Monday, April 4, 2011

I'm Not Ok

I admitted that, out loud, for the first time probably since high school. I haven't been brave enough. Because if I say it out loud than it's actually true.

And yes, this admission was made to my mother.

I'm not ok. I'm not as happy as I can be. I love my job, but not being financially stable takes a huge toll on your ego at 27. And for someone who was single for 26 years of her life, I'm petrified of being single again. How does that work?

Even though I did want to have someone in my life for all those years, I LOVED being single & not having anyone to answer to. I liked not feeling guilty when a little flirting got me a free drink. But now, after being in a relationship, those single perks don't seem so great anymore.

I'm petrified of failure, I always have been. Whether it's the failure of not getting a role, job, etc or the failure of striking out with a cute guy at the bar. It's exhausting to be so scared of it. And let me tell you, they can all smell fear.

I'm not ok. I need a change. And usually I'll fulfill that need by getting something tattooed or pierced, but you can't do that when you have no money!

I'm not ok that a person I love is leaving and I don't know when "next time" will be.

I'm not ok with the fact that I don't know where I'll be working this summer.

I'm not ok with being petrified to search for jobs in my field.

I'm not ok with being in my safe little bubble.

I'm not ok with disappointing my parents.

I'm not ok with disappointing myself.

I need a change of scenery, but I need money in order to move there. I'm not ok with that.

Catch 22, wouldn't you say?

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