Tuesday, March 22, 2011

The Definition of "Fine."

I just looked up the definition of the word "fine" and it turns out it really should never be the answer to the question "how are you doing?" The closest thing that could answer that question was "healthy; well."

I keep telling people I'm "fine" after a recent break up, but am I? We'll first of all I should clarify that we are not calling it a break up we're calling it a "transition" because we are on a mission to remain friends. So we're in "transition." Yeah we're dorks.

But isn't it true, that you can be healthy, well and still have moments of not being fine? 

That's what keeps happening to me. I'm fine. Fine. But I keep having moments where I just want to cry. And, lets be honest, I do cry. In fact I had a crying game shower last night. It just comes in waves and I can't help it.

I guess I should back track because a lot of you didn't even know I've been in a relationship for the last year and nearly half.

When I was living in Scotland I happened to meet the most amazing person. And for me, a "straight" woman, it didn't matter that that person happened to also be a woman. I fought with myself (& her for that matter) because I didn't want to "experiment" with my best friend. But it turned out perfect & we have been very happy for the past year. But unfortunately we have different plans for our lives. And although we are both dead set on remaining friends, the relationship may not be what is best for us right now. It's the mature decision. The adult decision. The decision that will make it so that friendship is an option.

But that doesn't stop a heart from breaking. I never really believed the saying "Love isn't enough" I was naive enough to think "if there is love it HAS to be enough." But now I know that is not necessarily true. Because I fell in love with her person, her soul, her essence. And I love her, but I don't think we're right for each other.

The problem is, I don't consider myself gay. She is the only female I've ever been attracted to in that way. From moment one, to now. So what am I. Confused as f**k that's for sure but besides that I don't know. Some say flexisexual, some call in pansexual. Who the hell knows.

But for right now, I'm a 27 year old girl who is sad & trying to keep busy. I'm a young woman who is scared to be single again. I'm someone who is terrified of being forgotten. I'm a person who knows now that sometimes love just isn't enough. But really... I'm fine.

The Definition of "Fine"

1 comment:

  1. Dear Janice, I don't believe that the soul has a gender. I think we are born male or female only so we can procreate, and that ( unfortunately ) doesn't require a loving relationship. I think you both were incredibly blessed to have found one another. The pain you feel now, is only a confirmation that the relationship was/is real But you're right, sometimes love isn't enough. Life has a way of throwing curve balls, yet the human spirit is strong. I will pray that your relationship finds a natural, gentle rhythm that will respond to the lives of two incredibly unique women. <3