Sunday, January 29, 2012

little, silly, brain.

I've learned a bit about myself and others in the last few weeks.

Mainly, that everyone has their insecurities and they are almost never rational.

In fact, mine are borderline insane.

What are my insecurities? Hmm. Let's list them shall we?

My body.
My ability to do my job well.
My skin.
My image.
My cooking.

That's a lot of things to worry about. It's exhausting. Gawwwwd! I'm exhausted just listing them.

But I've learned that those things are insignificant. They were pushed on me for some stupid reason as a child by some stupid person in whatever way and now I can't let them go.

Why can't I just let them go?

For the same reason you can't. Because years ago a seed was planted that my few extra pounds are un-attractive. So now I spend every day wondering if he thinks I'm pretty. Because I have been snapped at and treated as though I am stupid, I now spend 10 hours a day anxious. Because one day, over 10 years ago someone made fun of a pimple, I am petrified of them. Because someone, some day, didn't like my out fit, I now dress for them. Because my mom is so great at feeding everyone, I will forever live in her shadow.

All of these are insane. IN-SANE. They're only issues in my head. My little, silly, brain. There is no where else in this entire universe where that particular group of issues are clumped together and eat away at the foundation.

It's kind of funny and sad to think of all at once.

My insecurities will never never, never go away. I know this. Because I've been skinny and I still saw my chubby self in the mirror.

I will always see them, and see them first. And the funny thing is, the hilarious thing is, 90% of the time, no one else sees a thing.

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