts to this film, but they are only a small tiny itty bitty aspect to the bigger picture. How could you not laugh at Bill's desperate attempt to beat out the teeny bopper boy band for number one pop record (Christmas is All Around). And how could you not find it unbelievable funny that Colin Frizzle comes to America & gets hit on by a collection of hot ladies all because of his "sexy British accent" (it's true... we all know it's true... stop denying ladies, you could look like the tale end of a donkey but if you have a British accent the chances of you getting in my pants increase by 1,000). And if that was not enough there's all the amazing actors, showing off their stellar skills. Just trust me. Truuuuust me. It's one of my dad's favorite movies & he doesn't really like anything that was made after 1970.

Now Comes the Hard Part.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. But what about fool me three times?

After the drunk dial of last month we talked a bit. Via text message and phone. I'm not saying that we were anywhere near relationship town but it was nice. I wasn't talking about it with anyone so I wasn't stressing and we even talked on the phone some. It was nice. It was slow and nice.

Then it all just stopped. I get nothing. Hello? Is this thing on?

I'm sure my drunk dial after Bridget's wedding on Friday night didn't help. All I remember saying is "I'm going to regret this in the morning."

And I did.

And I do.

And I texted twice apologizing. The second text I even called myself a C U Next Tuesday. I mean I literally used that abbreviation for it, the real word would have been a little strong. But to no avail. Apparently whatever I said in that voice mail was unforgivable.

But was it? I don't think so. I think that I'm just not on his priorities list right now.

And I f***ing should be.

But now comes the hard part. If my science is has anything to do with it there is distinct probability that in 30 days I will be craving him again. Craving those feelings that I had when I was with him. Craving his kisses. I can only hope that I can be strong.

Because as crankypants as all the love stories around me have made me, they've done something amazing for me too. They made me remember what I should be excited for, what I should wait for.




In other news, Karoake last night with Emily was BOSSSS. I'll tell you about it tomorrow.

Here's What's Scary

If you have a perpetual desire to protect me, in the way that a father, brother or uncle would, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you don't want to think less of me as a human being, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you have, in the past or present, dropped your head into your hands because of something I have said or done, I definitely suggest you quit reading right now because you will not like what you read.

If however, you enjoy thorough honesty, a little bit of ridiculous behavior and over all debauchery. This post is for you.

Now that I've peaked your interest, let me continue.

It's interesting what a broken heart can do. As horrible as New Moon (the second in the Twilight series) is, I find that my inner Bella is peaking out a bit over the last few months. And yes as much as I despise the series and the character, even the strongest woman has a little weakness in her. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

Anyway. What I've found that I've been doing is putting myself in situations with men that normal Janice would never do. Maybe it's the few extra beers in my system. Maybe it's my pathetic need to feel wanted. Maybe I just want to feel something instead of sadness. Maybe, no definitely, I'm trying to find someone who's kisses make me forget about his. That much I know is true.

The first time I realized I may be pushing it was a few weeks ago when I was at the beach wedding. We were all schwaisted and I almost slept with someone who didn't even really want me. He had made it very apparent that he wanted to sleep with my friend. But I was just going for it. Luckily my brain woke up & I sent him packing. To the other bed. Where my friend was. So I got sexiled & therefor drunk dialed him. Worst.

So if that sordid tale were to live by itself in the month of July then all would be right in the world. But it doesn't live there alone because I did something again this weekend that scared myself.

After an epic wedding we of course hit up the hotel bar. After the hotel bar we of course, hung out in the lobby. And after that I made friends with some gentleman who were staying at the hotel attending another wedding. Most of them seemed really nice and sweet. One was a total douche bag but at least he was a wolf in sheep's clothing.The one guy seemed sweet and innocent enough. So I asked him to walk me to my room. Ok fine I asked to make out in the elevator. That's where it all went to scary town.

When we got to my floor he opened a laundry room door and pulled me in. We kissed for a little but then he started pulling my dress down and pulling my skirt up.

I told him I'm not doing this and pushed him away. He stepped in front of me and said "We don't have to do anything you don't want to" and I told him I don't want to do any of this. He stepped aside.

He easily could have NOT stepped aside.

I know sexual assault is nothing to joke about, but the next morning it was all I could do to joke about it because the reality of what almost happened was too much. I went, alone, into an vacant room with someone I didn't know at 2:30 in the morning. I could be telling a completely different story right now. One that doesn't end with something that rhymes with "smexually smashmaulted" Which at 10 AM over a plate of eggs was the funniest thing ever. Now that it's all set in, I feel very dirty. I feel very disgusted. I feel like I've really let myself down.

Since he who must not be named broke my heart, and lets be honest with ourselves, that's what he did, I've let myself drink too much. I've let myself drunk dial (yup, I called him after the wedding, before the almost incident above). It's like if I can feel anything, fear, disgust, self loathing, anger, anything is better than what I am feeling.

Because what I am feeling... is nothing.

You see, I keep holding onto this guy because I believe(d) there is a connection there that cannot have been for nothing. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think it was a figment of my imagination.

I don't know why  my behavior has been so poor. I don't know why I've been acting like I don't respect myself. Because I do. I wish I had some great answer for you. But I need to dial it down a bit. I need to get back to who I was before this person infiltrated my mind. I'll get there. I know I will/can.

But for right now? I'm cutting back on the partying until I make better choices. It'll just be better for everyone involved...

Raise Your Glass

Apparently I have a way with words. Or so I've heard. But it is true that my toast at my best friend's wedding this weekend was fairly bangin' so I figured as an introduction back into blogging I'd post it here for you all to read, peruse, enjoy, whatever...


There is a Dr. Seuss quote that goes: 

"We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."


And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly describes my friendship with Bridget. When we first became friends about 15 years ago it seemed almost instantaneous. I had found someone who truly understood me. 

So I'm going to tell you Bridget & Arthur's love story from the point of view of the best friend who was over 2,000 miles away when it happened. I got to know Arthur through facebook & skype & email. I got to hold Bridget's hand when we were in Barcelona and she'd been away from Arthur for about 2 weeks (the longest up to that time) and she was crying because she missed him so much. *CRAP* (this is where I lost my place and spilled champagne on my speech)

Then when I got home I got to see what all the fuss was about. I got to see not only the man my friend was in love with, but the guy who had won over all of friends. 

When Bridget called me to tell me that they were engaged, I can't lie I started to cry. Instantly I was 6 years old again and someone was stealing my best friend. But then I realized something amazing. I was not losing a best friend, Arthur wasn't stealing Bridget away. Instead, I have gained another best friend. Another person I can love and depend on.

I know that I can count on the McMahons to help with with whatever life throws my way. And that makes me truly blessed. 

Congratulations to Bridget & Arthur, you're a beautiful couple and I'm so glad to call you both my best friends. 

Biting the Bullet

It's that time of life again. That time when something BIG comes up and all you want is that special someone to go with you.

When I was 18 that was prom. No one asked me. Whatever.

But I still bought myself 2 tickets because I knew I'd find someone who would want to spend this magical night with me. No one asked and there was no one I wanted to take.

I ended up taking a friend from work, who was, for the lack of better terminology... a creeper.

Whatever I looked hot, I was told I looked hot by a crush and at the end of the day it was a good day to be 18.

After that couple-y things slow down throughout college. You could have someone with you but it's not the end of the world & you could always find a guy friend willing to attend a sorority formal. After all... a bunch of super sexy sorority girls in cocktail dresses, drinking cocktails is not something many college boys will aim to miss.

Then you graduate. And the weddings start. I've posted before about being the leper at the bar during friend's weddings. I shall play my part. Because I have curves and I'm not afraid to use them. Weddings I'm not afraid of. Weddings I can handle.

But then something else loomed on the horizon...

my 10 year high school reunion.

And guess what...

I'm still single. I'm still curvy. I'm still fabulous & funny.

So why was I so afraid to purchase only 1 ticket for this event? Do I really want someone tagging along, following me around as I talk to people I kinda sorta cared about? (sorry if any of you are reading this but... come on! you know it's true!)

Anyway, I bit the hypothetical bullet. I purchased a ticket. A. Ticket. I'm going solo to this event. If I meet someone between then and now that I would like to bring, then I will purchase another Ticket. But otherwise...

I'm embracing my single-hood in a way I've avoided in the past. I've never hated being single. In fact I've enjoyed it in the past. I don't think that my dislike of going to things alone has anything to do with my not being in a relationship.

It has to do with just being tired of doing things along.

Tired of inconveniencing friends.

Tired of bringing my mom to things.

I love her. But. really.

My dating life has been a rocky road. But the best things are never easy right?

So I'm going to my 10 year high school reunion SOLO. I'm not bringing my best gay. I'm not asking the hottie with the body at work. I'm not bringing my mom.

That is my choice. And I'm damned proud of it.

Broken Promises

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry over you again. I broke that promise today.

Because 3 hours after I texted you, you still hadn't responded.

And maybe if that hadn't been your M-O for the last 2 weeks of this tangled web I wouldn't have minded. But it just seemed to me like whenever I said anything that you didn't know how to respond to you just ignored it. Like I would just go away if you let me set long enough. I wish it worked that way.

I'm not blaming you. That's one thing you have to understand. None of this is your fault. Because I chose to step back into the fire. That was my choice.

I wanted something that was never there. I think anyway.

But you're playing so cool that I'm freezing. And I don't like the person I've become when it comes to you.

That terrifies me.

When other guys have hurt me or treated me bad I've flipped them the bird and walked away.

And for some reason with you I wasn't prepared to do that.

I think there was something in the way you looked at me.

Something in the way you kissed me.

But those amazing things do not make up for you never texting first or for you not responding to texts or for not returning phone calls.

Not anymore. Not for me.

And that obsessive behavior made me break a promise to myself. That's the worst kind of promise to break.

I feel like I have to say again that all of this is on me. You told me what you were available for.

And I want so bad to be that girl. The girl who can lay in your arms and not get completely lost in what we could be. In how I've imagined us to be.

You said that we don't know what the future holds. One time you said "In a week I could be dead."

And I get that outlook. That's where your at. Whatever.

But in my attempt to not over think because of that reason I then think "If you don't know what tomorrow brings, don't you want me today?"

I finally said it out loud today. And now I'll say it again. I don't know who this person is anymore.

I know every other piece of Janice, except for the piece that would do anything to see your face. Except the person who tells you absolute truths without hesitation and makes themselves completely vulnerable to every move you make and word you speak. The person who got so lost in trying to make you see what you could have that I lost who I am.

You've been deleted out of my phone. After my last text that sounded crazy pants I deleted you. Because I don't like feeling crazy. And every time you ignore one of my text or phone calls I start to feel even more insane. Even more like I've pushed myself into this place.

I believe in signs. Always have. So when I ran into you a few weeks ago I thought it was one. I'm not sure anymore.

And I still hope that maybe a few months or a year from now, maybe we'll find our time.

They say everything is timing.

But for now I'm sad and here's why.

I've realized you are not ever going to call and that you will probably never text.

Not without my prompting.

And that makes me sad.

Because even though I think I'm crazy I know you feel what I feel. Or could or will or should have.

But as for me.

I will no longer be a slave to my phone. I will no longer live and breathe by a little green light and an envelope.

I broke a promise to myself.

I tried to be easy breezy. And you tried to teach me. And I thought we balanced. But you can't balance when one person has chosen to carry 90% of the weight.

Why did I do this to me?

I wish and pray that one day you realize that you are kind and smart and beautiful and caring and loving and loyal and everything that I saw. And that you deserve everything that this too sweet and good girl had to offer.

You deserved me to fall for you. For all the things someone buried that you can't see anymore. You deserve me.

But now I'm done, for now, I'm done. My heart and mind can't take this anymore and those are two far to precious things to be screwing with.

After all, you never know what tomorrow may bring. But to spend another day of this life hoping you'll wise up and come around is just not an option for me anymore.

I've done all I can. I think I've given all I have. I've given all I have to someone who I met 2 months ago who doesn't want it right now.

How crazy is that???

It's crazy.

and I'm crazy. but I'm not that kind of crazy.

come around. come. come around.

someday.

come around.

until then.

i'll hope.

i can have hope.

but i wont pretend anymore.

Perspective

Last night, I gained some.

It's such a tangled twisted ridiculous horrible amazing thing. Isn't it?

And for some reason it's the one thing NO ONE has when it comes to the first few months of a new romance.

$ & socks boy and I have been talking again and we're "taking it slow" which I thought I was fine with. And then I asked him what he was up to this weekend via text & he never responded. Then, because I'm desperate & pathetic I pretty much offered him some major heavy petting and he still never responded.

Don't I at least merit a response? Even if it's "Thanks, but no thanks?"

I'll get the message.

And that non-response almost ruined my night. I say almost because instead of moping, which was really high on my list for things to do, I went out with my friend Christine.

We were on a mission to meet someone for her. My head and heart are too much a mess to deal with it all right now. But our mission, if was so choose to accept it, was to find someone to smooch her.

Of course I would meet someone. OF COURSE!

Honestly I don't know what I'm doing except that he is super cute and apparently totally into my hotness. Haha. It's actually kind of hysterical bc before we started talking I saw him across the bar and said to my friend "How is that boy even old enough to be in this bar right now?'

He is old enough. By exactly enough.

But he was also the only one who saw my ID lying beneath my bar stool and picked it up for me. I must have dropped it about 30 minutes before and no one else picked it up for me. So we ended up chatting with him all night. And for 21 he had his game down pat. He talked to me but took time to talk to my friend too. And he walked us to our cars at the end of the night.

He walked away and I didn't give him my number. But Christine was like "WHY WOULDN'T YOU GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER???"

and I was like... uhhh bc he's 21!!!! And she said I shouldn't care. So I didn't. I called after him and said "Tim, I know it's kind of cougar-esc but would you like my number?"

and he said.

"I would love your number."

And we've been texting pretty much all day.

Here's why this interaction was awesome.

Bc first of all, it's awesome to have someone react to you. Want to speak to you. Answer your texts.

I don' t know where this will go. But this guy is a genuinely sweet person and I'd like to get to know him better. So what if it's 50 Shades of Grey in reverse. No, it wont go that far. Creepy.

But I would like to get to know someone who treats me like I should be treated.

Anyway, guess who texted me apologizing this afternoon for falling asleep last night. Yup. $ & Socks.

And guess what... I'm not chasing after him anymore. But that doesn't mean I wont have fun with him either...

A Plate of Lettuce

So I just made myself lunch after a fairly successful and productive day / morning.

I finished the novel I was reading called Outlander. An interesting read if one is ever looking. But you must enjoy sexy swashbuckling Scots, which who doesn't?

Then I cleaned my room to the rhythm of a lovely dance party. Thank you Nicki Minaj for sponsoring that partay.

I finished my new craft that will hopefully keep me motivated. Here is a beautiful photograph that's thanks to Instagram. The idea is thanks to Pinterest!!!

The idea is that I move stones from the "Pounds to Lose" Cup into the "Pounds Lost" Cup. Since I've moved home from Scotland I've lost 20 lbs, so that's what's already in that cup. And the Celebratory Drink is exactly what it says it is. My plan is to have a drink out of that B-E-A-UTIFUL cup once every 5lbs lost.

After I finished my craft, I won a staring contest with Daisy and then did a Jillian Michaels DVD that kicked my tuchus.

Then I played on Pinterest some more. Something new and interesting for me!!!

After that I solidified plans to see the love Emily Maditz on Sunday. There are... no... words... for. the. happy.

Any who how, when I finally went to make myself a meal (instead of the peach and bite of pasta salad I had eaten thus far) I found myself staring at the same plate of lettuce I'd been eating for the last few days. So today I decided to shake things up. Thus the title of this post. Here is a short list of the way I spice up my salads. Mind you doing ALL of these at one time makes the salad much less healthy. So I will usually choose 1 or 2 of these at a time. Bon Appetite!!!

1. Feta. Feta. I love you. Will you marry me? Thanks.
2. Craisens. nom nom nom.
3. Walnuts. (or whatever types of nuts. whatever nuts you like)
4. Lemon & a little olive oil in place of calorie filled dressings. Squeeze a little of that on top... mmm.
5. A little salt and / or a little pepper.
6. Deli meat... I love me some turkey or chicken. Only one or 2 slices... don't go crazy.
7. Red, yellow or orange peppers (I'll eat this with nadda, not like an apple bc the seads target my vom reflex)
8. Avacado. I don't think I need to say anymore about this.
9. Salmon patty.
10. And my guilty guilty once in a blue moon I'm feeling glutonous pleasure... ranch dressing.

My Strange Addiction

So last Friday I went out for a drink with a friend after work. We went to a pub right here in the town where the theatre is. For those that don't now, he who must not be named lives here in Madison.

Yes, since you're asking, I ran into him.

It was really weird. Mostly bc although I kept hoping and wish and believing it would be a sign to run into him somewhere, I was really surprised. So surprised in fact that my heart was pounding and I was super awkward. So awkward in fact that I asked how he was & then didn't let him answer.

So I texted later to find out for sure & we texted back and forth a bit that night but then didn't talk again until I texted him on Weds.

When he picked me up in his new truck.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. All I know is that when I kiss him my brain shuts off and all I care about is kissing him more.

And that's addictive.

I also realized that he's the only man who's ever called me beautiful, adorable, gorgeous and made me believe it. The first man who's ever made me feel desirable.

That is also very addictive.






So we road around for like 15 minutes basking in our awkwardness. Finally he asked "Why are you here? You should hate me?" and I agreed but told him that for some f-ed up reason I don't. That I can't get him off my mind. He said that he's an asshole and I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He said that 'if this were a movie, I would be the villain.' I told him I don't agree. That I'm really good at reading people and he is not as bad as he thinks he is. And I also told him that in some f-ed up way he is just as good for me as I am for him.

Eventually I told him "listen, if you're not looking for something with me bc you're not interested or you're not ready, that's one thing. But if you're avoiding me bc you think it's some gallant way of protecting me from you bc you're not good enough for me than that's not your decision to make." I also told him "If you're not ready for a relationship than I don't want you anyway." then I told him I lied and that I do want him just not yet. Then I told him when he's ready he should take me on a date.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't want people thinking I'm stupid but there is just something about this guy that makes me not want to give up yet. There's something about him I'm not willing to let go of yet.

and maybe that makes me stupid. Maybe that makes me naive.

I don't have my rose colored glasses on anymore. So maybe this time the fall out wont be a week of me crying myself to sleep.

Maybe it will.

But it's kind of a risk I want to take.

So that's me in a nutshell. you're all caught up and caught upsky.

I'm not suicidal.

I was told that my posts were depressing. So I took a break.

I'm still not making any promises about this one.

I don't want to depress people, but I want to be real.

If I have to pretend to be happy in life every day than at least I can be real on my own damn blog right?

I mean jeeze.

Ok, now that that steam has been blown.

Life is ok. Life is good. My outlook on it is a little shady, but I'm trucking along. That's all you can ask right.

My uncle called today because his friend, who is friends with me on FB for whatever reason called him bc I had posted a suicidal poem on my wall.

Ok people, if I'm going to kill myself I'm not going to announce it on FB first.

I let my uncle know it was just a Sheryl Crow lyric.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we could hop a flight to anywhere?
Well, so long to this life!
So much for pretending, cause bad lucks never ending.
And too much time I've been spending,
With my heart in my hands waiting for time to come & mend it.
I can't cry anymore."

Next time I'll put ~Sheryl Crow~ after it so that everyone  knows I'm not taking a one way trip to Jesus' house.

I think I need more coffee.

I have about 10 pounds to loose before my dress for Bridget's wedding will fit me. I'm so hungry all the time!!!

This person who knows who they are but will remain nameless that said I need to be less depressing said that I should talk about what's good in my life. All the reasons I'm not going to kill myself.

My job & the people I work with are so fetch.
I'm in the final processes of writing a play that is being produced in late July.
I'm pretty.
(not so much right now in my PJs, glasses and f***ed up hair but most of the time.)
I have a trip planned next month to the beach for one my bestest friends weddings.
My other bestest friend is getting married a few weeks after that.

oh hey and I have no dates.

Oh, right, happy stuff.

I'm  not going crazy. or at least my friend Abbi tells me I'm not.
I'm not suicidal. So I have that going for me.

I think I'll make more coffee.

Just because I'm  not going crazy doesn't mean that I'm not going schyszophrenic. (sp?)

It's wrong.

La.

La. La.

Yes he's still on my mind.

All
the
time

God's response:

Not that He actually gave me one. I'm crazy but I'm not hearing voices crazy.

But I'm pretty sure this is what He would say.



Janice,

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Know that when you hurt, I hurt too. So that's not fun.

But did I really do all this? I gave you free will & listen sister, you're the one who let you're imagination run away.

He's a good guy and things were good. But you started making plans.

And yes, he gave you every reason to believe that there was a future there. He accidentaly talked about the future, on more than one occasion.

But you took that and ran with it. You created happy little stories of a happy little life with someone you barely knew. You let yourself fall so hard. Remember: Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

I guess that could be my fault as well considering I gave you that over active imagination and a heart on your sleeve. You're welcome & I'm sorry.

And I know you keep praying and asking and hoping. I hear it all, even when you don't want me to hear it. I know that you think the harder you pray and ask and hope the sooner My plan will unfold.

But baby that's not how this works.

I've got it figured out & it's going to be spectacular. Just be patient.

And yes, I know that's much, much, much easier said than done.

Just trust me.

Love you lots.

Like lots a lots.

More than you could ever know.

Your BFF,
G.O.D

A Prayer: Part 2

God,

I try to make a point of not questioning You. And I do pretty well with it. I also recognize that sometimes I don't see why You do the things You do until later. Looking back. And all that good stuff.

But I have a pretty big question for you. A pretty big bone to pick actually.

I was happy. I was comfortable. I was looking at my life with contentment & joy. My job made me happy. My friends made me happy. My family made me happy. I made me happy. My life made me happy.

That's a gross amount of happy.

But You had a plan & You executed that plan & now... guess what? I'm not so happy.

I'm happy enough. My life is still good. But you gave me a glimpse of something just to take it away.

And I don't understand. I don't know why you gave me that, just to take it away? What's next?

Now I'm just left here, thinking...

Thinking...

I'm a good person. I do good things. I'm not perfect but the sum of all my parts = a fairly good person. Why.

Why?

I wasn't lonely.  I was happy being single. For the first time in a forever I was like "screw this... being single is whats up."

Until  I met someone that made me not want to be single.

And You did that. That was all You.

Why?

Because now he creeps back into my mind umpteen times a day.

I can't wait for the morning that I wake up & don't hope for a text message from him.

The day that the split second between when my phone starts vibrating & the display shows a name doesn't drip with suspense.

And I know what he did to me. I know it was wrong & mean & I shouldn't hope that he'll come around.

But You know better than anyone that I don't feel like this often. That I don't fall like this a lot. The few. The Proud.

So why did You do this?

What's Your plan?

Besides some lesson I've yet to learn.

I guess I'm just wondering...

My blessing & my curse

My life will never be a movie. I know this. I've convinced myself of this. Mostly.

So why can't I turn my brain off?

Imagination is probably one of the most dangerous things, I've been talking a lot about danger lately. Maybe I need a little in my life.

I don't know. I just, I guess, I just wish for the grand gesture.

A gesture that I'll never get.

I'm of the mind set that I don't want someone that doesn't want me.

And most of all I'm of the belief that things will fall in the place precisely when they're meant to.

God has His plan for me. There is nothing else in this world that I have ever been so sure of.

So maybe that's why when I get the slightest glimpse of an incling of what He is planning I grasp onto it. I hold onto it so tightly that even when I want to, I can't let go of it.

I just want it. I'm so ready for it.

And I don't like to judge other people's lives. Mine is nothing to write home about. But sometimes I look at woman who are older & still single & even though their lives are full & lovely I think "I don't want that. I'm terrified of that."

I don't want to discredit their choices. They have beautiful lives. But they're not the life I want.

I want a family. I want children. I want the wrap around porch with a swing for coffee on summer mornings.

And I know that maybe I'm not ready yet. That maybe I'm cookie dough & I'm not done baking. And He knows that.

But I feel done. And I'm ready to start.

But what if I never get it? One thing I know is that I will never get the fantastical life I've imagined in my head. I get that. That's something I know. But I cannot for the life of me stop creating it all in my head.

Having such an active imagination is my blessing & my curse.

Closure Is A Figment of No Ones Imagination

One person ruined my week. A stranger ruined my week.

But in two weeks I became so attached to someone that when they disappeared they ruined my week.

And I'm ok with that. I'm happy that I am still open enough that I can feel that much. And I hated last week. But not enough to hate him.

This morning I had a kind of epiphany. I'm going to stand up for my broken heart. And here's why.

I thought I was going crazy. One of my biggest fears in life is that I'm psyczophrenic. I can't even spell it & I fear it. Lame.

So when I didn't hear from him, I seriously began to wonder if I was going mad.

But I had his socks. It was from this adorable moment at his place when he noticed my feet were cold so he went & got me some socks. And put them on my feet for me. It was sweet.

So last week I hated those socks. They sat clean on my bed, on my dresser, in my work bag, haunting me.

Saying "this is the piece of happy you thought you had but PSYCH!!!"

And I should have had a fun weekend, it was my best friends Bachelorette party. And I did. But in the back of my mind all I could think about was how I wanted to text him. Call him. Be near him. And one of my friends just started dating this new guy & I didn't expect her to not talk about him. But I couldn't stand it. She just got out of a long term relationship and she's already found someone new. When will it be my turn? Whens my happily ever after, for now?

By yesterday, a week since I heard from him, I was still crying. Still upset. Still wondering why & what the fuck. Still wanting to call him.

After weeks of talking every day, of being in what successfully played off as the beginning of a relationship, he checked out.

And left me with the hotel bill of emotions.

But this morning I woke up with a new sense of direction. I was pissed. I was tricked into liking this guy. I was fooled into falling hard. And this time I had the means & the opportunity to stand up for my heart.

I had his socks.

& the $20 he gave me for gas weeks ago.

So after work I went over to his house & when he opened the door I said "I would have called to tell you I was coming over but you're not answering my texts so I figured you wouldn't answer my phone calls."

He apologized. Of course. He was busted. He said he meant to call, he wanted to call, but didn't know what to say.

I said "there are a few things that you could have said. Some being

'I'm seeing someone else'
'I'm not looking for a relationship right now.'
Or
'I'm not interested in seeing you anymore.'

Just for starters."

He told me what happened last weekend. Or at least what he was willing to tell me. He told me that because of all that he is in no place for a relationship right now & that's what I deserve. I told him "you know what else I deserve? a phone call."

We debated. Maybe I looked like the crazy girl who shows up at the guy that she's only been seeing for two weeks house with a pair of socks. But you know what? I wasn't going crazy & his behavor made me think that I was. So it was not ok for him to just glide along. For once I stood up for myself & on a scale of one to Kelly Clarkson songs... I felt STRONGER.

And still. I told him to call me when he gets his shit together. I made no promises that I would be available (Because I'm awesome) but that I really wanted him to call.

He has not idea how amazing he is. Seriously. Because even after he treated me like shit, I'm not going to give up on him. And hopefully one day, he will call. Hopefuly one day, the stars will align. I said everything I wanted to say to him except one thing, that I think we're good for each other. I told him I was crazy about him. Told him I think he's a fool for passing this up. Hell, I even told him that he ruined my week. But I forgot to tell him that. So that one day, maybe, he'll know too. This is make me sound even more loco... anyway...

Meanwhile, there's a beautiful cast of actors rehearsing below me 6 days a week. And a gorgeous facilities manager to flirt with. And a life to live.

And maybe he just fed me a line of bullshit that I believed. But at least I know I'm not losing my mind.

And as far as the socks & $20 dollars go. He wanted me to keep them. He told me to keep the socks in my car in case I need them to keep my feet warm and the money for the gas I used coming out to see him. I said "I don't want your socks. Why would I want something hanging around reminding me of you if you aren't around."

He gave me an ultimatum. He would take the cash or the socks.

I gave him the socks.

Maybe

The thing that no one warns you about hope is that it leaves you more vulnerable than anything else ever could.

I know I haven't been around in a while & so you're all confused. All you have to know is that I was (am?) seeing someone. Was. I think it's was.

I have abandonment issues. Always have. Every guy I  have ever dated has decided overnight (one of them, literally) that they were no longer interested in seeing me. So now, just because I haven't heard from this guy in 3 days, I'm losing faith.

The dangerous thing about hope is that you keep it so close to your heart that when dissappointment sets in, it's worse than anything. And whatever we had, it was quick. I mean only 2 weeks, but it felt real. As real as anything I've ever felt anyway. I guess it felt like more than this.

And I'm picky as hell.

But there's no evidence, no trail as to why I'm left out in the cold. Maybe he's busy. Maybe I'm overreacting. & maybe if I didn't have the past experiences that I do I wouldn't care, but I do. I can't help that.

The dangerous thing about hope is that every time I give myself a little more, I'm brought down that much harder when it proves false. Every time I tell myself "no, he'll call me back." "he'll definitely text back." "maybe. maybe. maybe."

Those maybes suck.

I don't know what the hell could have happened on Saturday that made him realize this is over. It would be nice to know. I'd love to know.

Did I jinx it? I told like a whopping 3 people I was seeing someone. Did I ruin this?

The little piece of my heart that was falling for this guy is broken. And it's so hard to keep hoping. Maybe he's just busy. Maybe something happened and he's just not in the mood to talk to anyone. Maybe. Maybe... maybe.

Maybe he's the President of the United States. Maybe he has a space shuttle launch later.

If he's not calling you, he's just not that into you.

But hope. Hope is so dangerous. Because this person who is basically a stranger to me has me hoping. Has me being "that girl."

Closure is a figment of no one's imagination. It's one of the most real things. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe he realized it.

But overnight it happened again. And overnight I'm reminded why I'm so damn picky.

Maybe I'll feel like a psycho for this particular reaction. Maybe he'll call & have a explanation I'm happy with & I will be extremely embarassed about all of this.

Maybe.

Maybe.

Off the Wagon

I have fallen, so hardcore off the the diet wagon there are hardly words.

I had 3 weeks of really great work, lost like 5 or 6 lbs. Then it happened. I began to drink again.

So that's it. That's my defining factor of dieting. Annoying. Because life is life and I have fun when I drink. And I have a lot going on right now that's just a little bit more fun if I can have a cold one.

I need to figure out that delicate balance between drinking one day a week and being really good on my diet the rest of the time. And I need to get my ass back to the gym. BAD.

Here's why. Don't tell her, Bridget, but my bridesmaids dress doesn't fit. Oh sweet mother of God!!! There's like a 5 to 10 lb window that needs to become obsolete so that my dress closes in the back. If not then I'm going to be wearing my shawl for the church all day. And possibly flashing people my back fat.

AWKWARD.

Anyway, I've decided Tuesdays the day. I'm minding what I eat this week, but after Cinco de Mayo on Saturday & the first day with our new staff on Monday I'm going to get back to it until Bridge's Bachelorette Party. And after that it's BACK ON THE WAGON again.

Uggggghhh. Why couldn't I have just ordered the right damn size? I wont be complaining when I look damn hotter. But for now I'm complaining. So get over it.

and send me encouragement. and workout ideas. and salad stuff.

I need to start living by this statement, I saw it on Pinterest the other day.

Don't reward yourself with food. you're not a dog.

Sometimes, I just wish I were...

Meh. Meh meh meh. Meh.

I could spend this post talking about that TROLL Stanley but at the end of the day my uncle is right... those comments were coming straight from his mother's basement, probably while he masterbated to pictures of Justin Bieber. So I say we all move on.

And instead lets talk about the last two weekends which have been legend....waitforit....DARY!

Haha. Anyway. Last weekend I went down to Deleware to the wedding of one of my oldest friends Kristina. The wedding was beautiful & I actually ended up getting to practice my House Management skills as I was needed to fluff Kris' dress before she walked down the aisle, close the doors & seat late comers. Ahhhh a professionals work is never done.

Emily road down with me so I didn't have to drive the 2 & 1/2 hours alone which was good bc Sunday morning I was in no shape to drive at all ever again in the history of the world.

So of Friday when we got down there we decided to hit up the bar next door. Our bartender was a stunning example of the male species. He was gorgeous.

I realized I do this thing when I think some one is too good looking for me where I don't give a shit. I'm kind of like "Even if this person is into me, I will never believe that they are into me, so what the hell..." Plus I had my first beer in about 4 weeks so I was feeling loosy goosy. The even better thing is that I realized I have not lost my ability to read people, hard core.

I was like "Emily, I bet this guy is a serial monogomast." She was like "naaa he's in love with his best friend." So I asked him. Turned out he was both, but more of a serial monogomast than in love with his ex-gf. So We continued to chat. I continued to ask him questions about his life. Some personal, some not. And he answered ALL of them. So freely that Em was like "do you get these questions a lot?"

And Ray (that's his name, Ray, we go way back) was like "No never."

So he was off helping other patrons of the fine establishment and I made another bet, I doubled down that ALL his ex-es were tiny brunette girls. They were. I know because he showed us pictures of them on his cell phone.

I let him know this meant he still had feelings for them. He informed me that he didn't.

The best was when I go "Emily, I bet money that Ray (a Phillies fan) will know not only the year that the Mets last won the World Series, but the team."

When asked Ray responded. "1986 - That was a great year! An awesome Roster!" And began to list players by name.

Dear Ray, thanks for being awesome & putting up with my ridiculousness. You rock.

The wedding was the following day & we danced the night away, I drank way way way too much. Had a little bit too much fun. And lived life.

Sunday was a Buffalo Wild Wings in my belly type of day.

This past weekend was Bridget's Bridal Shower. The week was a bit stressful leading up to it so I am happy that it's done. Everyone was a big help and it was a big hit. But. But.

I drank for 14 hours.

Guests began to arrive, the room was decorated, the hall directors had taken over & I was drinking. It was ---- AWESOME!

The shower went off without a hitch & afterward we all went out for dinner and drinks. Ahh dinner.

The place was BYOB & it was Saturday so Kari & I went ahead to get a table. We didn't know we had to babysit them at the liquor store. They rolled up with one bottle of white, one bottle of red, a 6 pack of Coors Light & a Heinekin mini keg. There were 7 of us.

We kicked the keg. We kicked the 6 pack. Jules kicked the red & there was one glass of white left. We left it as part of our tip.

We. were. raging.

Later that night I met a cute guy and had a told "I don't want this night to end" night. We had a really good time. I was wasted, but I know I wanted him to call. I still do. I think I told him this. But if he doesn't, I know why.

It was definitely one of those situations where you're so comfortable with someone plus kind of really totally wasteface, so you're crazy honest. And I was. I was myself which meant blabbermouth magee up in here.

Today there was a missed call on my phone from a number I don't recognize. They didn't leave a message. I tried to call them back & it rang twice then told me the user had not set up a voicemail. I want to call again. Part of me doesn't understand why I can't. But everyone is telling me I shouldn't. To wait. And part of me knows that's true. I want the guy who wants to call me, again if I don't pick up the first time.

And it's not even that that is torturing me. It's not knowing if it was him. That is what is KILLLLLING ME!!!! haha.

Sweet baby Jesus I HATE being this girl. I'm rarely this girl.

The worst part.

He was a fantastic f***ing kisser.

Well Here We Are...

I deal with the most amazing people at work. At both ends of the spectrum.

My supervisor might be the best person ever to work for. Let's reflect on how invested/upset I have gotten at my past jobs.

At the Olive Garden people always knew where to find me because I'd be crying in the back side station. Thanks to my oh so lovely and kind General Manager. He was a douche.

At the Weather Vane clothing stores people would snap and wave me over to the dressing room. One time I just waved back and walked away. Probably punched something.

At the video store the boys would always leave the porn movies for me to put away. It made 18 year old me very uncomfortable.

At Chevys, well I worked at Chevys. So I cried about that and bc people were bitches when it came to their crappy Mexican food. Much like they became bitches when it came to their crappy Italian. Yeah, probably tears.

The hotel was just a total crap shoot.

It got to the point that I honestly believed that I didn't actually work somewhere until I had cried there.

And now every day I deal with people who have nothing else to do but complain about whatever. Seriously though, I think that people sit at home and say "I'm bored, I'm going to call STNJ and bitch about my tickets / ask when I'm getting my tickets / try to buy tickets that aren't available yet / be rude to people / ask questions but keep talking instead of listening to the answer / just all around suck."

But now I can deal with all that. It effects me for a bit and then I begin to practice my  new mantra for life... Care Less.

I've learned this mantra from one of my absolute new favorite people. This man:

This is my supervisor.

We work. We get our shit done. We kiss patron tuchus. We sell the shit out of shit.

Then we recreate 80's music videos and practice our chair dancing. We're expert chair dancers.

I know this bc the bartender at the Famished Frog told me so when I busted out my moves. Then he offered to turn up the jams for me... he loved me.

Now if you'll excuse me I must get back to chair dancing rehearsal. It's Aqua time.

Dating Dating Everwhere, but not a drop to drink.

I have been on A LOT of bad/awkward first dates.

A LOT.

But last night takes the cake.

It started fine. Chit chat. Conversation. All that good stuff that you have to weigh through the first time you meet anyone.

Then it just got strange. She kept "busting my balls" about shit but when I would give it back she kept saying "you're so mean!"

Here's a little note, on a first date, don't call someone mean 1,000 times. It doesn't make for a good start.

We moved the conversation onto tattoos. I was telling her about the next one that I want to get but how I'm not sure where I want to get it. She was giving me all these options and one of them was my upper arm. I said "naa sleeves aren't for me & I don't like my upper arms so I wouldn't want to draw any more attention to them." and she goes "why don't you like your upper arms? You can work out & fix that." to which I replied. "We all have our insecurities."  When I was really thinking "Gee thanks for walking me through that, because I've tried & have you heard of Kenny Chesney?" Rude.

Then finally we got down to it. She asks me who I'm more attracted to men or woman. I said it's kind of a toss up. Because it is. There are some men that I find more attractive than some woman & vice versa. And at this point, I'm finding Joe Schmoe with 300 extra pounds and a drool across the bar more attractive than you. Then she flat out says "I have issues with bisexual girls." Really? do tell. She goes on to tell me how ALL the bisexual girls she's dated have tried to get her to bring men back to the bed room. When I informed her that she just dated crappy girls bc in a year and half I never would have thought to ask my lesbian gf if we can bring a dude back home! Then she got defensive & all "I'm just telling you about my experience!"

Well let me tell you about my experience tonight. I've been called mean, numerous times. I've had my sexuality attacked. I've been told I should define myself differently because you think "pansexual" is a better than bisexual. And best of all was when I was told that all bisexual woman will choose to end up with a man because it's the "easy way out". I should have shaken her hand and said good night right then. Oh and to my lesbian friends, apparently you all feel this way. At least that was what I was told last night. That you ALL dislike and distrust bisexuals. Just a heads up on the new rumor starting about you, besides all the other fun ones.

Listen. Listen. I don't have time for this bullshit. I'm going to end up with whoever makes me happy. Whoever makes me laugh. Whoever doesn't make me cry when we get home from our first date. I just met you, how dare you judge me and make assumptions about the kind of person I am?

I'll tell you who I wont be ending up with. You.

And no, I wont respond to your text saying "I hope you had at least some fun last night. hehe." bc if I do it will say "Yes between having my sexuality questioned by a stranger & being called mean I did have an iota of fun. It just happened to be when I was singing karaoke a good 15 feet away from you though.hehe."

If I don't have to defend myself to my family & friends, why would I ever even feel remotely moved to defend myself to you.

And no I don't think we can be friends. I'm only friends with open minded folk. So f*** off.

MERP

It's quiet around my house this morning. My parents won some raffle & stayed in some houghty toughty hotel last night & my sisters still asleep. Even my dog seems to be ignoring me.

And I'm ok with all of that.

I think I needed some quiet.

I've been so wrapped up in some things these last few weeks that it feels like my brain is a bit weighed down. Not in a bad way, but in a "I can't stop thinking about this" way.

You guessed it. The Hunger Games. Catching Fire. MockingJay.

I know I've been over it one hundred million fafillion times but I get SO invested in these books. I know it's crazy. But I love escaping. I love hanging out with imaginary characters. I love going on their adventures with them.

I guess I wish I could just write my own adventure. I have the stories in my head & I know how long they can take to write & I know it's important to be ready to really write them. But I just know they will be so good. I just have to get there.

I think that I love THG so much because it gives me a girl with a million flaws but who has people who love her. And the whole idea of someone being brainwashed to hate you but still loving you deep inside just makes me week at the knees. Because sometimes love isn't enough, but usually it is.

What a geeky post. I am a fricken geek. But all of you knew that already, didn'tcha?

Why are we all so scared of strangers?

I was driving through Madison today & saw a small yard sign that read "Strangers? Not in my schools!"

I have no clue what this is about. Absolutely no idea. I haven't even googled it. I really don't care.

Because that got me thinking about some stuff. Who are these strangers? Why don't parents want them in their schools. But even more, aren't ALL the people working in a school a stranger to you at some point?

There's this old crazy saying that goes something like "All friends start out as strangers." or something equally cheesetastic. But isn't it true?

Before I carry on with my point, I'd like to point out that I am wary of strangers & we all have plenty of reason to be. People, children, pets are kidnapped, murdered, attacked, eaten, bruised, abused by strangers all the time. So I'm well aware that there is actual reason to fear other people out there.

But every person I've even met, started out as a stranger. And they're all pretty awesome.

So here's my thing. We're all so scared of strangers. We're all so petrified by these hypothetical people who have become a type of boogie man to our society.

Let's break down the word stranger. Not really. But lets think about it. Lets at least start with my favorite thing to bitch about... homophobes.

I would go so far as to say that 90% of people who hate on my favorite people don't know even one. Or if they did have someone in their life that at one point they loved, they now consider them a stranger bc this new information is to hard to bear.

But every friend starts as a stranger.

I'm not saying befriend the guy down the street who whistles to himself and is constantly asking you over to see his new basement. cage.

I'm talking about normal strangers. Here is the definition of STRANGE according to www.dictionary.com

Strange [streynj] Show IPA adjective, strang·er, strang·est, adverb  

adjective

1.unusual, extraordinary, or curious; odd; queer: a strange remark to make.

2.estranged, alienated, etc., as a result of being out of one's natural environment: In Bombay I felt strange.

3.situated, belonging, or coming from outside of one's own locality; foreign: to move to a strange place; strange religions.

4.outside of one's previous experience; hitherto unknown; unfamiliar: strange faces; strange customs.

5.unaccustomed to or inexperienced in; unacquainted (usually followed by to ): I'm strange to this part of the job.

So really, what I get from all this. Is that strange = different. And we're all f***ing terrified of anything that's different from us. 

Which is something that blows my mind. I love different. I tease it from time to time. But I flippin' love it. It's what makes this world so great.  

So I guess the moral of this rant is this. Instead of instantly defining everyone around you that you don't know as a stranger, someone different from you that you have no interest interacting with. Maybe think of them as a friend that you don't know yet.

I'm not saying go out for coffee. I'm saying be a little nicer. Maybe smile. Maybe don't be so fricken afraid 24/7. Isn't that exhausting?