If you have a perpetual desire to protect me, in the way that a father, brother or uncle would, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you don't want to think less of me as a human being, I suggest you quit reading this right now. If you have, in the past or present, dropped your head into your hands because of something I have said or done, I definitely suggest you quit reading right now because you will not like what you read.
If however, you enjoy thorough honesty, a little bit of ridiculous behavior and over all debauchery. This post is for you.
Now that I've peaked your interest, let me continue.
It's interesting what a broken heart can do. As horrible as New Moon (the second in the Twilight series) is, I find that my inner Bella is peaking out a bit over the last few months. And yes as much as I despise the series and the character, even the strongest woman has a little weakness in her. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Anyway. What I've found that I've been doing is putting myself in situations with men that normal Janice would never do. Maybe it's the few extra beers in my system. Maybe it's my pathetic need to feel wanted. Maybe I just want to feel something instead of sadness. Maybe, no definitely, I'm trying to find someone who's kisses make me forget about his. That much I know is true.
The first time I realized I may be pushing it was a few weeks ago when I was at the beach wedding. We were all schwaisted and I almost slept with someone who didn't even really want me. He had made it very apparent that he wanted to sleep with my friend. But I was just going for it. Luckily my brain woke up & I sent him packing. To the other bed. Where my friend was. So I got sexiled & therefor drunk dialed him. Worst.
So if that sordid tale were to live by itself in the month of July then all would be right in the world. But it doesn't live there alone because I did something again this weekend that scared myself.
After an epic wedding we of course hit up the hotel bar. After the hotel bar we of course, hung out in the lobby. And after that I made friends with some gentleman who were staying at the hotel attending another wedding. Most of them seemed really nice and sweet. One was a total douche bag but at least he was a wolf in sheep's clothing.The one guy seemed sweet and innocent enough. So I asked him to walk me to my room. Ok fine I asked to make out in the elevator. That's where it all went to scary town.
When we got to my floor he opened a laundry room door and pulled me in. We kissed for a little but then he started pulling my dress down and pulling my skirt up.
I told him I'm not doing this and pushed him away. He stepped in front of me and said "We don't have to do anything you don't want to" and I told him I don't want to do any of this. He stepped aside.
He easily could have NOT stepped aside.
I know sexual assault is nothing to joke about, but the next morning it was all I could do to joke about it because the reality of what almost happened was too much. I went, alone, into an vacant room with someone I didn't know at 2:30 in the morning. I could be telling a completely different story right now. One that doesn't end with something that rhymes with "smexually smashmaulted" Which at 10 AM over a plate of eggs was the funniest thing ever. Now that it's all set in, I feel very dirty. I feel very disgusted. I feel like I've really let myself down.
Since he who must not be named broke my heart, and lets be honest with ourselves, that's what he did, I've let myself drink too much. I've let myself drunk dial (yup, I called him after the wedding, before the almost incident above). It's like if I can feel anything, fear, disgust, self loathing, anger, anything is better than what I am feeling.
Because what I am feeling... is nothing.
You see, I keep holding onto this guy because I believe(d) there is a connection there that cannot have been for nothing. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think it was a figment of my imagination.
I don't know why my behavior has been so poor. I don't know why I've been acting like I don't respect myself. Because I do. I wish I had some great answer for you. But I need to dial it down a bit. I need to get back to who I was before this person infiltrated my mind. I'll get there. I know I will/can.
But for right now? I'm cutting back on the partying until I make better choices. It'll just be better for everyone involved...
If however, you enjoy thorough honesty, a little bit of ridiculous behavior and over all debauchery. This post is for you.
Now that I've peaked your interest, let me continue.
It's interesting what a broken heart can do. As horrible as New Moon (the second in the Twilight series) is, I find that my inner Bella is peaking out a bit over the last few months. And yes as much as I despise the series and the character, even the strongest woman has a little weakness in her. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Anyway. What I've found that I've been doing is putting myself in situations with men that normal Janice would never do. Maybe it's the few extra beers in my system. Maybe it's my pathetic need to feel wanted. Maybe I just want to feel something instead of sadness. Maybe, no definitely, I'm trying to find someone who's kisses make me forget about his. That much I know is true.
The first time I realized I may be pushing it was a few weeks ago when I was at the beach wedding. We were all schwaisted and I almost slept with someone who didn't even really want me. He had made it very apparent that he wanted to sleep with my friend. But I was just going for it. Luckily my brain woke up & I sent him packing. To the other bed. Where my friend was. So I got sexiled & therefor drunk dialed him. Worst.
So if that sordid tale were to live by itself in the month of July then all would be right in the world. But it doesn't live there alone because I did something again this weekend that scared myself.
After an epic wedding we of course hit up the hotel bar. After the hotel bar we of course, hung out in the lobby. And after that I made friends with some gentleman who were staying at the hotel attending another wedding. Most of them seemed really nice and sweet. One was a total douche bag but at least he was a wolf in sheep's clothing.The one guy seemed sweet and innocent enough. So I asked him to walk me to my room. Ok fine I asked to make out in the elevator. That's where it all went to scary town.
When we got to my floor he opened a laundry room door and pulled me in. We kissed for a little but then he started pulling my dress down and pulling my skirt up.
I told him I'm not doing this and pushed him away. He stepped in front of me and said "We don't have to do anything you don't want to" and I told him I don't want to do any of this. He stepped aside.
He easily could have NOT stepped aside.
I know sexual assault is nothing to joke about, but the next morning it was all I could do to joke about it because the reality of what almost happened was too much. I went, alone, into an vacant room with someone I didn't know at 2:30 in the morning. I could be telling a completely different story right now. One that doesn't end with something that rhymes with "smexually smashmaulted" Which at 10 AM over a plate of eggs was the funniest thing ever. Now that it's all set in, I feel very dirty. I feel very disgusted. I feel like I've really let myself down.
Since he who must not be named broke my heart, and lets be honest with ourselves, that's what he did, I've let myself drink too much. I've let myself drunk dial (yup, I called him after the wedding, before the almost incident above). It's like if I can feel anything, fear, disgust, self loathing, anger, anything is better than what I am feeling.
Because what I am feeling... is nothing.
You see, I keep holding onto this guy because I believe(d) there is a connection there that cannot have been for nothing. And I've said it before and I'll say it again, I think it was a figment of my imagination.
I don't know why my behavior has been so poor. I don't know why I've been acting like I don't respect myself. Because I do. I wish I had some great answer for you. But I need to dial it down a bit. I need to get back to who I was before this person infiltrated my mind. I'll get there. I know I will/can.
But for right now? I'm cutting back on the partying until I make better choices. It'll just be better for everyone involved...
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