The Mind's Eye

I don't like how I see myself. I mean everyone has something that when they look at a photo of themselves thinks "eeee gads!" but I just think it's really sad that I see pictures of myself and think "holy mother of arms that are big and flabby!"

It's just kind of sad that I think that. Especially since my arms are not that big and flabby, in real time.

This got me thinking about how many times in my life that I have been fit (not "skinny") but healthy and strong and at that time I still thought of myself as a huge gigantic mess. For an example, back in September 2012, right after Bridget's wedding when I looked a picture like this:

What I saw was this: 

When I looked at pictures like this:

+

All I saw was this: 

Double fisting of champagne aside, those first photos look nothing like those second photos. But in my mind they do. Which is crazy. THAT'S CRAZY!

How do we get there? At which point in our existence do we stop seeing ourselves as what we really look like?

The photo that really brought all of this to mind has a bunch of people in it from my acting class and in my mind, my arms look like a linebackers. Really, I'm pretty sure I could take out Michael Strahan. And somewhere in the confines of my mind I know this is untrue. I know that my arms are not the size of Vin Diesel's. But why is that how I see it?

I honestly don't have an answer for this one. And after a Monday & Tuesday of really locking up my eating habits, I fell horribly victim to a flash storm and flood and was cold and wet and the salads just would not do. So yeah, I ordered chinese. And now I feel like an ass because I need to lock up my self control. Then I saw the picture mentioned above and felt even worse. 

There isn't even something that I remember from once upon a time when someone said something to me about my arms being flabby and big. It just crept into my brain one day and made itself at home. I just wish I could fix it. I wish I (and everyone else!) could see myself the way that the rest of the world sees me. 

Right now I've gain the weight back that I lost for the wedding. Even more so because a lot of the work I had done was weight training work so all that muscle turned into flub. And the knowledge that I did it once, I can do again is in my brain, I just have to get back to that. 

But there are some things I have going for me. Yesterday at kickboxing I felt strong while holding the plank and pushup position. I felt like I could have stayed up there longer. Last weekend I ran proooooobably at least maybe 2 out of 3 miles in a 5K. I'm not completely out of shape, just not where I really want and hope to be. It's the tiny victories.

The thing that makes me most upset is knowing that their are young girls out there thinking the exact same thing as me. And they don't realize yet that they are enough, "huge" arms aside.