Broken Promises

I promised myself that I wouldn't cry over you again. I broke that promise today.

Because 3 hours after I texted you, you still hadn't responded.

And maybe if that hadn't been your M-O for the last 2 weeks of this tangled web I wouldn't have minded. But it just seemed to me like whenever I said anything that you didn't know how to respond to you just ignored it. Like I would just go away if you let me set long enough. I wish it worked that way.

I'm not blaming you. That's one thing you have to understand. None of this is your fault. Because I chose to step back into the fire. That was my choice.

I wanted something that was never there. I think anyway.

But you're playing so cool that I'm freezing. And I don't like the person I've become when it comes to you.

That terrifies me.

When other guys have hurt me or treated me bad I've flipped them the bird and walked away.

And for some reason with you I wasn't prepared to do that.

I think there was something in the way you looked at me.

Something in the way you kissed me.

But those amazing things do not make up for you never texting first or for you not responding to texts or for not returning phone calls.

Not anymore. Not for me.

And that obsessive behavior made me break a promise to myself. That's the worst kind of promise to break.

I feel like I have to say again that all of this is on me. You told me what you were available for.

And I want so bad to be that girl. The girl who can lay in your arms and not get completely lost in what we could be. In how I've imagined us to be.

You said that we don't know what the future holds. One time you said "In a week I could be dead."

And I get that outlook. That's where your at. Whatever.

But in my attempt to not over think because of that reason I then think "If you don't know what tomorrow brings, don't you want me today?"

I finally said it out loud today. And now I'll say it again. I don't know who this person is anymore.

I know every other piece of Janice, except for the piece that would do anything to see your face. Except the person who tells you absolute truths without hesitation and makes themselves completely vulnerable to every move you make and word you speak. The person who got so lost in trying to make you see what you could have that I lost who I am.

You've been deleted out of my phone. After my last text that sounded crazy pants I deleted you. Because I don't like feeling crazy. And every time you ignore one of my text or phone calls I start to feel even more insane. Even more like I've pushed myself into this place.

I believe in signs. Always have. So when I ran into you a few weeks ago I thought it was one. I'm not sure anymore.

And I still hope that maybe a few months or a year from now, maybe we'll find our time.

They say everything is timing.

But for now I'm sad and here's why.

I've realized you are not ever going to call and that you will probably never text.

Not without my prompting.

And that makes me sad.

Because even though I think I'm crazy I know you feel what I feel. Or could or will or should have.

But as for me.

I will no longer be a slave to my phone. I will no longer live and breathe by a little green light and an envelope.

I broke a promise to myself.

I tried to be easy breezy. And you tried to teach me. And I thought we balanced. But you can't balance when one person has chosen to carry 90% of the weight.

Why did I do this to me?

I wish and pray that one day you realize that you are kind and smart and beautiful and caring and loving and loyal and everything that I saw. And that you deserve everything that this too sweet and good girl had to offer.

You deserved me to fall for you. For all the things someone buried that you can't see anymore. You deserve me.

But now I'm done, for now, I'm done. My heart and mind can't take this anymore and those are two far to precious things to be screwing with.

After all, you never know what tomorrow may bring. But to spend another day of this life hoping you'll wise up and come around is just not an option for me anymore.

I've done all I can. I think I've given all I have. I've given all I have to someone who I met 2 months ago who doesn't want it right now.

How crazy is that???

It's crazy.

and I'm crazy. but I'm not that kind of crazy.

come around. come. come around.

someday.

come around.

until then.

i'll hope.

i can have hope.

but i wont pretend anymore.

Perspective

Last night, I gained some.

It's such a tangled twisted ridiculous horrible amazing thing. Isn't it?

And for some reason it's the one thing NO ONE has when it comes to the first few months of a new romance.

$ & socks boy and I have been talking again and we're "taking it slow" which I thought I was fine with. And then I asked him what he was up to this weekend via text & he never responded. Then, because I'm desperate & pathetic I pretty much offered him some major heavy petting and he still never responded.

Don't I at least merit a response? Even if it's "Thanks, but no thanks?"

I'll get the message.

And that non-response almost ruined my night. I say almost because instead of moping, which was really high on my list for things to do, I went out with my friend Christine.

We were on a mission to meet someone for her. My head and heart are too much a mess to deal with it all right now. But our mission, if was so choose to accept it, was to find someone to smooch her.

Of course I would meet someone. OF COURSE!

Honestly I don't know what I'm doing except that he is super cute and apparently totally into my hotness. Haha. It's actually kind of hysterical bc before we started talking I saw him across the bar and said to my friend "How is that boy even old enough to be in this bar right now?'

He is old enough. By exactly enough.

But he was also the only one who saw my ID lying beneath my bar stool and picked it up for me. I must have dropped it about 30 minutes before and no one else picked it up for me. So we ended up chatting with him all night. And for 21 he had his game down pat. He talked to me but took time to talk to my friend too. And he walked us to our cars at the end of the night.

He walked away and I didn't give him my number. But Christine was like "WHY WOULDN'T YOU GIVE HIM YOUR NUMBER???"

and I was like... uhhh bc he's 21!!!! And she said I shouldn't care. So I didn't. I called after him and said "Tim, I know it's kind of cougar-esc but would you like my number?"

and he said.

"I would love your number."

And we've been texting pretty much all day.

Here's why this interaction was awesome.

Bc first of all, it's awesome to have someone react to you. Want to speak to you. Answer your texts.

I don' t know where this will go. But this guy is a genuinely sweet person and I'd like to get to know him better. So what if it's 50 Shades of Grey in reverse. No, it wont go that far. Creepy.

But I would like to get to know someone who treats me like I should be treated.

Anyway, guess who texted me apologizing this afternoon for falling asleep last night. Yup. $ & Socks.

And guess what... I'm not chasing after him anymore. But that doesn't mean I wont have fun with him either...

A Plate of Lettuce

So I just made myself lunch after a fairly successful and productive day / morning.

I finished the novel I was reading called Outlander. An interesting read if one is ever looking. But you must enjoy sexy swashbuckling Scots, which who doesn't?

Then I cleaned my room to the rhythm of a lovely dance party. Thank you Nicki Minaj for sponsoring that partay.

I finished my new craft that will hopefully keep me motivated. Here is a beautiful photograph that's thanks to Instagram. The idea is thanks to Pinterest!!!

The idea is that I move stones from the "Pounds to Lose" Cup into the "Pounds Lost" Cup. Since I've moved home from Scotland I've lost 20 lbs, so that's what's already in that cup. And the Celebratory Drink is exactly what it says it is. My plan is to have a drink out of that B-E-A-UTIFUL cup once every 5lbs lost.

After I finished my craft, I won a staring contest with Daisy and then did a Jillian Michaels DVD that kicked my tuchus.

Then I played on Pinterest some more. Something new and interesting for me!!!

After that I solidified plans to see the love Emily Maditz on Sunday. There are... no... words... for. the. happy.

Any who how, when I finally went to make myself a meal (instead of the peach and bite of pasta salad I had eaten thus far) I found myself staring at the same plate of lettuce I'd been eating for the last few days. So today I decided to shake things up. Thus the title of this post. Here is a short list of the way I spice up my salads. Mind you doing ALL of these at one time makes the salad much less healthy. So I will usually choose 1 or 2 of these at a time. Bon Appetite!!!

1. Feta. Feta. I love you. Will you marry me? Thanks.
2. Craisens. nom nom nom.
3. Walnuts. (or whatever types of nuts. whatever nuts you like)
4. Lemon & a little olive oil in place of calorie filled dressings. Squeeze a little of that on top... mmm.
5. A little salt and / or a little pepper.
6. Deli meat... I love me some turkey or chicken. Only one or 2 slices... don't go crazy.
7. Red, yellow or orange peppers (I'll eat this with nadda, not like an apple bc the seads target my vom reflex)
8. Avacado. I don't think I need to say anymore about this.
9. Salmon patty.
10. And my guilty guilty once in a blue moon I'm feeling glutonous pleasure... ranch dressing.

My Strange Addiction

So last Friday I went out for a drink with a friend after work. We went to a pub right here in the town where the theatre is. For those that don't now, he who must not be named lives here in Madison.

Yes, since you're asking, I ran into him.

It was really weird. Mostly bc although I kept hoping and wish and believing it would be a sign to run into him somewhere, I was really surprised. So surprised in fact that my heart was pounding and I was super awkward. So awkward in fact that I asked how he was & then didn't let him answer.

So I texted later to find out for sure & we texted back and forth a bit that night but then didn't talk again until I texted him on Weds.

When he picked me up in his new truck.

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. All I know is that when I kiss him my brain shuts off and all I care about is kissing him more.

And that's addictive.

I also realized that he's the only man who's ever called me beautiful, adorable, gorgeous and made me believe it. The first man who's ever made me feel desirable.

That is also very addictive.






So we road around for like 15 minutes basking in our awkwardness. Finally he asked "Why are you here? You should hate me?" and I agreed but told him that for some f-ed up reason I don't. That I can't get him off my mind. He said that he's an asshole and I shouldn't have anything to do with him. He said that 'if this were a movie, I would be the villain.' I told him I don't agree. That I'm really good at reading people and he is not as bad as he thinks he is. And I also told him that in some f-ed up way he is just as good for me as I am for him.

Eventually I told him "listen, if you're not looking for something with me bc you're not interested or you're not ready, that's one thing. But if you're avoiding me bc you think it's some gallant way of protecting me from you bc you're not good enough for me than that's not your decision to make." I also told him "If you're not ready for a relationship than I don't want you anyway." then I told him I lied and that I do want him just not yet. Then I told him when he's ready he should take me on a date.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't want people thinking I'm stupid but there is just something about this guy that makes me not want to give up yet. There's something about him I'm not willing to let go of yet.

and maybe that makes me stupid. Maybe that makes me naive.

I don't have my rose colored glasses on anymore. So maybe this time the fall out wont be a week of me crying myself to sleep.

Maybe it will.

But it's kind of a risk I want to take.

So that's me in a nutshell. you're all caught up and caught upsky.

I'm not suicidal.

I was told that my posts were depressing. So I took a break.

I'm still not making any promises about this one.

I don't want to depress people, but I want to be real.

If I have to pretend to be happy in life every day than at least I can be real on my own damn blog right?

I mean jeeze.

Ok, now that that steam has been blown.

Life is ok. Life is good. My outlook on it is a little shady, but I'm trucking along. That's all you can ask right.

My uncle called today because his friend, who is friends with me on FB for whatever reason called him bc I had posted a suicidal poem on my wall.

Ok people, if I'm going to kill myself I'm not going to announce it on FB first.

I let my uncle know it was just a Sheryl Crow lyric.

"Wouldn't it be nice if we could hop a flight to anywhere?
Well, so long to this life!
So much for pretending, cause bad lucks never ending.
And too much time I've been spending,
With my heart in my hands waiting for time to come & mend it.
I can't cry anymore."

Next time I'll put ~Sheryl Crow~ after it so that everyone  knows I'm not taking a one way trip to Jesus' house.

I think I need more coffee.

I have about 10 pounds to loose before my dress for Bridget's wedding will fit me. I'm so hungry all the time!!!

This person who knows who they are but will remain nameless that said I need to be less depressing said that I should talk about what's good in my life. All the reasons I'm not going to kill myself.

My job & the people I work with are so fetch.
I'm in the final processes of writing a play that is being produced in late July.
I'm pretty.
(not so much right now in my PJs, glasses and f***ed up hair but most of the time.)
I have a trip planned next month to the beach for one my bestest friends weddings.
My other bestest friend is getting married a few weeks after that.

oh hey and I have no dates.

Oh, right, happy stuff.

I'm  not going crazy. or at least my friend Abbi tells me I'm not.
I'm not suicidal. So I have that going for me.

I think I'll make more coffee.

Just because I'm  not going crazy doesn't mean that I'm not going schyszophrenic. (sp?)

It's wrong.

La.

La. La.

Yes he's still on my mind.

All
the
time