Friday, February 18, 2011

I just want to wear a bikini!! COME ON!!!

Growing up my mom always used to tell me to get into shape "now" because once you get older it’s not as easy to shed those pounds. I’m only 27 but last night, I almost had a Crying Game shower after the gym. I’ve been working out for almost 3 months, 3!!! And I’ve lost 2 pounds. 2!!!!! I’m so frustrated. I don’t eat poorly, I mean I usually have a salad for at least one meal a day and I avoid carbs. So what am I supposed to do?

Do I have to completely stop eating anything with flavor in it? Maybe just stop eating in general? I’m well aware that it’s a “life change” not just a temporary change. I’ve been there and done that and gained every pound back. So I’m trying. I’m trying to change the life. Trying to change the eating habits. Working out reguarly and eating a lot more fruits and veggies. What else can I do? Seriously...

People out there who have been thin all their lives have no idea what it’s like. And without whining I’m going to try and explain it. This is what being overweight has been like for me. It’s been years and years of looking at other girls and feeling hurt. Hurt that God decided to give me a life long struggle while giving them a free pass. If I want to be comfortable in my own skin I have to survive on a diet of lettuce & red peppers and they get to eat whatever they want. If I want to be thin I have to sacrafice constantly.

How can I explain it better... It’s like when you see someone with something that you really want and you get that feeling of envy. It's like that, every day, all the time. It’s going out and being witty and charming and super cute, but not getting any attention because your friends waist line could fit a rubber band around it. It’s praying for will power and crying for strength. It’s living pound by pound and self judging everything you put in your mouth. It’s never finding clothes that you actually feel comfortable in. It’s loving yourself but not the package you come in.

Now there are a lot of people out there who may now be saying… If you’re so miserable do something about it. Well I’m not miserable, not all the time. I’ve become numb to it all. It’s just a part of my life now. And, like I said above I’m trying to do something about it. And I don’t know where to go from here. This isn’t me trying to invite you all to my pity party, I’m sincerely just trying to get you to understand where chubby girls like me are coming from when we get defensive that you say “oh my God I’m so fat.” Cause screw you, you have no idea.

I know everyone has their own insecurities and I respect yours. But when you’re obviously not overweight & you complain about it… I want to punch you in the face. Because you have no idea what it’s like to wish to turn just a few heads, and know that you haven’t.

This post got a lot more wallow-y than I meant for it to. But if anybody has any cheap ideas for losing weight, please let me know. I’m struggling here... I’m about to get one of those new Wendy’s Asiago Burgers. I mean have you seen the commercial!! It looks scrumptious!!


  1. I'm glad you wrote about this. I, as a fellow chubby, identify completly with the envy of living and the idea that you love yourself but hating your packaging. And yknow what? I feel like if you've lived with it long enough, that will always be a part of you. I lost 50 lbs 2009-2010 and have since plateaued, gained 15-20 lbs of it back and lost a lot of definition and pride. While everyone recognized the loss, it still never clicked with me. I still looked in the mirror and saw the same shape that I hated and its only since I've lost that new shape that I realize what I had.

    Recommendation for food intake: definitely write everything down. Even if you're eating all healthy stuff, sometimes the breakdown of what you're eating is surprising (e.g. sodium intake, not enough fiber, etc.). Try out new things all the time. Breaking your comfort zone is vital with food AND exercise.

    Totally hooked on your blog already. Keep 'em coming. And feel free to reference mine for similar frustrations/topics haha

  2. Janice, love you and miss you!!! What works for me is using to track my eats and workouts. Right now I'm very happy with my body but I've been busting ass at the gym. If you can afford a gym membership to a place with lots of group classes, it's the best. I try new classes so I've always got variety. It's the "exercising rut" that can really make you plateau. Also, local places might have Zumba for cheap, which is really fun.