Advice For You To Take or Leave. I know I change the title every week... get over it.
So today's question is about amore. Oooo lala blech. A reader asked me if it's possible to care for, even love someone but not want to be with them? And further how do you tell that person that now is just not the right time?
I feel like there is a lot more to this story so I guess I'll just add that these two have dated for over 2 years & broke up about 4 months ago & their mutual friends stuck their big huge noses in and caused a sh*t ton of drama. Over the past few weeks/months though, now that they are living in separate states, they have kept very close with one another via phone. But now he wants her to move closer to him, possibly in with him.
She actually asked this question over the phone yesterday & because I'm a frickin' busy body who has the man-gene of wanting to fix everything I actually talked her down then. But just in case anyone out there is going through the same thing, here's is an instant replay of what I had to tell her yesterday. Well less instant, more a novelette.
First of all I know exactly how you feel sister!!! (Please refer to The Definition of Fine) It is absolutely possible, plausible, gonna happen in your life time that you can have been in love with someone, possibly still in love with that someone and the timing just isn't right. I thought that was an old wives tale myself, but I'm telling your right now it's absolutely true.
Now that we got that out of the way, I'm gonna tell you that 4 months is a long time, especially when the amount of drama that happened to you is involved. So therefore, neither of you are the same person anymore. So even though you're off on this new scary adventure & falling back into what's comfortable sounds reeeeealllllllyyyy tempting. Do not do it. Because it's not going to be what you thought it would be & then things are going to be even more facacdaad. You're not the same you & if he even is still the same him... isn't he the him that you passed on a few months back? Trust me I would rather stay in my PJ all the time too, but when my favorite pair of sweats rips in the crotch, I can't wear them anymore. What was broken back then isn't fixed now, it just looks that way through your nostalgia glasses.
You guys have a nice little friendship thing going now, which I give you mad props on. But one or both of you is still hoping for the "bad for you", that things will magically fall into place and you will get back together. Which, at this point is not right. Maybe 3, 4, 5 years down the line, but not right now. But I'll tell you this, if you keep up this talking every day, still using pet names BS, the minute one of you finds someone else, the opportunity for a friendship is a goner! The other person is going to be so hurt that they aren't going to be able to see anything but red. So my suggestion is to back off for a while. Talk maybe once or twice a week. Set those boundaries, they're important if the friendship is going to stay intact.
And that is exactly what you can say to him. Make it about you (men like that) say that you would be really hurt if he found someone else & that he knows how that feels bc of (blacked out undisclosed information). And that you both need time to rediscover who you are without that other person. Or, do what I did, take the lame way out and back off for a while. They'll hopefully get the point.
Will it suck for you as much as it sucks for them? yes. But in the long run it will be for the best. Trust me on that one, personal experience.
So I guess I'm just trying to say if you want to salvage what is left of your best friendship, you need to set the boundaries. You need to tell him absolutely that you moving in with him is out of the questions, though moving closer in a separate apartment is not. But even that will not be for a long time. Let him know that although you do still truly care about him, maybe even love him, right now you're not in love with him. That's important for him to understand, the difference between those two things. You can throw him a "maybe someday" bone if you would like to, but it's not entirely necessary. I promise, he's already thinking that anyway.
So today's question is about amore. Oooo lala blech. A reader asked me if it's possible to care for, even love someone but not want to be with them? And further how do you tell that person that now is just not the right time?
I feel like there is a lot more to this story so I guess I'll just add that these two have dated for over 2 years & broke up about 4 months ago & their mutual friends stuck their big huge noses in and caused a sh*t ton of drama. Over the past few weeks/months though, now that they are living in separate states, they have kept very close with one another via phone. But now he wants her to move closer to him, possibly in with him.
She actually asked this question over the phone yesterday & because I'm a frickin' busy body who has the man-gene of wanting to fix everything I actually talked her down then. But just in case anyone out there is going through the same thing, here's is an instant replay of what I had to tell her yesterday. Well less instant, more a novelette.
First of all I know exactly how you feel sister!!! (Please refer to The Definition of Fine) It is absolutely possible, plausible, gonna happen in your life time that you can have been in love with someone, possibly still in love with that someone and the timing just isn't right. I thought that was an old wives tale myself, but I'm telling your right now it's absolutely true.
Now that we got that out of the way, I'm gonna tell you that 4 months is a long time, especially when the amount of drama that happened to you is involved. So therefore, neither of you are the same person anymore. So even though you're off on this new scary adventure & falling back into what's comfortable sounds reeeeealllllllyyyy tempting. Do not do it. Because it's not going to be what you thought it would be & then things are going to be even more facacdaad. You're not the same you & if he even is still the same him... isn't he the him that you passed on a few months back? Trust me I would rather stay in my PJ all the time too, but when my favorite pair of sweats rips in the crotch, I can't wear them anymore. What was broken back then isn't fixed now, it just looks that way through your nostalgia glasses.
You guys have a nice little friendship thing going now, which I give you mad props on. But one or both of you is still hoping for the "bad for you", that things will magically fall into place and you will get back together. Which, at this point is not right. Maybe 3, 4, 5 years down the line, but not right now. But I'll tell you this, if you keep up this talking every day, still using pet names BS, the minute one of you finds someone else, the opportunity for a friendship is a goner! The other person is going to be so hurt that they aren't going to be able to see anything but red. So my suggestion is to back off for a while. Talk maybe once or twice a week. Set those boundaries, they're important if the friendship is going to stay intact.
And that is exactly what you can say to him. Make it about you (men like that) say that you would be really hurt if he found someone else & that he knows how that feels bc of (blacked out undisclosed information). And that you both need time to rediscover who you are without that other person. Or, do what I did, take the lame way out and back off for a while. They'll hopefully get the point.
Will it suck for you as much as it sucks for them? yes. But in the long run it will be for the best. Trust me on that one, personal experience.
So I guess I'm just trying to say if you want to salvage what is left of your best friendship, you need to set the boundaries. You need to tell him absolutely that you moving in with him is out of the questions, though moving closer in a separate apartment is not. But even that will not be for a long time. Let him know that although you do still truly care about him, maybe even love him, right now you're not in love with him. That's important for him to understand, the difference between those two things. You can throw him a "maybe someday" bone if you would like to, but it's not entirely necessary. I promise, he's already thinking that anyway.
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