Wednesday, February 27, 2013

No Boys Allowed

Seriously. If you're a dude don't read this. You're either a man that doesn't want to hear about this particular subject or you're a man who is gay and thinks we have a gnomb down there. (Shout out Easy A! What up?)

Seriously. Seriously. Don' t keep reading. Because I'm about to talk about my body it ways that only woman will find entertaining and hilarious. Yes, I'm going to talk about THAT part of my body.


I said STOP.

Are you still reading? It's your mental picture funeral.

So this is the sordid sad tale of my poor, sweet, innocent vagina. Yeah, I said vagina. She's been through a lot in the last few years. And I've actually toyed with sharing this story or not because it's like a whole new level of personal. But I laugh so hard whenever I think about it that I finally decided that it's meant to be told for generations to come.

When I was living in Glasgow I got a sinus infection that left me debilitated. Mostly because I did that thing I do where I believe I'm fine but I'm really not, so I let it go for a week or two until my girlfriend insists that I go see the doctor and the doctor doesn't even have to see me because she can tell by my email that I'm dying of a sinus infection and just sends my prescription in. You know? THAT thing.

I get my antibiotics, and everything is all fine and good. I eat my yogurts. Still fine. Still good. Until it's not. Until I get the yeast infection to end all yeast infections. Seriously. Apparently UK antibiotics are much stronger than US ones. Oh and also I did that thing where I used over the counter meds, but they didn't really help, but I refused to go to the doctor because "I was fine". Weird, something new for me.

I wasn't fine.

It got to the point where the itch was so burning that I was putting unflavored yogurt on my Va-J-J. I had tried medicines to ease the burning itch, they did not work. I was to the point of turning to a breakfast option to ease my pain. My Ex wins the prize for being the best caretaker ever, because at this point it had literally been 3-4 weeks of me being the most miserable person in the world. So here I am putting a yummy breakfast treat on my vagina, when I finally get in to see the Doc.

A swab is taken. The worst is running through my brain. I have athletes foot of the vagina! Only to find out that the infection is gone, but I've irritated my skin to the point of no return. So the doctor did what any right minded medical professional would think of to do...

She put my vagina on steroids. My vagina was 'roid raging.

Yeah. That happened.

And that cured everything for a long while. But then all of the sudden last spring it started bothering me again. I had some 'roids left but they were going to expire soon and be gone soon so I went to the doctor, sans insurance. That's how miserable this was ladies, I was willing to pay out the butt to get help.

My amazing gyno told me she couldn't see anything particular and prescribed me 3 things:

1. Stop wearing underwear to bed. (Umm if you don't already do this, please do. It's very liberating)
2. Desitin. Yup. I've been using baby butt cream on my vashoosh. That is as bad as it sounds.

So both of these things helped and even though it does act up from time to time, for the most part I wont need to do the final thing that my gyno recommended.

3. If none of the above had worked, I would have had to take my vagina to the Dermatologist.

So that's my tale. Please share and help keep other unsuspecting young ladies from needing steroids and baby butt cream to keep their vagina in line.

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