My biggest fan is turning 1 year old tomorrow and I’m completely comfortable with that. Somewhere along the line I lost the confidence to perform / sing in front of people unless it's karoake & everyones just a wee bit drunk. But since I've been watching Layah, I've start singing to her as I rock her at nap time. I stick to songs that I know by heart, that I don't think I could forget the words to if I tried. And just the other day, the best thing happened. I finished a song (I usually sing about 3 before putting her down in her crib) and she sat up & did the sign language symbol for "more." I can't lie, I almost started crying.
It was nice to have someone like to hear me sing & want me to keep going. I finally admitted to my mom a few weeks ago that the reason I "couldn't stand" America Idol was because whenever I watch it I always compare their talent to mine. I compare & get jealous because they had the ball sacks to try. And now that I have been completely suckered into watching this season, I think I'm going to give auditioning a shot next time they come around. If I can.
I've been so scared these past few years of putting myself out there for other people to judge. And I know why. Through my whole life I've thought that I had "rocked" something, an audition, a class, a meeting, whatever & then later found out that I apparently wasn't good enough to get selected again. It has developed a bad complex for me.
Pile on top of that the 3-5 times that I've been "involved" with someone and they've decided over night (literally, one of them was over night) that I was no longer what they wanted. And in those instances, I felt like... wait, what have I been feeling all this time? What have I been tricked into thinking that you were feeling? How is it so easy for you to just walk away from me... when I'm... awesome?
It makes you start to think, maybe you're not awesome.
And I try and pretend and tell myself that I do believe that I am awesome. And I'm getting there, slowly but surely.
So for now, I'm going to continue my rehearsals with Layah as my Simon Cowel. And every time she asks for "more" I'm going to remind myself that I have a damn good voice. (And try not to cry) Maybe, next time, when Randy, J-Lo & the deliscious Stephen Tyler come around I'll be ready. Who's with me?