Dear Abby's Rejects

My Mom sent me an email that truly made me giggle. It was a list of questions that Dear Abby was at a loss to answer. Whether or not these were really sent into her I don't know, but I found some of them very easy to answer. So I thought I'd give them a shot.

Dear Abby,
    A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.  Do you think they could be Lebanese?

My Response: Mind your damn business and tie your tubes.

Dear Abby,
    What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

My Response: Make yourself a drink and enjoy the stuff your husband recorded.

Dear Abby,
   I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his...

My Response: Ask yourself this... Has he been diddiliing other guys? Have I? Did we have a threesome with another dude at some point? If yes, please re-evaluate parenthood. Actually re-evaluate anyway.

Dear Abby,
    I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.  It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

My Response: I think you have the definition of "liberated" wrong.

Dear Abby,
   I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

My Response: He's lying.

Dear Abby,
    Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

My Response: Walk to your computer. Open a web browser (could be a little "e" could be a "firefox" I don't know) once open, type in g-o-o-g-l-e . c-o-m. When that page opens up there will be a little box in the top center. Type in "J-U-D-O" and get a life.

Dear Abby,
   I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

My Response: Is that this question is fake so I refuse to be witty for it.

 Dear Abby,
    My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy.

My Reponse: I wonder who made him that way.

Dear Abby,
   I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

My Reponse: You didn't have open bar at your wedding???

Dear Abby,
   My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

My Response: That's one way to put it.

Dear Abby,
    You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.  Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now what do I do? 

My Response: Is he Dr. Phil??? Cause he's not a real Doctor...