Prayers & Self Control

Lately I've realized that my self control is running on empty. If I want a cookie, I eat a cookie. And I fricken LOOOOVE that cookie. I need to fill this tank up, stat.

I think that all goes hand in hand with where I am emotionally in my life and something has kind of come to mind. When I feel like my life is spiralling out of control I do much better with my working out and my eating. This is because I know this is the one thing I can control. I can control what I eat and I can control when I work out.

But that knowledge does not help me when I'm happy with life. So frustrating. I know what I need to do but I just need to do it. So. Gross.

In other news, I've been meaning to start doing one post a week as a prayer. Kind of checking in with the Big Man all while letting you all in on the craziness that is my mind. You lucky ducks. I thought Sunday would be a good day but I'm usually busy on Sundays. Then thought "Monday, perfect way to shove off into a new week. Ahoy mateeees!" but then I kept forgetting to do it on Monday too. Anyway I've decided to just kick off today's post with a little something something to my Best Friend upstairs.



God, 

How's it going? Ehh I'm alright. Less about me, more about you. 

I guess I just want to thank you for everything I have going on. My family is all healthy, my friends are all healthy (for the most part. I mean some are kind of questionable mentally, but physically they're right as rain), I have a job that most days I love. So. Thanks, that's awesome. 

Hope things up there are going ok. I hope that those new members of your team are settling in alright. We've had kind of a rough year for the news worthy deaths, so although in my personal life things haven't been too wretched, I like to keep everyone in my prayers. Give them all a high five for me. 

I guess that's it for today. I don't want to forget to thank you for things, so if I do let me know cause that's rude. 

As always please guide me where you need me to go. Cause sometimes I'm super unsure. 

Keep it real. Chat soon.

Later,

Janice

Oh! Can you help me with the self control thing cause that is out of control!!!

2 Things My Body Decided Today

My body has suddenly decided 2 things.

Number 1: that today was for pastries.

Or maybe Bob decided that when he brought left over Mother's Day goodies in.

The rest of my meals were semi healthy and kind on track. But the 2 danishes were not. And the no work outs were not. I think I need a smack in my head. Any takers?

Number 2: that pollen and it are no longer friends.

They'll no longer get together for coffee. Or to go see the new hit movie that's out. And they definitely will not be grabbing drinks later.

I seriously hate it. Time to get Clariton Clear. Like, yesterday. 

The Mind's Eye

I don't like how I see myself. I mean everyone has something that when they look at a photo of themselves thinks "eeee gads!" but I just think it's really sad that I see pictures of myself and think "holy mother of arms that are big and flabby!"

It's just kind of sad that I think that. Especially since my arms are not that big and flabby, in real time.

This got me thinking about how many times in my life that I have been fit (not "skinny") but healthy and strong and at that time I still thought of myself as a huge gigantic mess. For an example, back in September 2012, right after Bridget's wedding when I looked a picture like this:

What I saw was this: 

When I looked at pictures like this:

+

All I saw was this: 

Double fisting of champagne aside, those first photos look nothing like those second photos. But in my mind they do. Which is crazy. THAT'S CRAZY!

How do we get there? At which point in our existence do we stop seeing ourselves as what we really look like?

The photo that really brought all of this to mind has a bunch of people in it from my acting class and in my mind, my arms look like a linebackers. Really, I'm pretty sure I could take out Michael Strahan. And somewhere in the confines of my mind I know this is untrue. I know that my arms are not the size of Vin Diesel's. But why is that how I see it?

I honestly don't have an answer for this one. And after a Monday & Tuesday of really locking up my eating habits, I fell horribly victim to a flash storm and flood and was cold and wet and the salads just would not do. So yeah, I ordered chinese. And now I feel like an ass because I need to lock up my self control. Then I saw the picture mentioned above and felt even worse. 

There isn't even something that I remember from once upon a time when someone said something to me about my arms being flabby and big. It just crept into my brain one day and made itself at home. I just wish I could fix it. I wish I (and everyone else!) could see myself the way that the rest of the world sees me. 

Right now I've gain the weight back that I lost for the wedding. Even more so because a lot of the work I had done was weight training work so all that muscle turned into flub. And the knowledge that I did it once, I can do again is in my brain, I just have to get back to that. 

But there are some things I have going for me. Yesterday at kickboxing I felt strong while holding the plank and pushup position. I felt like I could have stayed up there longer. Last weekend I ran proooooobably at least maybe 2 out of 3 miles in a 5K. I'm not completely out of shape, just not where I really want and hope to be. It's the tiny victories.

The thing that makes me most upset is knowing that their are young girls out there thinking the exact same thing as me. And they don't realize yet that they are enough, "huge" arms aside.

What the actual f***?

THIS actually causes my gag reflex to start working over time. Like, the back of my throat feels gross and my stomach is upset.

This is what is wrong with our world and our society. Ugh. I can't even complete a whole sentence. My mind is literally running a thousand miles a minutes. How do people in this world still think like this? How do people still think this is ok?

Every single person in this universe, even the total douche buckets, are unique, special and beautiful in some sort of way. Essentially what A&F is saying is that, your weight defines who you are.

It doesn't.

A scale will never tell me how funny I am.
A scale will never tell me how compassionate I am.
A scale will never tell me if I'm helpful.
A size XL (which I bought the other day, FYI) does not tell me how well I do my job.
A size XL will never inform me as to whether or not I am a good person.

What makes A&F think that they should pass judgement on who I am, just because sometimes I have to purchase a size XL instead of a Large.

Further, just so we're on the same page Abercrombie and Fitch, your L is more of an S. You smug asshat.

Wanting to market to "the cool kids" is the most high school response I've ever heard and I spent the last two days with Middle and High Schoolers. Somebody had no friends growing up and I think his name is Mike Jeffries.

Please people, for the love of your daughters, nieces and friends, for all the young impressionable minds out there, show Abercrombie and Fitch that you'll take your business elsewhere. Even if that makes you "uncool."

And yes I plan on burning the ONE A&F shirt that I own. It's a Large. And I used to wear the shit out of it. Tarnishing your brand because I am one dorky little bitch.

YOU SUCK!

Breakdown in the Produce Aisle

You know what's not a good look on me? Desperation. It's rare. But that ugly bitch rears her disgusting head every once in while. And on Sunday, I was desperate.

For some wine.

So when the numerous glasses of champagne I indulged in at a bridal shower earlier in the day did not quench my alcohol lust, I decided to make a run. And since we had no food in the house and I had high hopes for a week of healthy eating, I figured I would pop by the grocery store as well. At that, my mom offered me her card to get some stuff that the whole family would need.

So I get there. I even call my mom to say "Hey. What's the _____ sitch? Should I get some more?" and tell her that I'm going to put it on my card. We both realized at this point that she had forgotten to give me her's.

Meanwhile, in the produce aisle, the grocery store is mocking me. There are literally couples everywhere. It's date night at the deli counter.

"Oh honey, what kind of turkey should we get?"
"Silly, I hate munster cheese!"
"Should we get some more lettuce?"
"What should we have on Tuesday!"
"Oh you!!!"

I even witnessed a bit of a tiff regarding the type of veggies one couple was purchasing. Yes, pre-cut celery is a ripoff Sir, I agree with you!

Anyway so I get to the check out counter, ring up my load and realize that I do not have my card on me. All I have is $27 and big dreams. I had to do the good ole "can you put that back." beep. "and this." beep. "this too."

Until I had enough money. How embarrassing. And I don't embarrass easily.

When I got home, miffed and STILL without wine. I took it out the fridge (the mayo is still stuck to the cap of the jar from when an entire shelf fell mercilessly to the floor, when I may or may not have shoved the door a little too harshly).

Once the mayo rolled away (along with a couple of salad dressings now properly shaken), I dissolved into tears, took off my pants and climbed into my bed. Where I proceeded to work it all out on my pillow.

Eventually my mom came in and pointed out to me that none of this has anything to do with my lack of wine or my embarrassment at the check out counter and all to do with my discomfort in how comfortable I am.

And she's right.

She reminded me of when I was 26 years old at a job that could have held a bright future for me. A job that if I had stayed at would have paid off my loans by now and I would definitely not be living with mom and pop. A job that I had started to hate.

So, in her eyes, I did the bravest thing she could imagine... I moved to Scotland and went back to school.

My mom asked me where that girl went.

And she couldn't be more right. Where did that girl go? Because I like my job, but I'm comfortable. It's time for a change. It's time for something.

Which is hard because I genuinely love The Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey and I am proud to work for this company and be affiliated with the theatre we create. But it's not enough for my soul.

Because working here does not challenge me. And I'm most comfortable when I'm uncomfortable. Which is something I never recognized until these past few days.

So because I love these people I'm not going to disappear on them, but it's time to revamp this life of mine.

Starting with my bod. I've eaten better in these last 2 days than I have in a while and I'm staying active every day. The next step is to copyright 2 of my plays and start submitting them. The third is to work on some of my novels. I have like 5 started just hanging out in my computer like "yo, Janice? Are we even friends anymore? You don't call, you don't write?" LITERALLY.

So I didn't actually breakdown in the produce aisle. I did wait until I was in the privacy of my own kitchen, give me that. It may have made for a better blog post, but really people... throw me a frickin' bone here.

Ok I have to go practice drawing a sword for the scene I have to perform in 2 hours. So, yeah not with a pencil, like from my hip. Like a Knight or some shit. This should end well...

Oh Hey. Look.

I may be pushed to the edge this week. I hate it. With work, I've been in until super late all week, plus my parents are away so I have to dog & the house to take care of. I'm just beat.

I know... somebody call a WAMBULANCE! But I'm just exhausted.

The worst of it all is over the past weeks I've noticed that I've gained ALL my pre Bridget's wedding weight back. I know. Sad Day USA.

I've lost, RIP, three pairs of jeans over the past few weeks. I have no money to buy new ones. I finally stitched up a pair with a crazy hole only for those jeans to lose their life via zipper popping not an hour later.

This week at work is crazypants and I should be watching my food intake but it's hard. When you have 0 food at home, 0 time to go shopping and 0 money to go food shopping with. So yes, this week has been a beautiful mess of frozen pizza, chicken fingers and Burger King. That's right! On the day I lost another pair of jeans, I ate Burger King! SUCK IT!!!

And right now, it this moment I just finished a Qudoba burrito.

Next week. Next week I'm back in action. I swear. Gotta get this body beach ready.

Ugh-ness.

Out Like a Lamb.

It's been a while. Life got awesome and then it got mucky so I took a hiatus.

Last weekend I took a trip down to WV to visit my friends. It's all so strange to me now. It was so amazing a great to see everyone but it left me so sad. I had this whole realization that I will just always be missing this people. If I moved down there I would miss everyone from home. So there's no win/win for me. It's exhausting. Worst/Best decision I even made was to go to school so far away.

I mean really no matter which way I slice in I'm missing someone. At some point in my day I think of someone from one of the many places I've lived and think "damn, I miss them." It's the worst/best.

In the end I'm really glad  I went because I got to meet a bunch of babies, hang out with woman I love and admire and see the beautiful state that I love.

In case you're wondering...


I came home to the super crappy news that a friend from high school passed away. It's just the worst. I'll never get over losing people from my childhood. There's no reason they should be gone and I should still be here. It just really hurts. And I hurt for my friends who were still close with the individual because I cannot even imagine what they're going through.

And then within the same day I found out that my other friends beautiful baby was born. So last week was an emotional roller coaster to say the very least.

But so that's my little catch up. I joined another dating site until I realized I had to pay for it and then I deleted my account. AGAIN. Maybe I'll hop back on the OKstupid again to see what's up. I'm not even interested in dating I think I'm just bored. UGH!



Oh, happy Jesus is BAAACK day.