Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My Prayer. Right Now. As In, Today.

Dear God,

I need some help. I'm a little lost. Maybe if I explain how I feel You'll get it.

I feel like I'm floating outside myself. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel like I'm a little broken.

Sometimes I think that the reason You haven't got me all settled yet is because I'm supposed to work on me & do great things as me before that happens. But I'm so tired.

I know very well that my greatest critic is me. And that everyone out there is more worried about their own shiz than mine. Further I know that You have a lot more important things to worry about than whether or not I'm comfortable.

You've given me so much & I feel very greedy asking for more, but I have to.

I need a direction. I need a sign. I need something to hold onto before I drown.

But God, what I think I need most of all is my spark back.

If I could just get that I think I'd be ok. I think I'd be able to sift through it all and dig myself out. Hence leaving You to deal with the more important things. Like the sick people, the hungry people, the angry people, the hurtful people, like the Tea Party.

I guess it started about a month ago, You know when. When my broken heart was compounded by the pieces from 5 years ago, multiplied by ten & then forced back into my chest.

And God if you could give me the guts to talk to people, to ask for help, to vocalize that I'm not ok. I don't know why that's the hardest part for me.

I don't want to be a failure. I want to be great. Great for You & great for me. Great for the world. I want to make a difference. I want to be the best person I can be.

Isn't that just how it is, when you think you've dug yourself out of the hole, the dirt gives way and you slide back in?

But I can still see the stars. I can almost reach them. I think I just need a boost.

I bet in a month I'll see the path You set out for me, I'll see why things have been the way they are. Why I've been in such a funk. Everything will be better in due time.

Thank You for everything You have blessed me with. Family and a roof over my head. Friends that make me laugh. Thanks for being The Man.

Love ya lots,

Janice

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