Trust in God

Below is my Talk from this past 4th Day Retreat weekend. Be forewarned. It's about God and it get's pretty raw at times. Read at your own risk...

Trust in God

The second hand on my watch is really loud. In the quiet of my bedroom, when the lights are out and I’m snuggled up with my Teddy Bear, it’s all I can hear.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Some nights it gets to me more than others. Tonight is one of those nights.

It’s October 15^th and we just had our first 4^th day meeting.

It’s October 15^th, so it’s been exactly 5 months since I got my heart broken.

5 months of me fighting against God’s time.

5 months of, essentially, me not trusting Him.

So when the watch starts ticking form across the room tonight, I hear something much different.

At tonight’s meeting, when Al mentioned the Trust in God Talk, it jumped out at me. Mostly because I feel like I’ve been fighting Him all summer. On the car ride here tonight I had every intention of talking to Al and company about their take on “God’s Time” in comparison to “our time.” But then when he named this talk I thought, “That’s it. That’s what I need right now.”

(Even then I fought it, because it’s over 2 months later and I’m just now typing up and completing that Talk)

It’s still something I’m fighting against. I have to trust in God, trust in His time. But that is so much easier said than done.

When I say that I’ve been fighting against Him, I mean kicking and screaming. I’m like a toddler throwing toys to get attention. My behaviors, though not so reprehensible, are unlike the Janice that I once was.

Tonight, in the dark, that ticking wrist watch means I’m lost. It means that I’ve fallen behind. It means that, well let’s be literal… My biological clock is ticking!

And perhaps that’s why I fell so hard all those months ago.

His name is Charles. That’s what I’m calling him anyway. He really goes by Chuck, but since I don’t know where that guy went, I call him Charles now.

We met at the bar and when he didn’t call for 2 days I cried. I knew, I could feel, that there was something more there. Something real. Plus I’m a little coo coo pants.

But he did call. And I can remember every minute together. Every look. Every kiss.

But after 2 weeks things fell apart, because, well he wasn’t over his ex.

So I get it.

But I miss feeling that way.

I don’t connect with people on that level often.

I’m kind of picky and a little fickle and I don’t let just anyone in.

But I let him in.

And then he was gone.

A month later we ran into each other and I thought it was a sign. God’s way of letting me know that we weren’t done.

It wasn’t.

He still wasn’t ready for a relationship and I kept trying to push him into one.

A month later we ran into each other again, in the form of a drunk dial.

My bad.

I still pushed. He still wasn’t ready. We still text every now and then.

I’m trying so hard to let it be. To let it work itself out.

I’m seeing other people.

And all I keep thinking is that they aren’t him.

My behavior this past summer has not always been safe. I’ve made some questionable decisions.

And now that I’m thinking about it, it’s almost as if I’m testing myself. Pushing myself. Maybe pushing God.

Trust. In. God.

Trust. That’s a big word. Huge.

Only 5 letters that encompass so much more.

When I try to think about the people in my life that I trust explicitly it’s a very short list. A list of zero.

I have wrenched open my soul and poured out my heart, sobbing on one shoulder and one shoulder only.

God’s.

I have an excellent list of people that I love and who love me back. But God is the only one who I trust with broken Janice. So why don’t I trust Him with the plan He has for me?

Mostly, that flippin’ ticking clock.

Anyway. After I got my heart broken I was really angry with God. So angry, in fact, that I wrote this in my blog:

God,

I try to make a point of not questioning You. And I do pretty well with it. I also recognize that sometimes I don't see why You do the things You do until later. Looking back. And all that good stuff.

But I have a pretty big question for you. A pretty big bone to pick actually.

I was happy. I was comfortable. I was looking at my life with contentment & joy. My job made me happy. My friends made me happy. My family made me happy. I made me happy. My life made me happy.

That's a gross amount of happy.

But You had a plan & You executed that plan & now... guess what? I'm not so happy.

I'm happy enough. My life is still good. But you gave me a glimpse of something just to take it away.

And I don't understand. I don't know why you gave me that, just to take it away? What's next?

Now I'm just left here, thinking...

Thinking...

I'm a good person. I do good things. I'm not perfect but the sum of all my parts = a fairly good person. Why.

Why?

I wasn't lonely.  I was happy being single. For the first time in a forever I was like "screw this... being single is what’s up."

Until I met someone that made me not want to be single.

And You did that. That was all You.

Why?

Because now he creeps back into my mind umpteen times a day.

I can't wait for the morning that I wake up & don't hope for a text message from him.

The day that the split second between when my phone starts vibrating & the display shows a name doesn't drip with suspense.

And I know what he did to me. I know it was wrong & mean & I shouldn't hope that he'll come around.

But You know better than anyone that I don't feel like this often. That I don't fall like this a lot. The few. The Proud.

So why did You do this?

What's Your plan?

Besides some lesson I've yet to learn.

I guess I'm just wondering...

It took me a whole day to realize exactly what He would say in response to all this nonsense. So I posted that in my blog too.

Janice,

I'm sorry that you're hurting. Know that when you hurt, I hurt too. So that's not fun.

But did I really do all this? I gave you free will & listen sister, you're the one who let you're imagination run away.

He's a good guy and things were good. But you started making plans.

And yes, he gave you every reason to believe that there was a future there. He accidentally talked about the future, on more than one occasion.

But you took that and ran with it. You created happy little stories of a happy little life with someone you barely knew. You let yourself fall so hard. Remember: Guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.

I guess that could be my fault as well considering I gave you that over active imagination and a heart on your sleeve. You're welcome & I'm sorry.

And I know you keep praying and asking and hoping. I hear it all, even when you don't want me to hear it. I know that you think the harder you pray and ask and hope the sooner My plan will unfold.

But baby that's not how this works.

I've got it figured out & it's going to be spectacular. Just be patient.

And yes, I know that's much, much, much easier said than done.

Just trust me.

Love you lots.

Like lots a lots.

More than you could ever know.

Your BFF,

G.O.D

Even then I subconsciously knew that I needed to trust Him. What makes this hard is the being patient. But that goes hand in hand with trusting Him. And I really do. I mostly do. I’m trying to.

But I’m ready now! I’m ready for marriage and babies and a house that I can decorate.

I know. I know.

But that’s the crazy thing about God’s love. Is as crazy as I am feeling and acting and being, He still loves me. I can be coo coo banana pants and He still thinks I’m swell. And I’ve acted pretty looney these past few months.

And though I trust Him, I’m having a rocky start with the trusting His plans. Because I’m 29 years old and I’m scared. I think that’s what it all comes down to. I am scared out of my mind to end up alone. I am frightened that I’ll never have a family. I can want these things all day long, but if it’s not in my future I have to come to grips with that. Though I would love to be published, I am realizing, what I want out of life is a family. And in this fast paced world, I feel like I’m running out of time. Plus, according to Jessica Day, once you turn 30 you loose 90% of your viable eggs! (Shameless New Girl reference, CHECK!)

So what do I do? Where do I go from there? How to get from being scared BLEEP-less? By memorizing, breathing and living 1 Corinthians 2:9 “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared from those who love Him.”

I can’t know what’s next. It’s not really my job to know what’s next. So how do I get from trusting God to also trusting His plan for me?

I think it starts with knowing that He loves me unconditionally. There is nothing in this world that can take His love from me. There’s nothing I or anyone else can do to take His love from me. There is nothing I could have done, beyond existing, to make Him offer me His love.

The word unconditional is a hard concept to grasp because we live in a world where there are conditions for everything. You want that awesome new cell phone, well you have to sign a 2 year contract and hand over your first born in order to get it. You’d like this promotion; it’s yours along with 15 extra hours of work a week. And worst of all “till death do us part” has turned into “until you annoy me too much.”

So what is unconditional in my life? My love for my family and their love for me. Bam. There is actually nothing that any of them could do to make me stop loving them. And sometimes I think some of them actively try. But I will always love my family.

It’s rarer when it comes to my friends, but I’m lucky enough to be able to say that I do have a few that nothing could change my heart towards them. They will never get rid of me. Lucky ducks.

And I have God.

He loves me unconditionally. He loves me if I’m drunk. He loves me if I’m a love sick puppy. He loves me when I curse. He loves me when I'm a B.I.T.C.H. He may not love that that I do all those things, but He still loves me.

One of my favorite passages that I have to remind myself of often is Romans 8: verses 37:39 “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all of creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Is there a more beautiful concept in the world? Can you even wrap your head around that? Some of you are on your first 4^th Day, so you haven’t had this passage shoved down your throat like some of us have. But even though I’ve heard it a hundred times, here at this venue and whenever I need it in my every day life, it still boggles my mind. There is nothing, nothing any of us can do that will make God love us any less. He will hurt for us and He will hope for us. But He will never forsake us and He will never leave us alone.

From there I think that it truly comes down to faith. If I have faith in the love that God gives me, the love that He has for me, then trust in His timing will not be far behind. Faith in His timing will go hand in hand with having trust in His timing. Trust in God and in his plan. For my life, for my career, for my possible future babies (dogs), for my love life. Trust in God.

So I have to start to reevaluate. If God’s plan for me isn’t to “getta married, have-a babies” then what is it? I guess I can’t know. All I can do is be happy in the life that I have. Just because I’m not happily in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m not happy in life, (Which is something I need to work back to after poop head messed with my heart). I enjoy my job most days and I’m taking steps towards furthering my career. I have friends that I adore and family that keeps me around despite the fact that I can be a real pain in the ass. (It’s that unconditional love thing, you see.)

While I wait for God’s plan to present itself to me, as it will, I have to work on me. I can work on me as a person, as a writer and as a Christian. And the ironic thing is having all of that sorted out will make me that much more of a catch when the time finally comes.

God has a plan for all of us and just because it’s not working out the way that we had planned doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be great.

If you go back to my random blog, I said that God’s plan played out for me to meet Chuck but then things fell apart. I don’t know what His plan was, I can guess, but that just leaves me where I was before.

I don’t know how many of you are on Pinterest, but it’s my favorite place to collect quotes. A recent one popped out at me, it goes “Disappointments are just God’s way of saying ‘I’ve got something better.’ So be patient, have faith and live your life.”

Can I get that tattooed some where? Maybe backwards on my forehead?

So the Trust in God talk from someone who isn’t doing their best job on that right now. Interesting. And by now Al has noted that I did not stick to the outline at all and he’s jotting down the words “never again” next to my name in his handy dandy notebook.

But I hope that you all get what I’m trying to say.

You’ve got to trust in the Big Man. His plans for you are going to be spectacular. Even if you’re 29 and don’t know what’s coming next.

All I really know is that I am going to have the cutest dogs. 

The Right to Bear Arms

I have something to say. And I want to say it without being interrupted. So please, just listen.

When our Forefather's wrote in our Constitution that all citizens should have the Right to Bear Arms, THIS is not what they had in mind.

I don't want to take your guns away, hunters who legitimately know the proper uses for your weapon.
I don't want to take your guns away, trained home owner trying to protect your family.
I don't want to take your guns away, shop owner who's had a few scares and has decided to be trained to take action and protect your business.
I don't want to take your guns away.

I do want to make it a little bit harder for untrained, unhinged, individuals to get their hands on them.

I know, it's a small step and attempt and it may infringe on some of our privacy.

But guess what.

Our privacy has been infringed on. Those families privacy has been infringed on.

Poor gun control walked into their homes and left empty beds last night.
Poor gun control made it so that this Christmas will be the worst holiday of their lives.
Poor gun control invaded their privacy yesterday.
Poor gun control took away their right to The Pursuit of Happiness.

Because what they lost is something that they will never get back. Never.

So I'm very sorry if stricter gun laws will be an inconvenience to you. You know what else will be an inconvenience...

Explaining to brothers & sisters why their sibling isn't coming home from school today.
Returning Christmas gifts that were meant for a happy morning just 10 days away.
The inability to get out of bed because part of your heart is gone.

I cannot offer a solution. Lord knows there is not one that will please everyone.

But the truth is this. It is a gun control issue. It is a mental health issue. It is a human issue.

And we have to wake up an pay attention.

God bless those out in Oregon.

God bless those children. God bless those teachers that protected those children. Some with their lives.

God bless. God bless.

God. Bless.

God, hold them.

God give Your comfort and loving hand to their families.

Who am I kidding, this is all irrelevant. You've already got this...

All I want for Christmas is a Backbone

I just need to man up and get my life together. Pick myself up by my bootstraps, paste together the pieces of this life and grow the truck up. So, what I feel I need to do to get my life in order is listed below, but not limited to.

1. Finish at least one of the damn novels or plays I've been avoiding by February 14th. Why February 14th? Because A. it's a day of self loathing so if I have accomplished something by they "oh happy day!" and B. It's one of my best friends birthdays so I'll have something to offer her as a give. "Here is my heart and soul in literary form, you're welcome."

2. Keep on the healthy lifestyle track. From here on out I'm going to continue working out at least 3 times a week and try my darndest to watch what I put in my mouth. We've discussed (at length) that I will never be someone who does like mozzarella sticks or french fries or buffalo chicken pizza. But I don't like how I feel after I've eaten 5 tons of them. Moderation, my dear Watson.

3.Save some moneys. This one is so hard the do during the holidays. I did an OK job keeping gift costs down. I didn't spend over $40 on any one person. But I really need to get my act together, because...

4. Move out. I feel it. This is my year. I'd like to be out of my parents house by my 30th birthday so I can have raging party like most adults do. Maybe I'll get a kegerator as a gift. Fingers crossed.

5. Submit some scripts, you dumb scared sh*t.




I think that's a nice little jumping off point. Don't you?

Have an issue? Here's a tissue!

I got my nails did on Wednesday and it made me realize that I have got some issues. Like serious, should see a therapist, WTF is your problem? issues.

I sat there as the very lovely Asian lady did my nails and I compare my body to her's and ever other Asian woman in the joint. Really Janice? Really? Asian people won the lottery with their genes, they get to be gorgeous and look young forever, plus have naturally high metabolisms, and you're going to compare your body to theirs???

I do it the other way around too. This very same day. This very same salon. I was looking at the woman next to me thinking "Am I as big as her? When people look at me, is that what they see? Someone that chubby? What about her?" Sick.

Sick. Sick. Sick.

What kind of crazy psycho is that???

Later, when I was owning it at the bar, three beers & 2 shots in, Bridget said something that she has said before. "Janice, you gotta own it. This is the body you have, own it!" And she is right.

I've been walking around in this body for 29 years. Well, maybe more like 28 years because for at least that first year I wasn't walking much. And for the majority of that I have disliked my body. How lame is that???

And to make matters worse, I've been playing the victim!!! I've been saying "I don't like my body because of this, because someone said that, because society has told me I shouldn't." WHAT?

What is that? From me? I'm the one who wants to vom a little when people blame their issues on someone else. Sweet Jesus, it's time for me to grow up.

It is no one's fault but my own that I dislike my body. And how exhausting must it be for my body? Constantly trying to live up to something that I can't possibly live up to. My body will never be the same exact shape as someone else's it's physically impossible. Unless I become really rich and decide to get some plastic surgery, which beyond botox I can promise will never happen.

The worst part about my dislike of my body is that I don't find myself attractive so I've convinced myself that no one else will. That's pathetic. No wonder I can't meet anyone, I ooze self hatred. I mean, I love a lot of things about myself. My personality for one is fairly amazing. But if I don't want to have sex with me, why would anyone else want to have sex with me? Does that even make sense?

Ugg I can actually trace the root of that one. So my little plea now is for any dads, uncles, cousins, brothers etc reading this to watch their tongues around young impressionable kiddos. An adult male in my life said something about men finding overweight woman disgusting in front of me when I was a kid and that one has stuck with me.

Even though, I'm not really over weight. Yeah I could use to lose a few poundsies to be healthier but I'm not grotesque! In honor of Thanksgiving I think I'll list things about my body that I am thankful for. You should do it too!

1. My legs. I played soccer as a kid & they are pretty awesome still. Especially when I start working out again (which I have!) they tighten up and get rock solid!

2. My boobs. They're a good size & they're nice an high so that hopefully in many years they wont be at my waist. I got that going for me.

3. My waist. Right now it's a little bit bigger around than I would like, but hey, I still have one. Which gives me nice curves to show off whenever I feel ballsy enough to do so.

In other news, I've been jogging a lot likely. Which is kind of awesome.

In other other news, man Rudolph is one sexiest ageist hate filled movie. And yet I still love it. Imagine that.

About Time for a Fall Review

Here are the shows that I care enough to talk about. If I put all the shows that I enjoy this would be the longest post in the history of posts and would probably bore everyone.

Revenge has come back with, well a vengeance. Heheh... see what I did there? Anyway it opened back up with delisciousness, Victoria is alive (shocker! but not really...) Charlotte is alive! Declan & Jack are tortured poor souls. Amanda is coo coo pants. Nolan is sexy & Emily is off getting a refresher course in being a badass from Tokata (Wow, that's the first time I've ever gotten that name correct, ever). But the best part is Aidan, the new and improved lover for Ms. Thorne. He's dark, he's dangerous, he's devilishly handsome & most importantly... he's English. Colin Frizzle was not wrong, an English accent automatically makes you hotter to the tenth degree. Anyway, I'm not going to spoil anything for anyone who hasn't had a chance to catch up...but seriously, catch up. You're missing out on amazing soapy yum yums. And Aidan is sooooo worth it. Oh & Daniels still around too, pretending to be someone who could take over his fathers company. I know -- Hi-larious!

So Once Upon A Time ended last season and I was kind of like... umm OK dudes where are you going to go from here? What's your plan? But they're going in the right direction. If you haven't seen the first few episodes & you plan on it, stop reading now, because I cannot really talk about this particular show without giving away a few juicies. Ok, so the first is that Snow & Emma have been accidentally (or NOT so accidentally) sent back to magical fairy land. So just when true love had a chance to be awesome, not so much. But now the queen is trying to repent (a  bit) which I love, and win back Henry's trust. Charming is all "I'm the Sheriff, hear me roar!" which is a little annoying and a little sexy. Snow & Emma are over in La La Land making goo goo eyes at Mulan & Captain Hook (respectfully) and Sleeping Beauty is all "woah is me, Philip is dead & well I was sleeping he fell in love with Mulan." Hook is sexy as HELL so check out his gimpy hotness. But the absolute best part is that RENE IS HENRY'S DAD!!!! Well the actor who played Rene on True Blood is the sire to our little hero. And though we haven't seen him, we know that Pinocchio is awake because he promised to send Rene (I don't remember his character's name - sorry) a post card when he could finally be with Emma again & at the beginning of the first episode a pigeon (oh yeah fairy tale magic puts the animals of our world to work! Republicans would be so proud) drops of a post card from Storybrooke. So while Emma is falling for Hook, the love of her life is headed towards home. AWKWARD!

What can I say about Castle? I guess all I have to say is...BINGO!!!! I think that for the first time in television history the couple got together and the show didn't go down the shitter!!! (I'm looking at you Bones!) Caskett has to keep things under wraps while at work so that leaves room for it not to get super mooshy. Plus watching Ryan & Esposito figure out that the two of them are finally making woopy made me giggle like a school girl. Also, if you don't have a crush on Nathan Fillion, like a "Joss Whedon, put you in everything I make, never let you go," kind of crush... then you have no soul!

New Girl has, by some miracle, just gotten funnier. Admittedly the first few episodes were kind of rough. I was like "but how? but why?" but they've gotten back into the swing of thing. The most recent episode had Jess on her period, Nick learning how to chill out, Schmidt trying to (once again) steal CeCe away from her beau and Winston thinking he had inherited Jess' menstruation. Hilarity ensued. Just watch. Please?

There are no words for Happy Endings. None whatsoever. Just watch this show and laugh your tuchis off and then buy me a drink for sending you in it's direction. I know. I know. People say a bagillion times "Oh my God! this show like TOTALLY is me and my friends! Like totally!" but somehow the writing and acting of this show kismittley come together to create "ness" that is just SO realistic. The dynamics between all the friends is just, how life roles. ya know? I don't know. Just trust me and watch it. Plus, I am Teegan Arrowspeare. Yes now you have to watch so you understand that reference. I AM A MASTERMIND!!!

Ok now it's time to get real. The only NEW show that I'm even slightly moved to mention is Nashville because it's the only show that I would cry if they cancelled. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I would probably pay money to watch Connie Britton take a sh*t. Luckily I can watch her do much prettier things, like sing and act like a lady, for free. Then there's Eric Close who I normally love but he is such a backboneless twirp that I hate him. But I love that I hate him. Word!!! The music is also somewhere between the best thing ever and I want to bathe in it and I'm in love and iTunes probably loves my $1.29 every time I purchase a song. Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio rock my frickin' socks off with every song they sing. Charles Esten could take my close off any day. Oopps, did I say that out loud? And Hayden Panettiere's Juliette made me so flippin' angry the first few episodes and now guess what... Love her!!! To top it all off Jonathon Jackson is back! Remember when I loved him with my whole heart as Lucky on General Hospital. Oh man, I do. Anyway, catch this show. It's good. And though it doesn't yet compare with Revenge in it's soapiness, it definitely has my heart.

I hope this made you feel entertained and informed. I have to get back to work now! LATERRRR!!!

Honorable mentions include, but are not limited to:

Revolution

Raising Hope

The Mindy Project

Ben & Kate

Modern Family

Suburgatory

Elementary

The Most Grounded Girls

I'm a little kooky. I always have been. I always will be.

But I've always been able to lock it up. I've always been grounded. I don't even know anymore.

How can one person, who obviously doesn't have the time to think about me as much as I do them, have such power over me? I don't even know where that began.

No. That's not true. I know where it began.

It began when I felt something with someone that I hadn't felt in a very long time. It began when there was a connection that, at one point, was just as important to both of us. It began with lost intimacy.

It began when I started missing the way he made me feel.

I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have frickin' known.

Because now here we are, my first blog post in months and we're STILL talking about this. It's exhausting. Aren't you exhausted?

There's a lot more going on in this world besides my stupid broken heart. I just wish that my head could remind my heart of that.

I've had an amazing few months. I've had incredible experiences. An awesome birthday. An 8 day power outage. People within miles of me lost their homes. I've dated, a lot for me. I've been talking to up to 3 people at once.

And yes I'm still, or back to, talking to him.

It was accidental. Accidental in that I found myself in the perfect position to call him, so I did & he answered. That was a month ago & I do actually find being in some sort of communication with him is better than none. Because with none I drive myself a little bit crazier than with a little. It's stupid, but even the most grounded of girls finds themselves acting a little bit crazy banana pants when it comes to their hearts. I want to not read into things, and 9 out of 10 times I do a really good job of that.

I'm 29. Since September I've dated a good, handsome, sweet man. I've dated a semi naive, super hot, definitely dorky guy who has no idea how hot he is. And I've entertained the idea of having a love affair with a 20 year old who either thinks he's super smooth hitting on the older woman or actually thinks I'm the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen.

And through all this I still wonder. I wonder about something that isn't even there. Logically it would never even work, because I will always wonder when he's going to disappear again. And you know what, I'm really getting tired of people calling him the asshole. Yes he did some dick like things, but I am definitely to blame here too. I keep walking back into the lions den, thinking he's gonna change. And every time he changes just enough that I think it's worth it.

But anyway... I've come to some realizations.

A. He's not a bad guy, he's just fucked up. And aren't we all. And he has chosen to not drag me into that and I'm like the little girl asking for more candy after too many pieces. My stomach is torn to pieces.

B. You have to take shit day by day. With everything. Also, you have to take A shit everyday, otherwise you're super uncomfortable.

C. I'm the only one who can make my life anything, so what the heck am I waiting for?

D. I've got to move out of my parents house or there WILL be a matricide. (If anyone is still out there reading this DO NOT tell my mother I said that.)

5. I am so awesome. Let's just get that out there. And I should be with someone, or want someone, who actually recognizes that and acts like it!




Last night I had this incredible dream that I hated. It was me and my boyfriend (vacant placeholder - maybe Ryan Gosling? Ok FINE! It was him, he... IT!) and we had just moved into our new place. And of the sudden everyone, literally everyone that's important to me shows up. And I turn to him and I say "Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! I didn't know they were coming! I don't know why they're here!" And he says "It's fine, lets all cook something up." And we spend the entire evening cooking and laughing and being happy. But then when they all went to leave, my mom just starting crying her eyes out. And so I started crying and we said goodbye and I turned to  him with tears and we just hugged. It was one of those amazing hugs that doesn't end and you just hold each other, neither wanting to let go. And it didn't end. Literally. Because then I woke up.

Now all day I've be en wondering what that was about. I've been pondering and questioning what the hell my subconscious was trying to tell me. I'll never get it, not fully. But I think part of what it was doing was showing me what my happiness would be. In some crazy way.



I'm having a real hard time with the concept of God's time right now. Even the most grounded girls take their eyes off the prize when they're trying to heal a broken heart. Even 6 months later...

Cookie Dough

Why is it so hard to re-convince your body to do things that are good for it. I have been off my strict regime for approximately 25 days and today was my first day easing back into eating better.

I haven't been completely off track but I have not been stopping myself from eating that 3rd slice of pizza either. (It's just so tasty!!!!)

And I definitely haven't kept up with my workouts either. I've gone on a few runs, done a few videos but really nothing to significant in comparison to before.

I know how much better I feel all around when I eat better and workout regularly, so why is it so very hard to get back into it?

It's also strange for me to think that it's only been a few weeks since Bridget's wedding. Since the incident of smexual schmasault. Since I descended into my dark place. A place that consists mainly of Jane Austen movies and pajama pants. But I climbed back out of it, as I always do. With a little help from self esteem boost and a swift kick in my own ass.

I was sad because I thought that I had lost something that never really existed. I re-read He's Just Not That Into You. Well the chapter(s) that directly related to my situation. And the one that was most pertinent was "He's Just Not That Into You If He Disappeared on You." It couldn't be any more clearer than that. Greg Berandt (the resident former douche bag author of the book) makes some very valid points regarding this:

1. Yes maybe his cat died. Yes maybe his dad got sick. Yes maybe all of the sudden work got real. fast. But do you really want the guy who can't take 30 seconds out of his "busy" life to shoot you a text to let you know what's up. Do you want the guy that doesn't think you're worth that?

I sure shit don't.

2. You want someone who will pursue you. No, you don't let them do all the work but it's nice to feel wanted. Don't let them get all that good feeling.

3. If a guy is interested in you  the way you deserve to be interested in, he will find you. No matter where no matter what.

And shit head knows where to find me.

So I've been working more on me these last few weeks. I re-opened my OK Cupid account. Which has been interesting. I've been hit on & begun a text thing with a 20 year old. That might be a train wreck waiting to happen. And I've realized I'm better than this person I was dissolving into.

I'm Janice F***ING McCrostie.

And maybe I will only be the awesome Aunt. But if that's my fate, I will be the awesome published Aunt. The one who's getting Oscar nods for their screen plays. The one with Pulitzers (ok that might be stretching it) The one with passion for herself and her work.

That's who I want to be. And as much as I love Lizzy Bennett and Anne Elliott they do not help me become that person.

I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking.