Friday, May 6, 2011

Signs of the Tell Tale Douche

The wink. Obviously invented when, about 500 years ago, there was a King of somewhere who had a spazzum & instead of admitting the problem, played it off as his special way to get the ladies. And, being that he was a King, the ladies played along.

It doesn't work. It's creepy. You just quickly closed your one eye while sneering at me. Plus your neck in the same size as your head, lay off the 'roids.

Ok so last night my brother & I decided that we would go down to the Rattlesnake for a drink since it was, after all, Cinco de Mayo. (A holiday that we non-latino folks have grasped onto, if only for the drinking. I apologize.)

Anyway we ran into a bunch of my brother's old friends, we're hanging with them & I notice this not entirely unfortunate looking guy (even though his neck really was the same width as his head) working his way over to our little circle of conversation. When he was standing next to me I make the polite turn & smile. That's when it happened... he winked at me. Winked.

Excuse me? I'm sorry. What?

If that wasn't bad enough within 30 seconds of introducing himself he is talking about his high paying job & how he had the day off so he went golfing. "I was ready to head out this morning and my boss said 'why don't we lay low today?' That's all I needed to hear so I headed to the course to knock a few balls around."

Great story. Please tell it again. I think he followed that up with what kind of car he drives. It must not have been to impressive because I don't remember it, or his name for that matter.

When my brother returned from getting a drink & Captain D-bag had disappeared I asked "did you see...?" And my brother responded "Uhhhh yeah. I had to keep myself from laughing."

Why has it not gotten around to more men to keep the *wink* locked up?

It's not ok. Between you & my 75 year old uncle through marriage that grabs my butt during hugs, the uncle is less creeptastic.

I feel like I need to do the creepy shake mixed with a not happy raspberry. You know what I'm talking about... trying to get the cooties away. Blech!!!

So in honor of this attempt at my love, here are 10 Signs of the Tell Tale Douche.

1. The wink.

2. The mentioning of their paycheck within the first 5 minutes of the conversation. (Unless the conversation was based on occupation from the get go, then well give him a by.)

3. Wife beaters, Guiny T's, TANK TOPs, whatever you call them. If a guys is wearing one of these he is way to vain, especially if accompanied by any type of jewelry. Unless they're on the beach or doing yard work, run away.

4. If it looks like he spent more time on his hair than you, please rethink this conversation.

5. You go to the bathroom & come back to find him talking to another girl. Apparently you're bladder is less important than his penis.

6. Anyone who starts a conversation with "'Sup?" It's not even a real word. I use it when I'm pretending I'm a douche.

7. If it's Cinco de Mayo, ie: May 5th & they already have a tan (orange or otherwise) they're probably a captain or co-captain of team douche.

8. Shoes. If their sneakers look like they picked them up at footlocker about 10 minutes before coming out tonight, it means that if you accidentally brush one of them with your high heel (or in my case, Birkenstocks) they are going to flip the f**k out. This is from personal experience. Men are weird about their shoes in general, which is multiplied when douchiness is involved.

9. He mentions his "bro's" within the first 1 - 3 minutes and how they're ready to "rage" tonight. If his main purpose in the evening is to get wasted with his boys, good for him. I can't deny doing this very thing on numerous occasions with "the girls". But bragging about it... come on.

10. He starts talking to you but once your friend with 10 less pounds, bigger boobs, less clothing, etc, walks up he suddenly has a "change of heart", he is the king of Douche Bag Land & his ancestors probably invented... the wink.

1 comment:

  1. I am in awe and definite LOVE of this post. Number 10 is the best. Here's an idea- Lets give the Native American's better land (Say- Texas they might be better at running it) and let the Douche's live on the property that our forefathers didn't want and so graciously "gave away" as reservations. Please note sarcasm. That is all. <3 <3