I'm a little kooky. I always have been. I always will be.
But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.
How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.
No. That's not true. I know where it began.
It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.
It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.
I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.
Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?
There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.
I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.
And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.
It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.
I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.
And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.
But anyway... I've come to some realizations.
A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.
B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.
C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?
D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)
5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!
Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.
Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.
I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...
But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.
How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.
No. That's not true. I know where it began.
It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.
It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.
I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.
Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?
There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.
I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.
And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.
It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.
I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.
And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.
But anyway... I've come to some realizations.
A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.
B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.
C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?
D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)
5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!
Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.
Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.
I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...
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