Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Epic Weekend Part 2

I promised a model. I found one. Well I never actually asked him but his girlffriend said he'd be game... but then I decided that me posing would be hella funny. So here we go...

Saturday I woke up from my nap feeling like shiz. The post MADdash picnic was held in a park & the 3-4 hours spent there drinking Bud Light had given my allergies the boost they needed to settle in for the long haul. (Still having issues by the by - who says "by the by" anymore? I'm bringing it back.) Anyway I decided that it was a big night & I didn't want to miss everyone at the bar & we should go if even for a few brewskies.

Turns out brewskies make me forget my allergies.

And also the Christmas present that was waiting for me at the bar helped too.

I don't know if I've shared how much I love to people watch. Cause I. LOOOOOOOVE IT.

So when this gentleman was... hmmmm how do I explain it... when he appeared to me it was like getting a Jeep Wrangler Unlimited in that cool green color wrapped in dark chocolate with hazelnut accents and bacon (side note - if you haven't tried chocolate covered bacon you aren't living - or your a vegetarian / vegan it which case - HUZZAH!)

When I first noticed this douche - yeah we're going to retire "gentleman" in regards to this guy because he was anything but - when I first saw him he was literally dry humping a girl. He thought he was dancing, for reals. How do I know this? Because he never stopped, when she finally moved away from him he picked up her friend from behind & air dry humped her. It wouldn't have been to horrible except for 2 factors.

1. It is still inconclusive whether or not he actually knew these girls or just infiltrated their fortresses.
2. His face. It. It looked like he was "enjoying" himself far to much, if you're picking up what I'm throwing down. I kind of felt like a voyeur... and yet could not look away.

Ok so when these girls turned their backs on him he spun around (really - like twinkle toes!) to the table next to us and goes "Hey laaaaaadies!!!" They tentatively say "hi." He then asks if they want to dance, they say "no" (because they have also been watching his moves.) And here is where Santa dropped off his first of 3 ginormous gifts. Rico Suave made guns out of both his hands, crossed them and clicked his tongue like cocking those guns. Then just stood there for about a minute, kind of like this...

Why the sleep mask? Why not.

Ok so finally he gives up on these girls & goes back to dry humping the other group. Who, by the by, had a bunch of dudes with them & none of them told this tool to get lost. So that leads us to the possible conclusion that maybe he was friends with one of the guys or knew one person in the group or whatever. To quote Dane Cook, maybe he was "Fucking Brian."

So the girls at the table next to us, sensing the major threat of being dry humped to death, leave & this group takes over their table. Leaving the dance floor completely vacant with our boy dancing up a storm by himself. Eventually 2 pretty girls walk by. Unfortunately I couldn't hear the things that he yelled after them but I did see how he posed, in the middle of the empty dance floor, for about 3 minutes after they passed by. It looks a little something like this...

I don't even know. I don't know. There are no words. But my hand to God he stood there like that for at least 3 minutes. It was amazing.

But the best part was yet to come & there was no way to stage this without extremely awkward family moments, so I hope I can describe it properly.

One of the other guys in the group of getting humped a lot girls started feeding off of the douche & his behavior took a turn for the worst. At one point I thought we were seconds away from exposed wangers... but alas it did not happen. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus.

So this new guys starts trying the dry hump move... not working cause he's a even more awkward than douche #1 & it is somehow even more creeptastic. But then he shows his Marky Mark by leaning back, holding himself up with his left arm and dry humping the sealing. Ahhhhh raising the stakes of the game my friend, this is an all new ball game.

Not to be out douched my dear dear Christmas present starts moving his hand above this kids "area" as though jerking him off.

Thank you Santa Clause!!! I need not one more thing from you all the days of my life.

My biggest regret from this night is that I don't have any photos or videos of my present. I guess that just means I'll have to start frequenting Morristown more, because I need to find this elusive beast & capture his image to warn others. Because you see, he was a very pretty boy & therefore may come off as harmless... until he starts humping you.

Needless to say the entertainment of watching him distracted me & before I knew it I was in the bag. Not even half in the bag - I had hopped right in there. And apparently now when I drink Sam Summer Ale I like to get into fights... particuarly with people wearing lays.

Anyway - thanks to those who stopped me from getting a black eye.

Sunday I was a little out of it... probably had to do with the lack of electrolytes in my system. Oy. Vey.

1 comment:

  1. Oh & PS. I need a question for tomorrow!!! I missed last week because I forgot to ask for a question. Boooooo... bad blogger. bad. bad.