In honor of the Royal Wedding, I would like to let everyone know that I am not a whore.
A friend of mine is headed to another friend's nuptials today & she has chosen a very sexy dress to wear. Which has reminded me of the weddings that I've been to where I've been treated like a dirty pirate hooker.
Let's go back.
I'm very lucky that my friends have all chosen hubbies that I can call friends too. That can be rare. The first time that happened was when my sister from another mister (& fellow middle child!!! - REPRESENT!) Amanda married Adam. At that wedding, I was kind of a dirty pirate hooker. But I was only 21 & it was with only one guy so back off. That actually ended with hand to hand combat between me & my Big from sorority at 2AM in the hotel hallway and me whispering "I just want to make out!" Ahhh memories.
The next wedding that I attended and took part in was Beth & Travis', another excellent match. I guess for this to make sense we need a little back story. Travis has a brother, we'll call him Billy Bob to protect the innocent. Well Billy Bob used to come up to WVWC with Travis from time to time & when he did he would bring his friend... Roy (well call him Roy, it's just better.) Further, Travis had a friend named... Ichibod (why not) who would also come up. Over 4 years I had hung out with Billy Bob & Roy separate from Beth & Travis quite a few times in their (cheap) hotel room. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I also had a few minutes of chilling with Ichibod, one time where he asked if he could kiss me to see how my tongue ring feels. Again, that never transpired and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
But, at Beth & Travis' nuptials, years later, all three of these men had their significant others, soon to be wives with them. All 3 acted like they had done dirty things that my daddy can't know about with them. If they were talking to me and their girls walked up... they never introduced me, they would just pretend the conversation had ended and walk away. Grab her arm and say, "Oh hey, did you try the..." Or if I walked up to them while with they gf, they would ignore my presence.
Even with that ridiculousness the best part is Ichibod. Who, after joking around about me hating his guts at the rehearsal dinner, called me later that night to "make sure we were ok" I said "Ichibod, there is nothing for us to be 'ok' about. I was joking, you were joking, and really are we BFFs?" This is a few months after he called me from his bachelor party. Just saying.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... boys, just because you've had dirty dreams or thought about me while you pleasure yourself, doesn't make ME the culprit. Stop treating me like a the other woman!
The other time that I dealt with this isssssue (please say that with a British accent) was at my friend Melissa's wedding a few summers ago. One that I unfortunately had to go stag to. I recently had lost just a few pounds and found amazing Calvin Klein cobalt blue dress, so I guess my self esteem was a little higher than usual. But I wasn't even that skinny! That's why I'm so confused as to how everyone acted!
Every time I was on line at the bar and made the traditional "Oh how do you know the bride a groom?" talk, I swear not .2 seconds would go by & their female companion was on them like white on rice. Ladies, I'm not trying to steal your man, I'm trying to get my gin & tonic with a splash of cranberry & lime. And on the dance floor, I just wanted to get my groove on, not seduce your man. So stop looking at me like that please!!!
I feel like here I have to admit my guilt. I have accidentally made out with not one, but two married men. When I say accidentally I truly mean it!!!!
The first time was after Beth's wedding (eeeee - doesn't make my argument above very good) but here's the story...
I met him out at the bar afterward. He was cute & sweet & wanted to hang out later in the week & all we did was make out. The next day I told Beth "I met the cutest guys last night, he knows your sister..." There was silence on the phone when I finished regaling my tale. Finally "Janice, Wes is married. Janice, Wes has 3 kids. Janice, Wes' wife is pregnant." Ok Ok... now it started coming together. He had said that his phone going off was "sister" looking for him because she was friends with his ex-gf. Oh God I felt sick to my stomach and started tearing up. I felt like such a horrible person, he had taken off his wedding ring, he was only 21 years old, he was out at the bar with all his friend. I didn't know. All my girlfriend's told me it wasn't my fault & Beth & her sister told me "he did it all the time" but that didn't help the fact that I felt disgusting. It took a while for that to wear off... I think I lost some of my mo-jo that night.
The second time was at a bachelorette party. We were out at the bars doing a scavenger hunt & one of the things was to make out with a random guy. Being one of the only single girls I volunteered. We were on the street & I think it was the bride saw this cute guy walking up to us. She wasn't even finished explaining and he grabbed me and did the deed. He then came with us to the next bar, we were chatting and he had bought me drinks when the girls pulled me back over. We were all drunk, it wasn't until now that they had noticed the ring. I walked back over and said "Tell your wife I said 'Hi'." and we all left. I felt like such an ass. Again.
Needless to say the left hand is the very first place I look whenever I see a cute individual. I will never, ever make that mistake again. Knowing the type of pain that it causes, I can't imagine anyone doing that knowingly. Blerg.
So that was a nice way to bring down a lighthearted fun post. Goooooo me!!!!
I just felt like this blog has always had full disclosure & I wouldn't feel right claiming that I am a good honest, non-cheating, husband - boyfriend stealing person without those other stories. So don't judge me too much.
And I promise, I really honestly truly am not trying to steal your man.
A friend of mine is headed to another friend's nuptials today & she has chosen a very sexy dress to wear. Which has reminded me of the weddings that I've been to where I've been treated like a dirty pirate hooker.
Let's go back.
I'm very lucky that my friends have all chosen hubbies that I can call friends too. That can be rare. The first time that happened was when my sister from another mister (& fellow middle child!!! - REPRESENT!) Amanda married Adam. At that wedding, I was kind of a dirty pirate hooker. But I was only 21 & it was with only one guy so back off. That actually ended with hand to hand combat between me & my Big from sorority at 2AM in the hotel hallway and me whispering "I just want to make out!" Ahhh memories.
The next wedding that I attended and took part in was Beth & Travis', another excellent match. I guess for this to make sense we need a little back story. Travis has a brother, we'll call him Billy Bob to protect the innocent. Well Billy Bob used to come up to WVWC with Travis from time to time & when he did he would bring his friend... Roy (well call him Roy, it's just better.) Further, Travis had a friend named... Ichibod (why not) who would also come up. Over 4 years I had hung out with Billy Bob & Roy separate from Beth & Travis quite a few times in their (cheap) hotel room. NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. I also had a few minutes of chilling with Ichibod, one time where he asked if he could kiss me to see how my tongue ring feels. Again, that never transpired and NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
But, at Beth & Travis' nuptials, years later, all three of these men had their significant others, soon to be wives with them. All 3 acted like they had done dirty things that my daddy can't know about with them. If they were talking to me and their girls walked up... they never introduced me, they would just pretend the conversation had ended and walk away. Grab her arm and say, "Oh hey, did you try the..." Or if I walked up to them while with they gf, they would ignore my presence.
Even with that ridiculousness the best part is Ichibod. Who, after joking around about me hating his guts at the rehearsal dinner, called me later that night to "make sure we were ok" I said "Ichibod, there is nothing for us to be 'ok' about. I was joking, you were joking, and really are we BFFs?" This is a few months after he called me from his bachelor party. Just saying.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... boys, just because you've had dirty dreams or thought about me while you pleasure yourself, doesn't make ME the culprit. Stop treating me like a the other woman!
The other time that I dealt with this isssssue (please say that with a British accent) was at my friend Melissa's wedding a few summers ago. One that I unfortunately had to go stag to. I recently had lost just a few pounds and found amazing Calvin Klein cobalt blue dress, so I guess my self esteem was a little higher than usual. But I wasn't even that skinny! That's why I'm so confused as to how everyone acted!
Every time I was on line at the bar and made the traditional "Oh how do you know the bride a groom?" talk, I swear not .2 seconds would go by & their female companion was on them like white on rice. Ladies, I'm not trying to steal your man, I'm trying to get my gin & tonic with a splash of cranberry & lime. And on the dance floor, I just wanted to get my groove on, not seduce your man. So stop looking at me like that please!!!
I feel like here I have to admit my guilt. I have accidentally made out with not one, but two married men. When I say accidentally I truly mean it!!!!
The first time was after Beth's wedding (eeeee - doesn't make my argument above very good) but here's the story...
I met him out at the bar afterward. He was cute & sweet & wanted to hang out later in the week & all we did was make out. The next day I told Beth "I met the cutest guys last night, he knows your sister..." There was silence on the phone when I finished regaling my tale. Finally "Janice, Wes is married. Janice, Wes has 3 kids. Janice, Wes' wife is pregnant." Ok Ok... now it started coming together. He had said that his phone going off was "sister" looking for him because she was friends with his ex-gf. Oh God I felt sick to my stomach and started tearing up. I felt like such a horrible person, he had taken off his wedding ring, he was only 21 years old, he was out at the bar with all his friend. I didn't know. All my girlfriend's told me it wasn't my fault & Beth & her sister told me "he did it all the time" but that didn't help the fact that I felt disgusting. It took a while for that to wear off... I think I lost some of my mo-jo that night.
The second time was at a bachelorette party. We were out at the bars doing a scavenger hunt & one of the things was to make out with a random guy. Being one of the only single girls I volunteered. We were on the street & I think it was the bride saw this cute guy walking up to us. She wasn't even finished explaining and he grabbed me and did the deed. He then came with us to the next bar, we were chatting and he had bought me drinks when the girls pulled me back over. We were all drunk, it wasn't until now that they had noticed the ring. I walked back over and said "Tell your wife I said 'Hi'." and we all left. I felt like such an ass. Again.
Needless to say the left hand is the very first place I look whenever I see a cute individual. I will never, ever make that mistake again. Knowing the type of pain that it causes, I can't imagine anyone doing that knowingly. Blerg.
So that was a nice way to bring down a lighthearted fun post. Goooooo me!!!!
I just felt like this blog has always had full disclosure & I wouldn't feel right claiming that I am a good honest, non-cheating, husband - boyfriend stealing person without those other stories. So don't judge me too much.
And I promise, I really honestly truly am not trying to steal your man.
No comments:
Post a Comment